The Simpsons s15e12 Episode Script

Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore

d-ohh! ( Screams ) Children, I'm sorry to say, one of your lunches exploded.
Who has the "little bunny foo foo" lunch box? Um that would be me.
( Kids laughing ) it's not my fault.
I can't afford a better lunch box 'cause I'm poor.
( Louder laughter ) shut up! My mom got too fat to work at hooters! ( Louder laughter ) they won't even let her park cars.
( Louder laughter ) please, children, don't be cruel.
Nelson might be poor, but I'm sure he has the seven dollars for today's field trip.
Um, well, actually ( tires screeching ) ( kids laughing ) someday now I know the rest of us e excited about visiting the museum of television today.
Hey, don't tell us how to feel! Bart simpson, be quiet.
Hey, that wasn't me.
That was milhouse? Milhouse? What happened to my little class coward? What do you care, mrs.
Krabappel or should I say, mrs.
Crab apple? ( Laughing ) crab apple? I never thought of that! It totally works! How could I have been so blind? Rollin', rollin', rollin' toxic barrel rollin' they're so hot and glowin' we'll die! Smithers, the board of directors is coming here today.
I don't want them to see snap, crackle and pop down there.
Sir, there's a big cardboard box out back that could keep them amused.
They could make a fort.
No, no, just give them each a nickel and send them to moe'S.
Let them while away the afternoon spilling their beer on gullets and trousers whilst drooling over french postcards.
( Shuddering ) hello, I'm isabel sanford, the beloved weezy from the jeffersons.
At this "museum," you won't see a michelangelo, but you might see michael landon and beverly d'angelo.
This blows.
Let's sneak off.
Wander away from the group? Man, you've been huffing from the bart bag.
Homer: To old man burns, who's paying us to drink because we're embarrassing! We suck! We suck.
Ohh a lot of that went in my lungs.
Attention american bar devils: It's our anniversary! Free drinks for everyone! That's great.
I'm honored to drink to apu and, uh apulina.
Ahh you know, marge and i have an anniversary coming up.
I have given manjula many gifts, including a bouquet of flowers, diamond earrings, and we're going to see paris hilton.
In paris texas.
On our way to paris, france.
What did you plan to get your wife, homer? Well these charity address labels that came in the mail.
Milhouse, why are you acting so crazy? Did your imaginary friend try to kill you again? No, walter's been cool.
( Sighing ): Bart, I've gotta say something, and it's not easy.
Well, if it's not easy, don't do it.
That's how I got where I am.
Then let's just say I don't care what people think of me anymore.
You mean up until now you did care? Then why did you wear that tutu to school last week? What about all the times i didn't wear a tutu? Nobody ever brings those up.
Now leave me alone.
It's the paul lynde helen reddy hudson brothers easter special! With guest stars willie tyler and lester and nadia comaneci! Paul lynde: I'd like to hippity hop on your balance beam.
I don't think you understand the mechanics of heterosexual sex.
Well, circle gets the square! Tv sure has come a long way, huh, milhouse? ( Laughter ) check it out-- I'm riding some guy named ironside! Ow, my banana! Danger, danger! Door ajar.
The indignity! The agents got all my money.
( Whinnying ) I'm bored.
Let's go switch the heads on the cosby kids.
Homer ( slurring ): I don't wanna go home! I'm not done talking to me! Just get out this door, rummy, and you're the city's problem.
If you make it through the night, you're welcome back.
Ah, home, sweet home.
Now to watch some tv.
Oh, you poor soul.
You think that rat is a remote.
Huh five bucks? I don't need your sharity! ( Squeaking ) I'll dance for my money! ( Humming "hoochie-coochie" ) oh, you poor man.
You think you can dance.
I didn't say stop! ( Humming "hoochie-coochie" ) bart there's something I've gotta tell you.
I'm moving.
What? My mom got a job in capital city.
Capital city? You can't move that far.
You're my best friend.
What's your mom making? I'll match it! It's too late, bart.
My mom's already transferred her 401k.
Nooo! Luann, what are you doing? Look, kirk, I need a fresh start.
Well, couldn't you get a fresh start by remarrying your old husband? Kirk, we are going.
Fine, but you can't take milhouse.
I have visitation rights.
Yes, and you're also supposed to pay child support.
Hey, I thought you said my money was no good.
I said you're no good.
Get in the car, milhouse.
This isn't over.
I'll fight you with every lunch half-hour I get.
Ooh, speaking of which it's gonna be tough to be peppy today.
Tell me about it.
( humming ) why are your clothes so dirty? And why do you smell like liquor? Have you been clubbing? ( Gasps ) oh, homie, they're beautiful.
That chevron station has the most romantic bouquets! I feel a swoon coming on here it is! I am so wasted.
Oh, my god, oh, my god! We're having a simultaneous pass out! Well, at least they're not fighting.
And scratch show! Oh, mmm-mm.
Right this way! What's on the menu? ( Screaming ) ( screams ) ( screams louder ) ( screams very loud ) ( relieved sigh ) ( laughing heartily ) oh, bart, I'm sure it's hard to lose your best friend.
You mean milhouse? Funny little guy.
Afraid of the dark.
And the light.
Now I got new friends.
Guys who get me.
( Doorbell rings ) there's one right now.
Who is it? Is it ralph? It is not ralph.
Hi, bart! My nose makes its own bubble gum! Just get in here.
I found you, bart! Ralph, we're playing checkers.
I don't like you, boy-mommy.
Uh hmm.
Oh, loveless loners are so lucky.
There's no way I can afford to give marge a nice anniversary present.
Oh, you poor man.
You smell worse than you did last time.
Hmm! Hey, buddy, that's nice sign work.
Your penmanship is clear yet sad.
Hey, I know you.
We met in a police lineup.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know, number two and number four are an item now.
You don't have to tell me.
I was number three.
Listen, you have any pointers for a newbie? Well, there are six schools of begging: Bad musician, messed-up vet, cripple, fake cripple, religious zealot, and crazy guy.
I think you would do well with "crazy guy.
" Coke and pepsi are the same thing! Wake up, people! ( Yelling incoherently ) wow.
Now, that is good crazy.
Ah! Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! Oh, yes! I never thought I'd have to take a plane to see milhouse.
Well, I'm sure he'll be happy you came.
Man: Now departing, no-frills airlines flight 89.
( Passengers screaming ) woman: Milhouse! Bart's here! What up, b? Milhouse? Is that you? Yeah.
I gave my look some new flava.
Suck it in! Uh maybe later.
( Doorbell rings ) what up, m-life? Milhouse, this isn't you.
This is my only chance to be cool.
Now, please let me give you a wedgie in front of these guys.
No way! Please? I'll be gentle.
Oh, fine.
Wedgie! ( All laughing ) milhouse, you went cap city on him! Springfield baby, in a diaper, poked his eye with a windshield wiper! Springfield baby! Springfield baby! I'll always love you, bart.
Springfield baby! Springfield baby! ( Choking ) ( both laughing ) ( sniffling ) bart, honey, it's a nice day.
Why don't you play outside? Outside? That's where me and milhouse played.
You know, I think your sister could use a little help washing the car.
You'll be like an owl saying milhouse who? Milhouse who? Milhouse whooo? Hey, moldilocks, mom says I'm supposed to help you.
Fine.
You can confirm the accuracy of the hose.
( Screams ) ha-ha-ha! You wet your pants.
Shut up! It's a serious problem.
Lis, you are so dead.
( Screams ) I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'll kill your whole family! Bart, you're in my family.
Shut up! ( Both laughing ) homie, I'd like to know what you've been doing after work.
Marge, I'm not gonna lie to you.
( Annoyed murmur ) I also found this in your drawer.
( Chuckles ) all the answers you need are in here.
Happy anniversary.
( Gasps ) Are these diamondique? nope.
Diamondelle? Nope.
Cubic diamondium? Nope.
Dioxy-ribo-diamondoid? Close, but no cigar.
Just plain diamonds.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! We finally have something to put in the wall safe.
Hostess twinkies? I heard, if you age them for ten years, they turn to liquor.
Kids! Go ride bikes for a while, huh? ( Slightly drunk ): Yeah, you heard our mother.
We can't jump this ditch.
Sure, we can.
But let me go first.
Everyone knows you're the future of family.
That's not true, bart.
Mom and dad value us equally, and aw, you're right.
Okay.
Go ahead.
Geronimo! ( Whimpering ) just forget everything you know about gravity.
But I know so much about it.
Just do it.
Geronimo! ( Laughing ) look.
We can go inside.
Ooh! We're like howard carter discovering the temple of tutankhamen.
Or like when I discovered the school's xerox code.
One, four, seven.
Just saying it makes my butt feel warm again.
Arrowheads! Pictographs! Bart, this is a native american burial mound.
Oh, look! He's pickin' his nose.
( Giggles ) hey, we shouldn't tell anyone we were here.
This place should be our special secret.
Okay.
Shake.
Psyche! There's spiders in your hair.
That's what you call commitment to a bit.
Mr.
Bojangles mr.
Bojangles we're all bojangles who killed bojangles? Maybe it was you! Thank you.
Thank you.
Remember, my dog up and died.
Thank you.
You got your wife the earrings, man.
Why are you still doing this? I want to get a second house.
Closer to work.
He's taking all our business! We're going to have to do something.
We never do anything, that's why we're bums.
Hey, you're a woman.
And you're a three-headed devil dog! Devil dog! Want to make out? No one wants to be alone.
Lisa: "The mound builders "worshipped turtles, as well as badgers, snakes, and other animals.
" Thank god we've come to our senses and worship a carpenter who lived ( Phone ringing ) hi, janey branford marsalis' car broke down outside your house? And he's just jamming till wynton shows up? ( Gasps ) um some other time maybe.
Today I'm just hanging out at home.
( Doorbell ringing ) hey, bart, I "borrowed" my uncle's pellet gun.
Want to shoot apu? Oh that does sound fun.
But not today.
I think I'm just going to hang out at home.
Lisa: Oh, my god! My brother's my best friend! Bart: Oh, my god! My sister's my best friend! Marge: Diamonds! I still can't believe he gave me diamonds! Homer: Mirror mirror on the wall: Who? You don't know him.
He lives in russia.
I can't believe they're hanging out.
Ha! Maybe she'll be a good influence on him.
Or maybe he'll corrupt her.
It won't last.
Brothers and sisters are natural enemies.
Like englishmen and scots.
Or welshmen and scots.
Or japanese and scots.
Or scots and other scots.
Damn scots! They ruined scotland! You scots sure are a contentious people.
Ye just made an enemy for life! Listen, mr.
Hobo.
You may not have laundry to wash, but I do.
Now what do you want to show me? There's your husband, A.
K.
A.
Mooch-a-lini, drooly mcgee, corporal flashback, etcetera, etcetera.
Homer! ( Shrieks ) you're panhandling! I should have known from that panhandling sign.
Plus that ticket you got for panhandling.
But marge, it was all for you.
To buy you all the nice things you deserve.
The flowers, the earrings, the bob seger boxed set, which really only needed to be one disk, but the box was nice homer, I don't need fancy things.
And even if I did, this is the wrong way to get them.
And to remind you of what you've done, I'm going to keep these earrings and wear them at social occasions.
I don't understand.
Well, then maybe you need to buy me a brooch.
Bart, I cracked the code of the pictograph.
It says there's a curse on the mound.
Of course, I don't believe in ( screams ) hi, lisa! I brought you the cap city version of monopoly.
Baltic avenue is now wayne street.
It's awesome.
Milhouse? I thought your mom took you away forever.
I got a court order bringing him back.
The judge said I was the most pathetic person he'd ever seen in court.
Pity custody-- boo-yeah! Repo man.
I'm here to take your pants.
Not in front of my son.
Please.
You're somebody's father?! Yes, okay.
Ooh, boy.
Well, I'm glad to be back.
Those cap city kids don't think I'm cool anymore.
We were having a sleepover, and a robber came and wet my bed.
Then he folded the bed back into the couch and disappeared into the night.
I knew you'd blow it.
Now let me show you that mound.
You told him our secret? Hey, he's my best friend.
Oh.
I see how it is.
Great.
Then we're all cool.
( Sniffling ) bart: Since he's been back, milhouse has had three bloody noses and stepped in dog doo.
It's always a party with that guy.
Well, it's nice you have your best friend back.
You should hang with us sometime, lis.
Mm-hmm.
I think I'll go to bed now.
What's wrong? Nothing.
Hoo boy, are you in trouble.
What're you talking about? When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong.
And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong.
And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off.
Hey, lis, you want to play cap city monopoly? Look, just because milhouse is gone doesn't mean you have to pretend to be my friend.
Oh, come on, I'll roll the dice for you.
.
.
Three, four, five, chance.
Pick up a card.
( Mutters discontentedly ) Bart will make your bed for a week what? Really? Yep.
Pick up another one.
But it's not my turn.
I'm trying to do something nice, you dink.
Pick up a card.
"Bart will defend you when other kids call you a nerd.
" No one calls me a nerd.
Trust me, that is a valuable card.
Pick up another.
"Bart will give back the malibu stacy head you thought was lost.
" Oh, bart, that's really sweet.
Just because I have milhouse back, doesn't mean I haven't learned a few things about being a brother.
I think I'm going to use this card right now.
Aw, do I have to? -Hmm.
( Sighs ) all right.
Good for one hug This is what sitcoms call "a schmaltzy ending"-- a sentimental capper to leave the audience feeling good.
Usually followed by a little coda to cut the treacle.
Granny, I'm gonna shoot me some vietcong.
Yeah, well I ain't cookin' 'em.
( Loud laugh track ) and george jefferson, wherever you are, we love you and want you to come home.
Well, we're movin' on up movin' on up to the east side movin' on up