The Simpsons s15e13 Episode Script

Smart & Smarter

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (GIGGLING) Wait till he puts his unsuspecting butt on that toilet seat! (GIGGLING) (TOILET FLUSHING) Huh? Where's the Ee-yow? All yours, Homer.
You didn't sit on the toilet.
I didn't have to.
I'm a dude.
(GRUNTS) Butt on bowl, little man! (BOTH STRUGGLING) Hey, my pants aren't down! It doesn't matter! Ee-yow! (LAUGHING) Why you little (CHOKING) Joke's on me, is it? Ah! (WHIRRING) (GAGGING) (HOMER GROANING) (CHOKING) MARGE: What's all that racket? It's old lady Simpson! Run! What's going on? Uh, I'll tell you what's going on.
I'm taking you all out for pancakes.
ALL: Yay! Yeah! BART: This place looks familiar.
It used to be The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
They just painted the tower brown.
Either way, everyone who works in the kitchen speaks Spanish.
(INDISTINCT TALKING) Hey, Apu.
What's with the line? It's application day at Miss Wickerbottom's Pre-Nursery School.
Pre-nursery school? The fast track begins at birth.
That's it! Claw and bite for position! We have only enough tuition money for two.
For the rest of you, better luck next life.
That's a lot of pressure to put on a baby.
All they should be worried about is the Raspberry Monster! (MARGE BLOWING RASPBERRIES) (MAGGIE GIGGLING) You know, Marge makes a good point.
Competitive schools aren't for every baby.
(LAUGHING) Are you saying my daughter can't cut it just because I owe you $14,000? I'll show you! Come on, Maggie.
You're getting into that school.
I will hire a collection agency.
Which one? Tri-City, Omni-Pay, lnsta-Threat? I've beaten 'em all! The pig says "oink.
" The chicken HENRY: Look, stop right there.
I could go to any Chuck E.
Cheese in America and hear what animals say.
Do you know what I say? I say, "Next.
" You're a poopie! You nurse with that mouth? And what's your name? Maggie.
I'm sorry, but why are you answering for her? Maggie doesn't talk yet.
Not a word? Oh, no, no.
She says lots of words.
Like when she wants something, she says (GRUNTING) Maggie, we're not a mime school, so we can't take a non-talker.
But here's some good news.
The Gap will always need sweater folders.
I'm sorry we wasted your time, your lordship.
(MARGE GRUMBLING) My baby has no future.
Oh, Maggie will do just fine.
She'll have plenty of money, because she'll marry a grocer Grocers don't make that much.
who steals from the till.
Would ya let me finish? Jeez! Maggie, you're as smart as any one of those kids.
Come on.
Did we ever turn off that shower nozzle? (ALL GRUNTING) I'm taking you all out for tacos! BOTH: Yay! Okay, for Malibu Stacy's beach party, we've got pita, hummus, tempeh, tofu.
What other fun foods do we need? Ice? Did you do that? (GIGGLING) Okay.
What's a good side dish? Rice.
Why not caviar? Oh, my God! You're not just smart, you're brilliant! Mom! Well, look who's back.
Pippi Non-talking.
Just because Maggie can't talk, doesn't mean she's dumb.
Einstein didn't speak till he was three.
And even then, he could only speak German.
Fine.
I'll give her an lQ test if only to extinguish all hope.
All right, my quiet American, how many eyes do you have? Go on, Maggie.
You can do it.
Well, congratulations.
You're now as intelligent as a pig.
Let's see if you can move up to dolphin.
How many people in your family? (GASPS) Woo-hoo! I got that one right, too.
(LAUGHING ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Okay, last question.
Arrange these four arrows to make five arrows.
I remind you, you only have 15 Oh.
ALL: Ooh! Yeah! Philippa, I think you should come in here.
Your baby is brilliant.
Why, she could already teach at Florida State.
Oh, my God! Yay! Go, Maggie! Go, Seminoles! This better be important, Henry.
I was choking on something.
Meet Maggie Simpson, lQ 167.
One sixty-seven! That's amazing for a Christian.
But my lQ is only 159.
Maggie's more intelligent than me? That's right, because 167 is a bigger number than 159.
Do you see how that works? Yes, thank you.
So our kids keep getting smarter.
If we have another one, it could build a time machine, which we could use to go back in time and not have any kids! All our children are smart.
Some are just smarter than the others.
Welcome to the others.
(SCREAMS) MARGE: Maggie, look at all the stuff your new school sent over.
Look at these courses you'll be taking.
Advanced Peekaboo.
(MAGGIE GIGGLING) Got Your Nose and Other Lies.
(READING) (LAUGHING) I'm slapping this sucker right over "Support Our Troops.
" Look, Lisa.
There's something in here for you! Really? (GROANS) And Maggie gets a shirt, too.
(SCOFFS) Sweetie, you seem so blue.
Did the last of something die? No, Mom.
It's just that I used to be the smart one.
Now, I don't know who I am.
Well, I know who you are.
And here's something to help you never forget.
I already have one of those.
Well then, find a new identity.
Hmm.
Your mother's right, honey.
Katie Couric didn't just become the world's most famous dwarf.
She escaped from the circus and went for it! All right.
If I'm second-rate as the smart kid, I'll find a new raison d'etre.
That still sounds like the smart kid.
Right, right.
Time to show them the new me.
No one's happier and more well-adjusted than a stand-up comedian.
How about these entrees? Stuffed cabbage? Can you believe they found a way to make cabbage worse? (LAUGHING) All right.
So what else is going on? Let's see.
Hey, why do they call them "field trips"? We never go to a field.
Oh, untrue.
Last Thursday, we visited a battlefield.
Uh, well, I I'm bem-barrassed for you.
The following "ha-ha" is not from amusement but an expression of contempt.
Ha-ha! (GROANING) Okay, okay, don't get discouraged.
Every me they reject gets me closer to the me they'll like.
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) What are you now, Lisa? An Oakland Raiders fan? It's called goth, eternally clueless one.
My new name is Ravencrow Never Smiles.
Cool.
We can be goth together.
We'll go to the cemetery and summon the dark lord by kissing and junk.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
But first, you must apprentice by kissing the goddess lronica, uh, who lives in this rock.
Do it for an hour, hour and a half.
Yes, my mistress.
(KISSING) Who's that girl running around with you Tell me who's that girl Oh, none of these feel right.
Wait, wait.
Did I try soccer player? Tried and failed.
(GROANING) I'm a mess.
I can't believe I'm jealous of a baby.
Hey, I'm jealous of her, too.
When you're a baby, you spend all day just rolling around on the floor.
Boy, I miss that.
Ow! Fine.
Roll around on the floor, baby.
(GRUMBLING) Floor baby! Floor baby! You're making fun of him for something you made him do! Yeah? Well, you're gay.
People who accuse others of being gay are often covering up their own latent homosexuality.
Um, uh (GRUNTS) Bullies rule! The school sent this dealie over for Maggie.
His name is Phonic Frog.
PHONIC FROG: Aw.
Buh.
Kkk.
Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er.
(LAUGHING) That's me.
Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er.
This is Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er's doctor.
He's too sick to work today.
(CHUCKLING) I'll be right back.
(WHINING) Fine.
I'll help you with your stupid flashcards.
(CHUCKLING) Aren't you smart? Let's try another one.
A little harder this time.
Hmm? (SNORING) (HESITANTLY) No, that's wrong.
That's right! This spells "dog.
" MARGE: Lisa! (SCREAMS) You are purposely teaching her the wrong word! Lisa, I'm surprised.
Your sister just wants to learn and be like you! Well, maybe she needs a better role model.
PHONIC FROG: I agree with your mother.
You are a disappointment to Huh-Oh-Muh-Eh-Er.
(SOBBING) (MUTTERING) I used to be the smart one.
(BELL RINGING) PHONIC FROG: Where is my dinner? Maggie, you're such a quick learner.
Why don't you learn how to fly? But I love you.
(LAUGHING EVILLY) (GASPING) (SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z (SNORING) Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z Goodbye, Maggie.
I'm smart enough to know you're better off without me.
(SIGHING) Two cents.
I'm sure a lot of great people have started with less.
Nope.
Never under a dollar.
(SIGHS) MARGE: Lisa's gone! You have to find her! Why can't you just accept the fact that Lisa is old enough to take care of herself? Back off and let her live her life.
But she's only eight.
Oh, I thought you said 80.
Well, we'll get right on it.
Now, this may not be the best time, but I'm supposed to give you this survey rating the effectiveness of the Springfield Police Department.
"Somewhat satisfied.
" I see.
Well, maybe I'll just somewhat find your daughter, huh? Fine.
"Extremely satisfied.
" Looking good, boys.
Now, let's go get some smoothies.
Oh, I'm tired.
I'm hungry.
Red plastic sandals are not great running away shoes.
(GASPING) Air conditioning, water fountains, dioramas! And I'll never run into my family here! It's the perfect place to start a new life! (ATTENDANT MUTTERING) (GIGGLING) No food allowed.
You can't hide it in your clothes.
Would you please step out of the line, sir? Go ahead and search.
You will never find it all.
I'm baking muffins as I speak.
MAN: Some trees are big.
Some trees are small.
But all trees have bark.
Except for poplar, ash and maple.
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) (GIGGLING) (LISA PLAYING SAXOPHONE) Lousy Maggie.
Thinks she's so great.
Thinks she knows Oh.
I miss them all so much.
(SOBBING) I hope this typeface catches people's eye.
It sure didn't move our old fondue set.
Why do you always take the children and not the fondue sets? Why, Santa? Why? Good news, Simpsons.
We found your daughter's belongings.
Where'd you find these? Giant tongue.
Oh! I knew it! We also discovered something very unusual at that museum.
Oh, my God! What? Well, if you drop a feather and a bowling ball in a vacuum, they'll fall at the same rate.
(CHUCKLES) You think you've seen it all in this job, and then something like that comes along.
Come on.
Come on.
CLANCY: That's where we found your daughter's things.
LISA: Huh? You look around there while Eddie, Lou and I go ask a few questions.
Like how does a helicopter fly? And what causes thunder? I say it's angels bowling.
Lisa? HOMER: Lisa? MARGE: Lisa? HOMER: Lisa? BOTH: Lisa? (CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHING) (SCREAMING) Oh, no! The giant is waking up! (ALL SCREAMING) Oh, God.
We're in a belly.
Everyone, take off your shoes.
(YELLING) How do we get out? Your baby has to press the red "evacuate" button.
Yo, Chief, we got a problem here.
I see a vase, but Eddie sees two people in profile.
Now, this may shock you, but you're both right.
MARGE: Maggie! HOMER: Come on, Maggie! Come on! BART: The red button! ALL: Hit the red button! Hit the red button! HOMER: Hit the red button! (ALL EXCLAIMING) HOMER: Ew! Maggie, press the red button! I know, we'll use reverse psychology.
Maggie, don't press the red button.
Damn it! (ALL SHOUTING) Marge, I've always loved you.
Bart, you were a worthy foe.
(CRYING) (PANTING) Mom! Dad! I'm so sorry I got you into this! Lisa, you're all right! Oh, good.
She's here in time to see us die.
Maggie, I'm sorry I was jealous of your special gift.
From now on, I'm gonna nurture and cherish Just tell her which friggin' button to push! Maggie, push the red button.
You can do it! Red! (COOS) (ALL EXCLAIMING) Wooo! Now, Marge, you can't say I never take you anywhere.
(GRUMBLING) (GROANING) (ALL GRUNTING) Well, I think we all learned a lesson today.
Don't try to be something you're not, namely food.
Chief, now I can't see either one.
Well, we're all pretty tired.
Let's try a different one.
Which figure is bigger? The answer will knock your socks off! I'm sorry I ran off.
Being second to Maggie's not so bad.
But why didn't Maggie press the right button until I told her to? PHILIPPA: I believe I can answer that.
How'd you get in here? Your butler let us in.
Play along.
I'll explain later.
I'm afraid your daughter's no longer welcome at our school.
She's as common as an angry woman in an lbsen play.
(LAUGHS) Zing! Let's just watch the tape, monkey man.
Whenever Maggie is asked a question, she looks over at Lisa.
How many eyes do you have? Go on, Maggie.
You can do it.
(TAPE REWINDING) PHILIPPA: Now, rotate and magnify.
(GASPING) I don't remember doing that! I would never cheat! Perhaps.
But subconsciously, you wanted her to succeed.
Watch.
PHILIPPA: Here, you're telling her the answer is no.
Here, the solution is a square.
Here, you're telling her the answer is California Condor.
So Maggie's not a genius? She could be at sweeping up hair.
(CHUCKLES) That's my baby, jerk! Ow! You call that a punch? I felt it, but it was like, "So what?" Oh! Again with the nose.
I have a chin, you know? (GRUNTS) Don't worry, sir.
The maid and I will take him out to the curb.
Come on.
Come on.
You promised me no one would get hurt! I don't care what they say, Maggie.
To me, you're brilliant.
(PLAYING SAXOPHONE) Not for babies.
HENRY: Do we really need three of these people? Too ethnic, change it.
More like "Cart-wrong.
" Worst voicing ever.
Finally, a real celebrity.
Oh, good.
More producers.
Just what they need.
Him, I like.
Yes, but what's he done lately? Very original.
Simon Cowell as Simon Cowell.
Well done.
(SIGHS) I really don't care anymore.
All useless.
The credits really have to go this long? Oh, shush yourself.
English - US - PSDH