The Simpsons s15e15 Episode Script

Co-Dependent's Day

The Simpsons S15E15 Official captions captured by With the ATI TV Wonder pro TV Magazine program Oh god, I love to smoke.
we're live at the opening of the latest chapter of the epic space saga, cosmic wars! And the nerds have emerged from their basements, wearing strange costumes to shield their pasty skin from the moonlight.
Simpsons, your lack of costumes ill-befits line positions two, three and four.
Where's your costume? Your ignorance is amusing, and sad.
I am dressed in the actual clothing worn by cosmic wars creator randall curtis.
I bought them at auction, then added pregnancy panels to fit my unique body type.
One ticket for the space show.
I want to see if any of them aliens match up to the one I got in my root cellar.
One ticket for cosmic wars.
Uh, sir, this is the line for the momentum of things, starring ellen burstyn and jim broadbent.
Aw, man! I waited three weeks at the wrong ticket window! Man, even i think movie popcorn has gotten too big.
Ow! Get your own, mooch! ( Whooping and cheering ) yes! Finally! ( Dramatic fanfare playing ) amendments?! Regulatory agencies?! What the fark-bot? Don't worry, they're just getting the plot out of the way so it won't slow down the ( imitates laser fire ) ( imitates light saber ) ( imitates wookie moaning ) before the galactic senate votes, we shall call roll.
Star system abbotan? Here! Star system acroilius? ( Alien answering in alien language ) star system trebulon prime? Whoa, mama! Finally, some action! ( Whirring ) mr.
Chairman, I propose a procedural amendment to space bill number 371.
You'll wait your turn! Very well.
Trebulon minor? Oh, I'm so bored! Maybe I'll clean out my wallet.
Hey, my car insurance expired.
Quite a while ago.
( Laughing ) son, if you don't dig more coal, they'll put you on the dynamite gang.
No dy-mite! ( Sobbing ) I didn't realize british coal miners had it so bad.
There's blood on your hands, mrs.
Thatcher! ( Loud snoring ) jim-jam, what happened to the wheel covers on my landing gear? Me-sa sell them to buy me-sa some space spliff.
That character is just a tired stereotype.
Yes, and it's-a makin' a-me so mad, I'm-a gonna throw the meatballs at-a screen.
But first I gotta pose for a pizza box.
The decision is final.
Tabled, this motion is.
Or is it? That sucked! I can't believe the "gathering shadow" was senate redistricting! Worst cosmic wars ever.
I will only see it three more times.
Today.
Homer: That's it.
>From now on, I'm not looking forward to anything.
Oh, my god! Tomorrow, there's a two-for-one sale on piano benches! I can't wait! Ooh, ooh, ooh! I feel so ripped off by that crappy movie, I'm gonna chip a big hole in the floor.
( Grunting ) kids, why don't you write a complaint letter? That's how I got the channel six weather girl to start wearing a bra.
That was you!? Mm-hmm.
A letter, huh? Okay lis, get this down: Dear randall curtis, your movie stunk smelly butt.
I am fine.
Sincerely I'll write the letter.
Marge, you destroyed my interest in weather! Lisa: "Dear cosmic wars fan, "I'm glad you loved my film.
"Here's a photo of your favorite new character, jim-jam bonks.
May the power be on your side, randall curtis"?! He ignored our criticisms! We're going to have to track randall curtis down and make him listen to us.
And I know just where to find him: "742 evergreen terrace.
" Dad, that's our address.
( Whimpering ): He's in the house? No, he lives at the "cosmic wars ranch" in northern california.
Both: Can we go? Can we go? Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Well, northern california is wine country.
We could take a tour.
And it's a perfect time.
I just got fired again.
Enjoy your tour, and take it easy on mr.
Curtis.
Your father and i will be across the street at the lush valley winery.
Marge, are you sure we should go drinking together? I mean, who am I gonna complain about while I'm drinking? We should do more together.
You're my best friend, homie.
Well, yeah, legally.
But if we're really best friends, how come we never play hoops? The doctor said if you tried running again, your ankles would shatter.
Mmm all right.
We'll go on the winery tour.
But you have to catch me first! ( Bone cracks ) oh! Oh, my ankle snapped! This is the creature works-- where, if you dream it, we can make it.
Unless it has too many fingers, which are tough.
Man: Where's the aliens? Who knows what fantastic creature these two men are creating? It's a hip-hop loaf of garlic bread for an olive garden commercial.
Yo, yo, yo! Entrees start at $6.
95.
Offer not good on sunday, fool.
C'mon, bart, here's our chance.
But the bread's still dancing! Man: The mediterranean climate is reproduced by cool pacific winds, mixed with exhaust fumes from the highway.
Ah, summer in tuscany.
( Smacks lips ) mmm, it goes great with the jolly rancher I'm sucking on! Pleasant aroma, rich full body, well-aged and the wine's not bad either.
( Both guffawing ) oh, stop ieinfeld.
( Guffawing ) we always get the hicks on saturdays.
Lord kraylac, if you want to take that deduction, you'll have to bring your receipts.
( Dramatically ): Then bring them I shall.
This is awesome.
Hey, what are you doing here? We come from the real world.
And we're here to tell you that your movies have lost their way.
No, they haven't! My characters are getting better all the time, now that we've perfected digital eyelash rendering.
Better technology doesn't mean better storytelling.
Well, now i know you're crazy.
Wait, before you have us killed, hear us out.
I will wait ten of your earth seconds.
Your early movies are timeless classics.
Please, mr.
Curtis, go back to what made your first films so great.
You know what? You're right.
I'm going back to my roots: Plots and characters lifted from westerns and samurai films.
To the video store! Kids, please accept these boxes of jim-jam cereal.
It's just alpha-bits with extra j'S.
( Door opens ) hyah! Well, we've learned if you don't like something, just go to the office and complain.
What's our next stop? "Fox broadcasting, building 203.
" I drank this much! ( Bottles rattling ) mom's not gonna like this.
Don't tell mama what mama don't like.
Come here, you big lug! ( Giddy laughter ) wow mom and dad sure are having fun.
Hey, as long as they're not hurting anybody.
Uh-oh.
Whoa! Aah! Please stop! Aah! I'll give you money! Aah! Okay, I'm going to tell! Ow! Aah! Homie, to store the extra wine we bought, I made a little wine cellar.
Ooh, can I have my special cup? Well, I've been using it for laundry soap, but, okay.
Homie, you are so cute.
( Giggling ) oh, honey, I love to hear you laugh.
( Imitating marge's giggle ) I don't talk like that.
( Imitating marge ): Yes, you do.
Well, you talk like ( imitating homer ): Oh, marge, sorry I set the bed on fire.
D-ohh! ( Both laughing ) hey, you do a great me, marge.
You got to show the guys at moe'S.
Moe's tavern? That's your fun place, like me and the lamp store.
Come on, we'll have a blast.
Kids, while we're out, the tv's in charge.
Go to bed when it says.
Two glasses of wine, moe.
Wine? Geez.
No one ever orders that.
Umm all I got is this old stuff here.
"Chateau latour-- Oh, I should just throw this out.
No, it'll have to do.
That'll be four bucks.
Now, in a step I perhaps should have taken initially, let me look up the value of that bottle in this wine collector's guide here.
Oh, what have I done? Let me dry my tears with this lost shakespeare play.
( Sobbing ) come here you little did you guys get home at 2:00 last night? Yep.
Your mother and i have become a legendary party couple.
Like scott and zelda munster.
The best part is, I don't have to ask your father where he was all night, because I was there.
Why are your keys in my scrambled eggs? And why is krusty on the couch? This'll cover what I did to the fireplace.
( Groans ) we're all alone, no chaperone can't get our number the world's in slumber let's misbehave ( groaning ): Oh, my head.
( Chirping ) oh! ( Loud ticking ) ( groans ) ( loud dripping ) ( loud scraping ) ( louder scraping ) ( thunderous rustling ) ( loud footsteps ) ( hinge squeaking loudly ) do you have to make such an unholy racket? Sorry, marge-- I got to break in my ski boots some time.
Maybe we should put this booze cruise in dry dock for a while.
No problem.
We can still have fun without you drinking.
Okay and maybe you could cut back, too.
You got it.
And when I feel weak, I will draw strength from the bible.
Uh-oh.
Here comes the gospel according to puke.
I hope I can still have fun while everyone else is drinking.
Don't worry, honey.
I don't even know if they serve alcohol at this thing.
( Polka music playing ) duffmensch orders you to party! This reich will last a thousand beers.
Oh, ja! I do this, and I'm jewish.
( Chanting ): Eins, zwei, drei, beer! Ah, the germans.
You just can't stay mad at 'em.
Well, I don't want to be a "gloom-hilda.
" I guess one beer won't hurt.
Isn't that a little big? You can just nurse it.
( Chanting ): Nurse it! Nurse it! Have you ever walked on stilts? It's not that great.
Yes, and you've said that several times now.
Why do people worry about stuff? It's all going to work out.
All good points.
Sleep tight, my drunken angel.
( Snoring ) ( horn honks ) I'm in no condition to drive.
Wait-- I shouldn't listen to myself.
I'm drunk.
( Engine starts ) ( tires squeal ) okay, okay.
Remember the rules for drinking and driving.
Drive slow but not too slow.
Drink some cola to keep yourself alert.
What the? Nice work, cruise control.
Are we home yet? ( Siren wailing ) in a minute, honey.
Oh, my god! If I get one more D.
U.
I.
, They'll take away my license.
And what will I leave when I rent erblades? ( Muttering fearfully ) ( sniffing ) oh, boy, I smell beer.
Devil's mouthwash.
You weren't calling it that at the christmas party.
Okay, I'm going to need you to let that go, chief.
Oh, my god! This D.
U.
I.
Is a she-U.
I.
! Oh, no ( hiccups ) I'm going to be incarcer.
.
incarcer incarer I'm going to jail.
( Wood snapping ) what was that? Maybe someone else is here.
And maybe he'll step forward and admit to being the real culprit.
( Homer makes bird noises ) bawk ooh-ooh.
Oh, this is a new low for me.
( Continues bird noises ) I paid your bail, honey.
You're free to go.
I can't believe I drove drunk.
But you do believe it, right? I don't know what to believe anymore.
That's my girl! Just take me home.
Moe: Where's your wife tonight, homer? She's not coming anymore.
What? It's 'cause of her I put in a bidet.
Well, it's actually just a stepladder by the water fountain.
Listen, moe, I did something really terrible to someone I love.
Hey, look, I've been in the bartender business for a long time, all right? I've heard it all.
Well, what I did was oh! What are you? You're like a monster! That's, like, the worst thing I've ever heard anybody do to anybody.
You should be drinking watered-down beer in a chipped glass on a stool with a nail sticking up out of it.
You know what? ( Sobbing ) can I have some peanuts? Yeah, all right.
But I get to poke you with a stick.
( Both grunting ) hey, did you see the game last night? The blood of christ.
Hey, save some for the rest of us, alky! Don't bogart our lord! I'm not a drunk! Now, marge, we do not judge here.
Today's service is concluded.
Suggest you all get on the road before marge.
Marge, when i finally decided to stop drinking, there was a place that really helped me out.
Maybe they can help you.
This is a pamphlet for chimney sweeping.
Is it, marge? Is it? Oh, it is.
Here you go.
This place is great.
It cured me five times! My drinking problem is out of control.
At oktoberfest, all I could think about was beer! I couldn't even celebrate the harvest.
Homer: I can't talk to my wife for 28 days? Sir, she is not an alcoholic! You can't put me on hold! I'll put you on hold! I am a lineman for the county your call is important to us.
Please continue to hold.
And I drive the main road there are eight calls ahead of you.
And the wichita lineman is still on the li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li- li--li-li-li-line! Dad, I still have a couple of questions about this.
Mom never drives drunk, and the crash was in your car.
Also, the driver's seat was adjusted for your stomach lisa, lisa, your suspicions are important to me and will be answered in the order received.
Macarthur park is melting in the dark all that sweet green icing rolling down someone left my cake out in the li-li-li-li-li-li- li-li-li li li ( yelps ) ( door slams ) you know how some people are chocoholics? Well, I'm an alcoholic.
( All gasp ) look, I'm not sure this place is working.
The drinkers are smoking, the smokers are drinking, and the gamblers are having sex with everyg that moves.
Hey, baby, you want to play caribbean stud? I'll show you what I'm holding.
Get away from me! Your loss, stupid lady.
Flanders, can you watch my kids while I'm at the rehab clinic? Oh, thank god.
You're finally fighting your demons.
My demons and i are closer than ever.
Next year we're gonna visit every major league baseball park.
I'm just going in to bust marge out.
Well, that's good too, I guess.
Feed my pets and tape my shows! I'm here to deliver a package to marge simpson.
Where's the package? Damn it! Homer? Marge! I have an awful confession to make.
You didn't crash that car.
It was me.
I put you behind the wheel and I'm so, so, so sorry.
You let me believe that I'd done such a terrible thing? Marge, I did it out of love.
Love of not being arrested.
But I realize now that nothing is more important than you.
I can't believe you did that to me! That woman means the world to me.
Would it be all right if I read from my bible? Of course.
( Liquid gurgling ) ( gulping ) no wonder they call it "the good book.
" I am so cheesed off! I need a drink! Then you should thank god you're in a rehab center.
'Cause we're packin'! Arr, a couple of these and your first mate turns into reese witherspoon.
Pour me another.
Just take the whole leg.
What's with all those rappin' grannies in the movies? If I ever start rappin', just shoot me in the head.
How you doin', big blue? Well, I feel a buzz, but I don't feel happier.
It's not like when I was drinking with homer.
Maybe it wasn't the alcohol you liked.
Hey, you're right! What I enjoyed was spending time with my husband.
You're hooked on love, marge.
I know that feelin'.
Nine months later, seymour plopped outta me.
I woulda kept walking, but there were cops everywhere.
Well, I love my husband and I'm glad I do.
My name is marge S.
And I'm a homer-holic! You're drinkin' homer-hol? I'll take a swig.
I'm afraid what I like can't be swallowed, sniffed or smoked.
Hmm.
Then you better inject it between my toes, 'cause my mom checks my arms! Thanks for everything, kyle.
Yes, I really don't think you two should leave.
He's a chronic alcoholic and you're in complete denial.
Aw, shut up, captain bringdown! Homie, I want you to promise me you'll cut down on the drinking.
Okay, marge.
For you I'll give up rum-based cocktails.
Except mojitos and rum and coke.
Well, that's no promise at all! It's important for me to see you take at least one step.
Then maybe we can have some memories together that aren't just a nauseous blur.
All right.
For you, I will give up all clear liquors.
Really? Even zima? Hey, I only drink that when I'm already drunk.
You really mean it? Hey, anything's possible with a little help from my bible.
Oh, no! It's a real one! No! Why, god, why? Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.
Wgbh.
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