The Simpsons s15e16 Episode Script

Wandering Juvie

The SimpsonsS15E16 " The Wandering Juvie " d-ohh! ( Screams ) Official captions captured by With the ATI TV Wonder pro TV Magazine program captioning sponsored by fox broadcasting company and twentieth century fox ( Grumbling ) ( cackling laughter) where are your clothes for the gentleman who's big and fat? The basement, sir.
( Whoops ) homer, before you get anywhere near the escalator, you've got to tie those shoes.
Homer! ( Yells ) ( groans ) so many shoppers.
( Grunts ) damn this-- oh!-- Resilient economy! Oh! ( Fabric tearing ) ( groans ) this is our "li'l hooker" line.
All the girls your age are wearing it-- except the freakishly unpopular.
But I'm eight years old! So is your look.
Are you aware that you've exposed your skin to a whole host of airborne de-beautifiers? No.
This dermal magnifier will show the extent of the damage.
( Loud clicking ) ( loud gasp ) ( growling ) ( yells ): He's eating my beauty! Mm-hmm.
Skin mites love the taste of beauty.
Try this rejuvenating lotion.
It contains over Whoa! ( Weak growling ) I hope he didn't have children.
Do they have children? Millions of them.
( Groans ) ( homer humming a tune ) sir, other customers need to use that dressing room.
Dressing room? Uh-oh.
Edna, we don't need wedding china.
The dishes mother won on let's make a deal are holding up nicely.
Seymour, if we register for these dishes, our wedding guests will buy them for us.
And I suppose those wedding guests will also pay for dishwashing liquid, heated water, and two-sided sponges? Hm! Silent anger: The cornerstone of a successful marriage.
Die, happy couples.
( Imitating automatic gunfire ) that's not a toy, son.
It's a bar code reader.
It registers wedding gifts.
Bull-honky! No, not bull-honky.
A couple uses the gun to select gifts they want ( beeps ) for their wedding.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to the employee lounge to finish my shasta.
Name of groom.
Bart simpson.
Name of bride.
Lotta cooties.
( Sinister chuckling ) ( beeping ) it's a nice day for a white wedding ( beeps ) it's a nice day to start again ( beeping ) ( sinister chuckling ) a fake wedding? That's what I call chutzpah! Yeah.
I'm gonna scam this town out of so many presents.
And what I don't use, I'm gonna return for store credit! Both ( chanting ): Store credit! Store credit! Store credit! ( Sighs ): Another employee family wedding.
What's the traditional peasant gift in these parts, a milking cow? Actually, silverware is all that's left on the registry.
See if lenny wants to go in on a spoon.
Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town.
I am your niece, uncle joe.
Good lord, I'm an abomination! ( Sinister chuckling ) this prank is my sergeant pepper'S.
I see neither blushing bride, nor ardent swain.
There is no wedding here! ( Crowd murmuring ) oh, my god, we're sealed in! Hey, nobody breathe my air! Get your own! ( Loud breathing ) why, you selfish little maggot! I'll suck your lungs dry! ( Gasping ): Knock it off! ( Groaning and gasping ) ( others inhaling loudly ) ( loud breathing, gasping ) ( exhausted groan ) ( bodies falling ) yes! So, you thought you'd pull a fake wedding, eh? You're under arrest.
Come on, chief, it was just a prank.
Would some flatware make things right? Um, what does it say on my badge? "Cash bribes only.
" Let's go.
Bart, the record of your mischief is staggering.
Just look at this file.
That doesn't look so big.
These are directions to the facility where bart's criminal record occupies three full storage lockers.
Six feet by eight? Six by 14.
( All gasp ) bart simpson, I hereby sentence you to six months at the springfield juvenile correctional facility.
Juvie?! Please, judge, you can'T.
I-I'll do anything.
I'll squeal on my dad-- he's been up to bad things.
Crap you never even thought of! We've already got an informer working deep cover on your dad.
One he'll never suspect.
Is it lenny? Damn it! I mean uh, no.
Now, take that kid away.
No! You're not going to take my baby to jail! ( Grunting) all right, boys, she's not letting go.
Make the switch.
( Humming tunelessly ) ( crying ) your eyes need diapers.
"Your eyes need di" that's good, ralphie.
One slingshot one pack of cards, baseball one doodle, "fartzilla" one harmonica.
Perfect mood-setter for the end of your freedom.
( Plays mournful refrain ) lessons by mail, worthwhile.
( Crying ) my baby boy is in jail.
I'm the worst mom in the world.
It's not all your fault.
All these years, I watched you turn our son into a time bomb, and yet I did nothing.
So in a way, I, too, am a victim of you.
You're a great mom.
You were always there for bart with love and support.
His acting out was probably caused by negative reinforcement.
Oh, I get it.
Blame the strangler.
( Scoffs ) ( scoffs ) ( scoffs ) woman: Just because you've done time at juvie doesn't mean the world has given up on you.
See for yourself the exciting careers that wait for you upon your release.
( Groaning ) these are all fast food jobs.
Ex-cons are a godsend to employers like me.
If you ask for a raise, I just call your parole officer and back in the can you go! ( Laughing ) they fight, and fight ( cheering ) ah, cartoons.
America's only native art form.
I don't count jazz, 'cause it sucks.
Freedom! Bloodshed! I declare an end to the spectacular 3-d blood and gore.
( Cheering ) they cut all the good parts.
I've lost everything I loved.
Okay, if I use my head, I can keep out of trouble.
Better stay out of the sandbox, I could be buried alive.
Maybe the slide ( grunting ) don't forget to buy your photos.
I'll just hang out next to girls' juvie.
Hello, ladies.
( Grunting ) I'm gina.
You touch my fence again and your puberty's going to be very boring.
( Tearing ) ( grunting ) ( laughing ) ( sobbing ): God, I hate this place.
It's nothing like the brochure.
It's horrible in here.
The boys beat me up, the girls beat me up.
Now sweetie, you shouldn't hang around with people who beat you.
They're not true friends.
Time's up! My poor boy is miserable in here.
There has to be something I can do to help him.
Ah, interesting.
Marge, what does that sign say? So, why do you want to be a guard here? I believe that children are the future, unless we stop them now.
Welcome aboard.
This end's for beating, this end's for holding.
When does training start? It just finished.
Hey, catch! ( Laughing ) that's my doll! ( Grunts ) keep away! Keep away! Homer: Put that sissy down! If you're going to pick on someone, why don't you pick on someone much bigger than you with a gun? Dad? That's right.
I got a job here so I can watch over you like a mother hen.
His dad's a screw? I sure am.
Here you go, son.
I brought you a lollipop from the guards' lounge.
Neh! Not so tough now, huh? Homer: Yeah ( whistle blows ) well, that's the end of my shift.
See you monday.
Oh, wait, monday's martin luther king day.
Oh, I'll see you when I see you.
( Kisses ) love you.
( Nervously chuckles ) uh, this lollipop's really for everybody.
Warden: Studies show the part of the brain that remembers dance steps is also the anger center.
So, juveniles who know how to fox-trot are 10% less likely to commit a double homicide.
Who conducted this study? The institute of "shut your fat face"! Now pair up! He's mine.
Him? Why? I like them small and bug-eyed.
( Locks clicking ) you two will dance, and you'll like it.
Then you'll have punch and you'll drink it.
Then your eyes will meet, and it will be awkward.
So help me god.
Okay, here's my rules.
Hands at 10:00 and 2:00, no eye contact, and I don't want to hear how pretty I look.
Don't worry, you won'T.
( Grunting ) we're getting out of here.
( Grunts ) whoa! They're escaping! Seal the perimeter! I'm on it.
Can't you go any faster? Well, I can close it faster, or I can close it right.
Can't you do both? Talk to the union.
( Sirens blaring ) I'm getting out in two weeks.
Why would I want to break out with you? ( Kisses ) well, you do look pretty in the moonlight.
( Grunting ) hey, guards! Help! Help! ( Muffled talking ) guess where the next one's going.
( Muffled ): Up my butt? Why did you kiss me? Are you looking to do the bartman? Hey, I'm only sticking with you till I get these chains off.
And if we get caught, I'm telling them this was your idea.
Yeah? Why would they believe you? Because I can do this.
( Crying ) that mean boy he dragged me out of the dance.
I didn't want to go, but he was too strong.
But you got 20 pounds on me.
And then he said I was fat.
( Sobs ) oh, I am screwed.
You bet you are.
Now as long as we're together, I expect you to be a man.
But I have to wizzle.
I miss prison.
Brockman: I am not chipping in on a birthday cake for that jackass arnie pye.
Let him eat this is kent brockman, live at springfield juvenile hall, the scene of a daring escape by inmates bart simpson and gina vendetti.
( Gasping ) to understand the mindset of the escapees, we've brought in an expert, former under-aged offender snake.
If they're smart, kent, they'll stay off the main roads.
It's all here in my book-- "ten habits of highly successful criminals.
" All right, I plugged your book.
Now put down the gun.
Tell them I'll be on conan thursday, with heather locklear and third-eye blind.
Why would bart escape if he's going to be released in two weeks? You just don't understand boys.
He's stupid.
But he won't know where to go or what to eat.
Relax, what's the worst that could happen? You shall marry my daughter, moonhilda.
I can't wait to lay my eggs in his brain.
No son of mine will be marched down the aisle at the barrel of a ray gun! Let's go! ( Door slams ) bart: So why'd they send you to juvie? Shoplift a scrunchie? Get bent.
I pushed snow white over the parapet at disneyland.
Oh, man.
Did she live? Yeah, but it's not a good life.
Gina, before we get any closer, there's something you need to know about me.
I think girls are icky-pants.
Took a lot of courage to say that.
Courage I'm going to pinch out of you.
( Grunting and laughing ) wiggum: Say, cletus, have you seen a couple of kids go by? I don't have such a good memory since I drank my thermometer but I whittles what I sees.
Is this them? It sure is.
We're on the right track.
Uh, hey, what are you making now? Uh, sometimes I whittles the future.
Bart: Great.
I can get these handcuffs off before I get a full-blown case of the cooties.
Bart, I can't believe you don't know this, but there's no such thing as cooties, cootie shots, cootie force-fields, or cootie insurance.
But state farm took my money.
When we split up, where are you going to go? Don't worry, my family'll hide me till the heat's off.
Wow, your parents are cool.
Oh, man, there's a line.
You ke your ink hole shut about this.
Both: We're free! We're free! Bart, I'm going to miss you so much.
( Kisses ) hey, the next time my mom asks me to help around the house, I could come live with your family.
( Grunting ) don't get fresh with me, jerk.
Take it from a blacksmith-- that girl's trouble.
Oh, that girl's nuts.
First she likes me then she hates me.
I've already forgotten how ugly she is.
I'd better eyeball that ape one more time.
( Gasps ) what's up? Don't you want to get back to that awesome family of yours? What are you crying about? How cool they are? ( Sobbing ) oh, I know you're sad now, but surely your incredible family will cheer you up.
Wait do you even have a family? No, I don't! They're imaginary, like your brain! Hey, I understand.
You don't understand anything! ( Grunting ) you're such a psycho! Mama's boy! ( Grunting ) future skank! Family guy! Wiggum: Well, well, well.
If it isn't punch n' juvie.
Plant the evidence on them, boys.
Uh, chief, we don't have to.
These ones are actually guilty.
Makes our job that much easier.
( Kisses ) oh, bart, my troubled little lamb.
You'll be in jail for so long.
But I'll keep your room just the way it was-- a pigsty.
Son, I want you to know, no matter what anyone says, there's no shame in being caught alive.
Take a good, long look at the innocent love in your son's eyes, 'cause when he gets out of prison, it'll be gone forever.
He will have a great bod, though.
And a couple of those teardrop tattoos.
Those are cool.
There's something I have to tell you guys.
Look, my fly is down 'cause it's broken, okay? No, it's something else.
Bart, she took all the responsibility for the escape.
You're free to go.
But the kid's still got time on his sentence, chief.
Look, if you all want to squeeze into the back seat, fine.
With my box kite.
Oh, forget it.
Welcome back, gina.
I got a few new cell mates for you.
That's cool.
I wouldn't feel right going to the bathroom with no one watching.
( Gasps ) I thought you might want to have a nice family dinner.
We're having make- your-own-taco night.
Gina, thanks for showing us the meaning of christmas.
And thanks for showing my brother that girls can be cool.
Who is this nerd? Taco, please.
Well, my shift's over.
I guess it's back to my bachelor apartment.
Make a tuna sandwich, turn on will and grace and cry myself to sleep.
Mm would you like to join us? Didn't you hear me? I've got an evening planned.
( Slams ) media access group at wgbh access.
Org Adapted by Ninjaw.
for forom.
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