The Simpsons s16e07 Episode Script

Mommie Beerest

Now, before we eat, let's remember what we're celebrating today-- after many years of hard work, your father finally paid off the mortgage.
See you in Hell, document.
All right, Dad.
- Way to build equity.
Now remember to eat smart, people.
Go for the fancy foods-- don't let 'em fill you up with that cheap stuff.
A roll, sir? - Screw you.
Oatmeal? Smoked salmon shrimp crab legs.
I win.
Thinner thinner too thin.
Better luck next time, "Tommy-- Virginia Beach.
" You ate meat.
You ate meat.
You ate fruit.
You ate fruit.
Stow it, you two.
Stop making a scene! How rude.
What do I have to do to enjoy a Sunday brunch with my secret other family? I've never been so embarrassed.
And the worst part is, this is brunch, so you've ruined two meals.
I'll see you all at lupper.
Why did I ever have kids? I could have written symphonies, or been Shakespeare.
Here, Homer.
Have a big, frosty mug of Fuhgetaboutit.
I wouldn't drink that.
From the looks of this place, it might kill you.
Oh, who are you, the health inspector? Yes.
My God, look at this filth.
I ought to close this dump down for good.
But then where would I go to get away from my wife? Come here, Moe, you beautiful, hideous troll.
Guys, this is Frankie from the Health Department.
We go way back.
Lenny, you don't have to hide that rat.
Off you go, little fella.
When we were kids, our dads used to get drunk and make us fight each other.
My pop would buy me a malted for every tooth of Moe's I knocked out.
That time you blinded me, he gave you a bike.
That sure was a good-soundin' bike Well, now to give this place a "thorough inspection.
" Free from infestation? Check.
Sanitary utensils? Check.
Food hygienically stored? Only one way to find out.
Oh my God, he's dead.
Okay, which one of you guys parked in front of the hydrant? Uh, look, I didn't see nothin' here, okay? Just a bunch of innocent guys, sitting around, none of them dead.
Buy yourselves a nice dinner.
So, uh, Mr.
New Guy, what do you think? Is everything hunky-dory there? Mr.
Szyslak, your tavern is rife with Health Code violations.
You gotta be kidding me.
Like what? For starters, the body of my predecessor is still on the floor.
Uh, well, ya see, trash day ain't 'til Wednesday, so Chicken skins in soap dispenser cigarette butts in the air toilet on the roof I'm shutting you down till you fix these violations.
Oh, man, I can't afford to fix all that stuff.
Aw, nuts.
If anybody needs me, I'll be in the john.
Oh, Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling From glen to glen And down the mountainside The summer's gone and all the roses falling 'Tis you, 'tis you must go And I must bide.
Moe's, a tribute.
"M" is for Moe, the owner of Moe's.
"O" is for the "O" in the middle of Moe's.
"E" is for acceptance.
The feeling I always got here at Moe's.
Oh, Moe! Don't let them close you down.
It's too late.
I don't have the cash to clean up the bar.
From now on, you guys are just going to have to do your drinking across the street.
Hey, a beer's a beer.
I can't go to a gay bar-- I'm too fat.
Moe, I'm going to help you reopen your bar, no matter what it takes.
Mr.
Simpson, for a loan this big, you'll have to put up your house as collateral.
Put up my house? But I just paid it off.
What would Marge say? Do whatever you have to do to save Moe's.
I love my Homie.
Okay, honey, I'll do it.
What's going on here? Nothing.
Nothing.
Thanks, Homer.
No one's ever trusted me before-- except for that one guy who shouldn't have.
That was me.
Oh, yeah.
Homer, those kookoo-birds at the bank goofed up and sent us a mortgage statement.
Marge! How dare you open a letter addressed to both of us! M631700000642J? This is a new loan tracking number.
You got a new mortgage? I had to.
Or Moe's would stay closed forever.
You gave the money to Moe? How's he going to pay us back? Look, look.
I can see you're upset.
If you need me, I'll be at Moe's.
Well, maybe I'll go to Moe's, too, seeing as I'm now part owner.
Marge, you can't go with me to Moe's.
I mean, how would you like it if I came with you to your mother's? I would like it.
You never come to my mother's.
That's because I hate her.
Until you pay us back, you're answering to me.
And there's going to be big changes.
now wait just a minute.
One thing Moe Szyslak has never had is a partner.
Nor a wife, a friend, a chum, a casual acquaintance, a pen pal, a parrot, a meaningful conversation, a brief hug or eye contact.
I'm just going to call the suicide hotline now.
And they've blocked my number.
Oh, God! Just made it! Quittin' time! Boy, I can't wait to get my lips around an ice cold Marge? I'm here protecting our investment.
I'd like you to go home and make dinner for the kids.
But I don't wanna take care of the kids.
How many cigars are they allowed to have? Bart sleeps in the microwave, right? Quit playing dumb.
How many magic beans should I sell the baby for? Three? That's me, jerk-ass Homer.
Come on, go home.
Maybe some cheerier paint would make this place less of a dive.
Marge, my customers don't like themselves.
Therefore, they seek the darkness.
Well as fabulous as your regulars are, a remodel might bring in a higher class of lush.
Look, I like Moe's the way it is, all right? And I ain't changin' it for any dame, skirt, Susie-Q or face-macer.
I had a feeling you'd say that, so I prepared something that might help you change your tune.
This place is a diamond, but it's trapped in the rough Yeah, well, the sign still says "Moe's" So enough of your guff Here's my new idea to sell both beer and grub We will turn this filthy dive Into a proper old-time British pub A British whaaa? Darts and meat pies And lager in pint glasses What a classy way To get drunk off your asses Hey, hold the phone.
An English pub-- that just might work.
In song My bar could be British Instead of arm-pittish, so why don't we all Eh, screw it.
Let's get renovatin'.
Well, I was thinking more like drapes and a paint job, but your idea's good, too.
Thanks.
Pint of ale, my dear? Well thank you, Your Honor.
You know, you're kind of sexy.
That's a deliberate mis-statement of fact.
But I'll allow it.
My first credit card.
Wow, the numbers are all bumpy-like.
So, Mr.
Boswell, what do you think of the new Moe's? Marge Simpson and Moe Szyslak, here's a mash note to your bangers-- I wish you could live in me forever.
Thanks, uh, Freakazoid.
I'd just like to say that there's one person to whom I really owe my newfound success-- Marge Simpson.
Thanks, Moe.
Dad, Mom's spending more time at Moe's than you are.
And they seem awfully chummy.
Just what are you inferring? I'm not inferring anything.
You infer.
I imply.
Whew, that's a relief.
Boy, what a night! Moe showed me how to give someone the bum's rush.
Here, watch.
Get lost, rummy! Ah, yes, Detroit-style.
Very nice.
So, you've been at Moe's every night this week.
I know, I used to think of Moe as a scabby, dead-eyed hunchback, but now that I've gotten to know him, we kind of bonded.
Bonded?! How many times? Homer, Moe and I are just work friends.
You and I are marriage friends.
Thanks, honey.
My mind is completely at ease.
Hey, it's me.
Moe! What's up, partner? Marge, sorry to call you so late, but I had a great idea-- put cutesy signs outside the restrooms that say "dukes" and "dames" instead of the ones we have now that say "standups" and "sitdowns.
" Huh? Tell me honestly-- what do you think? Ooh, that's a great idea.
Thanks.
Wait, are you sure I'm not interruptin' anything? Of course not.
I'm in bed with Homer.
Also, I want to go with the green Well, I might as well use this pucker for something.
Coming this summer from Dreamworks Cards ! the game of their lives.
I don't wanna be a three! I wanna be a seven! Shut up, kid.
You're as crazy as an eight, I'm telling you.
With Eddie Murphy as the Jack of Clubs.
You don't understand, Officer.
I thought that king was a queen.
This summer, the house is full, and the deuces are wild! In Cards! Hey, Jack, you got any twos? You can't handle the twos! Oh, Marge, don't you love it when our hands meet in the popcorn tub? Hey, Marge! - Howdy, partner! Why don't you sit next to us? Hey, Moe.
How do you know about that? Oh, Marge told me.
We share everything.
You do? Don't worry.
They're just friends.
There's nothing physical between them.
Homer, can you hold my wedding ring for a second? My finger's itchy.
Uh-oh.
I'm gonna have to work on my marriage.
Or alternatively Something wrong, Homer? Well, I'm worried about Marge and Moe.
They've developed an intimate bond of thoughts and feelings completely separate from me.
But it's not physical.
So everything's great, right? Homer, it's time you learned the sad truth.
Can I learn it at a happy place? Moe and Marge are having an "emotional affair.
" Although there's no physical intimacy, there's a deep spiritual connection that threatens to destroy your marriage.
What do I do?! Engage her feelings, become a friend.
Ooh, get her a Life Magazine from the week she was born.
I'll always treasure mine.
You're absolutely right! Stop this ride! You're the boss! I want to go again, Daddy! Daddy? Marge, my darling! Thank God you're home! I've been dying to hear your feelings! Oh, I'm too tired to talk.
Well, I can go all night, baby.
I could listen to you two, maybe three times.
Homie, I'm tired.
I have to get up early to catch my flight.
Catch your flight? Moe and I are going to the Tavern and Restaurant Owners Convention in Aruba this weekend.
Don't you ever listen to me? I told you ten times.
Cuckold! Cuckold! Cuckold! What's a cuckold? Where's Mom going with Uncle Moe? He's only your emotional uncle! I'm your real uncle! Well, if Hollywood movies have taught us anything, it's that troubled relationships can be completely patched up by a mad dash to the airport.
I'm off! Folks, welcome to No Frills Airlines' flight to Aruba.
Safety instructions are two dollars.
If you require wheelchair assistance, you picked the wrong airline.
Uh, you know, Marge, I've really enjoyed you working at the bar.
Me, too, Moe.
What a nice surprise that we've become friends.
Yeah.
Oh, Marge, I'm so in love with you.
And tonight, after some surf 'n' turf and a bottle of champagne, maybe some Snickers pie, I'll explain how the hotel I'll explain how the hotel made a little "mistake" and we got to stay in the same room.
Moe, your upper lip is trembling.
Oh, I'm just excited because they're showing an episode of Boy Meets World on this flight.
Oh no, wait.
That's only on flights from Europe.
We just get that little plane.
Hey, wait a minute.
What the hell is that? Hang on, Marge! Homie's coming! I won't let that man make you happy! Simpson, you were going a hundred in a 25 zone, and you're not gonna flirt your way outta this one.
But I have to get to the airport to save my marriage! Really? Well, why didn't you say so? Let's roll! You didn't work this hard to save my marriage.
Again with that.
Wake up, Lou.
She was way out of your league.
Flight attendants, prepare for takeoff.
Time for some shuba-duba in Aruba.
Oh, my God! Moe, did you see something troubling on the tarmac? No.
Why do you say that? You got to get me closer, Chief! Anything for love! Okay, time to chase this pig into the sty.
Uh, Marge, you deserve a man who listens to you, who respects you, who understands what a treasure you really are.
I don't know what to say.
Just say you love me, Marge.
Love me like I love you.
Please? Marge! That sounds like Homer.
No it isn't.
I don't hear nothin'.
You're crazy.
Get outta here.
Will you marry me? Homer! How'd you get in here? Toilet hole.
You leave my wife alone! - You don't deserve her! You know nothing about Marge.
What's her favorite food? Ice? Wrong! It's buttered noodles.
He's right.
Oh, it's true.
I don't know Marge at all.
I'll just go home now.
Shut it! Shut it! Moe, you've won.
I'll see you at baggage claim.
Hot damn, I won! Marge, I swear I'll be the best man you ever had.
It's gonna be all flowers and back rubs and "How was your day, dear?" and Moe! No, I don't love you.
And I'm certainly not going to leave my husband.
You mean I listened to all your touchy-feely yip-yap for nothing? I'm afraid so.
At least I had a couple of sips from your Coke when you went to the bathroom.
Homie Marge, I just want to say, if you ever feel like cheating on Moe, here's my card.
Homer, I made a vow on our wedding day to stay by you, for better or worse.
And besides, I love you.
You're my Homie-womie- romie-domie.
And you're my Margie-wargie-bargie fargie-gargie-margie-targie-largie.
I may have dodged a bullet here.
Might as well face it, I'll never find anyone.
Come on tide, take me with ya.
I just don't want to feel no more pain.
Moe, I need to tell you something.
You showed me you could be a really sweet guy.
You can make a woman very happy someday.
For realsies? It's true.
You'd be quite a catch if you'd just shower and shave and stop swearing under your breath.
Aw, thanks, Marge.
Know-it-all bitch.
Oh, uh, did I mention there was a mistake at the front desk? Really? Is it one that will change the sleeping arrangements? Could be.
Could be.
Listen, I got to tell you, I chew in my sleep.
Yeah, well, I sweat blood.
Good night, both of you.
Who's watching the kids? Are you sure Mom and Dad want us to enter a European balloon race? Sure.
Why not? Love, Love will keep us together Think of me, babe, whenever Some sweet-talking guy in a thong Hands you a bong Don't take a hit You just got to be strong - You better stop 'Cause I want a sandwich - I said stop Or maybe a Manwich Captioned by