The Simpsons s16e08 Episode Script

Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass

I used to love Springfield Park, but it's gotten so run down.
Oh, the prid is gone.
This whole place is disgusting.
I agree.
Aren't you that crazy Cat Lady? Yes, I am.
But thanks to this psychoactive medication, I enjoy brief moments of lucidity.
Those are just Reese's Pieces.
I know how to save this park.
I'm gonna organize a charity carnival.
Uh, Mom? Looks like someone beat you to it.
God, that Junior League burns me up.
Step right up, and bid on items donated by local businesses.
Oh, I've only got a hundred dollars.
I better bid shrewdly.
First up is this video camera.
One hundred dollars! $100 and 50 cents! Sold! - Damn it! I never win anything.
Ooh, here's something I'm good at.
Yes! Check it out, Fat-wad! I'm better than you, and I'm only ten.
Fat-wad! I love it! Easy gentle Ay carumba! I'm number one! I beat my son! Victory is mine, so kiss my behind! In your face! My son flips frogs like a girl! Yeah! A-boo, a-bah, a-who's your daddy? Homer, do fries come with that shake? - Sure do.
I'm happy! He makes me look cool.
And cool I am not.
May I upload your footage onto my Web site? Well, sir, I don't believe we've ever met.
My name is Jeff Albertson, but everyone calls me Comic Book Guy.
Well, I'll just call you friend.
Here's your tape friend.
What should we click on next? Boxer shot by wife.
Beauty pageant diarrhea.
Here's a new one : Big-ass Baryshnikov.
Now to send this spaz around the world.
Stupid Internet whole world laughing at me Look at the American computer monkey! Dance-a, monkey, dance! Basta, basta.
Take-a my picture with the Internet marmaluke-a! The Internet wasn't created for mockery.
It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets.
It was.
Hello, I'm Deion Overstreet.
The running back for the San Antonio Cow Skulls?! Five-time rushing leader, two-time MVP and star of a Disney Channel movie.
I played the gentle giant, "Stay-off-drugs-ia.
" I know why you're here.
You wanna see me humiliate myself with my stupid dance.
Well, fine.
Wrong! Sidestep, sidestep, shuffle I wanna buy the rights to that dance for $1,000.
Woo-hoo! But why? My workman-like touchdowns never make the highlight reel.
But if I add your shameless shenanigans, I'll be on ESPN every night.
You wanna do my dance after you score? You damn straight, and I'll buy any other dances you've got, too.
"L" is for "loser" Which describes you, sir Don't try to stop me Just enjoy the view, sir.
"The view, sir.
" Then show ass.
Got it.
Honey, I bet you're wondering why Daddy's not at work again.
The answer may surprise you.
I have a new job choreographing end zone dances for a professional football player.
Looks like all you're teaching is obnoxiousness and poor sportsmanship.
Don't forget showboating.
That's the cornerstone of my "Pyramid of Success.
" Ooh, I forgot crotch grabbing.
That'll be the sun.
Grandpa, will you take me fishin'? Sorry, Jimmy, your Grandma and I are going to go have old-people sex.
Thank you, Jammitin! Oh, there's nothing but filth on TV.
But with this new video camera, we can make our own entertainment.
Now boys, we're gonna film the world's first and, some would say, best murder mystery-- the story of Cain and Abel.
Daddy, if Cain and Abel were Adam and Eve's only children, how did they make more babies? Did they make babies with their mother? Or with each other? Your mouth is hopin' for a soapin', boy.
Now stop asking silly questions and go kill your brother! After you prance across the goal line, you hurl the other team's mascot to the ground and drive your cleats into his neck.
You're going down, you potato-eatin' pansy! Homer, are you sure we aren't crossing a line here? I happen to know that the person inside that leprechaun suit is a single mother.
Deion, this is Timmy Thomas.
He has Timmy Thomas disease.
Overstweet, could you do an obnoxious end zone dance for me today? Pweeease? How you like me now? Yello.
Homer, this is LeBron James.
The fans love my dunks, but they hate my dancing.
I think I can fit you in.
Let's see Lenny, can I move you from Wednesday at noon to Sunday at 6:00? Homer, you know that's when I play with neighborhood dogs.
All right, all right, I'll work it out.
Aw, you guys are what it's all about.
Reverend, thanks for turning the church into a He-without- cineplex.
What the Oh, I get it.
Boys, I just talked to God.
He's vacuuming Heaven to get it ready for when dead people show up, and He'd like you both to render a sacrifice.
I shall sacrifice my finest grains and livestock.
Behold, I have found favor with the Lord.
So shall my knife find favor with thy belly! Now I must bury my son, while you wander the earth forever with the mark of evil upon your face.
Ned, your film was a masterpiece.
It turned me from an atheist to a hurray-theist! Sir, you have revealed to me a world of faith, beyond the world of science.
I would pay to see it again and again and again and again, but not six times.
I also would pay to see it again.
- Me, too.
Here's some guy's wallet.
- I am that guy! Smithers, we could make a fortune with these Bible pictures.
And I've been looking for a way to launder the money I made selling club soda as flu vaccine.
Everyone seemed so happy, but I'm surprised at Ned.
He left out all the good times Cain and Abel had when they were growing up.
He's just being true to the Bible, which is pretty violent.
And sexy ! King David stole someone else's wife, Mary Magdalene was a hooker - Bart ! How do you know these things? It's all in this book.
Welcome to the Homer Simpson Showboating Academy.
Today we're working on poor sportsmanship.
First, I want you to hurl a ball at the nearest authority figure.
Nicely done.
Oh, my God! It's my hero, Michelle Kwan! You remind me of a young Dorothy Hamill.
I didn't know you could talk! Lisa, could you pass the salad? And it's James with the steal! Who wants to help me clear the table? I'm sorry, but I do not understand English.
Wait a second.
I've read that you speak excellent English.
Shut up, kid.
I got a good thing going here.
Oh, my.
Ned's next movie seems even bloodier than the last one.
Now, there's no need to actually whip him.
We can put the sound in later.
No! As your financial backer, I insist upon reality.
Pharaoh didn't put the sound in later.
But who'd know the difference? The people being whipped! Hey, Lovejoy, you could take a lesson from Flanders-- you know, inject your services with a little razzle-dazzle.
Oh, I already do, if by "razzle" you mean "piety" and by "dazzle" you mean "Scriptural accuracy.
" What a tool.
I'm richer than you! Look out, Jonah! It's a whale! The only just solution is to cut the baby in half.
Wait a minute.
I killed a baby.
I'm a monster! I can't take any more! Ned, there's more to the Bible than blood and gore.
I guess you'd rather see a film about a liberal European wizard school or the latest sexcapade of Miss Ashley Judd.
Well, I don't like this movie, and I'm going to boycott your financier, Mr.
Oh, really? And what will you use instead of nuclear power? Solar.
- Hydroelectric.
A mix of conservation and wind.
Who told you about those? A talking tree in a commercial.
Well, I know when I've been licked.
Sorry, Ned.
This movie will never be seen again.
Dis-embroider the crew jackets.
We can still send them back.
Welcome to Jock Center! Tonight, the Clipper and the Stripper, a Jones that's Chipper, and did Joe Torre shoot Flipper? But first, professional sports continues its downward march into the gutter.
This is either about me or steroids.
Thanks to professional jerk-ass Homer Simpson, athletes are now taunting and boasting just to get on our highlight reel.
Disgusting Now, here's our highlight reel! Art comes from pain.
Your pain.
Beware the wrath of Kwan! Everyone sucks but me.
Oh, yeah, cheer for Tom.
Give all your love to Tom.
I'm the worst thing to happen to sports since Fox.
Master, you are truly a fool.
Homer Simpson, we work for the Commissioner of Football, and he wants to see you.
I want to see him, too.
Maybe he can tell me how to get this off.
It soaked through to the other side.
The commissioner's in here with all the owners.
Homer, we think you're fabulous.
Since the players began your rowdy rump-shaking, our ratings are up 62%.
Plus, we're making millions in player fines, which I'm going to use to bankroll a musical about The J.
Geils Band! That's right, J.
Geils! Here's why we called you in: we want you to produce this year's Super Bowl halftime show.
At last, my pathetic little life has a meaning.
You suckers! I would've done it for free! Fine, do it for free.
- Damn it! Well, I'll still do it.
I would've paid you.
- Fine, pay us ! Oh, damn it! Will you take a check? No! - Damn it! The Super Bowl halftime show.
From its humble origins in Super Bowl I to the marriage of PacMan and Ms.
PacMan in Super Bowl XVI I now pronounce you PacMan and wife.
Oh, every single Super Bowl halftime show has been great Oh, Homie, don't worry.
I'm sure you'll come up with a great idea.
I don't know.
It's a lot of pressure.
Do many people watch the Super Bowl? - Billions! We're ready for rehearsal, Mr.
So, what do we do? Oh, man, I have no idea what I'm doing.
I wonder if other Super Bowl producers waited till 3:00 in the morning the night before to plan their halftime shows.
A church! Maybe the homeless people sleeping on the floor will have some ideas.
Flanders? Well, I guess you've got some late night problems, too.
I made a great film, but I'm having trouble getting it out there.
I'm like Michael Moore, except I'm skinny, my jeans are washed, and God loves me.
I just wish I could find some way to spread my message.
Have you tried checking the oil filter? Are you even listening to me?! Sure, I'd be happy to tell you my problem.
I've got a venue the whole world will be watching, and nothing to fill it with.
Wait a minute.
You've got a medium, and I've got a message.
Maybe God brought us together for a reason.
You help me, and I, in turn, am helped by you.
And so, ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the start of Super Bowl XXXIX! This brand-new $300 million stadium was completed just one short week ago, and it's scheduled for demolition early next month.
America's priorities are a joke.
Now, here's the kickoff! Wow, all these people are going to see Dad's show.
Oh, I paid a thousand dollars for this seat, and I can't even see the game! Just poke through.
And that's the gun.
We head into halftime with the thrilling score of 55 to 6.
But don't stop watching.
In the second half, points count double.
And now the eagerly awaited Super Bowl halftime show sponsored by the new Ford pickups, Citibank and Moe's Tavern.
How could you afford this? I hustled a lot of pool.
Uh, hey, you want to play? I got to warn you, I ain't that good.
All right Sucker.
Who's the sucker now, huh? Time for Homer's halftime show.
Get ready, Frank.
Frank went to the men's room.
I'm Joe.
We now take you back through the ages to a time before TV, before cowboys, before dinosaurs: the time of the Bible.
The children of God once lived according to their Father's laws, but then a shadow of wickedness fell across the land, as represented by this cloud of white pesticide.
But there was one righteous man: Noah.
O, mighty God, send a flood to destroy this wickedness! Hey, do you guys think Homer's mad at me? I waved at him in the parking lot, and he stared right through me.
I left the People's Republic for this? Yo, Michelle, you got a boyfriend? Not in here, I don't.
After 40 days and 40 nights, the rains stopped, and Noah sent forth a single dove "So God blessed Noah and his sons and said to them, 'Never again shall there be a flood to destroy the Earth.
'I set My rainbow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between God and man.
'" Thank you.
All over America today, viewers were outraged by the Super Bowl halftime show's blatant display of religion and decency.
You try to raise your kids as secular humanists, but these showbiz types keep shoving religion down our throats! Mommy, why wasn't I baptized? You see? You see? I thought America was hungry for meaning.
I should've just sent a crocodile into space like I originally planned.
Homie, I think you did great, and to celebrate, I made omelets from the eggs people threw at our house.
Dig in, everybody.
Omelets for dinner? This is the best day of my life.
Really? Didn't you just sign a $90 million contract? That was a good day, too.
Welcome to the Homer Simpson Showboating Academy.
Today, we're working on poor sportsmanship.
But I like to stand for good sportsmanship.
Quiet, you.
- Yes, sir.
Captioned by access.
org by Lord Damon
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