The Simpsons s16e13 Episode Script

Mobile Homer

Is there anything more fun than a nice Sunday drive? Oh, yeah, it's great.
Why don't we top it off by reading to old people? Well, I think in these days of petro-terrorists and ozone depletion, a Sunday drive reeks of bio-hubris.
Hey! Hey, it's Krusty The Clown! What do you say, Krusty? - What?! Can't I get a cup of coffee without doing a monkey dance for you freaks? The fishing hat means leave me alone! Always nice to see him.
How did Dad get out of this snooze cruise? He's cleaning out the garage.
I can picture it now.
I cleaned out the garage and lost 50 pounds.
It seems a shame to chuck out these cross-country skis.
I'll keep one.
Let's see, now.
"Kill spiders"? We don't have spiders.
Stupid spider! Afraid of dying? What?! Spider poison is people poison?! Bart! Hm, where's the pain? There it is! A spider?! Homie! Time to open the envelope I gave you.
Out of the way! I learned CPR while waiting for other kids to finish their math tests.
Compress his chest! - I'm on it.
Hey! Wha?! Wha' happened?! Where am I?! Who put those spiders in my mouth?! Oh, thank God! He's alive! You wouldn't believe what happened to me! I tried to do what you told me to, but I don't even know what happened Honey? - I'll try to remember near-fatal booboo today really scared me.
What would the kids and I do if something happened to you? Don't worry, if I croak, you'll marry Lenny or Moe.
The winner will be determined by a card game I invented.
I got all the rules written down up here.
You keep almost dying.
Just look at our vacation photos.
Vacation, all I ever wanted Vacation, had to get away Vacation, meant to be spent alone Homie, if you die, I'm gonna have three kids to take care of.
I want you to buy some life insurance.
Please? Sure.
If it'll give you peace of mind.
But I'm not gonna die for many, many years.
I know.
I just want to b Mr.
Simpson, before we can insure you, we need to ask you some questions.
Have you ever had a heart attack? Haven't we all? Strokes? - None.
No, wait, three.
Since the last one, I don't remember so good.
Are you a smoker? - Yes, I am.
You don't smoke! Shh! I want her to think I'm cool! If I sign it, it still counts! My hemophilia! Uninsurable?! I'm not gonna worry just because Homer doesn't have insurance.
A lot of people don't.
Wifetime TV presents, From Homemaker to Homeless.
Oh, Roger, I just love our present lifestyle.
Don't thank me.
Thank our many debts and obligations.
Honey stop kidding around.
Honey?! Brenda, I'm afraid your husband had no insurance.
Well, how will I feed my family? You should have thought of that before you had children with a dead man.
Oh, this is only based on a story.
A true story! Brenda! Where's your wealth? Gone! Along with my sanity! But I'm still pretty, right? Right? The real Brenda later went to Harvard Medical School.
.
As a cadaver.
We need to start saving.
Go easy on that! It's got to last till you're five.
Budget-0's?! That's right.
It's much less expensive than the leading clown-based cereal.
You just have to assemble it yourself.
We saved fifty cents on that purchase.
Mom, why are you so worried about money? Oh, we're just saving for a very rainy day.
You mean when the big tuna goes belly-up? Well, I just think we should be building a nest egg.
Way ahead of you, Marge.
I just ordered a series of tapes on saving money.
They should get here soon.
I paid a bundle for overnight delivery.
I have a book from the library with the same information.
Okay, I'll just hire a haulage firm to cart them away at my expense! Directory assistance? No more directory assistance! It's not free.
Well, I'll get a lawyer on that.
No, a whole team of lawyers, who will dine on mustard flown in from the Orient.
No more oriental mustard! It's so embarrassing.
Mom is making us wear clothes from Goodwill.
People died in those shirts.
No outside suds! I'm sorry, Moe.
Marge won't let me spend any money-- even counterfeit money! It's my money.
I'm the one who earns it.
Drinking beer out of a thermos like an animal.
Can you help me unload this soup from the car? There was a sale, so I bought 400 cans.
Marge, your penny-pinching rampage has gone too far.
Oh, honey, I know it's not easy, but we've got to put money away.
You can't enjoy money when you're dead, so why not have fun now? Don't you think you've had enough "fun"? Last year, you spent $5,000 on donuts, $2,000 on scalp massages, $500 on body glitter Hey, I earn that money.
While you lounge around here, doing laundry and putting up drywall, I'm at work busting my hump.
Oh, please.
From what I hear, you waltz in there at 10:30, take a nap on the toilet, then sit around Googling your own name until lunch.
Who told you that? You shouted it while we were making love.
Now, look here, mister.
I pay the bills, I do the budget, and I'm in charge of the money.
Are you going to let her push you around? Yeah, show that skirt who's boss, see? Give us our independence, Homer.
Yes, President Franklin.
I, uh, was never president.
I invented some kind of stove.
Well, I invented a Popsicle made of Mountain Dew.
Sweet.
Yeah, yeah, that's swell.
My scrimpings! You banged? Did you spend our savings on a motor home? No.
I spent our savings on the down payment for a motor home.
I need a castle where I can be king! Well, I hope you enjoy it, Your Majesty, 'cause I'm not speaking to you.
Damn it! Kids, your mother and I have decided to take a little break from each other.
While we deal with our issues, I plan to go on Motorhome Makeover.
and trick this thing out like a palace, not like that dump you live in.
All I need is for someone to start a show called : Motorhome Makeover.
I see.
ou were mad enough to leave our house, but not mad enough to leave our property.
That's my half-assed dad.
Hey, I couldn't leave you kids.
You're like my own family.
Now check this place out.
Neat! When I sleep at Dad's, I call this bed.
You can have it.
This one's way better.
That's a bread compartment.
You're a bread compartment! Kids! Come back in the house! Oh, do we have to? I melted string cheese over some corn chips.
Oh, boy! I've got Gameboys and caramel apples! I'll let you sass me! I'll let you punch me! You can wear swimsuits instead of underwear! We'll have Christmas tomorrow! Welcome to the jungle We got fun 'n' games We got everything you want Honey, we know the names We are the people that can find whatever you may need Free gas! Well, it's a pleasure to meet another sultan of the slow lane.
That's my rig over there.
She's a Roam-a-way SilverCoach.
Boy, I wouldn't mind driving that to the Holland, Michigan Tulip Festival.
I'm looking for a place to dock the beast.
I don't mean you, Martha.
I've never loved you either.
We use jokes to mask our pain at the death of our son.
Really.
A place to dock? I got room.
I have a backyard that makes my front yard look like an idiot.
Can I bring the rest of the convoy? Are you crazy? Let 12 complete strangers live on my lawn? Well, we'll give you regional beers.
It's a deal! And there you have it.
Welcome, welcome.
If my wife asks, you're here for a Boz Skaggs concert.
Homer! What are all these recreational vehicles doing here? These are my new friends.
They like me for me and my plumbing and gas hookups.
Young lady, I like what you're driving.
Is that one of them two-level Wander-Kings? This is a house! Hey, boys, let's play her the RV National Anthem.
Daddy, all the fumes are making me dizzy.
Well, now, Roddy, the Lord wouldn't let us die this way.
That's right, Ned.
Now, you three take a little nap while I make some hot chocolate.
I've been everywhere, man I've been everywhere Travel, I've done my share, man I've been everywhere I've been to Springfield Shelbyville, Ogdenville Cap City, Ogdenberg, Shelbytown Spring City, Capfield, West Springfield Paris, Rome and Shelbyville adjacent Sing it, baby! That's a lot of places.
I know another place you can go! To sleep.
Sorry, Marge.
We've got the power now, and you can't turn us off! Can't turn off the power? Sashay this and fancy that Watch the dog dance with the cat Lights out, weirdos! I was making a Monte Cristo sandwich when my crisper cut out.
It's not golden brown, it's not brown, it's not nothin'.
You don't belong on the lawn.
You belong in your bed with your wife.
That's no marriage bed.
It's a loveless slab of bossiness! Well, you're not perfect either! Name one way I'm not.
You hide food in my hair.
You think brushing your teeth is foreplay I'll have you know I could have married Sideshow Mel! Boy, they're really going at it.
Do you think they're gonna get divorced? No.
I don't see Dad doing all that paperwork.
What? I seem to recall you asked me to get this fat! Oh, boy.
Let's get out of here before Dad does a bad impression of Mom.
I'm Marge Simpson.
Don't eat off the floor.
I am so sick of that story about finding an onion ring in your French fries.
It was 20 years ago.
That was my Woodstock! You know what started all this trouble? This motor home.
How can a vehicle this cool destroy a marriage that crappy? Hey, I know this is a crazy idea, but hear me out.
What if we Take this back to the dealer? Wow, I was gonna say "Call Reverend Lovejoy," but I guess this could work.
Oh yeah, Marge? What about my womanly needs? Slowly, slowly.
The RV dealer is across town under that gorilla blimp.
How do you know that's their blimp? Duh! It's Kamper Kong.
Bob, word on the street is there's two kids trying to return an RV.
Return an RV?! Return an RV?! Tie me to the Kong and cut its tethers.
You don't take anything seriously.
Not even your bankruptcy hearing! Hey, that judge thought I rocked.
Case closed! Although my case is still open.
If you need me, I'll be in my trailer! My RV is gone! It was more than a motor home.
It was a car I could go to the bathroom in.
Hey, a note.
Dear Mom and Dad: "We don't want you guys to split up, so we're driving the RV back to the dealer.
" We've got to stop them.
This is a parent's worst nightmare! They've stolen a car and they're home alone.
Let's see, the RV dealership is across the freeway on the corner of This is a Flintstones Fun Map.
Look Dad wrote something: Dino-- short for dinosaur? Remember to ask Jeeves.
We're on the freeway! Would you look at those Simpson kids.
Last year it was Razor scooters, this year they're driving RVs.
When I was a kid, my mom would give me an empty egg carton and I'd pretend it was a spaceship to the moon.
You'll never guess what I used for astronauts.
I'm going to say eggs.
Shut up.
Oh, my God, there they are! I've lost them! I can't see past all the SUVs! Don't worry about the SUVs.
There's a gentle curve up ahead.
Bart! Pull over! We'll stop fighting, we promise! Prove it! Yeah, kiss and make up! We're not quite there yet, but we've opened up a dialogue! Not good enough! Kiss! French it up, lover boy! I'm not a machine.
I can't just turn it on! Come here.
Now pull over! First, raise my allowance.
Why you little! We're going downhill and I can't reach the brakes! Look! "Runaway Truck Lane!" We're saved! Ah, rats.
Thank God for that Turkish freighter.
Now we'll just go get them and My kids are on your boat.
Turn back! I see no kids.
And we must get these Season One Northern Exposure DVDs to Kahramanmaras.
Help us! Bring back our children, you Cyprus-splitting jerks! Just for that, we keep your children.
Will you raise them Christian? Coptic Christian.
Captain, wait! I have something here that might change your mind! What are you showing me? Soup? If you have some noodles and tuna fish, you can make a casserole that's small on price, but big on flavor.
You are a wise woman.
It is a shame you dress like a Lebanese prostitute.
Return to the docks! Well, if he thinks he's getting a corner piece, forget it.
Wow, Marge, once again, your mom-ly wisdom averted disaster.
And I promise I will return this RV first thing in the morning.
Easy easy Easy easy Water damage-- can't be returned.
I win again! It's only money.
And it did make a cool splash.
Marge, you're taking this pretty well.
Dude, she seemed tense, so we put a little hashish in her meal.
Cool.
Which came first, turkey the bird or Turkey the you guys? If you don't want to say it, just think it.
Istanbul was Constantinople Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople Been a long time gone, Constantinople.
Now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night Istanbul! I've been everywhere, man, I've been everywhere, man Cross the deserts bare, man I've breathed the mountain air, man Travel Captioned by Scarfo and Lord Damon