The Simpsons s16e14 Episode Script

The Seven-Beer Snitch

Our street performers won't bother you anymore You know, we should visit Shelbyville more often.
They have a store that just sells shoes.
I feel like I'm in Paris! The famous Shelbyville Theater District! Can we see a play? - Play?! All plays suck, all the time, and always will, and everyone knows it! - Look, we'll compromise.
We'll go see a play that Lisa doesn't want to see.
Let's see there's Equus starring Sideshow Mel, the Three Dollar Bills in Gay, Gay, Gay! Song of Shelbyville.
From the schoolhouse where our grandparents learnt To the bad zoo where all the animals burnt We're home to Christian, Muslim and Jew Although not many of the last two.
There's a girl for every guy Birthplace of the button fly In good ol' Shel-bee-ville! Say, fellow Shelbyvillian, enjoying our famous low humidity? I'll say.
The only thing lower than our humidity are the greens fees on our public golf course.
Which one? - All three! Yes.
Why look, it's Springfield Billy! What are you doing here in Shelbyville? I came here for the legalized gambling.
But Springfield Billy, we don't have legalized gambling here.
Sure you do.
I saw a bumper sticker that said "Free Tibet.
" They're saying Springfielders are stupid hicks.
It's like lookin' in a mirror.
What's a mirror? It's a big city word for reversifyin' glass.
That show was hilarious.
That Springfield Billy cracks me up.
For your information, Springfielders can be intelligent and articulate.
I happen to know because we're from Springfield.
Springfielders?! This is the worst crisis the Springfield Cultural Activities Board has ever faced.
Those Shelbyvillians are maligning us all.
I've never heard such mean-spirited hate-hoots.
We've got to upgrade Springfield's image, show them we're more than just a town that's still afraid of eclipses.
God steals sun : Mayor offers sacrifices Hey, how 'bout we open a fancy restaurant, and when people check their hats and coats, we steal 'em? Why do you come to these meetings? Free water.
There must be something else.
Think, Marge, think.
Culture vulture birds of prey pray in a church the Father, Son and Holy Ghost ghosts are scary scary rhymes with Gehry! That's it! Architect Frank Gehry! He could build us a concert hall like he did in Los Angeles.
Well, we could use a new HQ for the Springfield Philharmonic.
They're playing Gustav Mahler in abject squalor.
Little help? Next time we're keeping it.
Then it's agreed.
We ask Frank Gehry to build us a concert hall.
Bill, bill, Bilbao bill Snoopy stationery! Dear Mr.
Gehry, would you please build a concert hall for our town? We may not be the biggest city, or the prettiest, but we were the first city in America to abandon the metric system.
Frank Gehry, you're a genius! Behold the new Springfield Concert Hall.
And none of this would have happened if not for a letter I received from one little girl.
I wrote that letter.
You wrote I was "the bestest architect in the world"? Well, aren't you? All in favor of building a $30 million "screw you" to Shelbyville? Get off my masterpiece, you punks! I'll call your mothers! Yo, Frank Gehry! Like curvi-linear forms much? Hey cat, get your own pants! Kids! Why's the cat so fat? Dad, Snowball's not fat.
She's just got winter fur.
Okay, she's fat.
Can't breathe Someone dangle some string.
I'm so excited.
It's like giving birth to a child of steel and iron.
Where is everybody going? The symphony, she has just started! So? We already heard the "dum dum dum dum.
" The rest is just filler.
I thought this was gonna be the soundtrack to the movie Beethoven.
Was I sadly mistaken.
It sounds better on my cell phone.
Don't leave now! The next piece is an atonal medley by Philip Glass.
Orchestra tonight : Tickets half price! XXX movies all day An evening with David Brenner You stupid hicks! Why didn't you tell me you hated classical music? We didn't have time.
The concert hall was designed and built so quickly.
We're broke, but I have a plan.
We change the name of the town to escape our creditors.
I need names, people! Lima, Peru! Gotham City! Wiggumville! Burger King! Perhaps I can be of assistance.
Smithers, tear me a new drape hole.
If you hand over the concert hall to me, I'll assume the debt and all of your problems will disappear.
The building is yours.
Excellent! He's turned it into a prison! Prison guards wanted : must know Powerpoint, sadism Let's see now.
Barely finished high school.
You've challenged me to fight six times since the interview began Make it seven! Mr.
Simpson, I like the way you go nuts over nothing.
Now all you have to do is pass this drug test.
Cool, but I'll never pass with this.
I better switch samples.
I haven't seen so many drugs in a wang since I ran a Chinese opium den! "Crack, smack, uppers, downers, outters, inners, "horse tranquilizers, cow paralyzers, blue bombers, "green goofers, yellow submarines, "LSD Mach 3, and trace amounts of human urine?" Well, there must have been a mistake.
My body is a temple.
Guards, remove this coked-out man-balloon from my sight! But he misread my pee! He misread my pee! We're not overfeeding her.
We've been giving her this low-fat cat food! I'll bet she's sneaking food from someplace else.
Let's follow her! I'd rather follow the dog.
I think he's up to something.
One thing at a time, Bart.
There you are, Smokey! Snowball II has another family! This is worse than when we thought Mom was having an affair.
Turned out she was just going to the library to cry.
Now she just bottles up her misery like a normal mom.
Gentlemen, my prison is losing money.
We need more convicts in the dungeonarium.
That's catchy.
Uh, well, I could beef up arrests by enforcing some of these old forgotten laws.
Let's see here.
Uh, here's one from 1834.
"It's unlawful for a man to be hatless during daylight hours.
" If I didn't arrest you that night in the park, I'm not going to arrest you now.
Stupid prison guard jobs thinks it's so big.
Everyone gets a prison job but me.
All my best friends are guards.
They think they're so cruel and corrupt, but they're not.
Okay, boys, here's a loony law from 1911.
"Five kicks of the same can shall be considered illegally transporting litter.
" That's a hard five.
All units move in.
We're puttin' you away, Kicky Mantle.
And give that can the whole CSI treatment.
You know, lab tests, weird lights, shots from the can's point of view.
Yeah, that's it.
Lots of flash and no meaning.
Okay, new meat, you're clean.
I'm not supposed to be new meat.
I'm supposed to have your job.
I'm sick of you positing an alternate reality! No Frank Gehry-designed prison can hold me! Oh, my God, that man might be hurt! Guards, there's a prisoner in there! Nice nab, Simpson.
You did the right thing squealin' on that guy.
Squealin'? No.
I just wanted to help him.
Mm, whatever.
How'd you like to be a full-time rat? Really? You mean eat cheese, gnaw through electrical cords, things like that? Not exactly.
Burns, I've thought about it, and I don't want to be a snitch.
It's not an honorable life.
Now, now, there are perks.
A private cell, extra dessert, and this adorable little hat.
Well, I am a sucker for a little hat.
So, we have an agreement? Well I don't know.
But it's the only way you'll survive in here.
Well, I would like to survive long enough to see the effects of global warming.
I've got an inside tip that it's all a bunch of crap.
Okay, you've found your snitch.
Excellent! Now, what have you got for me? Homer Simpson has become a snitch.
Tell me something I don't know.
Sometimes I go to movies alone.
Say, is that a gang tattoo? I thought those weren't allowed.
Yeah, it's a gang I was in as a kid.
: Galactic Mystery Solvers.
The only mystery we couldn't solve was how not to grow up.
That's right-- an unauthorized tattoo.
I came here right away.
Very good.
Here you go! Your, mother.
Oh, that "my mother.
" Tell him thanks.
Okay, Tattoo Man.
It's a month in the hole for you.
Solitary confinement? But without my weekly canasta, I'll die.
It's-it's my raison d'd're.
Smokey, you've got that awful smell on you again.
That's the smell of her real family! The Simpsons! And for your information, our walls have a bunch of dead raccoons in them, but we are saving up the money to find them.
Well, whatever.
Smokey's our cat.
Smokey, stay! Now back.
Snowball does tricks? Sure.
C'mon, Smokey, do your Smokey shuffle.
Well, I don't care what you say.
She still loves us more.
Don't you, Snowball? You toyed with my heart like it was a toy heart.
Gentlemen, we must determine which of our fellow inmates has become the Rodentus Incarcerarium.
You heard the boss.
Find the rat.
I found the rat, and he's right here.
I ain't the rat; I'm the pigeon.
I thought you was the mole.
No, you're thinking of that guy who was the canary.
But we can all agree, we work in a business with a very rich lexicon.
Rich lexicon, very rich.
A Tiffany's box! And the thing inside is from Tiffany's! Homie, you've never done this before.
How'd you afford it? Well, if you really must know, I'm a prison snitch.
Haven't you seen what happens to people who rat in prison movies? Sure, they're on top of the world.
Then there's a big riot scene.
Then I don't know.
I usually doze off.
The prison snitch is killed! And that could be you.
Because you're the prison snitch! What are you dopes looking at? You've never seen bling-bling before? What is it they have that keeps Snowball coming back to their house? Only one way to find out.
My baby turtle crawled into your basement window.
Oh, you poor boy.
What's your turtle's name? Apron Boobs-face? Really? Well, let's go find it.
And what's your name? Shoes Butt-back? There's a jailbreak tonight.
How come nobody told me before? I sent you an e-vite.
You never responded.
Nice netiquette, jerk.
There's gonna be a breakout tonight.
Very good.
Now, I'd like a little more information.
Are biographies arranged by author or subject? What is Bart still doing in there? You forgot to take some brownies.
Thanks, Mother Dexter! I'll be back tomorrow.
Bart, why were you in there so long? Lis, that place is great! They have a jukebox in the basement.
And look at the trick they taught me! Are you watching? Are you watching? When they come busting out, we'll be ready.
Every single guard is outside waiting for them.
Something don't feel right.
Usually when there's a jailbreak, there's electricity in the air, like the calm before a summer storm.
Or, right before a heavyweight fight.
Mine's more poetic.
Now, where the hell are they? Kill the rat! Kill the rat! Kill the rat! What happened to the guards?! Okay, okay.
Don't panic.
Maybe they'll tire themselves out with their chant.
I call the balls of his feet! Marge, they're gonna kill me! I only did what I had to do to survive in a style befitting a French monarch.
Fly, Segway, fly! We've all heard of a laugh riot, but a prison riot? Kent Brockman high above Montgomery Burns State Penitentiary, where our expensive Thermocam 3000 is finally being used for something.
This red glow is the heat from a pack of inmates who are desperately looking for prison snitch, Homer Simpson-- this massive blob over here-- who is attempting to hide in the kitchen a Good luck, blobby.
Kill the rat! Then have snack! Homer.
Homer, where are you? Marge! How did you get in here? As president of the cultural board, I was given a key to the concert hall.
There's the filthy rat we're gonna kill.
And his wife, who sometimes drives my son home from school.
Oh, you must be Michael's dad! Marge, c'mon! We'll be safe in the gas chamber.
I want you to look into the faces of those poor men.
Each one is a life you made worse with your ratting.
Marge, I'm sorry I got you into this mess.
Can I snitch on my heart and say I love you? Oh, Homie Tear gas, my one weakness.
You can come in, governor.
Well, I'll make these rioters regret their folly.
This prison will make Abu Ghraib look like the Four Seasons.
Smithers, we'll need electrical wire, a hood and someone who can really point at genitalia.
Done and done, sir.
Hold on a minute.
Governor, I've been using my powers of snitching for evil, but now I want to tattle for good.
This prison is a hellhole.
They feed us horse meat, with traces of jockey meat! I'll have you know I buy the finest cuts of beef.
The guards are sadistic and cruel.
I can't help the way I am.
When I was a boy, I saw my father murdered before my eyes.
By me.
Governor, I think the only fair solution is to pardon all these thugs and murderers.
Well, since there's no room in the prisons you came from, I'm releasing you all to a garbage barge, where you will bare-knuckle-box till one of you emerges as king of your floating hell.
You know what I missed in the joint? Just lying here watching you sleeping sweetly.
Sleeping sweetly.
Sleeping sweetly I won't tell if you don't tell.
Listen to me! This whole building is unsafe.
They cut corners everywhere.
People! It's a deathtrap.
No, Dad, you fell asleep in front of the TV, watching The Towering Inferno.
How do you know the title of my prophetic vision? Captioned by Scarfo and Lord Damon
Previous EpisodeNext Episode