The Simpsons s17e08 Episode Script

The Italian Bob

Children, we have a special treat today.
Willie? Welcome to diversity tales.
Enjoy your multicultural hooey.
It was the feast of the sea lion who would not share.
Come, brother titi, let us collect cha-cha sticks.
I will make a headdress for the wedding of earth turtle and moon mongoose.
You don't need a headdress.
Your most beautiful costume is your self-esteem.
Pause here to discuss tolerance.
What is this crap? This is worse than "wheelchair-nocchio.
" Yeah, well, if you don't like the movie, feel free to stare out the window.
Hey, cryptkeeper, I like your Dodge scare-a-van.
How dare you mock my mobile-a-mobile? It was the first car to outrun a man.
A caveman.
I thought of that 'cause I slept in a cave last night.
Of all the I will not be lampooned by schoolchildren.
Kill them, Smithers.
You could just buy a new car, sir.
Well whatever's easier.
A new car? May I suggest an Oldsmobile? Mr.
Burns sucks! I won't forget who mocked me.
I'm taking your picture.
Now, hold perfectly still for 78 minutes.
Charge! I mean, yes, sir? I just bought a new car.
A nice foreign number.
The Lamborgotti Fasterossa.
A Lamborgotti Fasterossa? That's the car I think about when I make love to my wife.
Yes.
I need you to pick up my car at the factory in Italy, and ship it directly back to me.
I'll save thousands in taxes.
You're sending me to italy? Yes.
Can I take my family? Sure.
Do I have to hang out with them? It would be nice.
That guy in first class is taking a tv out of his armrest.
What's in you? A bunch of stupid cables.
Hey, Brandine ? The kids just got a new playhouse! Cletus, you are the most wonderful husband and son I ever had.
What's with the Canadian flag on your backpack? Well, some people in Europe have the impression that America has made some stupid choices in the past, oh, five years.
So, for the next week, I'm from Canada.
I think dad may blow your cover.
That flag is mine! Don't mess with Texas! Shock and awe, losers! Shock and awe! Your car, she's a-coming off the assembly line.
This car is the ultimate marriage of design and technology.
Mariage.
Now we have to drive it straight to Rome, where it'll be shipped to Mr.
Burns in Springfield.
Gee, I wish we could explore a little more of Italy.
Marge, are you encouraging me to be irresponsible? Why don't you encourage him to get us some health insurance? Why you little So, first time in Italy? Wow, I've seen photos of this, but you can't really experience it until you're here: A Mcdonald's where you can get booze! But, dad, don't you want to turn around and see the tower? There's a picture of it on my cup.
When mount Vesuvius erupted, people were overcome by volcanic ash so fast that they were frozen in whatever position they were in at the moment of their death.
Savages.
We've passed the Pontevecchio bridge three times.
I think we're lost.
Let me check the navigation system.
It says here we should turn left at a fat chick in a tutu being fed by a midget.
That's a dvd of a Fellini movie.
I get it.
The midget represents dwarves.
Dad, cheese truck! Mozzarella! Parmigiano! Provolone! Pecorino! Gorgonzola! Fontina! Taleggio! Bocconcini! Mortadella! Don't worry.
We got the cheese insurance.
It doesn't cover mortadella.
No! Stupid Italy.
Wish you'd never been unified by Victor Emmanuel II.
If only you'd stayed a loose confederation of city-states, trading with each other and occasionally warring.
Maybe there's a mechanic in this Tuscan village.
Do you know anything about fixing sports cars? Scusi? It's a Lamborgotti Fasterosa XT 550 with ABS sport tech package.
Americano? Americano? What the hell could that mean? Why can't you people learn to speak my language? I learned to eat your food.
Il mayore capice inglese.
She says the mayor speaks english.
I honor you and your country.
kentucky?! In italia, this a-means "whore"! Excuse me? Mister mayor? They say you speak english? Indeed I do.
Sideshow Bob! The simpsons! Sideshow Bob of all the regioni and all the villaggi in all of Italia, you had to be il mayore of this one! I assure you, I'm as sorry to see you as you are to see me.
How'd you wind up here? Yes, tell us your story.
But it better have a beginning, a middle and an end.
And you'd better make us root for the protagonist.
My tale begins after I had once again attempted to murder Bart.
Okay, so far I'm rooting for you.
I needed a fresh start.
But where? Not in this lifetime! Damn it! Never! Now cut that out.
Tuscany.
Fortune is finally smiling upon me.
I left my past behind and moved to the small village of Salsiccia.
Acceptance came slowly.
It's pronounced "buon giorno.
" Your mouth is getting lazy on the second syllable.
Here, let me guide you.
But that all changed when the grape harvest began.
These feet are made for stomping and that's just what they'll do one of these days these feet will make chianti out of you ready, feet? Start stomping.
It was the biggest harvest ever.
Never had I felt such acceptance.
The next spring, the Contadini elected me their mayor.
But I won more than the love of a town.
Roberto Amore.
This is my bride Francesca and my son Gino.
Holy moley! I always thought you were, you know, out loud and proud.
Well, I experimented in college, as one does.
I never went to college.
Stop the presses.
Hello, I'm Marge.
This is my husband Homer, my daughters Lisa and Maggie, and my son Bart Simpson.
Bart simpson? The name Roberto cries when he has the bad dream.
Bart Simpson! Bart Simpson! Bart Simpson! I make like my daddy! Bart and I used to go fly-fishing together.
Die, Bart! Die, Bart! You shall all stay for dinner and tell me more about my wonderful Roberto.
He makes love like a man who just got out of jail.
You crave my skillful touch.
Now go, take the boy, and shut the door.
I'll rock your world anon.
Simpsons, I beg of you.
Please don't destroy the new life I've created here.
Surely, even the most heinous criminal deserves a seventh chance.
Bob, you haven't told your wife about all the terrible things you've done? Yeah, I tell Marge everything.
Not necessarily in words, but in body language.
You know, sneaking around and such.
Bob, your family will find out the truth.
Sooner or later, you'll try to kill me again.
Watch, I'll prove it.
Come on, Bob, slice, dice and serve on rice.
You little scamp.
You know, you'll make some murderer very happy one day, but it shan't be me.
Bart, bob is a family man now.
You can't be a bad person if you have a family.
And literature is filled with tales of redemption from Jean Valjean to the voice of Buzz Lightyear, Tim Allen.
All right, bob, we won't tell your beautiful new family that you're a homicidal psychopath if you fix up our car.
Grazie.
Now I can't undo the past, but I can try to make it up to you.
My humble little town is at your service.
Loro sono miei amici, le Simpsons! Dad, don't act like Mussolini.
I thought I was doing Donald Trump.
Here's a cute fact.
This sausage shop has been grinding the same family of pigs for 600 years.
Prego? Si, si.
And he kisses you with that mouth.
I love you, Marge.
He is so wonderful.
They must miss him in America.
Well eat justice, Sideshow Bob! Chief, I tried to warn you.
Sideshow bob hasn't lived here for months.
Oh, god, am I sorry.
Is that a penn state banner? 'Cause my cousin went there.
Did you know him? Mark Wiggum, fat kid, played a lot of tetris.
Mi amici, we are here to honor my old friends, the Simpsons.
Tomorrow, they return to America, taking with them my gratitude, my friendship and my heartfelt wish that they never return.
And now mangiata! No wine for her.
She's only eight.
Marge, don't be so olive garden.
Yeah, this is Italy.
Look, the town drunk is two years old.
Hey, mambo mambo italiano Bob, your generosity and abbondanza have touched our hearts.
Bra-bravo! Bravissimo! Whoopsie.
I'll just get it out with more wine.
See? It's fine.
Go on, go on with the thing.
It's obvious why Bob is a vaunted pillar of your community.
Yeah, but he's a wanted killer in our community.
He deserves to be hailed at this wingding.
More like jailed at sing sing.
Time for bed, now.
Drunken children tell the ugliest lies.
Sideshow Bob! Sideshow Bob? Il fuggitivo? Roberto.
Is this true? You try to make the murder? But darling, the boy drove me to murder by exonerating a harlequin who I framed for robbery at the Kwik-E-Mart.
It all sounds so stupid.
You have brought shame upon our humble, mafia-controlled village.
You are welcome in Salsiccia no more.
He's getting that stabby look.
Simpson family, I hereby swear a vendetta.
Vendetta means vendetta! Boy, that Sideshow Bob goes from zeroto murder awfully fast.
At least this time it was Lisa who ruined Bob's life.
I feel so sick.
It's called a hangover, sweetie.
And it's an unavoidable part of life.
Simpson? Simpson! Where is my roadster? You were due back a month ago.
Mr.
Burns, we may be experiencing some technical difficulties.
Sideshow Bob! Dad, you're driving on an ancient roman aqueduct.
What am i supposed to use it for transporting water to distant urban centers?! Lazy romans.
Everyone, remember where we parked.
Why do I keep trying to kill them? Roberto! Francesca, you've come to me.
Well, you caught me at the right time because I swear never to raise this hand in vengeance again.
No Roberto.
If the simpsons have dishonored you, they have dishonored our family, and we shall take revenge as a family.
Vendetta! Vendetta! Vendetta for mi papa! Revenge is a dish best served family-style.
We're in a foreign city with no car, being stalked by a killer.
I feel like I'm the Bourne Identity.
Krusty's in an opera here in Rome.
He can save our lives.
Come on.
Let's go.
Opéra? They have that here, too? Let's see I ain't doin' that.
That's not funny.
Here we'll change "wealthy merchant" to "nudist with big rack.
" This needs punching up.
That's comin' out.
Two acts?! Krusty, you gotta help us.
I don't do gotta.
Sideshow bob has sworn a vendetta against us.
Vendetta? What's that, an italian vending machine? That's my opening joke.
And my closer.
And my saver.
And my topper.
Please help us, Krusty.
We don't want to be the first christians to die at the colosseum.
I'll tell ya what.
Put on these costumes, go on the stage and mix in with the crowd scenes.
He won't kill ya in front of all those witnesses.
Can I be the Phantom of the Opera? Dad, the phantom isn't in this.
But I do a great impression of him.
I am the gayest super villain ever.
Beware my scented candles.
Scented.
No more Rice Krispies we are out of Rice Krispies Don't blame me.
I didn't write this crap.
I can't believe what that clown is doing to leoncavallo.
And they call me a murderer.
Vendetta.
Vendetta! Vendetta! I don't wish to brag, but he's evil at an eighth grade level.
Vendetta! Vendetta! Let's see, what else we got here? So, I had this beautiful tour guide, right? And I tell her, I want to see her Naples.
She slapped me.
we call it Napoli.
Yeah, well, it sounds like you're all taking a Napoli.
I know you're out there.
I can hear you being greasy.
Ridi, pagliaccio sul tuo amore infranto It's so beautiful.
That's Sideshow Bob! I know, and he's magic.
This is no act.
They're actually trying to kill us! Ridi del duol che t'avvelena il cor! La commedia è finita.
Quick, get in! Krusty, you saved us! Well, I need someone to help me smuggle antiquities to America.
Everyone, break off a piece and hide it on your person.
Hide it well.
Vendetta! Vendetta! Vendetta! Farfalla.
Farfalla vendetta! Farfalla vendetta! Farfalla vendetta! Homie, isn't Venice romantic? This gondola ride was a wonderful idea.
When a wife looks like that and her husband's so fat that's immoral when she kisses that jerk while I do all the work that's imm Knock it off.
Excusi.
No speaka english.
When a big tub of lard