The Simpsons s17e07 Episode Script

The Last of the Red Hat Mamas

1 (SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) QUIMBY: Welcome to the Mayor's Easter Egg Hunt.
And now my rarely-seen wife would like to say a few words.
Thank you, Joe.
In just a few moments, the hunt will be opened by our own rascally referee, Hugs Bunny.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sorry, kid.
(GRUNTS) Legally, I'm not allowed to hug you.
Now begin the hunt! Joe! You said your wife was dead! And you said you graduated from typing school.
I have trouble with the space bar.
(CHILDREN CHEERING) Nelson, those don't count as Easter eggs.
Yeah.
But they count as breakfast.
(BIRDS SQUAWKING) Ahhh! It was worth it! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Ralph, there's a hole in your basket.
You're Lisa's brother.
(YELPS) Hey! Nobody pushes around my precious bundle of joy! Oops.
Wrong one.
I'll take that! Too slow, Droolie Joe! Peek-a-boo, I steal from you! (Comma) (BLOWS WHISTLE) Sir, you want to set the baby down? Don't worry.
I just wanna talk.
(GRUNTS) Silly rabbit, kicks are for ribs! (BOTH GRUNTING) (growls) This house has such beautiful wainscoting.
(CHUCKLES) Well, Marge, I didn't know you were into wainscoting.
I read an article about it at the tire store.
Did you know it's not named after someone named Wayne Scott? WOMEN; Oh! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (SCREAMING) You are now in the mayor's office.
This is the switch the mayor uses to call his chief of staff.
(SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHS) That concludes our tour.
(ALL GROANING) But I'd love it if you'd all join me for tea in the parlor.
Tea? In the parlor? You're like all Easter Bunnies! Can't take a punch to the crotch! Maybe next time you'll think twice before you "volunteer to help children!" Oh, hey, Marge.
(CHUCKLES) This is my husband, Homer.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Ladies.
Marge, is there a small rip in my pants? (ALL GASPING) Homer, please.
We're about to have tea.
No tea.
Security! (SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) Oh! Everyone, just go! Way to blow our tea, Marge.
That's the last refrigerator magnet calendar you get from me! We throw those out anyway.
You lie! Stop lying! Hey, goad-lookin'.
Want to snuggle with Tyrannosaurus Sex? (GROWLS) No, I don't! I'm still upset about what happened today.
I don't have many friends.
And when I finally start to make some, you ruin it.
Oh, come on, honey.
You have lots of friends.
There's, uh, Lisa, and the stove.
Hmph! Oh, that poor woman.
I'm gonna find her a friend.
Someone cute, athletic, with a nice laugh.
(CLICKING) (GASPS) My husband and my best friend? (SQUEALS) (GROANS) It's a risk I'll have to take.
What'cha looking for, Lisa? Summer opportunities.
We're going to twin camp.
(GASPS) Oh, my God! "Spend a summer in Rome!" Rome? Founded by twins by the way.
Hey! Where'd she go? Oh, well.
Let's talk in our secret twin language.
(BOTH SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Okay, Lisa.
To study in Rome, an applicant needs outstanding grades Check.
Uh-oh.
Lisa, it says you have to speak fluent Italian.
Uh, check.
You speak Italian? Of course I do.
Why would I say it if I didn't? (CHUCKLES) Flawless logic.
But I am gonna have to ask you to speak a few phrases to verify your fluency.
(GASPS) Though not now because I have a series of important meetings.
(SIGHS WITH RELIEF) How's tomorrow for you? (WHIMPERS) Because it's terrible for me.
But I'll get back to you, soon.
(WHIMPERS) Son, I need to find a new friend for your mother.
So you're gonna have to finish the shopping yourself.
We're on Food Stamps? I wish.
I made these at work.
(HOMER CHUCKLES) Hmm.
I bet she'd be a good friend for Marge.
She looks defeated, too.
Psst! Psst! (SHOPPING CART SQUEAKING) Why does every woman I try to talk to run into cans? (MAN ON RECORDING SPEAKING ITALIAN) MAN ON RECORDING: I want to rent a small boat.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) I plan to dump this body in the ocean.
Huh? (GASPS) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) This is what you get for asking questions! (GUNSHOTS) (SHIVERS) Oh! Arrivederci, ignorance! Marge, I did it.
I found a woman to be your new friend.
She's waiting in the living room! (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (CAT YOWLS) Hmph.
I'm going out for some air! I bet you can't throw a cat over the house.
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (CAT YOWLS) Huh, I was wrong.
MAN: (SINGING) Everybody hurts Sometimes (SIGHS) I guess I'm not meant to have friends.
(WIND WHOOSHING) WOMAN: Stop that hat! (LAUGHS) Whoo! How about this wind, huh? I don't know how you keep your hair so perfect! Johnson's Water Seal.
(CLANKS) (LAUGHING) My name's Tammy.
And these are my friends, the Cheery Red Tomatoes.
(GASPS) The nationwide social organization for women of a certain age? Yeah.
But we don't sit around watching television and eating bonbons.
Well, except on W-bonbon night, which is every Tuesday and Thursday.
What are you doing today? We're gonna have margaritas and poke gentle fun at our husbands.
Would you like to join us? Would I? Now let's see.
Homer cut up my wedding dress to make a badminton net, which he never uses.
He spent my last three birthdays in jail.
Called out his bowling hall's name during sex! Whoa, whoa, whoa, honey! Save it for Johnny Fiestas! ANNOUNCER ON TV: And now, we return to the Vic Tayback Motel and Casino in downtown Las Vegas for Has-Been Celebrity Poker.
As always, all our celebrities are playing for charity.
What! I am so out of here! Wow, Mom! Great red dress! For your information, I am now a junior member of the Cheery Red Tomatoes.
Marge? In a gang? (LAUGHS) What are you gonna do? Shoot me with a frosting gun? Seriously, I would love that.
(ALL LAUGHING) Oh, you guys make everything fun! (GASPS) That's my Italian tutor.
Oh, hey, Milhouse, I think Bart's upstairs.
I'm not here for Bart.
I'm here to teach you Italian.
Oh, sure.
I get it.
Bart told you I was taking lessons so you thought you'd come over and (SPEAKING ITALIAN) That means, "Please stop and listen.
" I'm the tutor the company sent over.
I'm here to teach you la lingua di arte e la musica.
You really speak Italian? Si.
My grandmother, Nana Sofie, lives in Tuscany.
Since I was a baby, I've spent two weeks there every summer.
Nana hated English because in World War II a G.
I.
left her with Child.
My Uncle Bastardo.
Nana only spoke Italian to me.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN) I love you, Nana.
Whoa! (SPEAKING ITALIAN) MILHOUSE: Every time I spoke English, she hit me.
Ow, that hurt! (SPEAKING ITALIAN) I'm sorry I'm so stupid.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN) (GROANING) That's howl learned Italian and started wetting my bed.
Anyway, what do you say? Can I be your insegnante? Okay.
If that means "teacher.
" It means "masculine teacher.
" Bye, ladies.
You can text message me anytime.
We already did! (GASPS) MARGE: Ooh! Oh, how cute.
(SNORING) He tried to stay up, but he just couldn't make it.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Buongiorno, Millhouse.
Ah, perfetto.
(GIGGLES) Thank you.
I've been studying.
I even made flash cards.
(GRUNTS) (GASPS) My efforts! Oh, Lisa.
You don't learn Italian, you live Italian! Come, we ride to Little Italy.
But first, Hake care of some classroom business.
Lisa Simpson? Present.
Let's go.
(ALL SPEAKING ITALIAN) (SPEAKING ITALIAN) One gelato for, oh, the pretty girl.
(CHUCKLES) Ah, Mr.
Milhouse, thank goodness! Could you translate and help me buy cheese for my lasagna? But Luigi, surely you speak Italian? (SIGHS) No, l don’t.
I only speak, how you say, fractured English.
That's what my parents spoke at home.
I had a wonderful time today.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN) (GIGGLES) I'm the luckiest boy in the world! Don't be in love, stupid! (GROANS) Tammy, I'd never have the courage to skydive if it weren't for you girls.
Thanks, Marge.
And you know, when we land, we've got a little surprise for ya.
Ooh.
Well, now I really hope my chute opens.
(WIND HOWLING) Goodbye, cruel world! Ladies.
Marge Simpson, we hereby induct you as a full member of the Cheery Red Tomatoes.
(APPLAUSE) I feel a happiness I've never felt.
I not only have friends, I have a hat to prove it.
Now Marge, as a full member, you get to share in all our secrets.
Like our recipe for mock apple pie.
The secret is it's got apples in it.
And now we can tell you the secret plans for our fundraiser.
This year, we're gonna steal one million dollars from Mr.
Burns.
(GASPS) You're joking! You've gotta be joking! You're not joking.
Oh, any other surprises? I'm not a natural redhead.
(GROANS) I'm sorry.
I can't steal.
Not even from Mr.
Burns.
Mr.
Burns promised a million dollars to the Springfield Children's Hospital.
And then Instead of donating this money, I'm going to use it to extend my own life another 10 minutes.
Smithers? And the register? (CROWD BOOING) Release the hounds! (DOGS BARKING) (CROWD SCREAMING) Why would you bring attack dogs to a charity event? I was taking them to the groomers.
(CHUCKLES) (nos PANTING) Who's a stinky dog? You are.
Michelle's going to work on you today.
Yes, she is.
There are 12 Faberge eggs in his vault, each worth a small fortune.
We can get them, but we need your special skills.
When l joined, I never thought we'd be robbing people.
You said you wanted friends! And the one thing about friends is that they stick together! Especially when they're trying to pull off a million-dollar heist.
Maybe we were a little too quick to give you that hat.
Take back the hail She deserves bare hair! ALL: Bare hair! Bare hair! Okay, okay, okay, I'm in! You ladies doing okay down there? Sorry to wake you, Stanley.
Don't let us down, newbie.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: Welcome back to Fox Sports West II Classic Fox Sports Fox.
Hey, Marge, where are you going? Oh, heh Well, I'm (STAMMERS) Bird watching.
Wait a minute.
If she's going bird watching, why did she leave our Peterson's Field Guide to Birds on the kitchen counter? (GASPS) Roadrunners are real! (SINGING) Milhouse is teaching me to speak so prettily I'll quip so wittily when I'm in Italy (SIGHS) (GASPS) Milhouse, just what is going on? Run along, Angelique.
But not too fast, huh? (GROWLS) Lisa, Lisa, she is the appetizer, but you are the main course! (SPEAKING ITALIAN) Lisa! You're speaking perfect Italian! (SPEAKING ITALIAN) (LISA SHOUTING IN ITALIAN) (MILHOUSE GROANING) Now let's see what Marge is up to.
(HOMER READING) (GASPS) (READING) That's Mr.
Burns' mansion! Remind me, Smithers, while we're out, I need to get my eyes re-balled and my brain flushed outwith vinegar.
Yes, sir.
Oh, and your knees will be back from the shop tomorrow.
Excellent.
Okay, Marge.
You're the only one of us skinny enough to squeeze through this vent.
That's my special skill? Well, what'd you think? You're a master of disguise? Not with that 'do.
I thought you liked my hair.
It's all right.
I've gotta stop Marge from doing something reckless and irresponsible! (PEOPLE SCREAMING) Lou, we better go after him.
Eddie, you direct traffic.
You're the graceful one.
You got it, Chief.
CLANCY: Look at him tease that Subaru.
And that guy can't find a girlfriend.
I'll never figure it out.
I got the combination from Burns after I let him feel me up during the Depression.
Zero to the right, zero to the left, (DIAL CLICKING) back to zero.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING) Marge, l wanted to save you from the cops.
But the cops followed me! Game over, man! Game over! So are you gonna introduce me to your friends? Don't worry, Mr.
Burns.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
Excuse me, Lou.
I'm supposed to say that.
Acting like the chief doesn't make you the chief.
If I was acting like the chief, I'd need size 58 pants.
Oh, here we go with the fat jokes.
You know, I just wish you could hit the easy targets on the firing range so well.
Oh, Lou, why do we hurt each other so? Because sometimes it's easier to be cruel than to say what you really feel.
Permission to hug, Chief? Permission (SOBS) granted.
Granted, Lou! Thank you, Chief! Oh, enough! While you morons are canoodling, someone's burgling my miscellanea.
(GUNSHOT) Try to take my eggs, will you? Well, this rooster has a beak.
A beak which calls out death-a-doodle-doo.
Why, you're all women.
I'm not.
I suppose.
But you're certainly buxom and flirty.
Oh, well, l try to have a good time.
All I wanted to do was join a group of women who wore the same outfits! (CRYING) (ALL CRYING) (SIGHS) Oh, no jury on earth would convict a bunch of moist-eyed mothers.
I'll tell you what, ladies.
Give me my eggs back and I'll let you go.
(SOBS) And tell me I'm not fat! (SCOFFS) Well, I guess our fundraiser was a failure.
Don't be so sure.
Ah, Marge, I love you.
But to be safe, sweetie, I don't think we can ever see each other again.
I'll really miss you guys.
I'll never forget the three activities we did together.
(SNIFFLES) Listen, Marge.
No matter where you go in this life, you'll always have one friend who loves you, body and soul.
And Marge, there are certain things I can do for you that no other friend can.
Special things.
(CHUCKLES) Wow, this is special.
(THUDS) I can't believe this happened to me twice!