The Simpsons s17e10 Episode Script

Homer's Paternity Coot

Oh, my god! Everything we own is in that house! How often have you driven by a fire and thought, "how can this benefit me?" Well, think no more, and drive on down to the smoke damage outlet store.
Where there's smoke, there's bargains! We've got fire-damaged furniture, smoke-damaged smoke detectors, action figure puddle, something we think was an air conditioner, and boxes and boxes of you figure it out.
Come in today, and meet smokin' Joe Frazier.
I'm only here because my name had "smoke" in it.
Come on, that has nothing to do with it, smokin' Joe.
I could send people to your house, bad people.
Come on, we're going to that store, before the next commercial makes me do something else.
Buy the suit off my back, only $9.
95.
Stop, drop and save! I've never noticed that sign before.
And I'm a very good noticer.
They must have just made this a toll road.
They can't charge me for something I use every day.
What's next, a spatula tax? Well, what choice do you have? Voila! Which is french for "ta-da!" Boy, you sure showed them.
Hey, if she's not paying, I'm not paying.
And if you're not paying, I'm not paying.
Of course you're not-- We're in the same car.
I just wanted us to start talking again.
No one is using the tollbooth! Damn it, we need those 75 cents-es to de-python the town fountain.
Get those cheapskates through that toll by any means necessary! Got it.
No survivors.
No shooting.
But it's already cocked.
All right, shoot it in the fireplace.
what the hello kitty? Tire spikes? They blocked my shortcut.
I'm trapped like the l in a blt.
We've gone over the spikes, Tim! We're gonna have to come up with 75 cents! Don't worry, this one's on Jesus.
Be cool for once.
Do it, Marge.
Today, 75 cents, in five years, 80! Assuming voter approval.
My tires have been severely damaged! The prophecy has been fulfilled.
Seymour! Get out and change the tires! I don't have four spares, mother.
You don't have four anything.
I fell into a burning ring of fire I went down, down, down, and the flames went higher and it burns, burns, burns the ring of fire, the ring of fire Kent Brockman here atop mount Springfield, where the melting ice cap has revealed a discovery so gruesome, we'll give you a moment to get the children out of the room.
That's long enough.
Here it is.
A frozen mailman somehow buried in ice several decades ago.
For further analysis, here's the one scientist who's always home when we call, professor John Frink.
Based on the ice core samples and the size of the mailman's bell-bottoms-- just measure that there-- we have determined he was frozen sometime in the 1960s.
Swinging for all, except for me.
I was making napalm to drop on da nang! The post office has promised to deliver every letter in this 40-year-old mailbag.
So get ready, Mr.
Largo.
you were accepted to juilliard.
I got in to julliard?! I could have been second chair with the Cincinnati Pops! I'm C-3 D-2.
Shut up, shut up, shut up! Here you go, pal-y.
What's this, a letter from 1966? This says I ain't allergic to pollen.
So I could have gone to the park and played with other kids! I got to make up for lost time! Sitting in a rocking chair, eating baby crackers Ticktock, ticktock, Ticktock banana a-b-c-d-e-f-g wash those june bugs off of me.
Yeah, I got a 40-year-old letter here for Mrs.
Abraham Simpson.
My grandma? I haven't seen her in years.
She ran away.
Ran away from all this? What a fool.
Hey, grandpa, we got a letter for grandma.
Open it up.
This may be my last chance to invade her privacy.
My dearest Mona.
You've just left my arms to return to your husband, Abe, and already, I ache for you.
" Mona cheated on me? I don't know how she found the time with her late night pottery classes and supermarket trips that took all weekend.
Lisa, I'm not sure that letter is age-appropriate reading.
Why can't the government edit our mail like other countries? I know I'm just a lifeguard, but I want you to run away with me.
If you don't reply to this letter, I'll know that you've chosen to stay with Abe, "but I know in my heart that the baby you're carrying is mine.
" "love always, M.
" That's ridiculous.
That was my baby in her belly.
Look how happy we were.
What the?! Homer, that means your dad might not be your dad.
I don't care what that letter said.
This man raised me single-handedly.
When I think of all the things he's done for me, the many times he lifeguard? You might bemy real father.
And his name starts with "M.
" Moleman? Mr.
Burns? M.
Night shyamalan? That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films.
Of course I'm your father.
Here, mush up your face, and you look just like me.
See? Yeah, but that also works for the dog's butt.
Hello, handsome.
Well, this whole fatherhood issue could be resolved with a simple dna test.
Nertz to that.
Homer, I fed you and clothed you till you were 13.
If that's not a father, I don't know what is.
I'll be waiting for your apology on the old man bench at the mall.
I sit by the trash so people have to come up to me.
Finished your soda? Ooh, your hair's looking sharp from the back.
Homie, what's wrong? Did those pork chops give you a tummy ache? The only tummy ache is in my head.
I can't stop wondering who my real father might be.
If you're lost, you can look and you will find me time after time if you fall, I will catch you I'll be waiting time after time if you're lost, you can look and you will find me time after time There's only one lifeguard whose name begins with M Mason Fairbanks.
His hobbies are philandering, writing letters, and making up for lost time.
Okay, until you're sure this guy's cool, stick to your cover story.
That sounds hard.
Just do it.
Can I help you? I'm a reporter with the local paper.
I'm doing a story on people who wear sweaters.
Do you mind if I ask you some questions? I'd be delighted, but I must warn you, I don't wear a sweater every day.
Interesting.
Interesting.
So, I infer from all the knickknacks, you're some sort of fruitcake.
No.
Actually, I salvage valuables from sunken ships.
Some call me a treasure hunter.
Oh, that is so cool.
Ooh, a dish of shrunken heads! Those are raisins.
So, you don't have any shrunken heads.
Well, my hat size is a number six.
That is small, right? It's smaller than average.
And this is the lady in my life.
You know it's a boat, right? Indeed I do.
I loved a real woman a long time ago, but, it didn't work out.
well, uh, I'm sure my listeners would love to know the story behind that name.
Listeners? I thought you worked for a newspaper.
No.
I said I worked for a radio station.
but number one with our viewers.
Viewers? Wouldn't that be for a tv station? Well, I I think you're my pappy! Wha?! I found this letter you wrote to my mom, Mona Simpson.
Dear god, I always dreamed this day would come.
And now that it's here, there are so many feelings, I-I Possible daddy! I'm sorry.
I got a little carried away there.
Perfectly all right.
Here's your gum back.
Springfield public access television presents the bully corner with Jimbo, Dolph, and Kearney.
Good evening, dumb-asses.
Tonight our guest is oscar nominee william H.
Macy.
Welcome.
Thanks for having me on, guys.
You know, these public access shows remind me of independent film.
Special people, not special effects.
Big hearts, not big budgets.
Very well put.
Now, get him.
So tell us, what's next for william H.
Macy? Besides bleeding.
You know Neve Campbell? Marge, I found my real father! His name is Mason Fairbanks, he has a knife just for cheese, and he talks like this.
Homer, please do that in the loo.
Oh, Homie, you just met this british man.
It's too soon to get so emotionally invested.
Honey, you've given me a lot to think about tomorrow when we're on daddy's boat! Mr.
Fairbanks, looking at your boat, I got to say, grandma bet on the wrong horse.
Now, bart, over the years, I've come to learn that the most valuable treasure is right here.
On this map.
These waters are home to a treasure lost hundreds of years ago-- the famed emeralds of Piso Mojado.
You know, if I was born three months later, emerald would be my birthstone.
Yes.
Fate has a strange sense of humor.
The emeralds were nestled in the bosom of a spanish galleon returning home from the caribbean.
we must pray to Santa Maria to save us.
Santa Maria de Guadalupe, Mistica Rosa, intercede por la iglesia.
One of you was not praying.
It was me.
I was thinking of a joke I heard.
Why you little and now that treasure is somewhere down there.
Wow, that story had everything: Action, treasure, water, a guy.
Would you like to come to our house for dinner? I'd be delighted.
I've dined with the prince of wales, and with killer whales, but only the latter knew how to chew without humming.
Listen, uh, old-timer, I-I'd like you to meet Mason Fairbanks.
You! First you stole my wife, and now you're trying to steal my family.
Perhaps I couldn't have stolen anyone, had you give them what they needed.
I was busy telling young people to get a haircut.
Mason, come see my room.
Homer, look what this is doing to grampa.
We have to settle this question once and for all with a paternity test.
I'll take any test you want.
Eye test, pap test, memory test, memory test, vinnie testaverde, Ferrari Testarossa Grampa, stop.
Never! President's physical fitness test, sealtest ice cream, testor's airplane glue Now, Homer, I'll compare your sample to the ones from grampa and Mr.
Fairbanks.
Then, bingo who's your daddy! Will become abundantly clear.
I've prepared a t-shirt for you that covers either eventuality.
I have the results.
Oh, god.
Whatever happens, Abe, I hope we can be civil.
Ah, poop in your fist.
At least I can make both.
Homer's biological father is Mason Fairbanks.
Who's Mason Fairbanks? This guy.
See, Abe, we're still visiting you, even though we have no biological obligation.
You've said that three times already.
Well, then you think of something.
I guess Homer couldn't make it, No, but he told us to say hi.
Hi.
So, what setting is that fan on? Medium.
I would've guessed low.
You would've guessed wrong.
Today I'm filled with joy: Searching for treasure with my long-lost son.
My dream for each of you is that you find the happiness I feel today.
a real wetsuit instead of one that is just painted on.
Missed a spot.
There we go.
These waters contain some of mother nature's most stunning creatures.
That's what you get for being luminous, jerks.
Homer, look.
The treasure of Piso Mojado.
Hey, guys, we found the treasure.
When I get to shore, I'm bringing it right to the bar.
See ya soon, Homer.
We got somebody else coming in.
This is w-a-3-q-I-zed.
Do you read me? Seymour! Isn't it about time you made a real friend? Mother, please.
I'm communicating with my fellow hams.
How do it talk? Push this button here? You're all losers! Which way did Mason go? That must be him over there.
What do I do? What do I do? Daddy.
Daddy.
Daddy.
Daddy.
Grab daddy's keys.
Grab daddy's keys.
I love that little guy.
what the heck? I drew this picture of you.
It's beautiful.
Homer, on your wedding day, I want you to have this.
It may not be much, but it's all I've got.
That is so sweet.
I gave you everything and it still wasn't enough.
Dad Dad, you've been in a coma for three days.
They had to feed you through a tub.
Homie, I always believed you were going to make it no matter what that pushy casket salesman said.
Well, Homer, now that you're alive again, I'll leave you with your real family.
Wait.
Can we have a moment in private? Of course.
As I lay dying on the ocean floor, I remembered everything you've done for me.
To hell with that stupid DNA test and its 99.
99997% accuracy, you're my dad and I love you.
I love you too, Homer.
And now there's something I've got to tell you.
I really am your father.
But how? After seeing how happy you were with horatio homewrecker, I made a decision.
I switched the names on the dna samples.
Then I put my name first on the list for a new heart.
My old one's fine, but you never know.
Only a true father would lead his son to believe he belonged to someone else.
Ah, dad.
Oh, Homer.
Now why don't you stay for dinner.
It would be my pleasure, son.
Send up two hams.
Hey, this one's cold.
Listen, I wanted to ask you if you could do something my former father never did for me.
Anything, son.
Teach me that the stove is hot.
Very well.
No, Homer, mustn't touch.
I said no, Homer.
All right, nap time.
But I'm not tired.