The Simpsons s17e11 Episode Script

We're on the Road to D'oh-where

well, well, Bart Simpson in trouble again.
School hasn't even started yet.
What can I say? I missed you, Myra.
How's things with you and Frank? That bum! He says his divorce will be final next week.
So why is she pregnant again? You hang in there, beautiful.
So, where's the skin-man he's out admiring his new car.
Ah, 1995.
A fine year for Camrys.
No one would ever guess you spent three months in a lake.
Ay, caramba! Thank you, satan.
Just think, Milhouse.
From now on we'll always be "those kids who got into the steam tunnels.
" Now I gotta warn you we could get in trouble.
I don't mind! Trouble's a form of attention.
Gentlemen, the moment has finally arrived.
I'm rentin' a party bus and takin' all you regulars to Las Vegas.
Nevada?! That's right.
Moe, why you bein' so generous? You're usually so stingy and rat-like.
Yeah, well, you remember that time I tried to hang myself and the rope broke? Well, I sued the rope company and I got a huge settlement and a new rope! Hey, nice rope.
You could hang a cow with that thing! These steam tunnels are awesome.
It's like we're in the school's lymphatic system and we're the lymph.
Oh, my god! My dad had a long talk with me about this, but you can't believe it till you see it! The cafeteria loading dock! Look we're having pizza tomorrow! I'm gonna eat a lighter breakfast.
well, we made it to the valve room.
Now we can leave without touching a valve.
What a tale that'll be.
Hey, we can't leave here without turning one little valve.
Yeah, it'd be like going to Amsterdam and not taking a walking tour of famous doors.
That's odd, we only turn the heat on for parents' night.
What the F-minus? Steeeaam! Grover cleveland's second term was, if anything, more uneventful Look, a new kid! Get him! Our instruments are rusting! We're going a cappella, people! I've got two kinds of wet in my pants! God, it's so hot I need a drink.
No water fountain outwits Willie! Maybe I'll just have a soda.
This wood is more buckled than a pilgrim's hat.
But who's responsible? Don't bother struggling, I've got your scruff.
Can I cut a deal? I'll give you Milhouse.
I don't want Milhouse.
Sounds like my parents' custody hearing.
Myra, can ya help me out here? Forget it.
This used to be a croissandwich.
Now, it's a ham and cheese car crash.
Yes, thank you, Myra.
To highlight the seriousness of Bart's offense, superintendent chalmers will be joining us by video uplink.
And joining me by video uplink, state comptroller Atkins.
Can we move this along? I'm attending an important conference here in Scottsdale.
You're in Scottsdale? I'm in Scottsdale! At the Hyatt room 381! Get outta here! I'm in 502! Hey, do you guys have any ice buckets down there? No, we've been using shower caps.
Skinner! You made that tv show really mad.
Yes, well you won't think it's so funny when we send Bart here.
"Upward bound: "The toughest behavioral modification camp in northwest Oregon.
" It's the only place cruel enough to straighten Bart out.
They use a proven concept "tough hate" to turn around foul-mouthed hooligans.
Then they send them home, quietly ticking away.
This camp's got it all.
Climbing some kind of rope thing.
Wearing a backpack.
High-fiving the black kid.
It's the perfect thing to straighten you out.
Got it.
Now I have a ring tone for my brand-new cell phone.
No wires at all.
Except this one.
Hey, check it out.
I made it partially risqué.
Hey, guys, I have to put the boy on a plane to soul-crushing camp.
Then I'll be back to go to Vegas.
Dad, if you take me to Vegas, I'll teach you how to cheat at blackjack.
Boy, you don't need to cheat when you got a system.
What's your system? I don't tell your mother how much I've lost.
One child to Portland.
He's your problem now.
It seems he was our problem before.
You son is on the "no fly" list.
Why, there must be some mistake.
There's no mistake.
It seems, the last time he flew unescorted Welcome to Atlanta.
Please keep your seat belt fastened until we have come to a complete stop.
Nobody tells Bart Simpson what to do.
Thanks a lot, 33C.
Now we all have to go back to Minneapolis, and I'm very tired.
Well, Homer, looks like I can't go to discipline camp.
Which is too bad, 'cause I think this was the thing that would finally straighten me out.
Oh, yeah? You're going to that camp 'cause I'm going to drive you there.
Yeah, that will be way more fun than Vegas.
Dang.
Homer ain't coming.
And Nelson saw something funny.
Stupid Bart makes me drive to Oregon, home of unspoiled forests, birthplace of Matt Groening.
Dad, neither of us want to go.
Why are you doing this? Where's the old carefree Homer who likes to cut loose? You mean fun Homer? I'm afraid serious Homer has him locked up till you're at your snooty torture camp.
Fight back, fun Homer! Together we can win! It's no use.
Come on, serious Homer! Let me out! We'll get a monkey drunk and push him down the stairs.
I'll kill you the way I killed intellectual Homer! While the boys are gone, we'll sell all their useless junk, and replace it with knickknacks and curios.
I already made up a yard sale sign.
You know, your father saved every book report he ever wrote.
And every one was stuart little.
Not to mention this powerpoint demonstration he did just last week.
My Malibu Stacy heads! Bart blamed this on the dog.
I didn't pet him for weeks.
I'm sorry I doubted you, boy.
Come on, dad, we got a long way to go.
You can't stay mad at me the whole time.
Boy, if you were half as smart as you think you are, you'd clean up your act.
Well, maybe pulling pranks is the only thing I'm good at.
At least you have something you're good at.
I'm 38 years old, driving a crappy car, with a son who doesn't respect me, and I'm one snickers pie away from losing my foot to diabetes.
Mmm snickers pie! So, I see you're also traveling with your son.
What boy prison are you taking him to? Actually, Justin and I are going to the Oregon Shakespeare festival.
Sir peter hall, himself, is directing.
See, Bart? I told you things could be worse.
I'm getting a sweatshirt with Shakespeare's face on it.
Well, we better get back to the prius, son.
Don't forget the menu for our scrapbook.
Did you see that? They were eating melon for breakfast.
Look at me! I use a napkin.
Well, dad, we may not always get along, but we'll never be that lame.
I bet they're from Massachusetts.
You know, it's legal there for a guy to marry his son.
Well, I guess it's tinkle time.
Don't forget to wash your hands, Shakespeare! So, here for a snack before they roll you back into the ocean? Yeah.
I'll have the smiley-face breakfast special.
But could you add a bacon nose? Plus bacon hair, bacon mustache, five o'clock shadow made of bacon bits, and A bacon body.
How 'bout if I just shoved a pig down your throat? I'm kidding.
Fine! But the bacon man lives in a bacon house! No, he doesn't! You know who would really like this place? Bart.
Wait a minute.
Where the hell is Bart? You little monster! show your face this minute! Bart, where are you?! Hey, Stavros, there's a guy in your bathroom trying to dine-and-dash.
What?! No one dashie-dine on Stavros! Why you little I'm stuck! Someone's hitting my butt with something! Is frying pan! Leave your ass, Homer.
Leave your ass.
Let me get this straight.
I get all of Bart's action figures, Homer's treasured Mr.
Plow jacket, and these power ranger underoos, which I am already wearing, for only 3.
95? That's right.
Give me five minutes alone with your fridge, and you have a deal.
Fine.
We've only brought in $5.
00.
And that came from Mr.
Flanders buying back his own stuff.
My LP of dreamcoat?! How I love my coat of many colors it was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and gray and and purple and white and pink and orange and red and yellow and green and brown scarlet and black and ochre and peach.
My yard sale is a failure.
I guess I'll have to give everything to the salvation army.
We don't want it! Mm dexonumb.
Somnodoze.
Percolax.
Are these for sale? I guess.
They're Homer's expired pain medications.
I'm in a lot of pain.
I'm, breaking in a new pair of flip flops, and my thong notch is on fire! How much? A dollar.
Per pill, right? I'll take a dozen of each.
Drugs in a bottle.
I feel like Elvis Presley.
This is so much safer than buying my illegal drugs at the playground.
Bag or keister? Surprise me.
I'll take all your estrogen.
That's a female replacement hormone.
It's for a friend.
Who's trapped in the body of another friend.
So, Lenny, How's it goin' in Vegas? Pretty boring, I'll bet.
Yeah, kinda.
Can't talk now, Homer.
I'm too satisfied in every way.
I got you now, boy.
Oh! Boy! Push down on the bumper! Then I can back the car up and save myself.
If I save you, what are you gonna do to me? Shower you with love, because this experience has taught me just how precious you are.
I'll kill you! I'll kill your whole family! Kidding! I'm kidding! We can do that, we have a special friendship.
I'm gonna double kill you! Then I'm gonna bury you in a shallow grave.
Then I'll dig you up and kill you again! That's the beauty of a shallow grave.
You sweet little angel.
I'm gonna rip your head off and spit down your adorable little neck, because I want to smash your little stupid head But I love you.
We'll go on a fishing trip.
But first I'm gonna put you on a sawmill, then punch your little face out! That's what I'm gonna do! I'm here for the, yard sale? That was yesterday.
No, I mean the yard sale.
What are you talking about? Can I buy some pills? Well, maybe someone else can help you, but I am not a drug grocer! I'm out of drugs! See how much money I made?! Chief Wiggum.
Are you still with the police department? Save it, Ma peddle! Ma peddle? It's a reference to ma kettle.
A popular movie character from the '40s.
If you have to explain it, it's not good, chief.
Well, boy, you made the right choice.
I think this is the first step to a new, closer relationship between us.
Dad, I think you actually enjoy seeing your own son suffer.
Je n'aime pas ca.
Being a father is just a job.
Long hours, no pay, and at the end, all you get is someone yelling, "you screwed me up"! Well, maybe if you enjoyed me more, I wouldn't be so screwed up.
Hey, I enjoy you plenty.
Talking time is over.
Don't worry, Mr.
Simpson.
We're gonna take his "sass" and turn it into "siss.
" Thank you, colonel.
I'm not a colonel.
This is a boy scout uniform that I dolled up.
Come with me, son.
Now kiss your childhood good-bye.
Vegas here I come! I miss you, dad.
Hey, Homer, you wanna eat my shorts? Don't gamble on my love, Homer.
I miss Bart.
I can't leave him in that awful camp.
I'm coming, boy! Oh! Oh, wait.
Get off here.
I bet this looks cool from overhead, though.
Vegas, here I come! Right.
Bart.
Nicely chopped, Simpson.
I've learned so much in my three hours here.
I don't have to play pranks to feel good.
I can just listen to the gentle rhythms of nature.
Stupid horse! It's a deer crossing! Wipe the blood off the windshield and get in the car, boy! Dad? Son, I'm doing something I should have done a long time ago.
Taking you to Vegas! I'm gonna order a steak dinner and eat it on the toilet! And don't you try to stop us.
Actually, we were gonna call you, Mr.
Simpson.
Your credit card was declined.
Try this one! Homer, I hope you get this.
I'm in jail and I need $10,000 bail.
Hurry! Marge.
Me and Bart got in a fight with this really un-cool pit boss and now we're in Nevada state prison.
Also, I don't know where Bart is.
If you see him, say "hey.
" Well, maggie, I always knew it would some day boil down to just you and me.
I'll look for work in the morning.
transcript: scarfo synchro: Ale,lapinot59 & Toki