The Simpsons s18e03 Episode Script

Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'em

This place is looking a little run down.
Yeah, hasn't been the same since they murdered the Mayor's dad here.
Ooh, a J.
C.
Penney's used to be here.
Now it's a collection of candle kiosks and Persian CD stores.
How you doing, bro? We've got the latest by Nabil, Uma Shang Shang, The Flower Song! Uma shang shang Uma shang shang Uma shang shang Is like Bruce Springsteen the Boss, ya? I guess.
If you buy now, I give you, uh, toothache cream.
Toothache cream.
Deal! We have deal.
Where's the beef? You ain't so bad.
Where's the beef? You ain't so bad.
Where's the beef? You ain't so bad.
These games are so old.
Who got these high scores? Pilgrims? Hmm, never saw this one before.
What's going on here? Am I destroying these triangles or trying to assemble them? What does this button do? Now my ship is pooping more triangles! Ooh, gummy worms! That candy's been here an awfully long time.
I'd think twice if I were you.
Don't tell me how many times to think! Mmm You are not bringing that thing home.
Then stand back.
This doesn't taste like I thought it would.
Well, if you're through, let's check out that discount book warehouse.
We already own a book.
Wisconsin From Above.
Veterans' Day Parades.
Ooh, Smiles of Ireland! Redheaded twins? Their mother must have her hands full.
Hmm.
Cool, a carpenter's library.
This doesn't look easy, but I'll bet it is.
Well, I like the idea of you as a handyman.
And I love the idea of you reading.
Oh, yeah? Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, Ooh Oh! Blah, blah, blah, Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah Okay, now you do me.
I never want to go back to that mall.
There were eels in the photo booth.
Eww! Bart, here's a letter from your school.
A fire? I didn't start a fire in the teachers' lounge.
I mean, what fire? I mean, a letter from school? Please elaborate.
Someone at your school has a life-threatening peanut allergy.
Cool! Who is it? The letter doesn't say.
But from now on, no peanut products are allowed on school property.
Hmm, let's see what you've got.
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich, trail mix, starring peanuts.
Good grief, more peanuts! Harley Mozell is hit from behind by J.
T.
Delacroix! And Earl Tilleson! Oh, and Buddy Rollette! And the Pecker Brothers, Danny and Dell! And the ol' Grizzly himself Weasel Johnson Junior! Look at that carnage.
We are worse than the ancient Romans! Homie, don't you want to build something with your new fix-it books? I did.
I made a foot rest.
Oh, don't you have any follow-through on anything? What's the point? We're all slowly dying.
Oh, the floorboard broke my nightstand.
Hmm Hmm I did it! What's that strange feeling? It's "of accomplishment"! Wow, Mom, you made all this? It's like you're the Jesus of carpentry.
Aww, what a sweet blasphemy.
This is a valuable skill.
People might even pay you to build things for them.
I could start my own carpentry business.
I'm already arranging the clip art for the letterhead in my mind.
Perfect! Can I help you, Miss? I'm here to fix your bookcase.
You answered my flyer.
Hmm, yeah.
And you're the carpenter? That's right.
I see.
Not that I have anything against female carpenters, but I have some pictures hanging that you might find, um unsavory.
Good-bye.
A lady carpenter? I don't know.
What if you get pregnant and I'm left with half a hot tub? And don't tell me you're infertile.
I ain't falling for that again.
It's so unfair.
I'm as handy as any man.
You sure are, sweetie.
I love this bed you made.
I guess people just expect their carpenter to be some fat guy with his butt crack showing.
Homer, your butt just gave me a brilliant idea! Yep, it'll do that.
"Simpsons Manly-Man Handyman" at your service.
Ah, superlative! Please install a doggie door sized for a teacup poodle.
No problem.
Why don't you go inside and stir your flubber while I get to work? Marge, the coast is clear.
I'm terribly sorry.
I thought I heard the sound of a woman measuring.
Oh, uh, that was me.
You know that old saying: "Measure like a girl, hammer like a guy.
" Yes, but you're holding your hammer backwards.
Oh, uh you know what they say, "Hammer with the wood and it's all good.
" It's all good.
All right, then.
A dash of glue, a turn of screw, and a gazebo's built that's perfect for two or more.
Uh-oh, switch! Eh eh eh! And done! Mm-mmm! Simpson, you're a master craftsman.
Listen, what would you say if I told you a woman did most of the work? I'd have this gazebo torn down and built into a coffin for your manhood.
Why did my hypothetical scenario scare you so? Uh, like all manly men, I have a vivid imagination.
Well said.
Let's take off our shirts and wrestle.
Okay, give me all your peanuts, Goobers, and Fluffer Nutters.
Oh, why should we have to give up our salty snacks just to keep one allergic kid from exploding? Who is this selfish jerk anyway? It's not me, I swear.
I'm only allergic to honey, wheat, dairy, non-dairy, and my own tears.
Oh, no.
Call my allergist and my optometrist.
Willie, you can tell me.
Who's the mystery wuss who can't eat peanuts? I'll never say his name.
"His," eh? Hmm, so it's a dude.
Who says it's a dude? A principal can be a manor a woman these days.
Hmm.
I've taken all the peanut products.
Just like the English took our sheep and our women in 1291.
Then, they sent them back, which was worse! Yes, yes, every day we go through this.
Why don't you just incinerate the contraband? Will do, but first, Willie gets his gob-full.
Careful with those peanut crumbs! My allergy is so sensitive, a single molecule would make my throat close like a museum at 4:45.
Hello, Marge.
Picking up supplies for Handy Homer? It must feel good to know that you're "helping.
" - Oh, I help more than you might think.
- Sure you do.
You provide food and sexual release for your handy husband.
Looks like you broke something.
Better call Homer! Of course I can make a credenza, what ever that is.
Just give all the details to my secretary Shirley.
This is Shirley.
Yes, fine, he'll be there tomorrow.
Good-bye.
That Shirley is quite a gal.
We should fix her up with Barney.
Homie I think you're taking a little too much credit for my work.
I mean, look at your t-shirt! Marge, giving me credit was your idea.
Now, could you rub my butt? I sat on it so much it's a little sore.
Oh! Look, I'm sorry you're upset, but if we tell the truth now, I'll be humiliated in front of the whole town.
Then you won't be married to a man.
You'll be married to some kind of gay jelly fish, floating outside the Florida Keys, cruising for rich snorkelers.
- You don't want that.
- I guess I don't.
Bart, Skinner's going to be really mad at you.
Yes, you might say he'll "blow up".
What ever.
I've got some paper to mâché.
Simpson! Report to detention at once.
Ah, I'm not a big fan of detention.
You might say it drives me nuts.
My allergen.
Beat on the brat, at the brat Beat on the brat with a baseball bat Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh-oh Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh-oh I'm a cootie eater.
I've been one all my life.
I like the cooties so much, I have a cootie wife.
- Why does Lenny need a windmill, anyway? - Ah, he wants to grind his own corn.
Maybe finally shut him up about the high price of cornmeal.
Oh, switch.
Oh, yeah, switch, switch, switch.
Wow, great job, Homer.
Yeah, and to think you built this whole thing with your own two hands.
Who do you think would help me, my wife? Your wife? Give me a break.
The only thing women can build is credit card debt.
Credit card debt.
Homer, did you leave a powerdrill on in your toolbox? It's making this horrible noise.
Yeah, I hear it, too.
Maybe we cover up by singing a fun song.
We will, we will rock you We will, we will rock you Buddy, you're the boy make a big noise Playin' in the street gonna be a big man some day I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, infinity.
I never expected them to climb on the cabinet and ride it down the biggest hill in town.
Homer, it's time people knew the truth.
I'm doing the work and I want the credit.
Look, I understand that you're mad.
Which makes now the perfect time to tell you, the mayor's hired to fix the old Springfield roller coaster.
By the way, nice job installing this wall-chart bracket.
If the kids ask, I did it.
You're gonna have fix that roller coaster yourself, because I quit, and I'm taking this with me! Darn these counter sunk molly clamps.
This is not going to end well.
Now as I see it, the problem with this roller coaster is there are too many boring going-up parts.
We need to replace them with kick-ass going-down parts.
Oh, yeah, going-downparts.
Uh, Mr.
Simpson, shouldn't we begin by securing the struts? Hmm Let me mull that over.
What are struts?! Oh, I don't know.
Anything about struts.
This guy's all bubble and no level.
So what? He's paying us 50 grand.
And I promised these guys money I don't have! And they're gonna be so mad! Ah, let's go home.
Maybe I can sneak home without them seeing me.
Are you ready to be lightly assaulted? Good morning.
I brought you breakfast in bed.
Eat it.
Excuse me.
I'm supposed to stand in your store window and breast-feed Bilbo Baggins.
Your cowering suggests that Bart has found your kryptonite.
Kryptonite? What's that? The "ite" suffix suggests a mineral.
I do not know whether to laugh or cry at your ignorance.
I shall laugh.
Ha-ha! Kryptonite is Superman's greatest weakness.
Wait, maybe Bart has a kryptonite! Perhaps.
But for now, you may suckle your Baggins.
I've got you now, Bart.
Dad, here's a thought: If you just gave mom credit, maybe she could help you.
Sweetie, you don't understand.
If I can do this myself, then all those lies I told will be true.
Don't you want Daddy's lies to be true? I'd like a daddy who lived in the real world.
To Daddy, the real world gets fainter and fainter every day.
Good morning, Seymour.
You may be wondering what I'm doing with this hat full of maggots.
Actually, I'm not wondering at all.
Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long.
- Eat shrimp and die! - No! I'm allergic! Stick-on-stick.
Just like the knights of old.
No one teaches me history! - Peanut?! - Shrimp?! If either of us falls in, we're doomed! Kids don't die! - I was El Barto.
- No! Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, honored guests and out-of-town roller coaster weirdos.
Your father's finally gonna get exposed as the credit-stealing fraud he is! Perfect.
I give you the Zoominator! And now to get stinking drunk! I'm not getting married on that! You won't get married on Colossus, you won't get married on The Zoominator, you won't get married on The Pharaoh's Curse.
- Just say it.
it's me! - Oh, no, baby, no! Dad! Put aside your selfish male ego and tell the truth! Sure, I'll tell them the truth.
The truth is that I'm perfect and everything I touch is perfect! Oh, my God, he'll kill himself! He'll never hear me say "I told you so!" I never felt safer! Oh, why must we preserve America's historic roller coasters? Thank you, honey! Everyone! My stupid male pride made me lie to you.
Everything I claimed I did was actually built by Marge! Homer, I was pretty upset with you, but in the end, I I I beam! Avenge me.
Marge, I realized something when I was trapped under all that rubble: Marriage is the real roller coaster.
I'm just glad I have you as my safety bar.
Oh, I forgive you, my darling.
Get well.
As for you, young man, the next time you save your principal, try not to risk your own life.
What kind of lies are you feeding her, Simpson? Mind your own beeswax! I'm gonna go look at the new babies.
Corrections by XhmikosR