The Simpsons s20e02 Episode Script

Lost Verizon

(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) BART: Ay, caramba! (ENGINE SPUTTERING) Out of gas? But how? I put a dollar in this morning and we've only driven 90 cents! You had to drive with the windows down, didn't you, Rockefeller? Now get some gas while I read my bingo strategy guide! Let's see B-12.
(TRUCK HORN HONKING) (CARS HONKING) (GASPING) I did it! Bonehead.
Huh? This counts as a parent/teacher conference! (EX CLAIMS) Am I seeing this right? I am! Time to spread the word! - Hey, Milhouse.
- Talk to me.
Skinner's doing what? (CELL PHONE RINGING) - I'm on my way! - I'm on my way! (CHILDREN LAUGHING) (CARS HONKING) (PANTING) (GRUNTS ANGRILY) I'll clean you up good, giant beer can! (BARNEY YELLING) (SEYMOUR SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGHING) - Where's Simpson? - I couldn't get a hold of him.
No cell phone.
But if I know Bart, he's busy doing something awesome! I don't know why I agreed to this.
Because you love the taste of my imaginary tea.
(SLURPS) Oh, you're right.
(GULPING) Hey, spaz.
While you were here spazzing yourself, you totally missed out.
Missed out? I didn't miss out.
What did I miss out on? (BART GASPING) (BART EX CLAIMS IN DISGUST) (MOANS) I wish I had a cell phone.
- Here's an imaginary cell phone.
- What? Do you think I'm crazy? (BART GRUNTS) Mom, even Milhouse has a cell phone! Your son is lamer than Milhouse! What does that say about you? Sweetie, we can't afford to get you a cell phone.
As it is, I'm buying frozen peas on installments.
(SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION) (GROANS) I'm never gonna get a cell phone.
And I'm never gonna go to Machu Picchu.
In this family, you get used to disappointments.
How am I ever gonna get a cell phone? (GROANS) (GRUNTS ANGRILY) - Is this your ball? - Why, yes, it is! (DR.
HIBBERT LAUGHING) - Here you go.
- Don't tell me where I go! - A dollar? What for? - It's the least I can do.
These balls cost five dollars new.
So I can get a dollar for every ball I find? Then if a cell phone costs $100, how many balls do I need? This is why my kids go to private school.
(LAUGHING) (WORKIN'MAN BLUES PLAYING) (SINGING) I keep my nose on the grindstone I work hard every day I might get a little tired on the weekend, after I draw my pay But I'll go back workin' Come Monday morning I'm right back with the crew (WHOOPS) I'll drink a little beer that evening Huh? I'll fix you, you varmint! Wow! I'm just 20 balls away from a cell phone! WILLIE: So it's you! You're the one that's been poaching on my territory! Groundskeeper Willie? Weekends and summers, I'm Greenskeeper Willie.
Your ball-scavenging days are over! And those orphan golf balls belong to me! (GRUNTS) Dimpled gold.
I'm rich! Now I won't have to pleasure a country club wife to get me steak dinner! (SIGHS) I'm never gonna get a cell phone.
(SIGHS) Great.
We gotta wait for Denis Leary.
Hey, Leary, if you want to have a "tee" party, go back to Boston! (BOTH LAUGHING) Boston.
Come on, Ice Age, take the shot! Ice Age was the name of the film.
I played Diego, the vicious saber tooth tiger who, guess what, has a heart.
Now shut up or I'll have you all kicked out of show business.
(ALL EX CLAIM) (CELL PHONE RINGING) Damn it! A cell phone! It's mine! Cool.
You can even watch commercials on it! (DIALING ON CELL PHONE) Hey, Milhouse.
Guess where I'm calling from? Well, I know you don't have a cell phone.
So you must be in your kitchen or one of your bedrooms.
Unless you have a wall jack in your basement! - That would be huge! - Look outside your window.
I'm not supposed to look out the window when I'm alone.
Just do it! Cell phone! Let's assign each other ring tones! That felt good.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? You want Denis Leary? Wrong number, dumbass.
Come on, Denis.
It's me, producer Brian Grazer.
I just paid five million dollars for the screen rights to the book - Everybody Poops.
- I'm a big fan.
Only one face came to mind for the constipated gorilla.
Yours.
Sure.
On one condition.
I want to do my own poops.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Of course I'll do it for minimum.
Great.
I'll see you next Monday in Tunisia.
This phone belongs to Denis Leary! Denis Leary? Boston comedian turned movie star turned basic cable notable? That's right! Let's call his business manager and tell him to spend all his money on Yankees hats and Derek Jeter jerseys.
I don't know, Bart.
What if Denis Leary gets mad? Nah.
He's cool.
He's gonna think this is hilarious.
No longer must we live in shame.
Let the decree go forth.
Everybody poops! And cut! Great.
Great, man.
You really nailed it.
I don't even remember agreeing to be in this movie.
Well, you did.
Bring in the poop.
Milhouse, I hold in this hand Denis Leary's cell phone.
And in this hand, the phone numbers of bars around the world.
Let's start with Hawaii.
(PHONE RINGING) - Aloha.
- Aloha to you.
I'm looking for Maya, last name Normousbutt.
Hang on.
I'll check, has anyone here seen Maya Normousbutt? (ALL LAUGHING) (PHONE RINGING) I got a Drew Peewiener here? Anyone expecting a Drew Peewiener? I hold in my hand a Drew Peewiener! Better put it down then, mate! (ALL LAUGHING) (PHONE RINGING) (GREETS IN SWEDISH) I shall inquire.
Is there a Mr.
Myfriendsaregay? First name Olaf.
Attention, everyone! Olaf Myfriendsaregay! (ALL LAUGHING) Wait a minute.
If I ever get a hold of you, I will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor.
(BOTH LAUGHING) (SIGHS) The sun never sets on the Bartish Empire.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) - Yo.
Who's this? - Denis Leary, you little puke! I'm gonna rip out your heart with two fingers! They taught me how to do it for my show! Which one? The one that got canceled or the one that's gonna get canceled? You are so dead! (BOTH LAUGHING) That laughter sounds like the result of misbehavior.
Bart, how did you get a cell phone? Same way you got me.
By accident on a golf course.
Whose phone is this? - You'll never get it out of me! - Okay.
Milhouse? It's Denis Leary's! I'm sorry, Bart.
I'm desperate for any signs of adult approval.
You did the right thing.
(SIGHS) (CELL PHONE RINGING) Bart Simpson's stolen cell phone.
Can I help you? Damn straight, you can.
I'm Denis Leary.
And your kid is out of control.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Leary.
Sometimes it's hard to be a parent.
No it's not.
It's easy.
I'll tell you what's hard.
Having to watch my stunt double run into a burning building, worrying that people might realize it's not me, it's him.
Try doing that! I don't think I could.
(SIGHS) Mr.
Leary, I'm so sorry.
I'll send you your phone back right away.
Keep the phone.
In fact, can I give you some advice? Of course.
You're Denis Leary.
Give your kid back the phone.
But first, activate its built-in GPS system.
That way you can log onto your carrier's website and track your son's movements, the way I track every actor who gets a movie that I was up for.
Shouldn't you just be happy for their success? I should be a lot of things, lady.
My tarts! (SIGHS) Okay, here goes.
Bart, I have something for you.
Huh? Wait a minute.
I thought you said I couldn't have this.
Well, sweetie, I know I said you couldn't have a cell phone.
But in these days of stranger dangers and sinister ministers, I think it's important that we're in touch.
(THRILLED GASP) Lady, you are the best mom ever! (MURMURS) - Did he take the bait? - Like a bigmouth bass.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Okay.
Bart went to the comic book store.
Time to head home.
(GASPS) Bullies! Hey! He went into a construction site! (GASPS) That's a hard-hat zone! (MILHOUSE LAUGHING) You sure this is safe? Sure.
I got my seatbelt on.
MARGE: Bartholomew J.
Simpson! MILHOUSE: Whoa! What are you doing at this construction site? Trying to do something constructive? (GRUNTS) I'll just take Milhouse home.
(WA TCH YOUR STEPPLAYING) (SINGING) You better watch your step Bye I send you all my regards You're so tough You're so hard Listen to the hammers falling in the breaker's yard You better watch your step You better watch your step Ooh, watch your step (SCREAMS) Hey, Bart just keeps spinning around and around and around.
What's his angle? (DOOR CREAKING) What are you two doing in the laundry room? We're doing the laundry.
- Dad, do laundry.
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) No problem.
(MURMURS NERVOUSLY) (HUMS HAPPY TUNE) Tracking software? (LISA GASPS) You're spying on Bart.
Honey, keeping track of someone because you love them is not wrong.
It shows you care! That's right, my beautiful, beautiful Midge.
(CHUCKLES) Soon you'll be mine.
Keep talking, creepo.
Every word buys you another year in the slammer.
Bart, there's something I need to tell you.
Mom and Dad (SHUSHING) I'm listening to financing terms for double-glazed windows.
Awesome.
Another call.
You got Bart.
It's me, you idiot.
Mom and Dad are spying on you.
There's a tracking chip in your cell phone.
(GASPS) They're spying on me? That's horrible.
I know! It's a complete violation of your rights! Not to mention Hold that thought.
I'm getting a text.
Viagra at five dollars a pill? (LAUGHS) Whatever it is, it's going in Skinner's coffee.
What is in this coffee? Mmm-hmm.
Track this, Mom and Dad.
(CHUCKLES) MARGE: Look at Bart go! - He must be running away! - He won't get far.
Not on that crappy breakfast I made for him.
MARGE: Oh, my God.
He's out of frame! Zoom out! Zoom out! (MARGE EX CLAIMS) He's circling the Shelbyville Bird Sanctuary.
(HOMER LAUGHING) Our little boy has lost his mind.
Let's get him.
(LAUGHS) Looks like I've got the house to myself for a while.
I can do anything I want! First, I'm gonna take a bath.
Then I'm gonna eat some vegetables.
And then I'm gonna get to bed nice and early with no TV! (CHUCKLING) So your family's been gone for three days? Yeah.
And I think they may be gone a while longer.
It looks like the grilled Twizzlers are ready.
Mmm.
Yeah.
This baby is done.
Awesome! But I better get going.
It's getting dark.
My mom's gonna wake up soon.
She gets upset if someone's not there to tell her where she is.
(LAUGHS) Typical mom.
You sure you don't want to stay and have a sleepover? I made sleepover shirts! Huh? Huh? Listen, Bart.
If I don't get home soon, there won't be time for my mom to give me a hug, my dad to read me a story, and both of them to sing me a song till I gently fall asleep.
Anyway, you have fun by yourself.
Hmm.
There's no moon tonight.
Real boogeyman weather.
(WIND WHOOSHING) (MURMURS WORRIEDLY) Bart's been moving nonstop all afternoon.
Maybe there's too much sugar in his Sugar Frosted Candy-O's.
Something about this just doesn't seem right.
Pull over! Bart's in this field! Bart? Where are you, boy? Don't worry.
I won't strangle you.
(BIRD TWITTERING) (LISA GASPS) I think we're following you! What's your species, little guy? You're a scarlet tanager.
You've been flying south because you're migrating to Machu Picchu, Peru? Well, I could tell Mom and Dad the chip is in a bird and hope they take me to Machu Picchu another time.
Or (SHOOING) Mom, Dad, Bart's on the move! (WIND WHOOSHING) (OWL HOOTING) Man, when you're alone, night is scary.
Day is awesome! Night is scary.
Day is awesome! Night is scary.
Are we ever going to find him? Absolutely.
That unpleasantness in Ecuador is behind us, my coca leaf addiction is under control, and Bart is finally trapped in that paradise above the clouds.
Bart! Where are you, Bart? Is that him? No.
It's just a bush.
Clearly the work of Wirakocha, the trickster god.
You guys look exhausted.
Maybe you ought to rest for a while.
No! All I care about is finding my boy! And then I'm never letting him out of my sight again! (SNORING) Greetings, sky-haired sun mother.
I don't need any new friends.
I'm just looking for my little boy.
I need to protect him from himself.
Like the mothers of ancient Machu Picchu protected their children? (MARGE SCREAMING) Our mothers were the most overprotective in the greater Machu Picchu metropolitan area.
They forced their children to live in this walled mountain city.
Those walls do look safe.
Walls that keep out danger keep out knowledge.
Our young people never learned to survive on their own.
So when they grew up they were no match for the conquistadors.
(ALL YELPING) (HOOTING) Oh, my God.
You've taught me a valuable lesson.
I didn't mean to.
I'm just chatty.
I sold my business a few years ago.
And I miss talking to people.
So I can't always be there for Bart.
He's got to learn to take care of himself.
The computer says Bart's standing on the computer.
All I see is a stupid bird with a tracking chip on its leg.
It doesn't add up.
I think it's time for us to go home.
- Hey.
- Thank God you're okay! Were you guys gone? We were gone for two weeks! I didn't even notice.
Oh.
Well, I just made a 3,700-mile car trip.
I need to wash up.
Oh! Never leave again! (EX CLAIMS HAPPILY) (MARGE GRUNTING) Where's Maggie? She's