The Simpsons s20e01 Episode Script

Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes

(SINGING) The Simpsons (TIRES SCREECHING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALL SHRIEK) BART: Woo-hoo! St.
Patrick's Day.
I love how they made the river green.
Actually, my nuclear plant did that.
And now that you know, your life is in danger.
(HUMS HAPPY TUNE) Greetings, fellow Irishmen and lady Irishmen.
I, Joseph Fitzgerald O'Malley Fitzpatrick O'Donnell "The Edge" Quimby, welcome you to Springfield's first booze-free St.
Patrick's Day! (ALL BOOING) Come on, people.
Your drunken shenanigans destroy this town every year.
And Ireland is so much more than the imbibing of spirits.
The Irish gave the world the paddy wagon, the shamrock shake, and folk dancing where you don't move your arms.
(IRISH MUSIC PLAYING) (EX CLAIMS) Where's the IRA when you need 'em.
(IN IRISH ACCENT) We renounced the ways of the gun and the bomb.
(ALL CHEERING) (SIGHS) In the old days we would've been all over that.
(BAND PLAYING IRISH MUSIC) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) (SILENCE) (CHILDREN CLAMORING) (BAND PLAYING HEROIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) Oh, no.
The Northern Irish are also having a parade.
Two kinds of Irish people? What are they fighting over? Who gets to sleep in the bathtub? Actually, those Prots and Cathies have hated each other for centuries.
(SIGHS) It always comes down to transubstantiation versus consubstantiation.
(BOTH SPEAKING IRISH-ACCENTED GIBBERISH) Stop it, both of you! You have a common land, a literature, and the sweetest songs on earth! (SINGING) Too-ra-Ioo-ra-Ioo-ral Too-ra-Ioo-ra-li Hush, my little baby Hush now, don't you cry ALL: Too-ra-Ioo-ra-Ioo-ral Too-ra-Ioo-ra-li Too-ra-Ioo-ra-Ioo-ral That's an Irish lullaby (ALL CRYING) Oh, no! Without the booze, these guys all remember how much they hate each other! (EX CLAIMS) This was such a pleasant St.
Patrick's Day until the Irish people showed up.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING) Urchins! They took my cupcakes! (IRISH ACCENT) All right, you unwanted miracles, give back the lady's cupcakes.
You don't have the teeth for it.
(IRISH ACCENT) Aye, but we could gum the frosting.
Well, if it's good gumming you're after, wouldn't you rather have this lovely cabbage? CHILDREN: Cabbage, cabbage! Here you go, ma'am.
Not a sprinkle nor jimmy askew.
Thank you so much, Mr Patrick Farrelly at your service.
Marge Simpson.
Well, Mr.
Farrelly, the least I could do is offer you a cupcake.
Mmm.
Light, moist, and such a marvelous shape retention.
Marge, I own a small bakery.
Will you bake for me? Me? A professional baker's employee? Imagine how different my life would be.
Here we are at school, kids.
Hey, what are those boxes in the back? - Cakes! - BOTH: See ya.
- I'll do it! - Bless your heart.
- You won't regret it.
- I already don't.
Homer! I've got great news! I'll use my one phone call to find out all about it! Mulk request change of venue.
Green monster cannot get fair trial in downtown Springfield.
Granted.
Homer Simpson? You're a repeat offender.
Three-peat.
Bail is set at $25,000.
(SCOFFS) I make that in a year.
I suggest you see a bail bondsman.
Okay, Simpson.
All of your information checks out.
I called your boss to verify your employment, and he says you're fired for getting arrested.
(LAUGHING) You'd be amazed how often that happens.
Oh! We'll put up your bail money.
Just pay us 10 percent and show up for your court date.
And if I don't show up? Then you gotta deal with me.
The name's Wolf, and I'm a bounty hunter.
If someone skips bail, I track 'em down and bring 'em back.
I also take a tooth, make a plastic cast, put it on this necklace, then replace the tooth at my expense.
Well, time to go back to my world of sleazy bars, tattoo parlors, and greasy spoons.
What a great job.
And I could use a job right now.
Whoa! Not just anyone can be a bounty hunter.
You have to pass an online exam.
No, wait.
They got rid of that.
There is a ten-dollar filing fee.
But you can get around it.
Congratulations.
You're now a bounty hunter.
Mmm.
Okay.
I've set my trap.
Now to scatter my cheese cubes and the rats will come.
Condos! Affordable condos! Bail jumpers welcome! "Bail jumpers welcome.
" That's refreshing, after the cold shoulder we got at the Town Homes at Sterling Point.
Let's not get too excited till we find out if it's in a good school district.
Well, so wait.
Are we telling people now? Stop! In the name of a private citizen with no connection to the law! Now are you gonna come quietly, or do I have to (SCREAMS) Now let's think about this.
If you shoot me, I won't be able to stop you and you'll be free to go.
But someone may come after you.
Probably not, given your reputation for shooting people who come after you.
What I'm trying to say is, not shooting me now would be the biggest mistake of your life.
(SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) (GROANS) Huh? Bullet-proof glass.
Flanders? Yep.
I'm just replacing the front window of my store, which was broken in the riot.
Young man, what would your mother say if she knew you were shooting nice people in the brain? She'd say that year off from Princeton was the worst decision I ever made.
Well, son, if you take responsibility for your actions, this could be the start of a better life for you.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I should just (SNAKE GASPING) This case is in the bag! Homer, you could've killed him! I sure could've.
Thanks to you.
Now I can clearly see potential customers walk right past my store.
Enjoy your shopping elsewhere.
Hey, Ned.
I brought you something.
(HOMER CHUCKLES) - What the - It's your share of the money for bringing in that bail jumper.
Ned, I never thought I'd say this, but we make a great team.
Us? A team? As the salad said to the soup, I'm all mixed up.
We should be bounty hunters together.
You're kind and smart.
I'm cruel and strong.
Together, we're nothing.
But together, we're the perfect bounty hunter.
Well, I could use money.
But you have to promise me something, Homer.
- Sure.
What is it? - We have to do everything by the book.
And you have to promise no "diddilies" or "doodlies.
" My friend, you have a dealaroonie! Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Marge, your talent with cakes is a rare and precious thing.
Well, thanks.
But I've been wondering.
Why do you only have me make spheres, rods, and half-moon shapes? (NERVOUSLY) Well, Marge, I'll tell you, (DOOR OPENING) Right after I talk to these customers.
(CHUCKLES) We're going to a bachelorette party for a really naughty girl.
Yeah.
We need something tasty and tasteless.
I've got just the thing, courtesy of my newest baker.
Freshly frosted ass cake.
(BOTH MURMURING EX CITEDLY) Oh, my God.
This is an erotic bakery! BOTH: Mmm.
Delicious.
Now what do you have in the way of a suggestive cannoli? We have quite a selection.
- (LAUGHS EX CITEDLY) Yes! Oh, boy.
- I'll leave you with the book.
How could you not tell me this is an erotic bakery? Marge, calm down.
For as long as there's been baking, there's been erotic baking.
It fills a need and harms no one.
(SCOFFS) Harms no one? Explain that to Well, what about I think you forgot about My number-one customers are married couples, your friends and neighbors.
I just made a custom order for the Hibberts.
It's an exact replica of the good doctor's - I don't want to know! - It's not what you think it is.
Good.
- It's his penis! - That's exactly what I was thinking! Marge, this is a valuable public service.
Without your baking, people like me will be forced into back alleys, repurposing Ho Hos and Ding Dongs.
You have a great gift.
Don't let it go to waste.
Well, okay.
This Taser is awesome! Finally, a practical use for electricity.
Dear Lord, thank you for creating so many evil criminals for us to bring in.
And also, thank you for my partner Homer, who Did you just Taser my coffee? Just warming it up.
Now to melt the cheese in this croissant.
And get rid of a little excess earwax.
(GRUNTING) And smoke a relaxing cigar.
- Homer, can we take it easy on the Taser? - No problem.
- (GASPS) Our first bail jumper! - Let's roll.
(TASER VIBRATING) Homer, take the Taser out of your pants.
No, it looks cool! (ELECTRIC A VENUEPLAYING) (SINGING) Boy! Boy! Down in the street there is violence And a lots of work to be done - MAN: Who's there? - Bible salesman.
No place to hang out our washing And I can't blame all on the sun, oh no We gonna rock down to Electric A venue And then we'll take it higher Oh, we gonna rock down to Electric A venue And then we'll take it higher Workin' so hard like a soldier Daddy's home! I brought you kids some stuff from work! Here you go, son! Shell casings! Whoa! There's still bullets in some of these! Point them away from your sisters when you hammer them.
Yes, sir! What'd you get for me? Something for the sweetest little scientist in the world.
A new chemistry set! - Dad, is this from a meth lab? - The biggest one in town! This is evidence.
Evidence that I love my little girl.
Marge, I brought you some flowers.
A full dozen this time! No tricks.
Homie! I got you something, too! A sterling silver picture frame with pictures of our kids in it.
Yes, for now.
I guess things are working out pretty good at your bakery job.
Maybe we could order one of your cakes for Lisa's birthday.
- How dare you? - What'd you do that for? Sorry.
Sorry.
Muscle spasm.
(MARGE LAUGHING) I'm not convinced.
Still on the fence.
Now I believe you.
He'll be here sooner or later.
(HOMER HUMMING) So how about a little stakeout music? (CHUCKLES) Homer, I don't think we have the same musical tastes.
Well, I like AC/DC.
I like their Christian cover band, AD /BC.
(SINGING) Kindly deeds done for free Kindly deeds Done for free Kindly deeds done for free Kindly deeds and they're done for free Kindly deeds and they're done for free I've never seen anyone eat pizza like that.
You gotta try it! This way the pepperonis stay intact until they reach your stomach.
Then bam! Man! That's harder to swallow than evolution! You've gotta roll it from the point.
Here.
Let me show you.
- Not bad.
- Now let it unfurl in your stomach.
(EX CLAIMS) There he is! (GASPS) (TIRES SQUEALING) Kitten whiskers! There's one thing he didn't count on: My reckless indifference to human life! Lord, in your mercy, could you give my friend a stroke? Seymour, those string beans were cooked to perfection.
After twenty years, I am finally starting to like you.
Just wait for dessert, sir.
I made it with you in mind.
Outstanding.
I'll just shut my eyes and let you place it before me.
(GARY EX CLAIMS IN SHOCK) AGNES: Seymour, what's going on? I'm coming down there! Quick! We'll have to eat from each end.
We'll know we're safe when our lips meet in the middle.
(BIG TONY SCREAMS) Homer, you can't drive a car onto a subway.
You need a special sticker just to bring a bike! Have you no respect for the law? Hey, it worked, didn't it? Okay, smart guy! You're going in the bag! (GASPING) Wait.
I left a sandwich in there.
(BIG TONY GASPS) Homer, no.
You promised.
Everything was supposed to be by the book.
You know what your problem is? You haven't become as bad as the people we chase! This partnership is over! I'll tell you what's over: This partnership! You know, if you'd take your foot off the accelerator going downhill, you wouldn't use so much gas.
(SIGHS) I can't take another word out of you.
(HOMER GASPING) I can't believe Flanders dumped me.
Marge, do we have any more of your extra-Iong Twinkies? Oh, no! Those were for Mr.
Smithers' commitment ceremony! Marge, what's going on? (MARGE SIGHS) Homie, I've got a confession to make.
I'm an erotic baker.
(GASPS) I hid it all in the one place you'd never look.
Marge, I could see you withholding sex or withholding cake.
But withholding sexy cake? I know we have to move past this but I don't see how.
Homie, what do you say we go to bed? You, me, and the cake? First, why don't you and I and the cake take a shower? Oh.
(SIGHS) Lucky Jim, I'm out of the bounty hunting business.
Not so fast, Ned.
I got one more bail jumper for you to pick up.
Forget it! I'm turning in my Well, I don't really have anything to turn in.
So that's that! I suggest you call Homer Simpson! This is one jumper that Homer can't catch.
- (GASPS) Homer? - Seems he never showed up in court - on his St.
Patrick's Day arrest.
- Not interested.
All right.
If you don't want the job, I'll just give it to one of these guys.
(CHAINSAW WHIRRING) I'm sure they're all competent professionals.
But you'd best leave it to me.
Hello? Hello? Anybody home? You jumped bail, Homer.
I gotta bring you in.
What have you done to my family? I figured a good time to pick you up was when they were at Lisa's recital.
And how did you know I wouldn't be there? Lucky guess.
Well, you'll never take me alive! Forgot my keys.
(HOMER GRUNTS) (PANTING) - I loved you, man! - For the last few weeks.
But most of the time I've known you, you've treated me like dirt.
You hang onto resentment like a Confederate widow! I forgave you for accidentally killing my wife.
Yeah.
But you hold onto the big things! The point is the more I got to know you, the more I got to like you.
I like you, too.
But you broke the law.
So I gotta bring you in.
So it's gonna be like that, eh? (GRUNTS) (BA TMAN THEMEPLAYING) I got you, my friend.
Thanks.
But what are you holding onto? Well, I'm (BOTH SCREAMING) (HOMER SIGHS IN RELIEF) Now all we have to do is get out before the concrete hardens.
(BOTH GRUNTING) Damn it.
"Lest I come and strike the earth with a curse.
" Thus ends the Book of Malachi.
(LAUGHS) I guess I did know the whole Old Testament by heart.
Out with the Old, in with the New.
Testament that is.
Matthew 1.
"The book of the genealogy of Jesus Christ, the son of David, "the son of Abraham.
"Abraham became the father of Isaac.
Isaac became the father of Jacob.
"Jacob became the father of Judah and his brothers.
"Judah became the father of Perez and Zarah by Tamar.
" Simpson, we're gonna put you away for a long, long time.
Make it life and you've got a deal.
MARGE: Don't feel too bad, Homie.
You'll be free tomorrow.
And I used all my new baking skills to make a special cake to remind you of me.
(CHUCKLES EX CITEDLY) Baby! Thanks, Marge.