The Simpsons s20e06 Episode Script

Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words

(SINGING) The Simpsons D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) Lemonade! Sweet sunshine in your mouth! - Buy a cup or I punch my sister! - It's true! He's not bluffing! Ow.
Maybe we should put a dollar in the jar, prime the pump.
What are we? A piano bar? (PEOPLE CLAMORING) - I'll take 15 lemonades.
- Make that 16.
Huh? Lousy dog.
If you had your way, I'd walk you every day.
(GASPS) Lemonade! (HOMER PANTING) GIRL: Stop pushing.
Six cups, please.
And put it on my tab.
Keep moving, deadbeat.
Cash only.
Fine.
Lemonade's for babies, anyways.
I'm going to Moe's for beer! Have fun drinking your lemonade, babies! (CAR ENGINE SPUTTERING) - Lisa? Can Daddy borrow your bike? - I guess.
(GRUNTING) (MOANING LOUDLY) (SIGHS IN RELIEF) - Hey, Moe.
Give me a - Homer, shush.
We're watching Krabappel try to break up with Skinner.
Seymour, I have something difficult I want to say to you.
I understand.
It can be very difficult for a woman to propose marriage.
- But I am willing to go halfsies on a ring.
- Seymour Excuse me.
Any of you lugs want to break up with my boyfriend for me? I'll buy you a beer.
Seymour, Edna asked me to talk to you.
Splendid.
Shall we discuss music or the weather? No.
This is about you.
Edna wants to break up.
- She wants to break up? - Yeah.
- With me? - Yeah.
Look at it this way.
You're a free man, unlike me.
You have all your hair, unlike me.
No kids tying you down or a crippling mortgage that you refinanced at 26% because a dancing Internet cowboy told you to? (CRYING) Oh, God, I hate my life.
(SOBBING) Gee, compared to you, my life is one big half day.
Exactly.
You're good-Iooking.
You have a decent job.
What Ionely widow wouldn't consider you an option? Thanks, Homer.
I don't think the school pep squad could've cheered me up more, and they were state runners-up in 1997.
(WHISTLING) Homer, that was amazing.
He actually felt better coming out of the breakup than he did going in.
Say, Homer, you're real good at this.
Think you could dump my girlfriend Doreen for me? Doreen, she's cheated on you with everyone.
Well, except for me.
And I've showered her with gifts, fancy soaps and massage oils and what have you.
Here she comes.
Work your magic, Homer.
- Is Lenny here? - I'm afraid Lenny's dead.
What? I just talked to him.
And you will again because he isn't really dead.
Now this next piece of news won't seem so bad.
- Lemonade! We want lemonade! - Lemonade! We want lemonade! Don't worry, folks.
Our master chef is stirring up a fresh batch.
Stop that transaction! I'm a part-time field agent with the Springfield Department of Commerce! - Great gig.
- It is a great gig.
May I see your vendor's license? I think it's We don't have one.
Can't be mine.
Must be yours! I don't care if it's 45 cents, I don't want it.
Submit this form to the license bureau.
Until then, this stand is closed! Boys! - Geez, I'm thirsty.
You got any lemonade? - Not anymore! (LISA MUMBLING ANGRILY) (PEOPLE GRUMBLING) Come on, come on! I was halfway through an operation when my license expired.
I'll get to you just as soon as I finish this crossword puzzle.
- Come on.
- Let's go, buddy! I left bananas in my car! Let's see, 10 across, Franklin Roosevelt's middle name.
Excitement! Wait, that don't fit.
(ALL GRUMBLING IN FRUSTRATION) Maybe you could use some help.
FDR's middle name, Delano.
Oxidized surface, well, that's rusty.
- Bartenders serve them "dirty.
" - Ham sandwiches! - No, martinis.
- Oh, right.
One more word.
Singer of Yentl.
13 letters! I got it! Isaac Bashevis.
Now give me my license! Give everyone their license! (CHEERING) What is a four letter word for hero? - Hero! - Yes.
But I meant Lisa.
- Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! - Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! (TELEPHONE RINGS) - Y'ello? - Homer? It's your old roommate, Grady.
The gay guy? That's not all I am! Well, it's a lot of what I am.
Anyhoo, I heard how good you are at breaking up couples.
I need your help to break up with Julio.
Because I met someone new, someone much more cool and refreshing.
Uh-huh.
Got it.
Marge, I'm going to a hardcore gay club and I won't be home till 3:00 in the morning! MARGE: Have fun! (CHUCKLES) Ay, caramba! Bart, I've fallen in love with crosswords.
It finally happened.
You've gone completely fruit loops.
Froot Loops! That's the answer to 38 down, Toucan's delight.
- No.
I mean you're loco in the coco! - Cocoa! Ice rink drink.
- You're losing it! - Losin'It! Risqué '80s teen flick.
- Fine! Go nuts! See if I care! - Eye care.
Optician's concern.
Thanks for your help, Bart! BART.
San Francisco people mover! Speaking of San Francisco people mover (DANCE MUSIC PLA YING) Grady is breaking up with me? You'll always have a special place in his heart.
In his what? Oh! Oh, baby, you are the breakup king.
You have made the seven minutes that I'm gonna go without love so much more bearable.
Anyone else want me to get rid of that special someone? Okay, everyone.
Rotate one to your right.
- Guess what, Mom? I'm a cruciverbalist! - Another religion? You know, you're just gonna drop the whole thing when you go to college and get a Jewish boyfriend.
Probably.
But a cruciverbalist is a fan of crossword puzzles, which I am.
Me, too! I've been doing them since 1958.
Back then, we called them alphabet hotels 'cause every letter gets its own little room.
I still do the Springfield Shopper puzzle every day.
Let's see there Grampa, everyone knows that the only real test of skill is the New York Times puzzle, edited by Will Shortz.
"Will" and "Shorts," two things I'm no longer allowed to change by myself.
Okay, back to the real world.
- Isn't it beautiful? - Sure is.
- Who's driving the bus? - What bus? (KIDS SCREAMING) HOMER: Sweet Conclusions Breakup Service.
Oh, yes.
We dispose of your loved one humanely, thanks to our patented Tenderdump system.
I'll be there in 30 minutes or your breakup is free! (BLUES MUSIC PLA YING) (SINGING) I'm leaving you, baby With my clothes in my hand Farewell to you, baby Get yourself a monkey man I'm leaving With my clothes in my hand Farewell to you Get yourself a monkey man (LISA HUMMING) Simpson! What in the blue blazes are you doing to my hopscotching grids? I made them into a crossword.
Well, I'm a bit of a puzzle-head myself.
They help me wind down after a day of dealing with Skinner! - You called? - Made reference.
My mistake.
Lisa, I think you might be ready for this.
"Bald Man's Basketball League"? Sorry.
Wrong flier.
I meant this.
"Citywide Crossword Tournament"? Thank you! You're welcome.
Now I have to go home and make sure my pool boy is using his skimmer! - You called? - You misheard.
My mistake.
Marge, if I had $100 for every customer I'd broken up, I'd have exactly this amount 'cause that's what I charge! (LAUGHING) Homie, I'm not sure about this new business of yours.
You're making it too easy for couples to break up just because they hit a rough patch.
I know this is hard on you.
But in time, you'll come to see it's for the best.
That's one of your breakup lines! What would've happened if there was someone who could break us up every time I had my doubts about you? (MARGE SNORING) (BOTH SNORING) Who are you? We are the spirits of the relationships you killed.
(SCREAMING) We're the babies those couples would have had.
And we're the antiques those couples would have bought together.
Get him, chairs and babies! (SHOUTING) Homie? Marge, I'm getting out of the breakup business, and I don't know if I'll ever sleep soundly again.
Well, maybe Wow.
So this is what this is.
Cruciverbalists from far and wide have gathered here for a no-holds-barred test of skill.
- Surely some holds are barred? - No, none.
Well, it sounds really exciting and you're a delightful young lady.
Now if you'll excuse me.
Hey, what's going on? It's kind of a secret, so shut the door most of the way.
We found a way to make this tournament interesting.
We bet on the matches.
Really? Well, I did bring this envelope full of money.
And these days, betting in a bar is safer than any stock, bond or real estate investment.
Agreed.
So who are you gonna bet on? I want you to put it all on my little girl.
And parlay with the Asian kid.
He has a name, you know.
- What is it? - I don't know.
He's not my kid.
I win! She won! And like any prudent gambler, I know when to walk away Never! (SINGING) Dah pretty ladies around the world Got a weird thing to show you So tell all the boys and girls Tell your brother, your sister And your mama, too 'Cause they're about to go down And you'll know just what to do Wave your hands in the air Like you don't care Glide by the people As they start to look and stare Do your dance, do your dance Do your dance quick Mama, come on baby Tell me what's the word Word up Everybody say When you hear the call You've got to get it underway Word up Okay, everybody.
Take a break.
Dad, I could actually win this thing.
And when you win, I win.
(CHUCKLES) I'll explain that to you on your deathbed.
My only fear is, I always sabotage myself when I'm on the verge of happiness.
- You what? - In my young life, I've seen that every time I'm about to achieve true happiness, some little piece of me says, "You don't deserve this.
" And another little piece says, "I agree.
" Right, right! But will it happen this time? With my luck, I bet it will.
It's practically a sure thing.
Hmm.
(EX CLAIMS) Contestants to your boards.
- Wish me luck! - Just be yourself! I want to change my bet.
I'm going against my daughter! (ALL GASP) I'll take your money, but I won't look you in the eye.
Fine.
I won't look you in the eye.
- Have I made the bet yet? - I got it.
We're down to our final two contestants.
But before they compete, we would like to pay tribute to all the words that have been removed from the dictionary in the past year.
(SOMBER MUSIC PLA YING) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) You know, my wife, Shirley, she's the real crossword ace in our family.
Fills in those letters fast as hail on a tin roof.
Ping-ping-ping, she's done.
Shirley passed away two years ago.
But I'm still not over it.
- That's so sad.
- Hey, what can you do? Life keeps changing the music, but you gotta keep up the cha-cha-cha, huh? (BUZZER SOUNDS) Let's see.
I'll spread some Q's around.
That'll get my brain going.
I dropped my glasses! Oh, Shirley baby, I let you down.
(SOBS) Hey, there are no lenses in these glasses.
Let's see.
That's Enrico Fermi.
And there you got the Pet Shop Boys.
And cross the "T" and zing the "z.
" And skit-skat-skoodly, I'm all the way home.
(BUZZER SOUNDING) Lisa got hustled.
I blew it again.
She blew it again! Woo-hoo! Here's your money, drenched in your daughter's tears.
You know, for a bartender bookie, you're awfully judgmental.
(WHISTLING) Boy, Dad seems awfully happy.
And there's something different about him.
He bought new shoelaces with fancy metal tips.
Dad, did you come into some money we don't know about? (GASPS INCREDULOUSLY) - No.
- You got highlights in your hair! The sun did that.
And your car antenna has been straightened and re-balled.
What's going on? Well, sweetie, Daddy made a little extra money betting against you in the crossword tournament.
You'll understand when you're a parent placing large wagers against your own children.
I hope you're not mad.
No, I'm not mad.
- You sure you're not mad? - No, I'm not mad.
- You sure you're not mad? - No, I'm not mad.
Mr.
Teddy, can you ask Lisa if she's mad? What's that, Mr.
Teddy? You're saying that you know women.
And that when women say they're not mad, they're madder than ever? She's gone.
Can you drive me home? I'm a little drunk.
Lisa? Lisa? Lisa, sweetie, please look at your daddy.
You stopped being my daddy as soon as you bet against me! All I have now is a mom.
Which is why I'm taking her maiden name.
From now on, I'm Lisa Bouvier! (GASPS) Hey, Mr.
S, Lisa B.
No! - Would you like to buy some band candy? - Yes! Lisa's mad at me, and now she's using Marge's maiden name instead of mine.
Homer, whatever you done to that little girl, you just gotta do something even nicer to win her back.
She may never take back your name, but there's still a chance she'll take you back as her daddy.
Wow.
Nobody gives better parenting advice than childless drunks.
So the name Lisa Simpson is available, huh? A lot of goodwill attached to that name.
I'm gonna take it.
(TELEPHONE RINGS) Lisa's Tavern.
Lisa speaking.
Lisa, sweetie, I'm honored that you chose my name, but it's not that great.
Back in high school, the boys used to call me Marge Boobier.
Hey, Bouvier was Jackie Kennedy's maiden name.
Really? I never knew that.
Well, what did you think her name was before it was Kennedy? Jackie O! Like SpaghettiOs! I thought that was where her money came from.
Look, why don't you cheer up by doing a New York Times crossword puzzle, huh? I'm through with crosswords.
My innocence died in those 441 little boxes.
It might be a fun way to kill a couple hours.
A couple hours? I can do the Sunday puzzle in less than one hour.
"Couple of hours.
" Last clue, loses on purpose.
Huh (EX CLAIMS) Diet! (LAUGHS) Will Shortz, you clever rascal.
And a new record time! Wait a second.
"Dumb dad sorry for his bet.
" Wow.
It's almost as if Dad planted that message.
No.
It must just be a weird coincidence.
But what if it's not? It must be.
Or mustn't it not? Dad, I know this is crazy, but did you plant a message to me in the New York Times crossword puzzle? Well, I had a little help from this guy.
(LISA GASPS) New York Times crossword editor, Will Shortz! And master puzzle constructor, Merl Reagle! - I actually wrote that crossword.
- And I edited it.
- Now get back to crosswording! - Yes, sir.
Well, I must admit, I'm kind of touched.
"Dumb dad sorry for his bet.
" Nice.
You didn't get Homer's whole message, Lisa.
I didn't? Take a look at the first letters of all the clues.
Dear Lisa, you make me so happy.
Really, really, really happy.
Sorry.
He told me I needed 144 letters.
What was my point again? Oh, right.
Bouvier or Simpson, I cherish you.
Oh, Dad.
(CHERISH PLAYING) (SINGING) Cherish is the word I use to describe All the feeling that I have hiding here for you inside You don't know how many times I've wished that I had told you English - US - SDH