The Simpsons s20e07 Episode Script

Mypods and Boomsticks

(SINGING) The Simpsons (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (BRAKES SCREECHING) SANTAS: (SADLY) Ho-ho-ho.
ALL: (SINGING) O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree - You're on the curb and dead now - You're on the curb and dead now - Your Christmas lights are in the box - Your Christmas lights are in the box In two months we will change the clocks O Christmas Tree, O They sure give the Christmas spirit the bum's rush around here.
And they've already started exploiting the next holiday.
So, young man, have you judged people by the content of their character this year? - Yes, Reverend Doctor.
- Lunch time! Free at last! Free at last! Okay, remember our deal.
Everyone gets to return one Christmas present with no hurt feelings.
I'm returning this kitten calendar.
I'm also returning this kitten calendar.
Kitten calendar.
Hey, those are 15 month calendars! That gives you three extra kittens! That's the last time I get you guys a Christmas present at the last minute.
Man, those are ugly kittens.
Mom! Dad! Our mall got a Mapple Store! It's so sterile.
MyPods.
MyPhones.
A Brainiac Bar.
My question is the following statement.
Operating system 4.
2 has sloppier architecture than a Tijuana anthill.
Did you get peanut butter in your Ethernet port again? No.
I got mayonnaise in the CD drive.
I see you're admiring our MyCube.
It's fueled by dreams and powered by imagination.
- What does it do? - You should ask yourself, - "What can I do for it?" - Okay, what can I do for you? - Please, I'm begging you! - Sir, it's not even turned on yet.
- But it's glowing.
- That light confirms that it's off.
I can't afford any of your products.
But can I buy some fake white earbuds so people will think I have a MyPod? Sure.
Those are called MyPhonies.
And they cost $40.
I'll never get a Mapple anything.
KRUSTY: I hate this MyPod! I can't watch movies on a screen this small! And the music today, don't get me started! I said don't get me started! Come on! Isn't someone gonna get me started? Let's go, Teeny.
Maybe somebody at Old Navy will get me started.
- Here, kid.
You take it.
- Thank you, Krusty.
Don't thank me.
Thank the Jewish Clown Awards gift basket.
I'm a Mapple person! - We're all Mapple people.
- Sorry.
ANNOUNCER: Attention, Mapple universe.
Prepare for a live announcement from Mapple Founder and Chief Imaginative Officer, Steve Mobs.
Steve Mobs! He's a genius! He's like a God who knows what we want! Greetings.
It is I.
Your insanely great leader, Steve Mobs.
I'm speaking to you from Mapple headquarters deep below the sea with an announcement that will completely change the way you look at everything.
(ALL GASP) And that announcement is BART: (ON MIC) You're all losers! Huh? You think you're cool because you buy a $500 phone with a picture of a fruit on it? Well, guess what? They cost 8 bucks to make and I pee on every one! (ALL EX CLAIM) I have made a fortune off you chumps, and I've invested it all in Microsoft.
Now my boyfriend Bill Gates and I kiss each other on a pile of your money! (ALL MUTTERING) Traitor! Your heart is blacker than your turtleneck! (LAUGHING) Who dares question the boss we fired It was my brother, Bart! Flay him with your earbuds! Flay him, I say! MyCube, take me away! (SINGING) Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful Get him! Get him good! Stupid angry mob, chasing me because I shine a harsh light on modern society.
Now I know how Dane Cook feels! (SNIFFS) Mmm.
What's that exotic aroma? Smells like a hamburger cooked at a rug store.
Hello.
Would you like some lamb? Whoa! All these years I've been petting lambs when I should've been shoving them in my mouth! - I'm Bart.
- I'm Bashir.
My family and I just moved here from Jordan.
Jordan.
That's on some map somewhere, right? Bashir, introduce me to your new friend.
Bashir, you didn't tell me you had a sister.
Such a charmer.
Would you like to stay for dinner? Hey, I never refuse food from strangers.
Okay.
You're new to our school, so here's the deal.
We call Skinner, Skin Rash.
Mr.
Wiener is Mr.
Whiner.
And Groundskeeper Willie, Grounds Creeper Stupid.
That's not clever.
And I have so many aspects you can mock.
I'm poor.
I'm dirty.
I can't read or write.
I think movies are real.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Okay, next.
Here's the food at the cafeteria that will make you sick.
Coleslaw, tuna, all chowders and gumbos.
The only thing that's safe is the pork chops.
My religion says I can never eat pork.
A different religion? Do not tell anyone that, because if the bullies around here find out that you're different JIMBO: Who's different? What's your name, sweat stain? - Bashir.
- Bash Here? I love a kid that comes with directions! Okay, Bash Here, tell us where you came from so we can punch you back there.
I'm gonna punch you extra hard because I secretly think you're cute! Whoa! Whoa! You can't just wail on him because he's What religion are you anyway? - Muslim.
- Oh, boy.
You're the reason I can't carry toothpaste on an airplane! Ow! Look, guys.
Everyone's different.
Jimbo, you're Christian.
Dolph, you're Jewish.
And Kearney, your family's in that cult Moe started.
I had to join.
My mom's doing the savior.
- I mean, the one true Moe.
- You're the one true Moe.
(BOTH LAUGHING) - Help me, oh, mighty Moe! - I can't.
I'm not really a God.
I was just acting crazy to get out of jury duty.
Look at Lisa Simpson over there by herself.
Not talking to us, her best friends.
Do we hate her? - Yes! - Yes! Lisa, we came to tell you that we - Is that a MyPod? - Yeah! I've already downloaded so much incredible music.
Check out Moon Dreams, from Miles Davis' Birth of the Cool.
(MOON DREAMS PLAYING) Or check out this MyTunes exclusive episode of Itchy and Scratchy.
(BOTH EX CLAIM) (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLA YING) (EX CLAIMS) (SCREAMS) Why? Stop! (SINGING) I love the nightlife I've got to boogie On the disco round (LAUGHING) Marge, I installed all the low energy bulbs.
MARGE: What have you done with the old ones? Disposed of them in an environmentally-friendly manner.
(CHUCKLING) (GREETING IN ARABIC) Milhouse is looking good.
He's got contacts, changed color, got a cool new catch phrase.
(GREETS IN ARABIC) Dad, that's Bashir, my new friend.
(DOORBELL RINGS) - Bart forgot this, sir.
- "Sir"? That's the kind of respect you'd have to strangle out of an American kid.
You know, Bart never told me he had a handsome teenage brother.
(LAUGHS) I'm really 38.
Thirty-eight waist I might believe.
Hey, Carl.
Got any idea what direction Mecca's in? Why don't you ask Homer? He ought to know by dint of his son's new friend.
Hey, Bashir's great.
If Derek Jeter married Mariah Carey, it wouldn't last, but I bet they'd have a kid like him.
Homer, this is serious.
This Bashir kid is Muslim, and therefore up to something.
Well, I can't believe that till I see a fictional TV program espousing your point of view.
All right.
For the last time, Fayed.
Where did you hide the nerve gas? Under your Statue of Liberty's dress! And she loved it! Oh, my God.
What can I do? Well, if you want to stop Bashir and his war on American principles, you could discriminate against his family in employment and housing.
Yeah, that's pretty patriotic.
But I got a better idea.
Invite them over.
A little dinner, a little dessert.
Then you Jack Bauer them into giving you all their secrets.
(ALL CHUCKLING) I guess I have no choice.
Homie, it's very open-minded of you to have Bart's Muslim friend's Muslim family over.
Here's the plan, Marge.
You keep them talking.
I'll be listening and quietly judging.
(DOORBELL RINGS) The doorbell will tell you when they're here.
So, how did you two meet? We met while studying at Jordan University of Science and Technology.
Interesting.
Why just the other day, I was reading that science is used to make bombs.
Now bait the trap.
Why don't I get us dessert? I made us a little cake.
Care to cut? Watch this, Lenny.
Not now! I got soap in my eyes! No.
Thank you.
What's the matter? Don't like the taste of freedom? Dad, these people are my friends.
Don't fear them just because they have a different religion, a different culture and their last name is bin Laden.
Young man, you do not respect us by disrespecting your father.
- I like the way you Italians think.
- Shut up, old man.
I think it is time for us to go.
That's it! Ruin a perfect evening! You're teaching Bart a terrible lesson of intolerance! I'm sorry.
It's just so fun and easy to judge people based on religion.
Well, I want you to go over to their house and apologize.
But we're the more powerful country for a few more years.
Okay.
I'll apologize.
Don't eat that, sweetie.
It's poison.
"I am sorry I suspected you of being soulless murderers of innocent children.
"I hope we can move past this and" (GASPS) Dynamite? They are terrorists! Must leave quietly.
So far, so good.
Marge, I was right! Everybody is whatever I think they are! I saw them unloading dynamite! Homer, I'm sure you didn't see anything.
Go to sleep.
All right, sweetie.
But if I wake up tomorrow, we'll discuss it.
Hi, Homer! You rubbed.
You must like me! You really, really like me! Good morning, Ramadan! Come to Crazy Fayedi's! Our prices are Hussein! Here's Genie! - Now do Flanders! - No.
Now I will destroy your decadent western society.
No! Usually that ends the dream.
The power of dreaming has convinced me the threat is real! (DOORBELL RINGS) Delivery for Lisa Simpson.
(GASPS) It's a gift from Mapple! Such beautiful packaging.
I never thought a company could be my soul mate.
It's my first MyBill.
$1,200? But I only downloaded 1212 songs.
I gotta prove the genie was right.
Off to work.
Sometimes I wish you would quit that awful business.
But I love blowing up buildings.
Oh, my God! Safely and legally in order to make room for new buildings.
Darling.
I think you're working much too hard.
Yes.
I am killing myself.
But it is all for the profit.
And after the explosion, I will be in a better place.
That corner office with the downtown view.
Oh, it's you.
What do you want? I want to apologize for being such a jerk at dinner.
And I thought the best way to do that would be to come to your house and poke around.
Mr.
Simpson, I accept your apology.
Goodbye.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! I read somewhere your people are hospitable to guests.
- Is that true? - (SIGHS) Yes.
- Praise be Oliver.
- That's Allah.
We'll look it up in the Corona.
So, now that we're alone, death to America, right? - Homer, why are you really here? - Look at that! We're out of almond paste! Don't get up! I'll grind the almonds myself! A computer.
I'm in.
(READING) They're gonna blow it up! Homer, I don't hear almond grinding.
Just listen! I'm grinding them now.
(MIMICS GRINDING) Ow! My finger! Here comes the ambulance! (MIMICS AMBULANCE SIREN) My, you're a handsome fellow.
Just get in the ambulance, Mr.
Simpson.
We'll see to your finger.
Why, thank you.
(MIMICS AMBULANCE SIREN) My finger! Everyone, get out! Run for your lives! Run for your Stay where you are.
Bart! Boy, don't blow up this mall.
It has the cookie store that gives free samples! I can't believe your dad gets paid to blow stuff up.
Actually, Bart, my job is about math and engineering.
Every calculation is to make sure the explosion is safe.
- Did you factor in one bald idiot? - No, I USA! USA! USA! Dad, it was an empty building.
It was supposed to come down.
- What about the bridge? - That was supposed to open tomorrow.
Do we really need a bridge there? The Duff brewery is on that island.
I'll save you! (HOMER CHUCKLING) That banner has really paid for itself over the years! We accept your apology.
Lisa, add another name to our Christmas card list.
(WHISPERING) Next to our Jewish friends.
Where is Lisa? She said something about the bottom of the ocean and "be back in a month.
" ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Mapple headquarters.
The cost of this journey will be added to your bill.
Come on.
Come on.
Yes! Sixteen million results! Mr.
Mobs, there's a surface dweller here to see you.
MyTunes user Jazzgal62.
Lisa Simpson.
Send her in.
Lisa! It's insanely great to see you.
Mr.
Mobs, I sort of downloaded too many songs onto my MyPod, and I don't have the money to pay for them.
And do you think you could consider a reduced payment plan? I'm sorry.
I know our posters say, "Think differently," but our real slogan is, "No refunds.
" (SNIFFLING) Can't you open your Mapple menu and click on the "compassion bar"? Oh, please? Lisa, how would you like to work for Mapple? Would I ever! Think differently.
Think differently.
Think differently.
(SIGHS) Think differently.
English - US - SDH