The Simpsons s20e11 Episode Script

How the Test Was Won

(SINGING) The Simpsons (CROW CAWING) (MUFFLED SCREAM) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (BARNEY BELCHES) (HORN BELLOWING) (LENNY SHRIEKS) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (EX CLAIMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (BRAKES SCREECHING) Ohhh! (ALL SCREAM) (ALL SIGH IN RELIEF) - Three, two, one Happy New Year! - Of school! - What are you doing? - It's the first day of school! (HOMER LAUGHING) - You're the government's problem now! - BOTH: Yeah! Free at last, free at last! I can't believe we have to start another year of school.
I never learned anything at that suck shack.
- Who taught you that language? - A kid at school.
So you did learn something.
Homie, the insurance bill is due today.
Can you make sure to mail it? Absolutely.
Insurance is the greatest deal ever.
If I get hurt, I get paid.
And, man, do I get hurt! (SCREAMING) Easy.
(MUFFLED SCREAMING) Oh! What is it? Not again! ALL: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! (LAUGHING) What a week.
Welcome to another school year.
One important note.
The flower-based names of the reading groups are now barnyard-based.
Mr.
Becker has protested the move.
So his group will remain the Daffodils.
Yeah! Where are my Dils at? ALL: (CHANTING) Go, Dils.
Go, Dils.
Go, Dils.
I never tire of that.
One other announcement.
At the end of the month, we'll be participating - in the Vice President's Assessment Test.
- He stinks! - We're assessing you, not him.
- Withdrawn.
The VPAT is part of the federal government's No Child Left Alone Act.
It will be a rewarding day of pencil sharpening and eyes on your own paper keeping.
Cut the horse bull, Seymour.
Your scores on this test will determine how much money this suck shack gets for years to come.
So we will spend every moment of the next two weeks drilling the questions and answers into your soft little skulls.
BOYS: (SINGING) Shy is to gregarious GIRLS: As peaceful is to bellicose Okay, children.
The answers to the standardized test fall into 12 basic patterns.
Repeat after me: Accaca, dabacca, accacaca.
- Accaca, dabacca, accacaca.
- ALL: Accaca, dabacca, accacaca.
Number two: Dacacca, adada, badacad.
- Dacacca, adada, badacad.
- Dacacca, adada, badacad.
Biggest city in Montana! - Helena? - Wrong! - 912 divided by six.
- You can't teach this way! Yes, I can! Studies show it works.
- Where were these studies conducted? - Ball State! So when you take your practice test, take your number two pencil and What kind of pencil do we take again? Number two.
Take a number two.
(ALL LAUGHING) Looks like you took a big number two.
Yes, quite so.
As you can see, I'm holding a big number two in my hands.
Enjoying the weight and feel of it.
(MURMURS IN DISGUST) (LISA HUMMING) (LISA WHOOPS) Test day at last! Now I can show off at the federal level! Hey, Bart, on the practice test yesterday, what did you pick as the best title for the paragraph about Manifest Destiny? Slurp my snot.
(GASPS) I wrote "Slurp my snot" in the ovals on the answer sheet.
True story.
Dad! Bart's throwing away his future! Oh, no! Now who will sell oranges on the off ramp? (HOMER LAUGHING) (BART LAUGHING) (SIGHS) Great jokes make me hungry.
I wonder what's in the pantry? (HOMER MUNCHING) HOMER: Wait a minute.
Mmm-hmm.
Wait a minute! (HOMER HUMMING) Bart, we need to talk to you about your practice test.
(GULPS) I warned you.
You got a perfect score.
(SEYMOUR CHUCKLES) (BOTH GASP) Wonderful job, son.
Just stellar.
- How did I do? - 96.
- What did I get wrong? - Several answers.
Several? That's more than a few and almost a bunch! Bart, because of your superior intellect No, but wait! I aced the math part, right? Because I Run along now.
(GRUMBLING) Bart, you and the other perfect-scoring superstars are exempt from taking the actual test today.
- No test? - Don't be too disappointed.
We are throwing you a pizza party at a bowling alley.
- Well, it's about time.
- Come.
Your helicopter awaits.
(BAND PLAYING GONNA FL YNOW) Check it out! Bart's a superstar, too! - Bart's here! - Awesome! Wait a minute.
This ain't no genius copter.
This is Con Air! (SEYMOUR LAUGHS) Take it away, Willie! (WILLIE LAUGHING EVILLY) WILLIE: Enjoy your flight! Brilliant plan to remove all the underperformers for test day, sir.
Yes.
All of them.
Why, Seymour, it seems I left my sunglasses on the bus.
- Well, I'd best retrieve them.
- Yes, yes, you'd best.
- Sir? - So long, superstars.
I can't believe it.
Superintendent Chalmers betrayed me after all the wrapping paper I bought from his daughter.
- Pizza party! Pizza party! - Helicopter! Helicopter! - Stop it! All of you! - What's the matter, superstar? Feeling sorry for the normals? Don't you get it? There is no pizza party! This isn't a helicopter! - No pizza party? - Not a helicopter? Huh? (OTTO HUMMING SUPERMAN THEME) Let me explain this to you in terms even the simplest will understand.
We're hiding you in Capital City for the day so your numbskullery won't drag down the test scores of the children who are our future.
- Told you.
- Will there be other numbskulls there? - Sort of a numbskull Olympics as it were? - Let's all act stupid! (ALL BABBLING) Guys, guys! Save it for the competition! Mmm.
- ID, please? - Must be in the glove box.
(HOMER CHUCKLES) Huh? This was due two weeks ago.
I'm not insured! (GASPS) For the first time in my life, I'm financially responsible for my own actions! - Uninsured! Uninsured! - MAN: Idiot! I'm not in good hands! I'm in no hands! Like a bad neighbor, no one is there! (CRYING) "Dear stupid insurance company, "I meant to mail this on time.
"What do you mean, 'too bad'? "Screw you! Heh heh.
" (HUMMING) (GASPS) (SHRIEKS) I won't be insured until 3:00! Okay, until then, I have to avoid any serious injuries or accidents on my property, or I'm ruined! D'oh! No, you don't! (EX CLAIMS WITH SATISFACTION) Now I know some of you may suffer from test anxiety.
Here's a helpful hint.
Imagine each question is a baby chick.
If you answer wrong, the chick dies.
(ALL CRYING) Shut up.
They would've died anyway.
Now the test will begin in five, four, three Oh, my God.
We should've begun four minutes ago.
Go, go, go, go, go, go! LISA: You can do it, Lisa.
There's nothing in the room but you and the test.
(CLOCK TICKING) (SCRIBBLING) (CRACKLING) (GRATING) (THUMPING) (RATTLING) Focus.
Pride is to downfall as overconfidence is to What? They're all equally valid.
But that can't be.
In life, everything only has one answer! (MILHOUSE HUMMING) Piece of cake, huh? Oh! I'm writing on my shirt! Hey, Seymour.
I just realized something.
You're stuck babysitting us losers, which makes you the real loser.
(ALL LAUGHING) For your information, I am not a loser.
I am a successful principal who paints houses in the summertime.
You painted our garage, and it was peeling by October.
Your dad insisted I use an inferior primer.
ALL: (CHANTING) Loser, loser.
Excuse me, Mommy.
I have to go potty.
(SIGHS) Otto, can you pull over? Pull over! Sorry.
I was mesmerized by the little boy's dance.
(RALPH WHIMPERING) (SINGING) Yo, I'll tell you what I want What I really, really want So tell me what you want What you really, really want I'll tell you what I want What I really, really want So tell me what you want What you really, really want - Ralph, are you almost finished? - I finished before we came in.
(SIGHS ANGRILY) All right.
Now we can get back on the bus and on (SEYMOUR SCREAMS) (THIEF LAUGHING) All aboard? Hey, Skinner.
Want to see our impression of you? Well, I guess I could use an affectionate homage.
(ALL BABBLING) All right, stay calm, boys.
Oh, God! We're at the corner of Cesar Chavez Way and Martin Luther King Blvd! BART: Ay, caramba! Homie, what are you doing home so early? Marge, I won't bore you with the truth.
All I can say is that until 3:00 p.
m.
We must avoid all accidents and injuries or we're all going to the poorhouse.
You mean "back to the poorhouse.
" Fine.
"Back.
" And we can't let anyone else get hurt on our property.
I don't want anyone to ever get hurt.
Me, too, baby.
But we gotta get real.
We can discuss it later.
Right now, while you're here, you can help host my book club.
Book club? That's the most stupid, boring thing ever! Thank you! (HOMER HUMMING CHEERFULLY) Now I would never say a bad word about Cletus and Brandine, but I hear he's been feeding slop to another woman's pig.
(EX CLAIMING) (HOMER GASPS) (SHRIEKS) (SCREAMS) I've been cleaved! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! We're totally liable! (BOTH MOANING) Yeah.
I mean, no! LISA: Maybe I should just move on to question two.
Question two, using what you learned in question one (LISA SCREAMING) Lisa, like Captain Kirk, I'm not supposed to interfere.
But like T.
J.
Hooker, I say what is on my mind.
If you don't know the answer, just guess.
(WHISPERING) This test penalizes guessing.
It does? All right, nobody guess! Just be right! Get down on your knees, pray to your God, and ask him No, demand he tell you the answer! And if he won't, he is no God of yours! (ALL GASPING) What's your plan now, skin rash? My name isn't skin rash.
It's Principal Skinner.
- And you will address me as such.
- Sure thing, Such.
I'll deal with your insubordinate wordplay later.
My first duty is to get you boys to safety.
And that's Where's Ralph? (FOGHORN BLOWING) I'm playing with Elmo! (CLOCK TICKING) Okay.
I just have to keep these tipsy witches safe for 10 more seconds! Van Johnson was never half the man Van Heflin was.
(AGNES GRUNTING) Knife! (GASPS) (CRYING OUT IN SLOW MOTION) (HOMER GRUNTS) (SCREAMS) (GASPS) (SIGHS IN RELIEF) (GRUNTS) (SCREAMS) (THUDS) MR.
BURNS: Apaches! Mr.
Burns! Why do terrible things always happen to wonderful people at 3:01 p.
M? Which, for the record, is the correct time.
(MUFFLED) So, plans for the weekend? Marge, are you mad I forgot to send in the payment? No, sweetie.
At this point in a marriage, a wife should know what her husband can do and what he can't.
Who was I to think you could mail an envelope? Baby, I hope you got snuggle insurance because I'm about to file a claim! (FOGHORN BLOWING) (RAT SQUEAKING) Bart, do you have your slingshot? - No, sir.
- I see it in your back pocket! - Just don't stretch it out.
- I was once a boy, and like all boys You like all boys? Ha-ha! Shut up! A child is in danger under my aegis.
Ha-ha? - Run, Ralph! Run! - Okay! Time to do what I've never done as principal.
Something! (PANTING) - Skinner's spazzing out! - I'm not spazzing out.
I'm using the principle of conservation of angular momentum to turn the container! BOYS: Oh! That is so cool.
That's the kind of stuff they should teach in school.
SEYMOUR: We do teach it in school! You're too busy eating sugar snacks and horsing around! - He's right.
Learning can teach you things.
- Education rules! (CHILDREN CHEERING) (PIANO PLAYING) (CHEERING) "But I reckon I got to light out for the Territory ahead of the rest, "because Aunt Sally she's going to adopt me and sivilize me, "and I can't stand it.
I been there before.
" That book was awesome! ALL: Uh-huh.
Next stop, Springfield Elementary! Skinner! Otto! Bullies! The "cowabunga" kid! And the wee nitwit! It's so good to see you all! All done.
And I've got two minutes to take care of these stray marks.
- Well, that's it.
- Uh-huh.
The test is almost over.
And I haven't done a thing.
- I've blown my whole future.
- Right.
(SIGHS) Well, maybe it'll be more fun to be a regular, average, stay-at-home This test is a joke! Huh? Skinner? Today I received an education in how children really learn.
By seeing their principal run around on top of a shipping container.
So children, put down your answer sheet and drop that number two.
(ALL LAUGHING) Yes, I know what that means.
I've learned so much today.
This is my school, and I'm throwing out the test! (ALL CHEERING) Hooray! I'm a brainy outcast again! And finally, effective immediately, I'm overturning this school's ban on dancing! (FOOTLOOSEPLAYING) Kick off your Sunday shoes Please, Louise Pull me off of my knees Jack, get back C'mon before we crack Lose your blues Everybody, cut footloose Footloose Kick off your Sunday shoes Please, Louise Pull me off of my knees Jack, get back C'mon before we crack Lose your blues Everybody, cut footloose