The Simpsons s20e12 Episode Script

No Loan Again, Naturally

(SINGING) The Simpsons RALPH: I see stars! (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) Bart! (HORN BELLOWING) (LENNY SHRIEKS) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (EX CLAIMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (TIRES SCREECHING) (ALL EX CLAIMING) (HOMER SCREAMS) (COUCH SNUFFLING) (SINGING) O Mardi Gras, O Mardi Gras You see a lot of boobies Boy, where are my zydeco records? There's twelve more boxes and they all sound the same.
I know they do.
But the Simpson Mardi Gras party has been a tradition since two days before you were born.
And we spare no expense! What about my birthday party? This counts as that.
Ladies, how are you doing with the float? Fine.
But I wish you'd picked an easier theme than Super Jet Dinosaur Fun Monkeys.
What does that even mean? Homie, every year this party gets a little bigger.
I'm afraid it's growing out of hand.
Hey, Homer, I have some distant relatives that I never see except for this party.
- Can I bring them to the party? - No problem.
Just so you know, some of them act like they hate America.
But what they really hate are Americans.
(GROANS) Marge, lighten up.
Even Grampa's enjoying himself.
(BAND PLAYING LIVELY MUSIC) I officially declare this private party in some guy's backyard open! (ALL WHOOPING) (MOBILE PHONE RINGING) It's my wife! Everyone, pretend this is a trade seminar in Zurich.
(ALL MUTTERING INCOHERENTLY) I can't talk now, dear.
It's 4:00 in the morning here in Zurich.
I Oh, right.
We came together.
(PLAYING CHEERFUL MUSIC) HOMER: Hey! There you go! Eat my food! Drink of my drink! Put your coat on my daughter's bed, I command you! Your majesty, did you remember to invite Ned Flanders? (GROANS) As the worm said to the plate of spaghetti, I Fine.
I'll invite him.
But he has to wear the outfit I choose.
Hey, Flanders.
Listen, we're having a party.
(VOMITS) - I noticed.
- So, anyway, if you're not doing anything, and it looks like you are, you're welcome to stop by or not! (MOANING) Well, Homer, maybe I could use a break from the old weed and feed.
Man, you really are into me, huh? What are you? Some kind of talking dog? Sure.
(BAND PLAYING WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN) Three, two, one.
It's Ash Wednesday, everybody! Set down your gins and confess your sins! (ALL BOOING) (BELCHES) Homer, I always wonder, how can you afford this party year after year? Because I have this magical thing called a home equity loan.
I borrow all the money I want and the house gets stuck with the bill.
(CHUCKLES) Sucker.
I'm not sure that's how it works.
Fine, Mr.
Skeptical.
Give me back your beads! - But But But - Beads, please.
Homie, do you know anything about this? Marge, don't worry.
It's like when we stopped paying the phone bill.
They stopped calling us.
In fact, everyone did.
I think we should go see our mortgage broker.
Oh, man.
Who'd think the first day of Lent would be such a bummer? (DOG BARKING) Let's see here.
A balloon payment, not understanding the contract fee (HUMMING) And here's your new monthly payment.
(BOTH GASP) That number's so big it has a comma.
- Wait.
I left out a zero.
- Listen, you! When you gave me that money, you said I wouldn't have to repay it till the future! This isn't the future! It's the lousy, stinking now! Now calm down.
This country takes care of its middle class.
Now, don't be sore at the banks.
Hell, we fired our CEO and he barely got out with $50 million.
That poor man.
Is he okay? Well, as okay as you can be in the north of France.
Now here's a free tip from me.
Learn to make soup from rocks and grass.
And what will I cook that soup on? Come on, Marge.
You got the sun.
You got hobo fires.
I can't do all the work for you.
(GROANS) (MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY) I worked so hard to make this house into a home, and now somebody else is just going to take it.
Marge, I'm so sorry.
Why are you here? You already own a home.
Hey, our au pair has to live somewhere.
This crap shack makes your guest room look like Winter Palace.
I know.
I know.
But Bernice wants you out.
Don't worry, honey.
We'll come out ahead.
I ripped all the copper wire out of the walls.
Did you remember to disconnect it first? Did I what now? (YELLS) (SOBS) I know I shouldn't get too attached to a building, but that's where Lisa took her first step.
The kids' height, Homer's weight.
(SOBBING) This is so hard because I always thought Mom was the strong one.
She is.
Look.
(SOBBING) Goodbye.
D'oh! For sale, 742 Evergreen Terrace, detached single-family dwelling.
Now who will start me off? - Anybody ever get murdered in this house? - No.
Thank you for your time.
$100,000.
Sir, what exactly do you plan to do with this place? I need a place to store my cufflinks.
Let's go, kids.
I can't watch anymore.
I have $100,000, going once.
Going twice.
$101,000! (ALL GASPING) Pass.
I've already lifted this thing once today.
I'm not Hercules.
Sold! Okay, folks.
Hand in your paddles.
Round ends together, please.
Round end What is this? Randomly-tossing-your-paddle day? Ned, you bought our house.
- Why? - So I can rent it back to you.
Just pay what you can till you get back on your feet.
Ned Flanders, I can't believe what you doodily-did for us.
Well, as the ocean said to the dirt, I appreciate the sediment.
And on the zillionth day, God created hugs! And it was good! Come on, kids.
Let's take our stuff back inside.
(HOMER STUTTERING) Better let me go first.
I left a little surprise upstairs for the new owner.
(EX CLAIMING ANXIOUSLY) (SINGING) For he's a fabulous Flanders Which nobody can deny He saved our ass Okay, everyone, squeeze in! (CAMERA CLICKS) BART: Evil triumphs again.
(BART LAUGHS) Ow! (LAUGHS) (MARGE HUMMING) Homie, the faucet won't stop leaking.
No problem.
Just let Sir Fix-A-Lot slay this chore.
Next problem.
Say, Homer, why don't you let me take a peek at that leak? Ned, please.
You're our guest.
Well, actually, as your landlord, repairs are my responsibility.
I'll just get my tools.
Try her now, Marge.
Hot comes out of hot.
It's like I'm dreaming.
Thank you, Ned.
- Well, I guess I'd better be - Do you have time to look at a few other leaks, faulty wires and dangerous mold conditions? (SIGHS) Well, as you are my tenants, I'll see what I can do.
Well, let's see what else is in the job jar.
It's so beautiful.
No two are exactly alike, though many of them are very similar.
(HUMMING) (EX CLAIMS IN DISGUST) (EX CLAIMS IN EX CITEMENT) I'm back, baby! (GROANS) It's irresistible! You ask him to do something and he does it.
He's like a genie.
When I was putting new insulation in your attic, I slipped on this lamp, and really banged my head.
So unless you have anything else for me No, no.
I'm just happy I can finally serve this cake.
(MARGE READING) (TELEPHONE RINGS) - Hello? - Ned, I think we have a gas leak! Well, sorry.
I just had my glass of warm milk, which means I am closed for business.
- He won't come over! - He what? Flanders, landlords like you are the scum of the earth! You lounge around in your Ed McMansions and we never see you unless the rent check's late! The rent check is late.
Some friend you are! The minute you become our landlord, you expect us to pay rent? You'd better just pray I don't find out where you live! Bart! Don't forget to turn the chicken.
People like Flanders make me sick.
If I was Marge's landlord, I'd fix her pipes and I'd shower her with flowers and take her on a romantic getaway to the South Seas and I'd never return.
Yeah, you'd treat her right.
Well, here's how you get back at Flanders.
You go to the media and you get them to expose what a horrible person he really is.
Oh, right.
Like Dateline did to you.
Yeah, three times.
The last one was nominated for a Peabody, whatever that is.
This is Kent Brockman with a Channel 6 exclusive, '"The Evil Ned.
'" a tiny slice of suburban heaven.
But like dating an actress, what seemed like heaven soon turned to hell.
HOMER: (DISTORTED) We live in a house that is trying to kill us.
- Hey, Dad.
- I Who is this "Dad" you speak of, Lisa Simpson? - You want a cookie, Dad? - Yes.
Squeaky stair here, scary portrait there.
Poltergeist in the closet.
(IMITATES GHOST) I died when Homer sat on me.
Why you little I'm the victim here! (HOMER GRUNTING) So who is responsible for these outrages? The man whose side of the story we didn't even bother to get, Ned Flanders, the worst person who ever lived.
(DRAMA TIC MUSIC PLA YING) Let's see what else is on.
Oh, this is good.
Homer Simpson, I took pity on you, and what do I get in return? A kick in the kadiddle hopper! (LAUGHING) Kadiddle hopper! It's not funny.
That's how I swear.
Fine.
You're mad.
What are you gonna do about it? When the month is up, I want you out! Fine! I'll get another neighbor to buy the house and let us live in it.
We won't do it! Your leaving is our Christmas! Flanders, you wouldn't throw us out on Christmas, would you? (GRUNTS ANGRILY) (HOMER IMITATING GHOST) What? Who is that? It is me, Jesus.
I have come from my workshop in the North Pole to say, don't evict the Simpsons! Say, Jesus, what was the name of the son of Zachariah? It was Do you have a computer nearby? He's nailing something to our door.
I wonder if it's theses.
That's gross.
Homie, I think it's an eviction notice.
We're gonna be homeless like Lucille Ball in the Stone Pillow! Don't worry, Marge.
According to this chapter book, we have a secret weapon.
"Evictee will be granted a stay of eviction "if said household includes a resident aged 65 or over.
" Finally, a practical use for my father.
Whee! I'm gonna live like a human in a real house.
- What's the catch? - I'm using you.
- For what? - My own devices.
All right.
Tell the world what you saw here.
I'm gonna miss putting makeup on him while he sleeps.
ATTENDANT: I've already moved on.
(GROANS) Hey, Flanders.
You can't evict us because a senior's living here now! (LAUGHING) You're never too old to ruin things for the young.
(HUMMING HAPPILY) Will you kids knock it off! I'm trying to watch badminton! Dad, we've been trapped in the house for days.
Can't we play outside? Yeah.
Without the sun, my hair is reverting to its natural red.
I don't want to be called Rusty again.
I don't! You know, it says here that Grampa has to remain in the house, but we don't.
How about a family outing? Family outing? I'll start.
Lisa's gay! Right.
'Cause I wouldn't want to be gay like my heroes, Billie Jean King, Susan Sontag, Sappho of Lesbos and, I suspect, Peppermint Patty.
Well, I guess we could take a quick walk.
We'll keep Grampa occupied with this DVD of Dwight Eisenhower talking about golf.
EISENHOWER ON TV: Now, when I've got a downhill lie, I like to swing wide, just like Patton did when he swung past Kesselring's boys in the Ardennes Forest.
Let's watch.
(MACHINE GUNS FIRING) This is what I call living in the past.
So after I paid for the ice cream cones, I said thank you and was on my way.
We know, Dad.
We were there.
(CHUCKLES) I know it seems that way because I'm such a vivid storyteller.
Now here's another story called "Bart's Mistake.
" We were walking home when (GASPS) How could this have happened? Because your father lives with me now.
Flanders feeds me people food! Well, I can't compete with that.
Oh, my God.
We're out on the street.
(SOBBING) Honey, don't cry.
It could be worse.
At least it's not raining.
See? I told you it's not raining.
So we're just homeless.
Kids, if you get lost, remember where we are, and 100 beds from the crazy guy.
CRAZY GUY: Probably the best I've ever seen although he stole the idea from Amelia Earhart so I hate this place! The clothes they gave us are the clothes we gave to charity last year.
There's a lesson here.
Life is fickle.
You should appreciate every Stop kicking, Bart! But kicking is the only toy I have.
That's not true.
You have bug bites you can scratch.
This is the lowest we've sunk.
CRAZY GUY: That's the answer! Pawn to king's bishop four! You two are the kind of tenants every landlord dreams of.
Excellent credit.
Christian but not Baptist.
And let's see, according to your application, you only have sex for procreation.
If that.
Well, now I'll just put my John Hancock on the dock and you can give me the key to the lock.
My ballpoint's all clicked up for you.
No, thanks.
Don't believe in borrowing things from the neighbor.
Lord, you said love thy neighbor, but you didn't have to make it so easy.
What you got there, Wolfie Goldberg? Who's this? That's just a family who used to make my life interesting.
I'll just add my initials there.
(SINGING) For he's a fabulous Flanders There.
Which nobody can deny And there! Exciting.
(SNIFFLING) - Folks - And leased! I'm afraid you can't live here.
Roger Dodger.
Back in the car, Nance.
Yay! But why? Well, the people who lived here before weren't always the best neighbors, but I love them.
And you can't be a saint unless you live among the lepers.
- I hope you don't mind.
- And I hope you won't mind when we sue.
I think you should.
The court papers will be a great way to stay in touch.
Well, hasn't this been a peach of a breach? (LAUGHING) We'll see you in court.
Flanders, I promise I'll never abuse our friendship again.
- It's okay if you backslide a little.
- Never! Hooray for stupid Flanders! The Simpsons are back! I really hate this neighborhood.
English - US - SDH