The Simpsons s20e16 Episode Script

Eeny Teeny Maya Moe

(SINGING) The Simpsons D'oh! (BRAKES SCREECHING) (SCREAMS) (DISGUSTEDLY) Hmm.
(CONTENTEDLY) Mmm.
(CROWD CHEERING) ANNOUNCER 1: Oh! You hate to see this.
I love to see this! Now the other players are joining in.
ANNOUNCER 2: Uh-oh! Someone could lose a tooth! (GURGLING) This is no time to pat the bunny, Maggie.
Daddy's watching a very important Mid-Atlantic Hockey League Conference semi-final do-over game.
ANNOUNCER 1: As we enter the seventh amazing overtime, the members of Sesame Street on Ice wait impatiently to begin their matinee performance.
Hold the Black Label, Mabel! The Utica Mohawks'Pete Mavroudis has broken through the 'Topes defense! Stop them, Babando! He winds up for the shot and Delacroix slides in front! You're supposed to be spending time with your daughter! I will when it's not sports season! I just want to know how the game ends! And this game is over! Unbelievable! You'll never see anything like that again! So that will do it, from Wayne Buckhorn, Jean-Pierre Petomane, and me, Don Jacque LaLonde, here at Utica 's Kill-Kwik Rat Poison Arena! What's the score? Now stay tuned for Picking the Perfect Apple.
It's already in progress.
D'oh! The score, damn you! Once again, today's final score - Yeah? is already in the books.
Good night! Oh! I will never know the score! (SOBBING) You want to know the score? I'll tell you the score! Marge.
This is a definite high point for our marriage.
Here's the score, mister.
- Yes? - Your daughter barely knows who you are! That's ridiculous.
Who's your daddy, Maggie? Who's your daddy? - He is pretty good with her.
- Oh! (GRUNTING) Hmm.
(HUMMING) Look, Marge! It's just what you want, me spending the day with Mugsy.
Maggie! Marge, you're not naggy.
You just set the bar impossibly high.
Can you at least bring a sweater for Maggie? Impossibly high.
Now, let's get started on the greatest daddy /daughter day ever! (HUMMING HAPPILY) Hmm? Hmm.
(SCOFFS) Not even heated up.
Typical dog.
This is it, Maggie.
The place where Daddy goes every morning.
Now, you learn your numbers from these billiard balls while Daddy gets happier and happier and then sadder and sadder.
- Moe, what are you doing? - I'm spiffing up the place.
Jeez.
Can't a guy clean his bar for the first time ever without people making polite inquiries? Huh.
I got a window here.
Ooh! Hey, Maggie could play out there while I watch her from in here.
What do you say, Maggie? Ah! Her first enabling.
HOMER: Hi, Maggie! CARL: Up here, beautiful! - LENNY: Yo, Mag! - It's me, Uncle Barney! Remember? I taught you your ABCs.
(SINGING) A, B, P, K R So, I suppose you guys are still wondering why I'm cleaning the bar? (EX CLAIMS) - Hey, Maggie! Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! - Hello, Maggie! Hello, Maggie! Hey, Maggie! Maggie, look at my face.
(CLEARING THROAT) It all began about a month ago.
It was a typical Friday night.
Me surfing the net at the public library with occasional drinking fountain breaks.
Ah! Just how I like it, warm and rusty.
(LAUGHING) Ooh! I couldn't believe it.
I finally found an intelligent, sophisticated woman who hadn't heard any of my knock-knock jokes.
"Orange who?" All right, Moe.
Give it a punch line, nice and easy.
Orange you glad I didn't say banana? The gargoyle has landed! "You're funny.
" Very nice.
Now how can I put this? "Are you sure you're not actually some creepy guy in a public library?" "No.
How about you?" (CLEARS THROAT) "Actually, there is a much creepier guy right next to me.
" You know I'm a woman! We used to own a cat together! She had babies! Here's yours! (SHOUTING) MOE: I would do anything to chat with Maya, short of actually purchasing a computer.
We decided to take the next big step, exchanging photos.
Okay, this is it.
I finally get to see what she looks like.
Darest I click on this jpeg? No! I daresen't! Yes, I darest! So, what did she look like? ALL: Whoa! Yeah, she was a knockout.
Which meant I was screwed because now I had to send her a picture of me.
All right, before I send this, I'd better un-beady the eyes, de-Neanderthal the brow, smooth out my hate lines, lighten up the ear hair, switch my lips, then black tie the whole deal.
I can't build a relationship on a lie.
The lies come later.
She thinks I'm cute! O frajulous day! Callooh! Callay! (LAUGHING) So, that's why I'm cleaning things and flushing things, and making this place look respectable.
(SNORING) She's coming to meet me here, tonight.
(RINGING) Moe's rat-free tavern.
Heya, Marge.
Yeah, yeah, Homer's here.
You want Homer? I'm sorry, I thought you meant Himmler.
Heinrich Himmler.
You know, the guy who invented the Heimlich manure.
Those are two different people! Well, they're both here.
And neither one is your husband.
This press conference is over.
Oh, Maggie made some new friends.
Aw Burrowing your head into your daddy.
A sign that my baby is happy and confident.
(HUMMING) Ah! Yeah! Okay, she said she'd be here at exactly 8:00.
You calling my girl a liar? (CAR SCREECHING TO A STOP) (DOOR OPENING) Okay.
I've been stood up.
Moe, I'm down here.
Oh! You're a little person.
I'm No, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
- What's the correct term? - Little person.
(CHUCKLING) Look at me being polite! So, aren't you gonna invite me in? Of course.
I just have to I have to tidy up the place.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Just one sec.
Oh! Yeah, that's better.
So, Maya, have you always been this size? Or is this like a Benjamin Button deal? (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) No.
I mean, it's just your picture made you look more life-sized.
That was taken at LegoLand.
I was afraid you'd be disappointed in the real me.
What? Are you kidding me? You're the best thing to come into this bar since cable TV.
And unlike cable TV, I ain't stealing you from the Chinese restaurant across the street there.
I see you watch ESPN2! I know! Yeah, that's great there, Ling Chow.
- So, you still want to go out? - That's why I'm here.
- Great.
Let me get a car seat.
- Car seat? Yeah.
I took out the passenger seat to save gas.
But I'm gonna use it now because we're gonna do the town! So, instead of getting a new bar sign, I saved 300 bucks by changing my name to Moe.
Moe! You eat alone again tonight, huh? Table for one, facing the wall! Whoa, whoa.
Not so fast, garlic press.
I'm here with my date.
(GASPS) She's beautiful.
But so far away.
(KISSING SOUNDS) Mmm.
You're a good kisser.
Yeah.
I practice by siphoning gas out of other people's tanks.
But I never tasted super premium that was half as good as you.
Oh, Moe.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
(LAUGHS) (HUMMING HAPPILY) How'd your date go, Moe? Incredible.
I've never felt like this before.
It's like my heart wants to do her.
ALL: Aw - So, when are we gonna meet her? - I can't wait until you guys get to (LAUGHING) (CAR HORNS BLARING) Yep.
That's what we'd do.
Let me ask you guys something.
How would you treat a person who's generally dynamite but in some way a little different? - You mean like how we treat Homer? - Because he can't remember limericks? I can, too.
There once was this guy from an island off the coast of Massachusetts Nantucket, I think it was.
Anyway, he had the most unusual personal characteristic, which was Uh Um (ALL LAUGHING) He can't win.
Look at him struggling with the simplest rhyme.
It's A-A-B-B-A, dumb ass.
(SOBBING) (NECK CRACKING) HOMER: There you are.
(BABIES WHISTLING) Aw Innocent babies whistling nonchalantly.
How sweet.
Maggie will be back to play with you tomorrow.
Come on, Maggie.
Have some grapefruit.
She seems upset.
Maybe if I lay down a beat on my bongos, that'll soothe her.
Dad, do you have any idea what's gotten into Maggie? How would I know? You've been spending so much time with her.
I have not.
Oh, right.
You think I do.
Hmm.
ANNOUNCER: When you leave your children, do you really know whom you're leaving them with? Your little angels are safe with me.
Enjoy your second honeymoon.
You wash me unmentionables! And you, preheat the oven for two children at 450! (LAUGHING EVILL Y) ANNOUNCER: When you can't be there, Prying-Eye Surveillance can! We take images from your camera, scramble them, beam them to our orbiting satellite, unscramble them, then scramble them again, then unscramble them that all-important final time.
Our competitors claim we scramble our images too much.
We say, can you love your children too much? The only thing better than Prying-Eye watching your children is you watching your children.
And we know that's not gonna happen.
Hmm Wait a second, Marge.
Do you really want to use your baby as a tool to spy on your husband? - Yes, you do.
- I wasn't talking to you.
When you say it, it's not just in your head.
This is where I live.
So is there a knob, or an "open sesame" type deal or what? My house is over there.
You didn't actually think I lived in a tree, did you? No.
Hey, no Hey, a lot of people live in trees.
Tarzan, the Berenstain Bears, flood victims.
(SIGHING) (SINGING) Umpa-lumpa, we are so small (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Why should I be watching anything when I could look at the most beautiful thing in the world? - You'se.
- Me's? That's right.
Kiss the troll and win a prize.
(LAUGHING) Yeah.
Listen, there is one thing that keeps bothering me.
Is it my religion? Because I am a snake handler, but not an observant one.
If we have kids, they just have to have a ceremony with a cobra by age three so their grandfather will be happy.
No, that's fine.
It's just that I can't help wondering why you've never introduced me to anyone you know.
When your mailman waved to us, you made me hide under that traffic cone.
Well, I do know this one couple, the Simpsons, I believe their name is, that ain't too judgmental.
She's a stand-up dame and he's a fall-down drunk.
And, well, we'll make a double date of it.
Now let's get back to what we were Hey, what's going on? Whoa! You turned into a doll! I just do that to freak people out.
(GIGGLING) (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Oh! (DOORBELL RINGING) Here she is, Homer, the wonderful girl I've been telling you about.
Pleased to meet you.
Perhaps this is inappropriate, but I have a mechanical question, while the kids are out of the room, that I can't help wondering about.
(MURMURS WORRIEDLY) In a nuclear power plant, just how is nuclear energy turned into electricity? Well, if I remember my high school physics, the controlled nuclear reaction creates steam, which powers a turbine.
Man, oh, man, slap a ring on that.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) All right, Homer.
Let's see what my baby's been up to.
Here we are, Maggie, that park you love.
Mmm.
Marge, Moe and Maya are here for our double date.
Oh.
Okay.
I'm coming.
See you when the moon comes out.
That made me thirsty.
For you.
- She's beautiful, Moe.
- Yeah, she sure is.
Hmm.
Here comes ours, honey.
Would you look at me? I'm the happiest bartender in the world.
Sorry, fellas! Maya, there's something I want to ask you.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) I don't know why I'm so nervous.
This makes more sense than anything I've ever done.
Well, other than keeping all my Netflix movies and saying the post office lost them.
Anyway Will you marry me? (GASPS) Are you asking me to be your little woman? (LAUGHS) Well, as long as you don't mind having a small wedding.
(BOTH LAUGHING) We can drink champagne out of an acorn top! (LAUGHING) Our first dance will be on the head of a pin, there.
(LAUGHING) I've been hogging all the good ones.
All right, now you go.
But, hey, keep it short.
(CHUCKLES) What's the matter, doll? We were just having fun.
I stopped having fun about 10 jokes ago and you just kept going.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me, kitten I mean, cat I mean, tiger I mean, saber-toothed tiger.
I mean - I think you should go now.
- Okay.
I screwed this up pretty bad.
And I'm sorry.
How long do you people remember things? Get out.
(MOE SOBBING) Guys, after all the years I've given you advice, now I need a little advice from you.
We never follow your advice.
The one time I did, I went to jail for three years.
You made some good friends, didn't you? Just because you're chained to a guy don't make him your friend.
To-may-to, to-mah-to.
Now, how am I gonna win Maya back? Well, if I've learned anything from romantic comedies, is that you gotta make a grand reckless gesture.
The kind that looks like it might blow up in your face.
But what if it blows up in my face? With your face, who cares? You gotta make me shorter, Doc.
(LAUGHING) What do you mean? I mean, take out bones, guts, whatever you gotta do to make me a micro-Moe.
What you're asking is completely unethical.
No licensed physician would perform that operation.
Now close your eyes.
And when you wake up, you will be a woman.
No, no, no, no, no! I want to be shorter for a woman.
Uh-oh! I mixed you up with the last guy.
(SCREAMS) I look nothing like Julie Newmar! Mmm.
Mmm-hmm.
(EX CLAIMS) - Maya is gonna love the new me.
- Moe, why did you do this? Well, I ain't done nothing yet, but I'm considering it.
Because I want to share your world forever.
Moe, if you have to be like me to love me, then you're not seeing the real me.
I see you, Maya.
I see you every time I look at the moon.
I see you in puddles after it rains.
I see you in the glazed eye of a barfly who's had one too many.
(SIGHS) So cut me down to size, Doc.
And could you wrap up the bones so my dog can have fun with them? But, Moe, I don't want someone who sees me as short.
I want someone who just sees me as beautiful.
Goodbye.
(MAYA SOBBING) (SIGHING) Okay, no more delays.
I've got to watch this.
(GRUNTS ANGRILY) (GASPS) I'll save you, Maggie! (GROANING) I'm telling! (GROANING) Now what? (EX CLAIMS) Sweetie, you saved me.
Well, I promise that wherever you go in this world, I will always be there for you.
Maggie, I love you from the tip of your toes to the bow on your hair with the red blinking light.
God bless your mother for making you with me.
(SNIFFING) What you watching, honey? - Homer Simpson, you are a strong finisher.
- And I'm good at beginnings.
(SIGHING) (HUMMING HAPPILY) - What's the matter, Homer? - Not a thing in the world.
Yeah, I wish I could say the same.
Moe, this is a great thing for you.
You went from sitting on the sidelines to getting in the game.
Sometime when you least expect it, you realize that someone loved you.
And that means someone can love you again.
That'll make you smile.
(SIGHING) Hey, Homer was right.
Who'd have thought such a little woman could make me feel so big? English - US - SDH