The Simpsons s20e17 Episode Script

The Good, the Sad and the Drugly

(SINGING) The Simpsons (MUFFLED SCREAM) (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (HORN BELLOWING) (LENNY SHRIEKS) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) (HONKING) (EX CLAIMING) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (BRAKES SCREECHING) (ALL SCREAMING) (WHIRRING) - Did you unscrew all the Phillips heads? - Check.
- Did you unscrew all the flat-heads? - Yep.
And now we wait.
(SCREAMING) (SNORING) (BOTH LAUGHING) Now go hide the evidence while I walk around saying, (GASPING) "What happened? Who would do such a thing?" I'll return these to the shop room.
What's left of it.
(GRUNTING) Skinner! - (SHUSHING) Don't tell him I'm here.
- I know you're there, Skinner.
I'd recognize those discolored Hush Puppies anywhere.
(LAUGHING) Hear that? He thinks my Try 'N Save brand Shush Mutts are genuine Hush Puppies.
(GLASS SHATTERING) We've got the how, we've got the who, but we don't have the why.
Here it is! Hard to believe one lad can cause all this mayhem.
Particularly a lad who failed Introduction to Unscrewing.
(EX CLAIMS IN DISGUST) (CLICKING TONGUE) And I don't buy this Ione prankster theory.
I think there was a second fun man.
And if you don't identify him, you're looking at a week suspension! (SCOFFING) A nickel.
Milhouse, you realize if you're suspended, you'll be missing Taco Wednesday? (GASPS) Crunchy shell, ground beef, lettuce, mild sauce and, of course, shredded Cheddar cheese.
Mmm-mmm.
- I'll never tell.
- Consider yourself suspended, mister.
Willie, take him to the big house where he lives.
Let's go, lad.
Suspended boy walking! - Thanks for not selling me out, man.
- This really sucks, Bart.
I'm grounded and spend all day listening to my dad yell at Mad Money w / Jim Cramer.
You said tech stocks were bulletproof! (HORN HONKING) Look, I gotta go.
But don't worry.
I'll visit you every day.
I promise.
Bart, you're a true friend.
Bye.
Well, I'm glad they suspended Milhouse.
He's a bad influence on you.
You know, I think Milhouse is El Barto.
Hmm.
And now you're gonna visit your grampa while I park around the corner and take a nap.
(UNZIPPING) (SIGHS) So, Grampa, not like I'm anxious to go, but I've been here 10 minutes, which is like seven hours in kid years.
RESIDENTS: Oh, isn't she marvelous? It's her! The little girl who doesn't recoil at the sight of us! Huh? (GASPS) Hi, guys! I brought cookies.
Chocolate chip for Donald.
- Low sodium for Abe.
- Hey! Not made by immigrants for Sam, and imaginary for Major Preston.
(LAUGHS) With this cookie, I can buy back Private O'Malley from the Zulus.
I think it is so cool what you are doing.
So what's the gag? You put ex-lax in the cookies, then just sit back and watch the fireworks? - I would never do that! - Oh, right.
I was thinking of other things that are hilarious.
Like things that you think are funny.
(CHUCKLING) - Yeah, those are funny.
- (LAUGHING) Yeah.
- I'm Bart.
- I'm Jenny.
BART: She had more curves than a Hot Wheels track.
Well, she didn't yet, but she would after puberty.
Oh, my God! How long was I zoned out? Bart, this is my Aunt Belle.
We dress alike.
Isn't that cute? Math, done.
Pinecone, collected.
Permission slip, signed.
Now time for a break, a little social studies.
(LAUGHING) "What will Springfield be like in 50 years?" Let's see what the computer says.
That's horrible.
What else? Oh, my God! (GASPS) It just gets worse and worse! (CHILDREN CHATTERING) So who's the special someone? Jenny, fifth grade girl.
Whoa! She gets to use the real scissors.
Nice.
When she talks to me, I feel like a better person.
Powerful stuff.
You better claim her as your own.
Punch her in her arm.
Or if you're really serious, stick gum in her hair.
Here, I always come prepared.
Take two.
You might get lucky.
- Hey, Jenny.
- Hi, Bart.
Boy, you make it look effortless.
And that kid's giving you zero pump.
Oh.
You know what a girl likes to hear.
Seal the deal.
Punch her.
Punch her! Punch her! Hey, do you want to go on a picnic tomorrow? You'd love my PB & J.
The secret is no PB, double J.
- (CHUCKLES) It's a date.
- Yes! (HUMMING) Willie, I've got a girlfriend! Really? Well, I do, too.
She's a bikini model from Sweden.
Hey, that's great.
(CONTINUES HUMMING) Willie, darling, come back to bed.
Don't you love me? Don't compete with my job, Inga.
You'll never win.
And now Ralph Wiggum will read his essay on Springfield in 50 years.
(CLEARING THROAT) In 50 years, the vacuum cleaner will be quiet and not scary.
Next we have Lisa Simpson.
Oh, Ralph, how I envy your optimism.
There is no Springfield With global warming trapping the CO2 inside our poisonous atmosphere, our super-heated oceans will rise, drowning our lowlands, leaving what's left of humanity baking in deserts that once fed the world! (PANTING) And in the new Nineveh, darkness falls.
(SCREAMING) (THUD) Lisa, your outburst was either a sign of deep emotional imbalance or a passionate response to a sobering truth.
Luckily, the treatment for both is intensive therapy.
What's therapy gonna do for me when the world is in ashes? Oh, I don't know.
But when you go, could you return this Sports Illustrated for me? Someone must've put it in my bag.
They do that, you know? They're always putting things in my bag.
JENNY: So you visit old folks.
How else do you make the world a better place? Uh I (HUMMING) I spend a lot of time working with this mentally challenged guy.
Why, here he is now.
- Looking good, Homer! - Boy.
- He seems pretty high functioning.
- Just wait.
Don't shake your fist at me! Look, man.
I don't want any trouble.
Come on.
Here.
Just take my wallet.
Leave me alone, okay? Do you know who else was really into rowboats? Jesus.
And he could've turned his rowboat into a jet ski, but he didn't.
Good guy.
(GASPING) Cheese and crackers! Look! (DUCK QUACKING) Oh.
You want your duckling back? Here it is.
Psych! (LAUGHING) That'll teach you to match wits with us, you stupid mother duck! Bart, can't you do something? Mmm-hmm! Those bullies are gonna kill me.
Why am I doing this? Oh, yeah.
Please, guys, give me a break.
Can you give me the duckling without beating me up? Well, we'll have to beat you up a little.
- Come on.
I'm trying to impress a girl.
- So are we.
Either the duck suffers or the kid does or none of you's getting nothing from Shauna.
I'm Shauna.
Oh, Bart, if those ducklings understood how magnificent you were, they'd stop biting your leg.
We believe Lisa is suffering from environment-related despair.
(SOBBING) It's even worse when you know it has a name.
Now don't worry.
She'll be fine after years of expensive treatment.
And we have a new drug to combat this syndrome, Ignorital.
Let me show you how Ignorital works.
It turns this to this! Huh? (MURMURING) Lisa's a little young to be taking happy pills.
Marge, we came to an appointment in the middle of the day.
That's the most a parent can do.
- We done here? - Oh, go ahead.
Numb me.
Mom, can I get those dishes for you? (HUMMING) - What's your angle, mister? - No angle.
If this girl I'm seeing comes here, and she might, I wouldn't mind if you told her I was the kind of boy that does the dishes.
Yeah.
Busboys get all the chicks.
(LAUGHING) (BUS HORN HONKING) Well, off to school where they'll prepare our little minds for a future we'll never see.
Sounds like someone's got a case of the Mondays.
(CHILDREN LAUGHING) (ALL SHOUTING) (GRUNTING) I'm going to Dizzyland.
(WHA TA WONDERFUL WORLD PLAYING) (SINGING) I see trees of green Red roses too I see them bloom For me and you And I think to myself What a wonderful world So this is setting the table.
If I'd known how easy this was, I'd have just done it instead of throwing all those tantrums.
Oh, Bart, I don't care that this is just an act.
You've finally become the boy every mother dreams of, a girl! (SNIFFS) You never told me that the special man you were working with is your father.
It's not an easy thing to admit.
Is the rest of your family okay? Well Hello, smiley face.
Hello, smiley face! (CLANCY PANTING) (SCREAMING) CLANCY: (GROANING) Officer down.
(LAUGHS) Jenny, it's amazing what you've done with my son.
(LAUGHS) Well, I think Bart is an incredible combination of Habitat for Humanity and the Jonas Brothers, and nothing can ever change my opinion about him.
(DOOR BELL RINGING) (THUNDER RUMBLING) (GRUNTING) We don't have any money! Go away! May I de-corn your cob, my darling? (DOOR BELL CONTINUES RINGING) Why didn't you come to visit me, Bart? Well, yeah, I meant to.
I've just been so busy.
My schedule's been all like (EX CLAIMING) But what could be more important than your best friend? Who's this, Bart? Oh.
I see how it is.
Actually, I don't.
My glasses are fogged.
(GASPS) Bart, I learned some great new swear words from my uncle.
He has got a broken back, so he's in constant pain.
Bart, would you be interested in swears? Yes, because only by knowing them can you prevent bad little kids from saying them.
What do you want from me? I wanna know why my best friend didn't visit me like he said he would.
Milhouse, real best friends often don't speak for years at a time, like John Adams and Thomas Jefferson.
Just because you saw one episode of one miniseries doesn't mean you get to use it as a whip! Look, man.
I have to keep my dark past hidden.
There's someone new in my life now.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS) BART: Aw.
Oh, I get it.
It's love.
I guess you've found your Abigail Adams.
- My who? - So I'll be on my way.
I can see I'm the fifth wheel on this bicycle with training wheels.
But the next time I see you two, I might not be able to hold my tongue.
(SLURRING) It's really quite difficult.
Reverend, care for some of my devil's food cake? Is that really devil's food? - No.
It's angel food with chocolate on top.
- Mmm-hmm.
I knew it.
Sorry I'm late.
I didn't realize you had to turn the oven on to bake stuff.
So, Jenny, I hear you're religious.
Know what my favorite book of the Bible is? Revelations.
Mine, too.
Bart, we should take Milhouse on our trip to Juice Country.
Are you nuts? Milhouse will spill everything.
By which I mean juice, not secrets.
Yeah.
You guys don't want me there.
But I'm sure we'll see each other soon.
(CRASHING) (MILHOUSE GROANING) Bart, you look tense.
Have a cookie.
(SCREAMS) (SCREAMING) (DON'T WORRYBE HAPPYPLAYING) (SINGING) Don't worry Be happy Don't worry, be happy If you don't stop smiling, you're gonna get a kiss.
(GASPING) LISA: Huh? That's it! We're getting you off the meds! We should be safe from Milhouse here.
Being at sea level gives him nosebleeds.
Milhouse is funny.
The way he's always shaking me by the shoulders and saying I don't know the real you.
Funny.
I'm tired of talking about Milhouse! Hello, Bart.
Surprised to see me at sea level? Well, you can't bleed out your nose when your heart's broken.
Milhouse, could you stop being creepy for just a minute? No.
Jenny, do you see how the dolphin in that tank seems to shy away from Bart? Why might that be? (CHATTERING) Oh.
Jenny, I can't take the pressure anymore.
I have to come clean.
I'm only pretending to be good.
Before I met you, I was El Barto, Skinner's Bane, the Sultan of Spit Wads, the Dean of D-Minus, the Ay Caramba Kid! No, no, no, no.
But now I'm good because you turned me good! Isn't that all that matters? Are you saying our entire relationship is based on lies? Not our entire relationship.
Just the stuff I said.
(SOBBING) I can't believe she dumped me! Oh, son, girls come and go.
But you'll always have your family.
(SOBBING LOUDER) (SOBBING) I know! I know! Hit me again, Pu.
Whatever you are looking for, it is not at the bottom of a 512-ounce cup of Shrek Berry Blast.
What is at the bottom is this dumb Shrek trivia quiz, which if answered correctly, entitles you to 10% off any Shrek DVD, except the first two.
(GRUNTS) Bart, in my concurrent adventure, I learned a really important lesson.
You can't wallow in despair.
Face things as they really are.
You're right! I've gotta straighten this out.
- How much for these roses, Apu? - $10.
Okay, I What happened to my roses, Apu? You said you'd watch them while I shopped.
No such conversation took place.
What am I gonna put on my grandmother's grave? How about this standee - from last year's Super Bowl? - Sold! Grandma, a lot has happened.
I went to a condo presentation.
I put down my deposit.
But then they lost funding mid-project.
That crane just sits there every day, rusting.
I'm so sorry I tried to deny who I really was.
You deserve better.
I'll never hurt you again.
- Can you forgive me? - Oh, Bart, I was born forgiving you.
You've always been there for me, man.
I'll never turn my back on you again.
Punch him.
Punch him! Punch him! Milhouse, what do you say to a makeup prank? (SQUEAKING) Smooth and slippery.
Thank you, Zamboni King.
Happy to oblige.
(BELL RINGING) (SCREAMING) Simpson! Skinner! Cue music.
(THE BLUE DANUBEPLAYING) And cue snow.
English - US - SDH