The Simpsons s20e18 Episode Script

Father Knows Worst

(SINGING) The Simpsons It's dark.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (BURPS) (HORN BELLOWING) (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) (TIRES SCREECHING) D'oh! (BRAKES SCREECHING) (SHOT FIRES) Hot dogs! Not so hot dogs! Cold and droopy! Fried dough! America's worst legal food! Never leaves your body! Wow.
The Truth in Boardwalking Law has really done a number on this place.
Shoot an oversized basketball into an undersized hoop! It's impossible! The prizes have been here for 50 years! HOMER: Ooh.
Oh.
(HOMER WHIMPERS) Maybe we should just check out the street performers.
(VIOLIN PLAYING) Big deal! I could juggle six pins if they let me use a unicycle.
Well, if you think it's too easy, why don't you throw me something else? Are you insane? You can't throw a little boy into my cascade.
Stop tossing kids! (BART LAUGHING) (EX CLAIMS) (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, man.
I love Saturdays.
Man, I love Saturdays.
Finally I can have fun with something I bought for myself, a new water heater.
(GRUNTING) Almost there Five more water heaters and we get a free water heater.
(HUMMING) Huh? A mysterious door? It's like a sauna in here.
It is a sauna in here! It must've been put in by a previous owner.
This house is full of surprises, but this is the first good one.
(SIGHS) I can't wait to tell everyone.
This is great, honey.
Thanks for telling me about it.
I hope you don't mind I invited Lenny.
And I hope you don't mind I invited Carl and Moe.
Yeah, you know, my invitation didn't say nothing about no towels.
So I guess we should all just go Scandinavian, huh? Huh? Maybe I'll keep this to myself for a while.
(SIGHS DEEPLY) Ooh! Lamb kebob! Ooh! Chicken kebob.
Ooh! Fire kebob! - Dad, no! - Dad, yes! (SCREAMS) (PANTING) Water! Thank you! (CHUCKLES) Why you little Burn, Barty, burn! (HOMER SCREAMING) (MOANING) I'm afraid his tongue will be in that cast for a few weeks.
It may put something of a cramp in your lovemaking.
No, it won't.
If he wants me to do something, he'll just write it down.
(SLURRING) What does it say? Is it complimentary? Yeah, sure.
It's complimentary.
It is? Hey, everybody! Check out my compliment! (PEOPLE LAUGHING) (WHIRRING) Now, Homer, how would you like me to remove it? Yanky or peely? Got it.
(SCREAMS IN PAIN) - I held up two for peely! - I thought that was a Y for yanky! I'll make a note in your chart that you aren't always clear.
Well, at least I can eat again.
Cherry.
(SCREAMS) Too much cherry! Lemon! That'll stop the cherry! - Doctor, why is this happening to me? - Well, I do have an idea.
But just to be sure, let's run some expensive tests.
(LAUGHS) The fire burned off your old taste buds, exposing new ones.
(EX CLAIMING IN WONDER) That'll be our Christmas card this year.
Homer, you've become a supertaster.
The mildest spices will overwhelm your tongue.
Even a taco could drive you insane.
(LAUGHING) I can't eat tacos? - Oh, my God.
What day of mayo is it? - Cinco.
(EX CLAIMS IN DISMAY) Try these beets.
I boiled all the red out.
(SCREAMS) I still taste overtones of pink.
Dad, I got the perfect thing.
Mmm.
Hmm It feels like food, but it has no flavor whatsoever.
It's mac and cheese from the school cafeteria, the blandest food known to man.
What else do they got? Tofu cubes, tidy joes, chili con cottage cheese, pecan blandies, cream of steam, you-guess-thems.
Man, who comes up with this stuff? Old comedy writers who now have to work at our kitchen.
The one rule we had on Charles in Charge is, Charles must always be in charge.
- Oh, yeah.
That makes sense to me.
- That's a great rule.
Lunch card.
Lunch card.
- Lunch card.
- Don't have one.
Dad, what are you doing here? Son, from now on, I'm eating all my meals here at school with you! What? No! Come on.
Relax.
I won't embarrass you.
- $3.
85.
- Yeah.
Can I work it off? Don't worry.
I won't embarrass you! I'll start you on Jell-O.
(SINGING) I'm big and yellow and I'm serving Jell-O If you're a fellow and you want some Jell-O You better bellow Hey, big guy! Give me some Jell-O No Jell-O for you, Bart.
It'll keep you up at night, like last week when you crawled into bed with me and Mommy.
(ALL LAUGHING) Sure is hot back here.
And there we go.
Don't worry.
I won't embarrass you.
I used to date your daughter.
Buddy, I'm here to eat, not make interesting conversation.
Dad, do you have to hang out at my school? It's bad enough I have to be here three days a week.
Well! I know when I'm not wanted! - Am I wanted? - No.
Hi.
Homer Simpson.
Mind if I sit near your son? Mine sucks.
Well, we certainly are proud of Noah.
He's a straight-A student.
Noah! State capitals, alphabetical order, on my clap.
Albany, Annapolis, Atlanta, Augusta, Austin, Baton Rouge, Bismarck, Boise, Boston, Capital City, Carson City.
Wow.
He's terrified of you.
That's why I'm here.
To make sure he gets good grades.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You come to school to help him get good grades? Isn't that why we pay public school teachers those enormous salaries? Well, call me over-involved, but someday, your son will be my son's chauffeur.
Well, I hope your son enjoys being driven around by the President of the United States.
Really? Let's see what the future president's doing right now.
(SNORTING) (LAUGHING) (STUTTERING) You don't see many presidents doing that.
Maybe LBJ, you know, at the end.
It's not your son's fault.
It's yours.
You have to hover over your kid's shoulder to force him to succeed.
It's called helicopter parenting.
I don't have to helicopter Bart.
I've got a backup plan called Lisa.
Oh, right.
Your second grader.
Sure she's smart, but how could she be successful if she's not popular? Do you mind if I join you? - Well, that depends.
What are you eating? - Baked potato, side salad, and a Well, we're having cold shoulder.
(ALL LAUGHING) - Is this seat taken? - No.
Go ahead.
Take it.
Take it way over there.
(ALL LAUGHING) Oh, my God.
My son's a loser and my daughter's a Ioner.
Way to go, Marge! (HUMMING) - Marge, where have you been? - Well, I No time! I'll just deduce where you were from a list of possibilities in my head.
That makes sense.
Moving on.
If we don't get more involved in their lives, Bart and Lisa are gonna be failures, - failures who work for Noah! - Noah.
I like that name.
Noah.
New-ah.
Noah.
Aren't you the one who usually worries about stuff? Am I? If Marge doesn't worry about the kids, then that leaves me! Help me, mayonnaise! (HUMMING) Look at all these helicopter parents.
I hope Bart's doing okay on his own.
(VOCALIZING) There's no future in that! Don't forget, children.
Monday is the balsa wood model building competition.
The American Balsa Council will award this year's winner a $1000 savings bond for their college education.
$1000? That's what my house is worth.
Bart Simpson, what will you be making? I don't know.
Time to take control of my son's life.
Let's see.
What can he build? Too obvious.
Gotta be something from earth.
You're no help! Perfect.
"The Washington Monument?" - Washington Monument.
- I like Bart's idea.
- You're not in this class.
- Willie swept me in here.
My mistake.
I did it.
I helped my son.
Helicopter Homer, away! Black Hawk down! Black Hawk down! Lisa, I found this book in the "What's wrong with my daughter" section of the bookstore.
It tells you how you can get popular.
Dad, if I join a clique, I'll be the kind of person I hate.
Sweetie, our country was founded by a clique, the Continental Congress! Dolphins swim in cliques.
Those are my two examples.
Well, they are good ones.
And to show you how this book works, I will demonstrate on some rats.
(EX CLAIMS) Let's try what chapter seven calls "Unsults," insults disguised as compliments.
Hey, Lenny.
It takes a lot of courage to wear suspenders when you're not in the circus.
Well, that's very nice of you Hey! Are you saying my clothes are clown-like? Oh, God.
I feel so insecure.
Please be my friend.
See? It works.
And unsults are just the beginning.
There's also "Envytations," "Hate hugs," "Spamming with faint praise," and Hey, everyone, wanna go get frozen yogurt? - I do - Yeah! I'm sorry, Moe.
I didn't mean "everyone" everyone.
- Hope you don't mind? - No.
That's all right.
(SOBBING) If I didn't sell booze, they probably wouldn't even come here! And that, my dear girl, is called the Toledo Take-back.
Dad, I don't want to hurt people's feelings.
I see.
Well, maybe you're not ready for this book.
- It is more of a big girl thing.
- I'm a big girl! I'm a big girl! (CHUCKLES) One of you said something bad about the other.
- He did? - He did? (CHUCKLES) (HUMMING) Son, you buy an awful lot of airplane glue, but you never buy any models.
Oh, right.
Models.
One Messerschmitt 262, a '67 SS GTO, an Alfred E.
Neuman, with interchangeable arms.
- We'd like some balsa wood, please.
- Enough to build a Washington Monument.
What scale are you using? What cologne are you wearing? None of your business! Now we'd like our Washington Monument to be one-five hundredth the size of the real one.
(LAUGHS) Washington Monument? Aren't you gonna even try? - What do you mean? And who are you? - I'm your son's principal.
And the Washington Monument is the most uninspired model choice there is.
It's like saying, "I don't care.
My kid's a loser.
" But You What's the hardest model there is? That would be, Westminster Abbey.
Attention, parents, children and childless weirdoes, my son and I are going to build Westminster Abbey! (ALL GASPING) - You've gotta be crazy! - Prepare to be frustrated.
You won't get past the north transept! Hey, how hard can it be? All we have to do is follow the directions.
(GRUNTS) Marge, the boy and I will be making Westminster Abbey.
Blabby's gonna build an abbey.
Groovy.
But first, as part of Operation Popularity, Lisa and I are hosting a "Decorate Your Own Cell Phone" party in the backyard.
(GASPS) Britney and Caitlin are here! Where's my spray-on tan? (HOMER READING) Why do I always read the labels after? Ladies, we've got it all.
Rhinestones, stickers, tassels, everything to make those $100 phones look like $5 toys! - Lisa, this party is twisted! - You're fierce! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) I've never been called fierce before.
Strident.
Hectoring has been tossed around.
Let me take a picture of you for my cell phone.
I'll put you on my desktop.
I'm gonna make you my friend on Facebook.
- Please confirm.
- Confirmed! (YELLS) (ALL LAUGHING) I am such a great parent to both my kids.
Hello, little girl.
Who do you belong to? - Hey, boy.
Why don't I do that for you? - Isn't this supposed to be my project? All the other parents are doing it for their kids.
Now stand back and I'll take it from here.
A little further back.
- Do you want me to watch and learn? - No.
That kind of creeps me out.
Must finish Poets' Corner or Bart will work for Noah with his hot mom.
(SNORING) (BELL TOLLING) That's not Henry VII! That's Henry VI! Stupid, stupid, stupid! Homer, don't give up till you finish my dear abbey! Geoffrey Chaucer? What are you doing here? Well, I'm buried here, and I want to tell you you're right to do all Bart's work for him.
It's the best thing for the boy.
That's terrible advice.
Anne of Cleves? What you do for your son, he'll never learn to do for himself.
And where is this delightful boy? Oscar Wilde? Homer, there are only two tragedies in life.
One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
But that makes no sense! Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes.
Shut up! These days, man knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Whatever happened to "boo"? (BELL TOLLING) (MOANING) Now we could smash the real Westminster Abbey so it looks like this.
(GROANS) There are no flights to London till 5:00.
Welcome to Springfield Elementary's Next Top Model Building Contest.
- Kenny, he said your show.
- I watched it once! Now, judges, start your nodding.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm-hmm.
Flawless.
Stunning.
Awe-inspiring.
Meticulous.
Mmm? Hmm.
(WHIMPERS) Skinner! These models are clearly the work of meddling parents.
The only entry that repels my eye enough to be constructed by a student is this one.
Congratulations, son.
At least you followed the rules.
Yes! Yes! In your face, losers! This helicopter is taking off! (IMITATING HELICOPTER) No! Stop the hovering! I didn't make this terrible model.
My dad did.
(ALL GASP) Why can't you guys let us do things for ourselves? In the words of Oscar Wilde, "Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes.
" I saw him, too, Dad.
I'm sorry.
I got carried away.
From now on, the only thing I'll ever do for you is cosign if you want a gun.
Well, at least I made Lisa popular.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) "I H8 this"? I'm sorry, Dad.
These girls are nice on the surface.
But it's hard work staying this shallow.
I hope you understand.
Yeah.
It's clear to me now.
The best thing I can do as a parent is simply check out.
No, there's a middle ground.
- Lisa, a light bulb is either on or it's off.
- Not if you use a dimmer switch.
That's what the dimmer switch companies want you to think.
- What's wrong, Homie? - I tried to fix the kids' lives.
But instead, I led them to rich and rewarding personal decisions of their own.
Well, I know a place in this house where you can really relax.
The mattress the dog sleeps on in the cellar? No.
I gave that to the homeless shelter.
- That was stuffed with cash! - Well, I'll make you forget all about it.
(BOTH SIGHING) - Feeling better, Super Dad? - Oh, yeah.
(BOTH MOANING) (LAUGHING) I feel like I've died and gone to hell.
The Simpsons (ALL VOCALIZING) English - US - SDH