The Simpsons s21e10 Episode Script

Once Upon A Time in Springfield

"Once Upon a Time in Springfield" Excellent.
Don't worry.
I'll put out the flames.
Oops! I used the wrong end.
Hilarious! I don't like this.
Real humor comes from people being nice to each other.
Aw, come on, Marge.
There's nothing funnier than a good old bonk on the head.
- I concur.
- D'oh! Not funny.
Good night kids, and don't forget, Krusty loves you! That's a wrap! And you kids in the studio audience, please hand back all the hats, toys, and savings bonds I passed out during the taping.
Great show, Krusty.
Terrific! We've got to make changes.
Big changes.
These are your ratings with young girls.
Hey, if my writers knew how to appeal to girls, they wouldn't be writers.
First of all, we love being in the Krusty business.
The subtitle: "We don't trust you at all.
" Anyway, we're giving you a new female co-star and she starts Monday.
What?! A new co-star?! Suppose I refuse to go along with this? Then we've got an entire reality show all set to pick the new you.
Hey, hey! I'm non-union! Okay, okay.
Change the show however you want! Make it exactly like the other crap on your network, but just let me stay! Just don't fire me.
Now that's groveling.
Time to try out my new deep fryer.
- Who wants fresh doughnuts? - Me! Me! Me-me-me! And I even got rainbow sprinkles.
Some rainbow there's no violet.
- Then don't have any.
- Hey, don't listen to me! What do I know about rainbows? None for me, Marge.
I get free doughnuts at work.
the pink cardboard box awaits.
Groaning with a "United Nations" of doughnuts: jellies rubbing elbows with cream-filled, the masculine contours of the box juxtaposed with the feminine curves of the treats themselves.
- Why didn't you try to stop him? - I did, once.
No pink box? What's going on? I'm afraid your daily doughnuts are no more.
You.
Can't.
Do.
That.
Until Mr.
Roosevelt's New Deal starts working, this country's still in a depression.
I'm spending a fortune on atoms, and we have to cut costs.
But we have way more expensive unnecessaries than doughnuts.
Yeah, like the ceiling furniture.
Or all the joke ID badges we order.
- No doughnuts! - No! - D'oh! - Nuts! Exactly.
But seriously, hey, hey, kids.
A word about today's show.
The network "geniuses" with the ink still drying on their MBAs think your old pal Krusty should share his limelight with an up-and-coming new star.
Let's give a respectful welcome to Princess Penelope.
Where do I keep my princess-ness? It's not in my jewels or my crown It's not in the smiles of my handmaids three Who hold up the train Of my gown It's the part of me that wants to be The girl whom everyone flatters 'Cause in her heart A princess knows She's the only girl who matters I can't keep watching this dreck.
Much better.
First, girls ruined Sex and the City.
Now this.
I agree it's cliché, but she does have a certain Unicorn! That is so fake.
- You can see the strap on the horn.
- Just give me this! Easy there, Habitrail.
They took away our doughnuts at work.
All I've had are my meals.
And the worst thing is, there's nothing we can do about it.
I think that's the best thing 'cause then you can say, "Well, there's nothing we can do about it.
" Bartender, buy these men a round on me.
You want to "buy a round?" I heard about that in bartending school, but I never seen it happen.
Oh, this is very good for me.
Very good indeed.
Gator McCall.
I'm a headhunter.
I'm a corporate recruiter who specializes in nuclear workers.
I guess these days, headhunters can be anything.
You nuclear workers have no idea how valuable you are.
Times have never been better for your industry, now that all the protesters who marched in front of nuclear power plants are dying off from radiation poisoning.
Are these business cards or passports to a better future? - Those are business cards.
- Nice.
Krusty, thanks to Princess Penelope, your studio audience is packed.
And we didn't need any cardboard kids.
Yeah, but they're all girls.
Girls don't laugh, and they don't buy cigars.
Dutch Masters is gonna drop us like a hot potato.
Hey, hey, kids! Let's see what's in the news.
I see we reached a soft timber agreement with Canada.
We want the Princess! Don't forget the unicorn! Did I hear the sound of wishes being wished? Glitter and sparkle, one, two, three You're all princesses just like me.
Breathin' all this stuff can't be good.
Poor Krusty.
He's become the lowest form of life: a sidekick.
You said it, Bart.
- Way to sum up the situation.
- Take it easy, little buddy.
That's exactly how I'll take it.
Do you want to come in and get your sister with me? Hell, no.
Watch your language.
Now, why the hell not? The Krusty Show sucks now.
It's all pink and princessy.
Why are great things always ruined by women? The Army, the Fantastic Four.
Think how awesome American Idol would be with just Simon and Randy.
Oh, Bart, you say that now.
But when you're grown up, you'll just think it.
Now you stay here and I'll get your sister.
Princess Penelope, sign mine, sign mine! What the?! - Where's all your Krusty stuff? - Right through that magical door.
Ay carumba! Krusty? Snap out of it! You're Krusty the Clown.
One of Look magazine's hundred most-promising clowns of 1958.
A lot of suicides in that group.
Funny suicides, but still.
My day is over, kid.
What are you talking about? Whose name is on that sign? Hey, how'd this one get way over here? That's it.
I've hit rock-bottom.
Well, my comeback starts now.
I mean, now.
Let me start by getting out of the Dumpster.
Oh, why do clown things always happen to clowns? Now other nuclear plants let their employees tape Gary Larson cartoons on their workstations.
But here at Cap City Nuclear, you can actually see Gary Larson.
Gary Larson?! I thought you retired.
I was retired until I got the call from Capital City Nuclear, offering me the chance to be the in-house cartoonist at a nuclear plant.
Gary, why don't you whip up an instant classic for my friends here? You got it, Gator.
Man, a lion would not want to see that on his X-ray.
Where are you? Where? You're not even in Nassau County anymore.
You're in Suffolk.
Look, look, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You're going the wrong way.
Hold on.
Coming! Now see here, Little Miss Scene Stealer, I'm the star of this show.
You're just the reason people tune in.
Krusty, there's something I have to tell you.
No, no! Let me finish: I work like I drink: alone.
Or with a monkey watching me.
Krusty I love you.
That way, if I pass out, he turns me on my side so You what?! I have loved you since I was a 12-year-old girl, in Mineola, Long Island, watching your show.
WDQT? They had this fat, pathetic station manager.
- That was my father.
- Great guy.
I still have my Krusty Klub ring.
I wasn't popular because I was more beautiful and friendly than everyone else, but whenever I looked at this ring, I knew I had one friend.
You know those rings came with a membership card.
That's the one.
Oh, my God.
Please don't tell me I died on the operating table again.
You didn't.
This is real, Krusty.
Welcome to the Krusty and Princess Penelope Smoochie-Poo I Love You Hour.
No laughs, just hugs a cuddles.
Don't worry.
Mr.
Teeny's t a flaming arrow.
Oh, yuck.
This old clown, tee-hee-hee He's as happy as can be 'Cause I got a girlfriend under 33 I walked 19 miles for this? Can't you kids be glad for me? I am her, she is me I'm just like Penelope It's still on in my head It will be there till I'm dead Whether she was competing in equestrian events at the 1976 Olympics or spending her summers at Holyrood Palace, Princess Anne is truly a world leader.
Okay, so far, for "Inspirational Women Day" we've had one Princess Anne, two baby Princess Ingrid Alexandras of Norway, and one Princess Leia.
I'm a Star Wars.
I dot care what anyone says.
Massages are relaxing.
Now if you boys sign up with Cap City Nuclear, you'll get weekly massages, plus free sushi right through the face hole.
Sir, I have some unsettling news: three of our workers are being poached.
The heart of our tug-of-war team.
No.
No, this is our year.
How can this be happening? Sir, I'm afraid your doughnut-cutting measures, ***whe reasable, were perceived as draconian.
Comparing me to old Draco, eh? I'll have to do something about this.
I was a parched little seedling Until you were watered with love Love, love, love, love, love.
Stop the music! Thank God.
I'm sick and tired of this woman - Yes! - not being married to me.
Penelope, will you be my princess bride? Krusty, yes! Yes! That's it.
Game over.
Is it, Bart? Is it? What are you talking about? A wedding is a complex thing, Bart.
It's so easy for something to go wrong.
Milhouse Van Houten, will you do me the honor of ruining Krusty's wedding with me? Oh, Bart, this is all happening so fast.
Let's call my mom together.
Good-bye, power plant.
I'd better get out of here before I have a meltdown.
If I hadn't had to work in you, we might've been friends.
So long.
Oh, right.
Gentlemen.
- Please don't leave me.
- Sir, I'm afraid it's too late.
Oh, I imagine Cap City's been wooing you with trips to the seashore, a Christmas goose, Spanish lemons, folderol I can't afford to match.
But please, accept this little going-away present.
You can't win us back with mere doughnuts.
Oh, but these aren't just any doughnuts.
These doughnuts were made the old-fashioned way: the dough is sweetened with Cuban sugar from pre-Batista plantations, then it's deep-fried in the tallow of three different animals, two of which are now extinct.
That is the most amazing doughnut I've ever tasted.
Well, if youtay on at the Springfield Nuclear Plant, you could have one of these tasty beauties every day.
One of these every day might kill us.
Can we get a health plan to go with them? Sure, you can have a health plan or two doughnuts a day.
Move over, Brangelina.
Take a back seat, Queen Latifarod.
Because today belongs to "Krustelope.
" This is the 15th marriage for Krusty, and the first for "Princess Penelope," who is not, in fact, a real princess.
Her actual name is: Penelope Mountbatten Hapsburg Hohenzollern Mulan-Pocahontas.
Well, let's do the ceremony.
Friends, loved ones, we are gathered here today to marry a Jew and a Congregationalist is that even a thing? And now, let's continue with this mockery.
- You're not my ringbearer.
- What happened to the monkey? I locked him in the Torah room.
Kid, what's your angle? I'm trying to seal the deal over here.
Princess, before you marry Krusty, there's someone you should meet.
Holly Hippie.
Krusty's sidekick in 1969 and his first wife.
He wouldn't let me watch the moon landing.
I was jealous of Neil Armstrong.
And his last wife, Eartha Kitt, recorded this before her untimely death.
They were only married for six hours, but she still hated Krusty.
He was asleep for five of those hours.
And the one he was awake, was a cat-tastrophe.
This is such an eye-opener.
I am blown away by how little this bothers me.
I really love this guy.
And you are the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.
d that's why I can't marry you.
This kid and his ugly sister are right.
I won't be good enough for ya.
You can never disappoint me.
I know your past your mug shots, your bowling alley shoe spray addiction, your country album.
- They don't bother me.
- They don't? Don't you love me? Princess, you're the only woman I care about enough to ditch at the altar.
Okay, Krusty, if that's how you feel.
We'll always have Sideshow Mel's dressing room.
What?! We're after the same rainbow's end Waiting 'round the bend My huckleberry friend Moon river And me - Just my imagination.
- No, it wasn't.
I came here looking for you, and I fell off the boat.
Krusty! My Borscht Belt baby! You changed your mind.
Ah, I'd rather be a happy schnook than a noble shlumpf.
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