The Simpsons s21e11 Episode Script

Million Dollar Maybe

 You like potato   And you like po-tah-to  -  You like tomato  -  And you like to-mah-to  -  Potato  -  Po-tah-to  -  Tomato  -  To-mah-to   Let's call the whole thing off icially on!   And toast Valerie and Dave   Togasaki-Rothman!  You guys will be the hit of cousin Valerie's wedding reception! Can I just ask, who the hell says po-tah-to? Songwriters who are stuck.
Homie, I'm still a little nervous about performing in front of all those people.
Don't worry, sweetie.
With me at your side, our toast will do just what it's supposed to: steal focus from the bride.
Why is everyone staring at static? We don't have one of those digital conversion gizmos.
I miss The History Channel, damn it! How else would I know what I lived through? Maybe I should go out and get you guys a converter.
Aw, that's sweet! Here's all the money we would've given to televangelists.
Wow! How long has the tv been out? 'bout ten minutes.
Fore! Oh, I feel like I'm mashing the tufty on the links at St.
Andrew's! Sir, your cheeks are ruddy! Did you eat a sugar cube when I wasn't watching? No, it's all thanks to this self-powered experience approximater! I've never seen Mr.
Burns this happy.
Just think what that game could do for grampa and his friends! Wait, I'm shooting at nazis? That's not how I remember it.
See you at 5:00 on the dot.
Phone kisses! Â♪ Homer's got a girlfriend! Â♪ She's not my girlfriend.
She's a girl who I married, who used to be my friend.
Hey, what's your fortune say? "You will enjoy the company of others.
" Wow! That's exactly what I'm enjoying right now! - Spooky.
- Mine says, "Something you lost will soon turn up.
" My faith in the Lord.
It came back! "Today is your lucky day.
" Yeah, pfft! Hey, Homer, if I was you, I wouldn't be so quick to say "pfft.
" Yeah, these cookies are on the up-and-up now, according to the only honest newspaper: The Beijing Daily Worker.
See? If it's your lucky day, you'd be a fool not to take advantage of it.
Hey, any part of a cookie you can't eat is just a waste of time.
What incredible good luck! Just as the cookie foretold.
Hmm! Maybe this is my lucky day.
A disc?! Please be compact.
Please be compact! Whoo-hoo! Here we go.
 Ooh, what a lucky man  -  He was  -  I is!   Boo-weee-boo-weee-wee, doo-doo-dee-dee-doo-doo.
  Boo-weee-boo-weee-wee, doo-doo-dee-dee-doo-doo.
  Boo-weee-boo-weee-wee, doo-doo-dee-dee-doo-doo  Huh?! Holy moly! If it's your lucky day, you'd be a fool not to take advantage of it.
There's no time! I need you for the wedding toast! My hair! Now let's get that ticket.
Come on, line, move! Maybe it'll speed up if I make "Oh, can you believe this" noises.
Oh, for goodness sakes! Oh! Oh! God! Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Come again.
Who is next? Oh.
Hmm Yo no creía en fortunas, pero entonces me salió una galleta Sí, sí.
que decía que hoy era mi día dichoso.
Primero no lo creí, pero entonces me caí contra la máquina de dulces, ay, ay, ay! And now, Valerie and Dave will deliver their own vows, because my vows, apparently, weren't good enough.
Show me how it's done, Dave.
"Valerie, even though you're a Starbucks girl, and I'm a Seattle's best guy, I know we can focus on the things we have in common like Mad Men, season two!" I give it a year.
Homer! Where are you? I'm almost there.
I can see the church steeple in the distance.
Uh-oh! Here comes a train.
Tickets, please.
Hey, where's your ticket? Leave me alone! Why you little No, don't do it, sir! He's strangling me! I'm gonna choke! Good evening, Mr.
Homer, how can I? No time to pretend we're friends! Lotto me! "1-6-17-22-24-35.
" I did it! I'm gonna make it!  You like potato   You like tomato   Potato   Tomato   Let's call the whole thing  I'm a-comin', Marge! Let him go, Lou.
Someone going that fast has no time for a ticket.
Okay, who's ready for a wedding-themed knock-knock joke? Whoa! Start the joke! Um, knock-knock? Who's there? I don't know.
Did I hear "lettuce"? Not from me, you didn't.
Lettuce who? I don't know! Don't drag your kid into this! Lettuce congratulate the new couple.
Why won't she stop?! There, there.
There, there, sweetie.
I'm gonna make it! I'm gonna make it! I didn't make it? Here I am, about to start my new life in Springfield! What an idiot! This is the perfect time for my catchphrase: "Soon you will be mi" Homie? Homie, can you hear me? Oh, thank God, you're okay! I'm alive! And surrounded by the people I love the most in the Could you scooch over a bit? Our top story: last night's big Lotto winner has still not come forward.
Once again, those numbers are: A million dollars! Now I'm really glad I didn't die! The mysterious winner purchased the ticket at 7:07 last night.
That's exactly the moment I was furious at you for missing our toast.
And now I'm the one who has to ask: can you forgive me? Oh, I'll try.
Wait! If I tell Marge I won, she'll know I was buying the ticket when I was supposed to be onstage with her.
Oh, I'm rich and I can't even tell my own wife! Calm down, Homer.
Calm down.
Wow, I do look pretty calm down there.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Orchard Avenue Kwik-E-Mart, birthplace of the yardstick on the doorframe that tells you how tall your robber was, is proud to announce its latest Lotto victor.
Barney Gumble! Mm-hmm! That's right! I bought the winning ticket! And now I can buy back all the blood I sold! Mm-hmm! Actually, after taxes, the amount you will receive is This money will go to partially cover the cost of a study to decide what to do with the money.
Barn, thanks for picking up the money for me.
Now, what should I buy first? Hitler's baseball? A mirror that gives me advice? My advice is to buy Hitler's baseball.
Wait a minute, Homer! You can't spend any of that money or Marge will know you lied.
Oh, yeah.
Marge, what are you doing? The laundry.
The machine's on the fritz, and we can't afford the $400 to fix it.
Here I am a millionaire, and I can't even help the woman who gave birth to me.
Why don't you just buy things your family needs, and leave them where they'll find them? Oh, Barney, that's brilliant! Just for that, you can help yourself to anything from this tree.
That's not the money tree.
I know.
It's where I hide my adult magazines.
Ooh! Oh, wow! All right, it's all hooked up.
This isn't normal tv.
It's a video game that encourages activity and exercise.
Please, at least try the tennis game.
Hmm My puppet with this wand I control it how by jumping? You use the wand like a tennis racket to hit an invisible ball.
Look at me! I'm big Bill Tilden! I think I'm looking at a poop later.
Hey! Catch, boy! Oops, the frisbee went into the bushes.
Why don't you go find it? You threw it, you go find it.
Why, you little Ow! There's a big box in here! A box? No way! A new washing machine? No way! That's just what we need! But how are going to get it home? You, go rent us a truck.
Ow! And now, Marge's secret benefactor is going to get her the luxury she's always dreamed of: a toaster wide enough for bagels.
I'll just take out a little money from my "local branch.
" Hmm Not as much money as there used to be.
Homer? What are you doing? Huh? Why I'm just Ow! Yow! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! There's money in this tree.
What the hell is going on? Lenny and Carl a fortune cookie and then I ran into the candy machine, and I I found an Emerson, Lake & Palmer and there was a  Ooh-wee, bah-doo, bah-doo, bah-doo, bah-doo, bah-doo.
  Bah-doo  Okay, let me get this straight: you got all this moola, legitimately, but you're too scared to do anything fun with it? Son, if I was interested in fun, I would've run away the day you were born.
Look, man, you've got to enjoy yourself a little.
You work hard, or at least you're out of the house a lot.
You're right.
I have been acting like telethon Jerry Lewis when I should've been acting like rest-of-the-year Jerry Lewis.
Will you teach me how to put myself first? And how! Not so fast! Don't forget my cut.
Uh your cut of what? I don't know.
I just go around saying that, In the hope it'll be applicable.
I'll be on my way now.
On my way -  Oh  - Wait! I have to go to the bathroom! So, where are you from, Homer? Here.
Mm-hmm!  Oh  Wait! Yes, Homer? Do you think you could use someone like me in your band? Yeah, come on up.
You can play the tambourine.
I said someone like me, I didn't say me.
 Oh, oh oh  Here we go, folks, the ultimate zero gravity experience! Look at me! I'm flying, like Superman's dog! Race you to the cockpit! I'm gonna call you Benson and Hedges 'cause you're gettin' smoked! Lisa, thanks to your new whatsis, we're as fit as fiddles.
Nurse! Another round of waters in your finest paper cups! I'm gonna need a little Bengay for this shoulder.
I'd like a fresh pair of socks tomorrow.
A matching pair.
I want to put salt on things! Tell me what my name is! Take away my roommate! He's dead! Folks, it's time for our final run.
No way! I want to go a million more times! Sorry, boy.
You have school tomorrow.
Rich kids don't need school! When I grow up, you can buy an apartment building and make me the super.
With that attitude, you'll never super in one of my buildings! Boy, I am through spoiling you.
First thing tomorrow, you're going back to the rotten life you've always enjoyed.
Oh, yeah? If you don't keep splashing the cash, I'm gonna tell mom that it's thanks to you she made the first bad wedding toast ever.
Blackmail your father in space, will you?! D'oh! Oh D'oh! D'oh! Why is the tv back on? What happened to the video game? Oh, the video game.
You'd think it'd be dishwasher safe, but it wasn't.
Why would you put it in the dishwasher? You ruined it on purpose.
You want the old folks to be zombies, because it makes your jobs easier! Ooh, excuse us.
We tried to make the worst job in the world easier.
Well, I agree it's not the most pleasant job in the world Don't forget the low pay and the constant presence of death.
Well, you still should have let them have their fun! They should've had their fun before they got here.
Who's ready for panini? Up that's my chair, boy.
No problem.
I'll just sit here, closer to mom's ear.
Mom, how do you think we really got that panini press? I thought the government sent it to us as part of the stimulus package.
At least that's what the letter said.
Well, actually, mom Uh! On second thought, boy, why don't you take my chair? So, Bart, how's your big school presentation coming along? Oh, great, now that dad's gonna star in it.
I agreed to no such thing! Mom - Where and what time? - Homeroom, 8:00 a.
- Never! - Mom What do I wear? Behold, Neanderthal man, our ugliest, stupidest ancestor.
Come on, missing link, put on a show.
Make a fire! Be scared of the fire! Evolve! Evolve! Get religious about a bird you see! Sprain your ankle and know it's a death sentence! Very good, Bart.
Can I get extra credit for a caveman break dance? Of course.
Homer, I need you to rickshaw me to soccer practice.
Let me just get my harness pads.
No time.
Boy, this has gone too far! I quit! Soon as I finish these oats.
Hey, hey, hey.
Let's not get crazy.
If you quit, I'm telling mom everything.
Not if I tell her first.
Now how am I supposed to get to soccer practice? Hey, Milhouse, want a turn pulling my rickshaw? Okay, but just 'cause I'm your best friend, don't be afraid to use that whip.
Okay, I'm taking off the blindfold.
Surprised? Well, I kind of got a clue When I heard that "ballooning safety" video.
Marge, soaring above the forgiving beauty of nature, I have something to confess.
Um I wasn't there for that wedding toast because I was buying a lottery ticket.
You were what?! You have a right to be angry.
Furious! And even though that ticket won a million dollars We've got a million dollars?! Screw the toast! Uh, yes, well, um Taxes took out a lot, I spent a ton on those things for the family, and, um, I didn't know you could rent a balloon.
So we're right back where we used to be.
Yes, but I have one more thing to show you.
Oh my God! Marge, those groves of cherry blossoms will bloom every year, to remind the world of the sweetest, most forgiving woman who ever lived.
Am I off the hook?  You like potato   And you like po-tah-to   You like tomato   And you like to-mah-to   So if you go for oysters   and I go for ersters   I'll order oysters   and cancel the ersters   For we know we need each other, so we   better call the calling off off   Let's call the whole thing off! Â
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