The Simpsons s21e12 Episode Script

Boy Meets Curl

Okay kids, time to apply the final "date night" touch.
Lisa, spray just a hint of perfume on my neck.
Bart, you tell me this dress doesn't make me look fat.
And now! You don't look fat.
Thank you! Homer, you don't look fat.
Oh, Carl! You're a liar, but I love it.
Date night: it's the embalming fluid that keeps the mummy of a marriage fresh after the heart and brain have been pulled out through the nose.
Ugh, I never should've given you that egyptology book.
Gentlemen, I'm afraid we've detected a small leak somewhere in the heavy water piping facility.
Don't leave until you find that leak! Uh, Mr.
Burns, couldn't we patch the leak tomorrow? It's date night.
Oh, indeed it is.
Tonight I will be continuing my courtship of Princess Wilhelmina of Prussia.
Tonight's the night I pop the question: where is the kaiser's gold? Now get to work on that leak! We now return to "The Real Housewives of Shelbyville".
Angelo stood me up on date night, so I showed him: I had one of my boobs reduced.
You're one smart cookie, Rosemary.
That left boob was too good for him.
We're appalling! I'm sorry I missed dinner, honey.
We still have time to catch a movie.
- That can be romantic.
- Really? How romantic? It'll make a walk on the beach seem like a punch in the face.
Whoa! Did you call the furnace man? - You said you were gonna call him! - He's your cousin! Well, maybe we can just get through the winter without heat.
Guess I'll have to take care of this like I took care of your speeding tickets! It's so noisy in here.
I can't hear the ad telling everyone to be quiet! Hey, we came here to enjoy the movie, and we're going to enjoy the movie.
We're out of here.
This isn't fair; I want romance.
How about bromance? It's not the same.
Dude I'm not a dude, I'm a hottie.
This bromance just got interesting.
Ooh, ice skating.
A sport that encourages hand-holding.
Would you like to wear mittens or go commando? Oh! Oh! - Why not? - Sorry, no skating tonight.
What, they come here on Saturday night to clean the ice? Losers.
Actually, it's called "curling.
" Players slide the heavy stones toward the circle, or "house", as teammates control the direction and speed of the stone by sweeping in front of it with a special broom.
Marge, this is perfect for both of us! It's got bowling for me and sweeping for you.
Maybe you'd like to give it a try? Mm Hmm.
Let us curl, milady.
Let us throw and sweep a'twain until the heavens themselves drop their jaws in wonder and envy! And afterwards there'll be beer and cocoa, with marshmallows floating in the foam.
And if, from now till the end of time, someone should ask what we were doing on the eve of the 17th of November, we shall proclaim that we were curling! This is what you're like when you don't drink! Young woman.
Where'd you learn to sweep like that? I've been training all my life.
I once swept red wine off a white carpet.
I like your style, blue.
Want to join our team? If Homer can join with me.
Fine.
You two are off the team.
I see.
Well, I guess we can return these bodysuits to the store.
Hmm.
So, we'd just thrown a biter, and Homer said to kick harder off the hack.
So I did and I almost fouled the hog line! Exciting, exciting.
I just have one question: is curling a real thing? Yeah, or is it just a cover story for a grown-up thing we're not allowed to know about? Yeah, like the time you said dad was taking a weekend leadership seminar, when he was really stuck in a barrel at the junkyard? Curling is real.
The realest thing I've ever done.
Hmm.
Principal Skinner?! This is bogus, man.
You know the rules: two letters and a conference before I get a home visit.
Bart, my cargo pants indicate that I'm not here on school business.
I'm here on "cool" business, i.
e.
curling.
Hey, look who slid into our house.
Great curling reference.
What's up, Seymour? Astonishing news out of Eau Claire, Wisconsin.
The olympic committee has announced that mixed curling will be a demonstration event at the winter olympics.
There's a winter olympics? Homer, while you were imagining what the winter olympics were, Seymour said we were all going to the olympic trials! Olympic trials, eh? He usually stays out like this for about 30 seconds.
Want some coffee? Mmm, that'd be great.
Terrible, Seymour! You're a disgrace to frozen water! You love your son.
How can you be so hard on him? Marge, love has nothing to do with winning.
Believe me, I know.
I was in love with a soldier boy, on leave from Korea.
It was a 50's style romance three minutes of sex and a lifetime of regret.
He went back to his war, and I went back to my dream: pole vaulting in the Helsinki olympics.
But there was a bump in the road a bump named Seymour! The whole nine months, Seymour had just laid there like a lump.
Then this pre-natal nitwit decides to do his rockettes impression.
Before he was even born, he ruined my life.
Yes, that involuntary pre-conscious reflex I made in utero was unforgivable.
The point is, don't let your feelings get in the way of winning.
They don't give out medals for being a loving wife.
Well, they should.
Well, they don't! Oh, wise guys, eh? Sweep, sweep.
Left, right, left, right, back and forth.
Hmm? Excuse me? I think this fell off your hat.
Oh, thanks! That's Chilbert.
One of the four winter games mascots.
Would you like it? I've got doubles.
Thank you.
Just beware, collecting olympic pins can be kind of addictive.
Come on, they're just pins.
He does look lonely all by himself.
Oh! Buy us! Buy us with money! One Labatty, please.
Looks like we hooked another one.
Please let me go back to the cruise ship.
I was chief purser.
Never! Now get back in character, Monsieur Wee-wee.
Someday I'll be the tall guy.
All dad needs to do is put his stone inside that circle and they win.
Oh, my god, dad threw too hard! That stone is coming in like a rocket.
It's gotta be going four, maybe five miles an hour! Someone needs to convert that kinetic energy back into potential.
Homie, we're going to Vancouver! Pack your winter coat.
We're going to Canada's warmest city! Homer, who's that? She used to be my therapist.
How can I ever thank you? Pay your bill! I couldn't hear the last thing you said! Good-bye forever! Bob Costas at the 2010 Vancouver games.
For the Beijing games, China picked famed director Zhang Yimou to stage its opening ceremony.
Tonight, Canada turns to its most famous director: Ivan Reitman, the man who brought us Ghostbusters.
Who you gonna call? Albania! Who you gonna call? Algeria! Who you gonna call? Argentina! Who you gonna call? Zimbabwe.
And now, not competing but observing: who you gonna call? Angola.
And now, in the olympic spirit of peace and goodwill, we release the canadian dove, the beaver! This was all preventable! Hey, Lis, want to come with? I'm snowboarding with my new canadian friend, Milhoose.
Hey, Bort, your sister's hotter than a calgary brushfire.
Mind if I ask her oot? Sorry, but I was planning to stop by the olympic pin center to fill in a few small gaps in my collection.
You know, just to get me through the day.
She's as loony as a one-dollar coin.
Hey, Hoser, want some canadian club? Do I?! - Oh! - Hoo-hoo! Oh, a pork bao a shrimp bao, everywhere a bao bao Homer Simpson wins a gold, sliding rocks on ice, bao bao! Marge, we need to talk about your husband.
Oh, my favorite subject.
I'll go first.
Isn't he cute? A little.
But as an olympic curler, he's dragging us down like an anchor on a bag of toasters.
Hmm? But Homer tries his best.
We know.
That's why we're positive he'll never get any better.
I had one olympics ruined by a bald, drooling idiot, but it's not gonna happen again.
I was not bald.
Whatever.
We want Homer off the team.
Well, who made you the coach? The hat makes me the coach.
Well, Homer's my soul mate, and you don't dump a soul mate.
Oh, my god, I'm holding back the team.
But our marriage is based on curling.
Oh, what am I gonna do? Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm.
Mm.
Oh, my gosh.
It's the mascot from the That's right.
It's Ennui, himself.
I must have him.
Um can I have it on account? On account of I want it? You've heard that one, huh? No, it's just not funny the first time.
But if you want to trade, I could take uh, oh, I don't know those pearls you're wearing.
My pearls? These were a gift from my mom when I could first read at a twelfth grade level.
You want to yak, or you want to trade? Just take them.
I saw you grooving to the beat.
You got to pay for that.
Lis, what's going on? You're not normally this interesting.
Nothing's going on.
Just sharing my music with the good people of Vancouver.
A dime?! What do you think I am a payphone from 1980?! Are you sure you're okay? I'm fine.
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.
What's that noise? Your dress is covered with pins.
There is no dress.
It's just pins.
Help me? - What are you doing? - I like to warm up by sweeping behind the snack bar.
Boo yeah! Well, no matter what you do, It won't make up for sir slip-a-lot over there.
Uh-oh.
Yes, it will.
I'll just sweep harder than anyone's ever swept before.
Because without Homer, I'm a broom without a stone.
No use for anything.
Wow.
That's love, Seymour.
I'm glad you saw it once before you died.
If Homer Simpson doesn't land this stone in center house, the only gold they'll be going home with is Lisa's pin collection.
That tidbit courtesy of our highly paid intern, Tom Brokaw.
I love to learn about Lisa.
Oh, my, that delivery has less juice than sunny delight.
Marge Simpson is sweeping fast and clean, but it won't be enough.
I've never seen this before.
Marge Simpson is trying to restart a stone.
- Come on, baby! - She did it! She pulled off an impossible move, just like the time I shaved off Larry Bird's moustache while he was napping.
Aah! Team USA heads to the gold medal match.
But wait a minute.
Marge Simpson looks hurt.
This is the sort of bittersweet melodrama olympic coverage feeds on.
I admit it.
We're vampires who suck on shattered dreams.
That's my Marge! High five.
Hold on a sec.
Marge, let me look at that shoulder.
Hmm.
Sorry, but I'm afraid she'll never curl again.
That looks like the end of team USA's dream.
It appears team Sweden will clinch the gold, and they are over the moon with joy.
Joy is but the shadow pain casts.
Can I help you with that? I'll do it myself.
When we do things together, they always turn out badly for me.
Ooh, you're hot when you're horny.
I'm not horny.
I'm mad.
Ooh, you're mad when you're angry.
Marge, you're really good with your left hand.
I should be.
I'm left-handed.
I've been using my right hand all these years 'cause I didn't want to seem unusual in any way.
Hmm.
Lisa, I know everything about addiction that you can learn from watching dad.
The first thing you have to do is get clean, so give me your pins.
- All of 'em.
- What is this, tough love? Uh, it's a little more like soft hate.
I said, all of them.
Oh.
And now, just put your pearls back on, and we'll go get some coffee.
It's not that easy, Bart.
I traded away my pearls.
Oh.
Without them, I'm just a big Maggie.
What'll you take for the pearls? Nothing you got, junior.
Really? Not even this first-ever pin From the 2014 winter olympics in Sochi, Russia? His name is Fatov.
He represents the russian spirit of sloth and alcoholism.
Ah.
Fatov.
All for you.
We'll return to sudden-death overtime in the gold medal hockey game between Russia and the U.
S.
in a moment, but first, the forfeiture-signing ceremony, where the injury-stricken U.
S.
mixed curling team is about to concede its chance at gold to Sweden.
Team captain Seymour Skinner is preparing to sign.
There's been some question as to whether he'll use his middle name.
I guess we're about to find out.
Okay, here comes the pen.
The ink appears to be blue.
No surrender! Let's give the olympics a miracle.
But this time, on ice.
Oh, look at that broom work.
Ah, they shouldn't be playing quidditch at all.
Not while four of the seven horcruxes are still unfound.
Sacre bleu.
Sacred blue.
It's okay, son.
You did your best.
Really, mother? You mean that? I do.
Before now, I never knew a mother could love her child.
Win or lose, I'm taking you out for pizza and ice cream, and we can sit at the same table.
The USA has won demonstration gold.
Our first and only medals of these entire olympics.
Kids, open your history books, tear out the pages and put this indelible olympic moment in.
USA! USA! Oops.
How's this for a date night? Wonderful, Homie.
Take that, Sweden! Tell me how my ice tastes.
Shh!