The Simpsons s21e16 Episode Script

The Greatest Story Ever Doh'd

D'oh! Thank you all for coming.
Now, let's start with the words everyone loves to hear: "Welcome to Bible study!" Today, my readin' ribbon's smack-dab in the middle of Matthew 23.
Now let us download the holy tweet of the Lord.
Stop making this relatable.
Hey, as a youth, if I don't hear a computer word every couple sentences, I am outta here.
Duly noted.
But we will make sure not to dilute the sacred gospel.
Mousepad! Double click! Skype! Skype! Matthew 23: "Then spake Jesus to the multitude, and to his disciples, saying" Hey, my bathing suit came off! Whoo! Whoa! Hey, it floats! I'll handle this.
Schnell! Schnell! Homer Simpson.
You are the most infuriating, Netflix DVD-burglaring, barbecue-not-putting-out man I ever met! Hold that thought.
Oh! That man is beyond redemption.
That might seem to be true I sense a "but" coming, reverend Here comes the butt! But I think you're up to the challenge, Ned.
Oh, reverend, I've been working my Bible to the bone trying to save that man.
You know, Ned, God has never given up on anyone.
What about Sodom and Gomorrah? He lovingly destroyed them.
Instead of pushing Homer away, can't you find a way to reach out and bring him in? Homer? Homer? You know, our Bible study group is going to the Holy Land next month.
I'd like you and your family to come as my guests.
Hmm, let me think take my family to a war zone on a bus filled with religious lame-os in a country with no pork, in a desert with no casinos Ooh, where do I sign up? Homer, I can hear your sarcasm from inside the house.
And the dishwasher's on! What's going on here? Mr.
Flanders invited us to Israel.
I think he wants to get dad into heaven.
Great.
More hell for me.
Ned Flanders, you would take our family to the Holy Land just to try to make my husband a better man? Yep.
I also want to try something called "pita bread.
" Well, we will take you up on your offer.
Oh But we insist on paying our own way.
Oh! And Homer, put on some pants.
Oh! The man hates pants.
L'chaim! Homie, just tell them what they want to hear.
I can't! Latkes aren't as good as american pancakes.
They're okay with applesauce.
True enough.
A truckload of applesauce! Eh Krusty, I've been meaning to ask.
What are you doing on this tour? I believe that every jew should make a pilgrimage to Israel before he dies.
Yes, it is fitting.
Don't want to end up in hell.
Jews don't believe in hell.
No hell? Thank you, kid.
You made my day.
You're being paid to clean the gutters! This country's so historic.
For all we know, Jesus could have given a talk In conference room C.
Welcome, welcome! My name is Jacob.
You may notice I speak the english with a slight accent.
This is because, as you have probably guessed, I used to live in London, and that is why I sound like Hugh Grant.
Come on.
Let's go.
We've got a lot of holy sites to see.
Yallah! We finish early, we go to jewelry store owned by my cousins.
No joke.
Is true.
Great prices.
You got to haggle.
Otherwise they don't respect you! Come on.
Let's go! Do you have any safety tips? What are you talking about? Israel is the safest country in the world.
The only danger here is dehydration.
Drink water.
Don't die.
Looks bad on me.
Come on.
Shut your face.
Let's go.
But it says here in the brochure Brochure? Brochure? Brochure? Who wrote your brochure? The same schmuck who wrote the New Testament? I can't talk to you.
You talk to my niece, Doreet.
Doreet, talk to the stupids.
Shalom, goyem! Shalom to you! Shalom is the "aloha" of this place.
Okay, okay, lady.
You done talking now? Who is licensed tour guide here, you or me? Now, everybody, we have no time to see Masada.
Everybody died there for nothing.
Okay, first stop: Old City.
Come on.
Let's go.
Please shut your face! The Old City.
Where B.
C.
turned into A.
D.
! Let's go! Flanders, that stuff's been here for thousands of years.
but the breakfast buffet at our hotel, which is included in our package, closes in ten minutes! Homer, that's not why we're here.
We can see the stations of the cross.
After we see the stations of the omelet bar.
Okay, let's just put it to a vote.
I can't believe we lost, reverend.
Mm-hmm.
These blueberry muffins are bigger than the ones we had at Pechanga.
Finally, something you like better than Pechanga.
Okay, everybody.
Please shut your face.
Here we go.
This sacred spot on mount Zion is king David's tomb.
Also, where your Jesus, who was a native-born israeli, by the way sandals, circumcised, perfect english accent, the whole deal This is where he had his last supper before they took him away and hammered him up on that cross.
Hey, you.
You're not part of the group.
No listening! Hey, is Israel.
Is free country.
Okay, that's it.
Because of him, no armenian quarter.
Forget it.
It's gone.
All thanks to Mr.
Listen-for-free.
Lord, please help Homer experience the redemptive power of this sacred land.
He's going for the record.
He's going for the record! Flanders, you're not supposed to help him.
Yeah, thanks a lot, Flanders.
Homer, do you think you could show just the slightest bit of reverence? Ned, I'm an american tourist.
I'm just here to see some sights, try goofy new food and spread some shekels with my Carolina Panthers credit card.
Panthers! Could you at least turn the camera off? If you say it like dracula, I will.
- Homer - Please, please, please Bleh! That is going right on stupidflanders.
org.
You know, Homer, you might really benefit from opening your heart to the spirituality of this place.
Please, neighbor? This really means a lot to you, huh? Yes, but it means more to you.
Boy, are you lousy at reading minds.
Okay, okay.
For you, I'll try.
Lord, I think I may have finally reached him Flanders bleh! Bleh! Bleh! Homer, quit playing that back.
I'm not.
It's my ring tone.
Yello.
This is he.
Yeah, I wanted to know: do you deliver falafels to the top of mount Zion? Great.
I'd like a large falafel With pepperoni, sausage, and extra cheese.
Yes, I know what a falafel is.
This, eh everybody, look at my face.
This is the western, or as you say, wailing wall.
It is believed that the Lord will grant the prayers that are stuck into the cracks.
Please, no graffiti, no making the pishen.
Yallah.
"Dear Lord, please fix the following parking tickets: A647253, SP90325, Shelbyville 932871" Sad.
Sad.
Never gonna happen.
Sad.
Maybe, if you were Brad Pitt.
Hey, boy, we're supposed to be acting religiousy.
What are you up to? Reading prayers and ignoring them, just like God.
Hey, this one's from you.
"Dear Lord, don't let Marge find out the hotel leaves chocolates on the pillows at night.
" Why, you little "Give my dad another heart attack?!" Smite him like the firstborn of Egypt.
Dead baby, dead baby, passover, dead baby, dead baby Hey, why am I running from a girl? Call me when you're old enough for your Bat Mitzvah.
I'll bring you an envelope full of nothin'.
Karate! Krav Maga! Krav Ma-wha? Israeli karate.
Less hyah, More hyah ha-mee-ha-gee! You don't fight like a girl.
Or even a Milhouse.
I don't know what is "Milhouse.
" I work security for the tour.
Dealing with american punks like you counts as my military service.
And we know all about you.
Ay, caramba.
Hey, is that the Ark of the Covenant? Karate! Once again, Krav Maga! Quit going for my groin! No groin, no Krav Maga.
Hello, groin.
Come on, come on! Everybody finish lemon ice not allowed inside.
Before us stands the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, believed to be the home of the tomb of your Lord.
Or as he's known here, "the man in the underpants.
" Beautiful tachtoonim.
Oh, what abs! He was a real good-looking one.
Nice hair.
Conditioner? I think so.
And, Lord, thank you for letting me see this wonderful place where the end of the world will soon begin.
And thank you again for the challenge of Homer Simpson.
We've all got our crosses to bear.
Me Homer, you the cross.
And now, let me gaze with reverence upon the holy resting place that Uh, wha? Homer, this is the most sacred spot in christendom, not your backyard hammock! I'm sorry.
It's just that these tours are so exhausting.
You're jet-lagged.
You're walking around all day.
It's so hard to sleep knowing Marge and the kids are all stuck in one small room, and it's so nice and cool - In the tomb of the unknown savior.
- Unknown?! This is the tomb of the most famous man who ever lived! Porky Pig?! Porky Pig's not a man! He's a pig, and he's not even a real pig! But he is buried here, right? That's it! I'm losing it! I'm losing it! You come all the way to Jerusalem, the happiest place on earth, and all the photos in your camera are of funny soda pops?! Oh, will you You are such a Ah! Chickpea fizz! Delete.
Delete.
Delete.
Whatever.
It's your camera.
Please, you've got to let me back in.
I sold 6,000 rolls of wrapping paper to get here.
That's your problem.
You, my friend, are banned from ever entering this church again.
Banned for life? Homer, do you know why I'm a christian? Your parents made you? It's because I believe every soul has the possibility of salvation.
At least I thought so till now.
Homer Simpson, you are not worth saving.
What? But I thought we'd be neighbors in Heaven.
- Goofing on all the new dead people.
- Not Worth Saving! Ned! Ned, wait up! Ned's run off into the desert! Aha! A sand horse: car of the desert! Mmm! Nothing like a tall glass of lukewarm water to jekyll down this hyde.
Ooh, looks like a sandstorm's brewing.
I'll just wait it out at a movie.
Orthobot Prime, the battle begins! Not so fast, we can't transform on the Sabbath! Let us power down and contemplate the Torah.
Flanders! Stupid Flanders! Oh! There's sand in my shoe, too! Oh! Oh! Oh.
Good luck surviving without me! Â Thirsty, Â Â I am so thirsty.
  And hungry and horny,   but mostly just thirsty.
  I am so thirsty.
 Huh? Water! Oh! So salty! Maybe if I add a little salt.
You have been chosen, Homer.
Chosen for what, o Mighty Gherkin? Rise and listen, my child.
Yours is a great destiny.
Pickle, carrot, tomato, pickle, carrot, tomato, pickle, carrot, tomato, pickle, carrot, tomato Oh, Homie, you're alive! I am more than alive, woman.
I am the chosen one who shall unite all the faiths of the Holy Land! I am the Messiah! But you still have our passports, right? Oh, yeah.
Got to keep track of those.
The Messiah has the passports.
- Dad, are you okay? - I am more than okay! I am the Messiah, come to save the world! Look upon me and shudder! I already do that.
Uh Messiah? - Do you mind if I have a word with your wife? - As you wish.
But look not upon her with lust, and do not send her friendly e-mails.
That's how it begins.
Homer is suffering from what's called "Jerusalem syndrome.
" Ah, yes, Jerusalem syndrome: the name given to religious delusions or psychoses that occur when people visit Jerusalem.
Have you ever noticed that dad always gets the disease they write about in the in-flight magazine? Oh, my God! Homer's gone! What's he gonna do now? Hmm, dad said he was going to unite all faiths.
And only one site is sacred to muslims, christians and jews: The Dome of the Rock! Dome of the Rock? Messiah away! This one says "Carolina Panthers"! Messiah says "rowrr!" Okay, everybody, come on.
This shrine contains the rock on which Abraham was going to sacrifice his son.
And muslims believe something, too.
To find out, hire a muslim tour guide.
That's a barrel of laughs.
- Anyway, shut your face.
- Thanks.
You can stop giving the tour now.
You don't want to do a photo with me? You can hold my gun.
- I used it in Entebbe.
I killed three ugandans.
- No, thanks.
Before you go in, you fill out comment card.
Okay.
Uh, eh, don't forget the back.
You people are so pushy.
What, israeli people are pushy? How about you experience a couple of genocides and see how laid-back you are? We were purged from Spain! Throw out of there! They allow everybody in Spain! But for us, jews, no flamenco, get out! I'm pushy? Please.
You stay there, surrounded by your great enemy, Canada! Try Syria for two months, then we'll see who's pushy! Attention, christians, muslims, and jews: I have come to gather you into a new faith.
From now on, you shall be called Chrismujews.
I I don't know.
Because when you get down to it, aren't all religions the same? They tell you what to eat, when to pray, how this imperfect clay that we call man can mold itself to resemble the divine.
But we can never attain that ultimate grace while there is hatred in our hearts for each other.
I did it.
I reached him.
Celebrate your commonality.
Some of us don't eat pork.
Some of us don't eat shellfish.
But all of us love chicken.
He's right! You can simmer it in a tagine.
In a soup, you can boil it! Spread the word! Peace and chicken.
Peace and chicken! Don't listen to this fat idiot! I am your Messiah! Avert your eyes from my wrinkly arms! Uh-oh.
Got another case of Jerusalem syndrome.
This looks like a job for The Messiah! I want the window seat! Krav Maga! You can't hurt what's already dead.
I guess you can.
Homer, my friend, of all the false messiahs today, I think you came closest to the truth.
Well, if I made any sense today, it's because all the stuff you've told me all these years has finally seeped in.
Can I buy you a $12 turkey sandwich? I'd like that.
How about a Greg Norman executive putter - from the skymall? - You'd probably get a better deal at a mall back home.
They have malls on land? Why don't you try having your people being thrown out of Spain?! Spain! No tapas! I love eating tapas! I love the tiny portions! You don't get too full, but you have a whole variety of flavors! Not for me! Every day hummus and pita! Occasionally, once a week, a little bit of falafel!