The Simpsons s21e17 Episode Script

American History X-cellent

Burns, you're coming with us.
No, no, let me go.
Surprised? Me, C.
Montgomery Burns, locked up like an animal? What caused this puzzling turn of events? Well, I'll tell you my tale by thinking about it to myself.
And so our Employee of the Month is the late Roger Ducette, who tragically died from complications due to union organizing.
Moving on, the power plant's first annual Fourth of July picnic is this coming Saturday.
Whoo-hoo! Oh, I'm afraid you misunderstand.
This picnic is for me.
You will all be spending your Independence Day slaving away in the hot summer sun without pay, lotion or gratitude.
D'oh! Yes, "duh-ohhh," indeed.
Sir, your spareribs, cooked just the way you like 'em.
Spareribs, eh? I've played a round of tenpins or two in my life, and to me, the word "spare" reeks of second best.
Give me ten full frames of strike ribs.
And you, find my doctor and ask him why I'd ask for something - as insane as strike ribs.
- Yes, sir.
You know, sir, these people have been working since your 6:00 a.
m.
parade of the flags.
Maybe you could give them the rest of the day off to spend with their families? Yes, they should go.
Just as soon as they perform this musical I've written in celebration of our nation's birth.
Grab your scripts, people.
We open in 20 minutes.
Break a leg.
I said break a leg.
For God's sake, man, it's a figure of speech.
You're fired.
* We love America.
* Meh.
Smithers, take my hands and clap them sarcastically.
More sarcastic.
Burns, what an ungrateful jerk.
We hoofed our hearts out for him with no rehearsal.
I say Burns owes us a party.
Let's have one right now with his wine.
I don't know.
Technically, this is trespassing.
What's the worst thing he could do? Hey, Lenny, you care for some Chateau La Mondotte Saint-Emilion? That's a regular-sized bottle.
I'm drinking Jeroboams.
I'm pounding Melchizedeks.
Homer, that's a $60,000 bottle.
Whoo-hoo.
I'm drinking my salary.
Yeah, but don't some of that go to income tax? Yeah, you're right.
The government taking my hard-earned stolen wine and spending it on that no-good floor.
I hear that.
I'm getting radioactive right now.
Smithers, sound the alarum.
Summon the shire reeve.
Wake the beadle.
Okay, left hand: Rembrandt.
All right, step away from the old masters and kick 'em over here.
Come on.
Whoa, wait a minute, Chief.
- This is The Concert by Vermeer.
- Huh? Which was stolen in 1990 from Boston's Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum.
So, Burns, do you want to explain how this miracle of measure and harmony got into your collection? Well, I you, you see It's just Is it a crime to want nice things, and then to steal them from a public museum where any gum-chewing monkey in a Tufts University jacket can gawk at them? I think not! Cuff him, Lou.
The entire town turned out to jeer me.
Me, whose velvet breeches their lizard lips had so often joylessly smooched.
Throwin' stuff.
Get yer throwin' stuff.
Turn a protest into a riot.
How much for a tomato? Fresh is a dollar, rotten's two bucks.
Son, do you really need the rotten? I mean, it's not like you're actually gonna hit him.
Oh since it's your birthday.
Mom, I'm gonna go hurl rotten fruit.
No one in this family is hurling rotten anything at anyone.
And just what might that be? Uh this is my lunch.
Really? Okay, eat your lunch.
But You said it's your lunch.
- Eat it.
- Eat my lunch? Yes.
Enjoy.
- Okay, I will.
- Bon appétit.
They continued for some time in this vein, until You don't think I'm going to? I don't see any chewing.
Okay.
Not air bites, real bites.
Oh - Where are you going? - Shopping.
Every time this town riots, the malls are deserted.
You stay here.
I hate being stuck at home.
Play with Lisa.
Mom, you don't play with Lisa.
You play despite her.
Bart, I'm not thrilled either, but one day we might need each other for organ transplants, so we'd better keep the lines of communication open.
Want to help me with my ant farm? You plant the ants, and then they grow? No, the ants are the farmers.
Really? What are they growing? Nothing.
Look, do you want to do it or not? - No! - Fine.
So ironic.
After all my years of stock jobbing, gun running, attempted murder, successful murder, and tom-peepery, they get me on a petty multimillion dollar art theft.
It's so unfair.
Smithers, until I am released, you shall be running the nuclear plant.
Me? Be strong, Smithers.
Be strong for the plant.
She needs you.
This would have been a perfect time for it to start raining.
Oh, what the hell.
I'm telling this story.
Hmm.
Not dramatic enough.
Frostbite took his nose.
Excellent.
That prison was like a prison to me.
Not a prison of bricks and iron, but one of steel and cement.
They took everything from me.
One movie stub from Tillie's Punctured Romance, envelope marked "bribe.
" Empty.
Social Security card.
That's just an S.
S.
card, you Dummkopf.
My only hope lay in befriending the warden.
Now you looky here, Burns.
All your money and influence don't mean nothin' on the inside.
Yes, but a wealthy man can buy information, information that can be highly damaging to a certain warden.
Well, uh, what information we talkin' 'bout? Well, I'm sure the boys at the city desk would be interested to learn that you're addicted to to Can't read my own writing.
But I'll tell you this, Warden, it starts with an "H.
" Ham? It's clearly more than three letters.
Get him out of my sight.
Ain't nobody gonna take my H from me.
Damn, that gas is noble.
Time for a cavity search.
Oh.
I haven't had a cavity in over 40 years.
I wasn't talking about your teeth.
Nor was I.
Meet your roommate.
Hiya, pal.
They put two harmless white collar criminals in the same cell.
What luck, huh? I was afraid you'd be some tattooed bruiser.
Well, they don't turn out too many of those at Dartmouth.
Dartmouth?! Get me away from this hideous brute at once.
At once! Do you hear me?! Got my master's from the University of Virginia, the public Ivy.
Guard! Such an intricate formicarium.
I'm the proudest myrmecologist on the block.
Hey, they're not eating.
Don't worry.
I gave 'em a Pop-Tart.
The healthy kind-- strawberry-frosted.
Bart, that Pop-Tart wasn't locally farmed or sourced.
Oh, Lisa, you take the fun out of everything.
I am so glad I am not your kid.
Well, I'm so glad I'm not your mom.
You should be.
If I was in your tummy, I'd poo in your throat.
Ew.
Ew.
Ew.
I'll never get that image out of my head.
Oh, no.
You are not taking the children.
If they're anybody's children, they're mine.
Quick, we've got to get them back.
There's only one ant left.
I will never forgive you.
Aw Well, I will never forgive you, Bart.
That only angers me more! I know.
Okay, Waylon, you never wanted this job, but you got it.
Damn it! You know, this is my chance.
A chance to be the kind of boss I want to be.
A little more employee-friendly.
Mmm.
That was a wild Christmas party.
In the next few weeks, we'll be introducing a medical plan that covers illness, and a suggestion box that is no longer a guillotine for the hand.
Yeah! Well, I agree things are a lot nicer around here, but I think I speak for many of us when I say, what's the catch? Well, the catch is, happy workers are productive workers.
There's always a catch! Can I come in? You're not going anywhere near Annie.
Annie? As in "Little Orphan"? It was an accident, I didn't mean to kill our ants.
Patty and Selma are dead? Whoo-hoo A double funeral! Dad, before you jump to conclusions Oh, please, tell me they suffered.
Gh-gh-gh hags! Looks like it's Pledge Day.
Which jailhouse fraternity shall I join? The Shriners? The ROTC? The Sunday Funnies? Or one of these other dining clubs? Look at them circling me like I'm Cinderella, belle of the ball.
Back off! He's mine.
Warden, help me! No can do, baby.
I'm not coming down for days! Mr.
Smithers, our lives are awesome, thanks to you.
And because I know you like your loafers light, I want to give something back.
Wip! Use that image any way you want.
Three cheers for Mr.
Smithers! To Mr.
Smithers! Hooray! Uh, listen, uh, can I leave a little early tomorrow? My kid has a thing.
Ooh, yeah, can I leave early, too? I want to take a nap so I'm awake for the meteor shower.
Well, I'm flexible.
Go ahead.
You know, I used to think you was just as bad as Mr.
Burns.
Now, I think you're just as good as me.
Oh, that is a huge compliment.
Uh, excuse me.
Yes, the service on my car was excellent.
Five out of five.
Four out of five.
Five out of five.
Uh, excuse me, can I go back and change that four out of five to five out of five? I'm wasting your time? Smithers, what a marshmallow.
I don't have a thing with my kid tomorrow.
You told me you did.
I do, but I'm not going to it.
To Smithers, the world's dumbest loser.
There'nothing sweeter than being nice to a guy's face and then stabbing him in the back the minute he walks away.
All right, that's it.
You know, I used to wonder why Mr.
Burns hated humanity.
Now I know.
You open your heart and they mock your very decency.
Ooh, we mock your very decency.
Man, Smithers is working us like dogs.
Well, at least we got the best brand ceiling insulation.
Well, at least we got the best asbestos.
I've told you, you're mine.
And you can't escape the word of Jesus Christ.
Burns, you shall reject Satan.
Why can't you reject your guy? Because when I wad at my lowest facing 50 years to life, someone handed me a book.
I couldn't read a lick, but that picture of Jesus gave me a comfort I've never known.
So I promised the Lord I'd put that 50 years to use reclaiming lost souls like you.
Come to Jesus! Shan't.
Feel his power! I've died and come back it's overrated.
Open your heart! I will suck out your evil.
And now, your evil is gone! I'm afraid that was just my pre-evil.
I feel it.
I feel the love coursing through my vein.
Welcome to the Lord, brother.
So, that hellhole became a Heavenhole.
I joined the prison choir.
And the the prison Beatles' tribute band.
I raked a Zen garden in the courtyard and found a peace and serenity I'd never known.
Who's carrying - Ooh, you are.
- Bart? She's only carrying Our girl is slowing down.
Oh, my God.
That is so sad.
It's the natural order of things.
I'm afraid she's got another two, maybe three days, tops.
Do we let her spend the rest of her life in the wild? Or let her die in captivity, like Grampa? Hey, in my mind I'm free.
No you're not, ya idjit! It's official.
Smithers is now worse than Mr.
Burns.
Instead of releasing hounds, he releases wolverines.
I never thought I'd say this, but I wish Mr.
Burns was back.
Hey, if wishes were horses, I'd be eatin' - wish-meat every night.
- What does that mean? It means, it's not like you're gonna break into the prison and bust him out or anything.
Oh, hey, come on.
You can't really be serious about breaking him out.
It's too late to turn back, Moe.
We've exchanged meaningful looks.
No, you can still turn back.
The point of no return is the whispered huddle.
Oh, God.
Oh, God! - Burns, you're coming with us.
- No.
No, let me go.
Why would I want to leave the place where my soul was saved? And that's where we came in.
Now, without further ado, here's what happened next.
But first, I'll daydream about a sport utility vehicle, a crispy chicken sandwich and a wonderful blue pill.
Hold it right there! You're not leaving with that man.
He's born again.
Been baptized in a toilet sink.
Everyone doesn't have to know that part.
It's the specific detail that shows the humbling you've undergone.
- You don't have a "whisper" voice, do you? - What? Good-bye, Annie, my eight-legged friend.
Ants have six legs, Bart.
Oh, thank God.
I thought I broke two off.
You're just a tiny ant, but you were strong enough to pull my brother and me together.
Now go and be free.
Look, if I leave with you, they're just going to throw me back in.
The world has changed since you went in.
Men of wealth can beat the system now.
Yeah, and they've replaced parking meters with this thing you stick your credit card into.
The war is over and the future won.
The past never had a chance, man.
Do you really want to leave with these idiots? I'm afraid so.
But I cleansed you of your evil.
I had a little left between my toes.
It quickly multiplied, and now I'm a bigger bastard than ever.
But I must know, what was it about me that made you try? Because I've killed so many rich white men, I thought I'd do right by at least one.
We're not so different, you and I.
Get your skinny ass out of here.
Lollygags, slackabouts, Captain Happys, you're all fired.
I'll do the firing around here.
Mr.
Burns! You're even more beautiful than I remembered.
All of you, out of my office.
Farewell, friend.
Maybe you'll find another lost lamb for your flock.
Tell me, brother, have you heard the story of Jesus Christ? Well, I am Italian, but no.