The Simpsons s21e18 Episode Script

Chief of Hearts

Whoa.
D'oh! Terrible.
I can't believe you're making us go to a birthday party for a kid we don't even know.
Oh, you remember Dylan.
You were in Toddle Totv together.
I don't even remember if Dylan's a boy or a girl.
Of course you do.
Dylan's a Hmm.
Let me check the invitation.
Fish theme? That tells me nothing! There's got to be a clue here somewhere.
See? Dylan's clearly a gir Hmm? What kind of party has two activities? They're just trying to confuse me.
Look, everyone, Dylan's best friend is here.
Oh! I give up! I hope Dylan likes trucks.
Lady, you don't know Dylan! Hmm! Ugh! Carrot cake? Blechh! Oh, carrot cake! Mmm! So moist! Battle card-- digitate! Defense card-- deflecto-warp! Disubaki-- goji kick! Hey, dinks.
Whatcha dweebin'? You don't know Battle Balls? It's a Japanese card game based on a cartoon based on an ancient religion based on a candy bar.
It makes Digimon look like Pokémon.
What?! Impossible! Whoa.
Hm?! "No food allowed in bank"? Better lie low, my sweet red friend.
He's got a gun! I think he's saying he'll kill one hostage an hour until he gets what he wants.
He's saying he wants $1 million in unmarked bills! Oh, that would be nice.
It's just a candy apple.
Clearly he's saying he wants to be tasered again.
Get him deep in the meat.
Homer Simpson, for causing a panic in the bank you are hereby sentenced to 100 hours of community service! Community service? But that's work.
What about jail? Community service.
No.
I want to go to jail.
Free food.
Teardrop tattoos.
Library books that come to you.
I'll serve anything but the community.
So, sweetie, this community service detail should end around 5:00.
You want to go to that seafood place? Ah, yeah, you got your book club again.
Man, that-that thing sure meets a lot.
Hey, you know, I've read that book.
Maybe I could come and Oh, right, right, right, not enough chairs.
Yeah.
Well, I'll probably be asleep in front of the fridge when you get home.
Bye.
Well, well, well, the community service detail.
You people make me sick.
Hey, whatcha packing, Simpson? Just my lunch.
Chicken parm, meatball parm, eggplant parm, shish ka-parm, angel food parm, moo goo gai parm.
My wife can parm anything.
Huh.
My wife only parms on my birthday.
And that's only if I give her the sad puppy dog look.
Aw Want a bite? Really? You mean it? Mmm.
Okay, criminals, here's your assignments.
Brockman, you get the used condoms out of that thorn bush.
Krustofsky, go sort those bums by the war they were in.
And, Simpson, you sit down at this picnic table here and grab a bite with me.
Teacher's pet.
Hey, find your nose, funny man.
There was cocaine in there.
I won't last an hour.
Do you ever wear your police pants to regular things? Throw a jean jacket on top of these babies, and you can go anywhere.
From fast food to fine dining? And everything in between.
Ever stop breathing - when you're asleep? - Oh, yeah, all the time.
They say it's 'cause I'm overweight.
Overweight? You? Oh, now, that's crazy.
Now, me, I have to get my underwear specially made my this village in the Ukraine.
They call me "Daddy Round-Round.
" Send me a Christmas card every year.
That's some big underwear.
My underpants paid for their water filtration system.
All right, that's it for today.
Uh, Simpson, hold on a sec.
Um you want to, uh uh, I don't know, get a beer sometime, uh? Okay.
Ever been to Moe's? Uh, Earth to Homer: I arrested you there last month.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry I was such a jerk about it.
Ah, nah, who could blame you? Your-your sports team lost.
Yeah.
Well, I-I'll see you at Moe's.
I'm there every day, 5:00 to 11:00.
Heh.
Uh, calling all units, Chief Wiggum just made a friend.
Uh, he's not my friend.
He's just a nonviolent perp I'm gonna pound a few beers with.
Is he looking at me right now? No, no, no, don't be so obvious.
Let's all look without looking, okay? Mmm Oh, my God, he likes me.
Officer up.
Oh.
Officer way, way up.
Oh, man, this is so awesome.
I can't believe I'm having breakfast where the cops do.
Yeah, and you can feel good about eating here, too.
Because all the cooks are ex-cons getting a second chance.
Aw, dang.
I lost track of time.
I'm gonna be late for work.
Mmm, no, you won't.
Follow me.
Wow.
So this is what it feels like to be a pregnant lady.
Hey, Simpson, think you got all the best Battle Ball cards? Well, stink again, smell-wad.
Ralph Wiggum's got a platinum lava genie.
How'd a pull-up like you get a great card like that? My not-dead grandma sent it from Tokyo.
Ralph, I will play you for that card? Okay, but if I win, you have to teach me how to play this game.
Deal.
Sir, I think something's going down.
Something big.
Hmm.
Can that be some sort of narcotics transaction? Uh, what are you asking me for? Ooh.
I see you're impressed by my costume to the school's annual drug-awareness assembly.
Uh, so am I getting a raise or not? No.
Hey, Homer, hand me my coffee.
Want some sugar? No, no, I got it.
Impressive.
Hey, would it be okay if I, uh, ran a make on myself? Go ahead.
Drunk and disorderly? That's a little redundant.
Hey, uh, mind if I do a little spring cleaning? I'll tell you what, I'll just look the other way while you press "control-F3.
" Oh.
You just put yourself on AMBER Alert.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Um Hey! There he is! Okay, that's better.
Not a good time to be carrying this cake.
Listen, Homer, uh, would you like to see my, uh my favorite place in the whole world? Really? Me? Homer, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
Cops don't have many friends.
Civilians are scared of us, and, uh, other cops just remind us of things we want to forget.
That's why our friendship is so special to me.
Chief me, too.
Um, you know I've been back here for, like, ten hours.
Any chance of a bathroom break? Thanks a lot, jailbird.
Now I've got you on burglary and killing a moment.
Mrs.
Simpson, Bart has always been what we educators term a no-goodnik.
But lately his behavior has taken a more sinister turn.
Yes.
We have reason to believe your son has been dealing drugs.
Dealing drugs? That's impossible.
He he doesn't have the math skills.
Marge, I know you've tried everything to keep Bart under control-- Ritalin, Lithium, Zoloft.
Well, they didn't work.
He has moved on to drugs.
Bart? Bart, are you here? You really know how to roll 'em, Bart.
That's drug talk.
But I could be mistaken.
Let me just listen to a little more out of context.
This product is unbelievable.
It's imported, you know.
You ever worry the sun's not going to come back after it goes down at night? No.
Uh, me, neither.
But-but you know who does? Ralphie.
Got a lot of worries, that kid.
What if the bed wets him? What if Superman decided to kill everybody? Hey, Ralph's a good kid.
And he should be.
He's got a great dad.
Ah, Homer Simpson, you always know the perfect thing to say.
Chief.
Chief, it's Lou.
Ugh.
Okay, what is it now? They're shooting at us.
We need backup now.
You need backup, or you want backup? We got a 2-11 in progress.
Hey, what have I told you about not using the numbers?! It's an armed robbery, damn it.
Oh, I guess we should go.
Ooh, ooh.
Can I cuff him?! Sure.
Why not? Chief, come on.
He's not trained.
Oh, who are you, the rules police? Uh, no.
We are the police police.
Nobody moves, or the doughboy gets popped.
Take your hands off my brother from another mother.
Let's get out of here! Not to worry, Homer.
That's what bulletproof vests are for.
Uh-oh.
Is he gonna be okay? It's gonna be touch and go.
He left lung was filled with shamrock shake.
McDonald's didn't even sell them this year.
Don't worry, Sarah.
Clancy was there for me, and I'll be there for him.
Huh? Oops.
Don't die on me, Clancy.
You said our friendship was special.
Well, if it was so special, wake up, you fat sack of Homer? Huh? What-what happened to me? You saved my life.
And I came here every day to make sure you pulled through.
Thanks, Homer.
You're a true friend.
Unlike that Lou.
You're too late.
Chief, I've been sleeping on that couch for a week.
You missed the wakeup.
That's all that counts.
Clancy, I haven't seen my family in days.
Would you mind if I went home now? Now? But I-I just woke up.
Well, if you really want me to stay No, no.
You do what you have to do.
Live your life which I saved.
Fine.
I'll stay a little more.
Great.
Great.
And can you read me a story that you write yourself? It should be about an imaginary meeting between Babe Ruth and Hitler.
But make no mention of baseball or Germany.
And begin.
Oh.
Ah.
Ooh.
Hmm.
Oh.
Hmm.
Awesome.
You finally made my room cool.
Bart Simpson, are you a drug-o? What?! No.
Not until you raise my allowance.
Well, can you explain what you were doing in the basement with Milhouse? Getting higher and higher scores on Battle Ball.
Hey, that's pretty nifty.
Let me try.
Oh, my gosh, that's adorable.
This one's going on the Christmas tree.
It's no fun if my Mom likes 'em.
Oh.
Come on, toilet.
If you can handle Dad, you can handle this.
Homer, where you been the last few weeks? Playing nursemaid to Chief Wiggum.
People who get shot in the chest are such big babies.
Ah.
That is so much better than hospital beer.
Well, well, well.
So this is the St.
Elmo's Fire reunion that Andrew McCarthy himself was going to attend.
Okay, maybe I lied, but you've been so needy.
"I'm hungry.
", "I'm itchy.
", "That's not my blood type.
" Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
Oh.
What have we here? Huh.
"World's worst friend.
" Hey, man, you planted that.
It's your word against the chief of police.
Take him away, boys.
Chief, being a bad friend isn't against the law.
Well, if it was, he'd be getting the chair.
You-you all would.
Bad friend.
Bad friend.
Bad friend.
Who gave me up? Guess what, Silkie.
It was your own mother.
How does that feel? You both jive.
You hear me? You both jive.
Oh, everything reminds me of Clancy.
Yeah.
You mugs'll never take me alive, see.
Oh, everything.
Homer, you have visitors.
Homer, we haven't seen the Chief in days, and, uh, we're starting to worry.
Any idea where he might be? I have an idea, but I must go alone.
My car is filled with printer paper I stole from work.
Hey, Chief.
I, uh, brought a Ha.
Just like you to forget that I might want some.
Come on.
Come on.
Stitch those alligators.
We got to get those knockoff Lacoste shirts to the mall in time for the crazy days of summer sale.
Freeze.
Huh.
Whoa.
Careful, boys.
Looks like his weapon's loaded with 12 original herbs and spices.
You're jive.
Do you hear me? You're all jive.
I'm sorry, Homer.
If I hadn't have been so needy, we wouldn't be in this trunk.
Well, I was kind of ungrateful.
You did save my life.
Well, at least we got to be friends again, you know, before we got whacked.
We're not gonna get whacked.
Because you're Chief Clancy Wiggum, and you're gonna figure a way out of this.
You have that much faith in me? No.
Faith is what you have in things that don't exist.
Your awesomeness is real.
Louie, how about some ominous music? It will make our drive to the body dumpery most cinematic.
You got it, boss.
I learned the truth at 17 That love was meant This sounds like your Folk Divas mix.
I'm gonna slap some sense into that CD changer.
Eat Fix-A-Flat.
Oh, so that was a tire iron poking me in the back.
Oh, that clears up a lot.
Attention all units.
Chief Wiggum and Homer have moved into a new phase in their friendship.
The flame will burn less brightly perhaps, but this time, may last much longer.
Well said, Lou.
Um, oh, Homer, you want to take out the police copter and hassle people with the spotlight? I know just the guy.
Flanders.
Wake up.
Take off your clothes and prepare to be raptured.
Okily dokily.
Now, shave off your moustache and drink the hairs in a cup of cocoa.
Hot cocoa? No, ice cold.
I learned the truth at 17 That love was meant for beauty queens And high school girls with clear-skinned smiles Who married young and then retired The valentines I never knew The Friday night charades of youth Were spent on one more beautiful At 17, I learned the truth And those of us with ravaged faces Lacking in the social graces Desperately remained at home