The Simpsons s21e19 Episode Script

The Squirt and the Whale

Nighttime.
Hello! Ooh.
D'oh! Hmm? Man.
Hmm.
Hmm? Hey! In a conflict as old as pencil and paper two mighty armies square off in a battle between cross and circle Remember my son, the one who controls the center controls the board.
I don't understand, Master.
I begin to fear you are too stupid.
I love you, Rome-o! I love you, Julie-x! Tic-tac-noooo! On July 4 From the producers of Duck, Duck Goose, Got Your Nose and One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich.
What's going on? Look at this electric bill! I'm not made of money! I'm made of man-meat and a skeleton! It's time to unplug these vampire appliances that plunge their prongs into our creamy white outlets to quench their unholy thirst for electrons.
Lamp, computer, Jacob's Ladder What the? How long has this been running? I don't know.
Dad, while I agree reducing consumption is great, it's hard to make permanent changes in your lifestyle.
Are you calling me fat? No.
I am suggesting you consider cheaper, alternate sources of energy.
Hmm, Alternative Energy Expo.
Where there's expos, there's free Frisbees! Let's roll.
But we'd better make sure robbers don't know we're out.
Come on, let's go.
Who you waiting for? Come on.
Do they think I'm like an idiot? I'm going to enjoy pooping on their carpet.
Why, you You son of a Now, on to the next funny booth.
Solar power is a bright idea! Yeah, so is getting a real job.
- Hey oh.
- Dad! I found what you're looking for! A churro you can eat in the shower? Goddag, friendlys.
Behold to you-- wind! The energy that powers Denmark.
Well, I'm not usually one to take the word of a Dane.
Plus, how can I afford it? Well, there are tax credits, government rebates.
It will pay for itself in 12 to 18 - Months? - Lifetimes.
Hmm, tie it to my car, and you got a deal.
Lars, get the twine! You will not regret this.
I'm starting to regret it already.
Too late.
Lars got the twine.
Dad, you are leading the way in clean energy.
Yup, I Al-Gored it pretty good.
Where's my Grammy for audio book narration? It's making our meter run backwards! Oh, my goodness! It means we're traveling back in time! I can warn President Lincoln to dump his wife before she goes crazy! Dad, all it means is, we're providing power to the electric company.
Oh, that's just great.
I discover electricity, and they want to take it from me! Hello, local utility? You greedy bastards have gouged Homer Simpson for the last time.
We will cancel your account, sir.
The Simpsons are off the grid.
And so far it's going great.
Gentlemen, tonight's game is brought to us by something special.
The kite's best friend, the flag's partner in patriotism, you've seen cherubs blow it from map corners-- the wind! - All right! - Yeah, blow me some sports! Perilous fight O'er the ramparts, we "O'er the ramparts we" what?! Don't worry, I'll go see what's wrong.
What the? Who turned off the wind? Dad, if we're really off the grid, then we won't get power when the air is still.
Oh.
Well, I'm not crawling back to big electricity! From now on, the Simpsons are living intermittently.
Danger, danger High voltage When we touch And when we kiss Danger, danger High voltage When we touch, when we kiss When we touch, when we kiss Hmm? Oh, my smoothie is all lumpy! The wind may have stopped working, but my brain nev er does.
Check it out, gang.
But, Dad, it defeats the purpose if you're powering our windmill with the electricity from Flanders.
Homer, this meeting of your fan club is adjourned! But we haven't read the minutes of last week's meeting! You used to be nicer! When is my turn over? Ugh, Bart, please! I'm trying to hear Dr.
House's third incorrect diagnosis before his final correct diagnosis! Dear Lord, you've got the wind I need, I've got the prayers you crave.
Let's make a deal.
Whoa! Ant's Weather Worriers are reporting gusts up to 75 Now we're cookin' with wind! Homie, maybe this is too much electricity.
Nothing is ever right for you.
Oh, why can't our house ever be that bright? Nothing is ever right for you.
Finally.
Well, the lesson here is We're gonna go check out the wind damage.
Be careful! If you see a downed power line, do whatever it is people are supposed to do in that situation.
Make it stop! Make it stop! Look at the cool stuff that washed up! Scuba goggles! Oh, medical waste! Hmm? Whoa! Oh, my God! A beached whale! Bart, can you believe that something so mighty has been rendered so powerless? I'm gonna have my next birthday party on this thing.
Whoa! Ay, caramba! Whoa! She's such a beautiful shade of blue.
I'm going to call you Bluella the whale.
Hmm? Check it out! World's biggest armpit fart.
You just made a powerful enemy! Come on, everybody! A whale needs help! Why should we? Yeah, where was that whale when my mom moved out? Whales are mammals like us.
They're sensitive and deeply intelligent.
Nerd! I'm going to get real help.
Just try to keep her wet.
Hey, Milhouse! Want to learn more about whaling? Sure! Hey, Milhouse! Want me to "knock it off?" I'm afraid to answer that.
Never tell a bully you're afraid.
Our wedding china's ruined.
Oh, we'll have to eat Thanksgiving dinner off regular plates like animals.
Hey, Mom, Dad, there's a whale on the beach.
You got to help me get her back in the ocean.
All right.
Let me get my tool belt.
Man, who are these belts made for, French super models? Hurry, Dad, hurry! Homie, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.
Lisa, bring the car around.
But I don't know how to drive.
Haven't you learned anything from watching Bart drive? A little.
Homie, I happened to read about beached whales in Springfield Geographic.
It usually does not end well.
We can't let Lisa get her hopes up.
Marge, how hard can it be? We're just rolling it into the ocean from the beach.
It's not like it's stuck in the bottom of a well or in a Mexican prison.
But that would make a great movie.
Lisa is very sensitive.
If something she loves dies in front of her That whale's not gonna die.
We're busting him out of prison, no matter what you say, Escobar! God, this thing writes itself.
Coming! Okay, we'll need the town's strongest men to roll the whale back in the water.
Hmm.
We need a better idea.
We'll have to find our town's smartest men.
It's hard to believe anyone in that contest can be considered smart.
One two three tug! Aah.
Lisa, sweetheart, it's almost dinner time.
Why don't you come home? I'll catch up with you guys in a little bit.
You know, when I'm sad, I read something beautiful and true-- poetry.
No, no, you're gonna like it.
It's about the ocean.
"The world below the brine.
Forests at the bottom of the sea.
The branches and leaves Sea-lettuce, vast lichens" Wake up, Lis! They're doing it! Dorsal straps secured! Tail clamps in position! Congratulatory T-shirts silk-screened and distributed! Oh! Operation Desert Ocean is a go! Let's get this lady fish into the blue zone! It was my idea to put the whale in the water.
Girl, you're going home! You're going home! Good-bye, Bluella! Send me a post card from Tierra Del Fuego.
Good-bye! Good-bye! Huh? Bluella? Oh, no.
Don't worry, honey.
Right now she's lying on God's beach.
She doesn't like lying on the beach.
She likes being in the ocean.
Oh, Lisa, I'm sorry.
I tried my best.
I know it's really hard when you discover your dad isn't perfect.
Not perfect? You can say that again.
I'm trying to be a sensitive father, you unwanted moron! Lisa, where were we? Maybe I should just be alone a little bit.
Of course.
Oh, it kills me to see her like that.
And if there's one thing I can't stand, it's being killed.
Milhouse, this'll be the biggest dead animal we ever poked with a stick.
If that flattened squirrel we poked last week could only see us now.
All right, back up, everybody.
Oh, but not too much.
You are definitely gonna want to see this.
So clean, how part of it just disappears like that.
Ah! Yuck! Citizens, today we honor Bluella the whale, along with the victims of the Great Whale Explosion.
Could you please stop dynamiting?! Sorry.
I sat on the plunger.
But Bluella will live on among us as we make use of every part of her body, from blowhole to fluke.
And we did not catch the whale, brave boys And we did not touch the whale Behold, I am Captain Kirk from Star Trek One.
Two.
Five.
Generations.
Boston Legal.
Now, Lisa, I know you miss your whale.
so I got you a pet that will never die.
An invisible dog.
Aw, look.
He's doing his business.
Hey! Not on the rug! You bad dog! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Stop biting my leg! Ow! All right, that's it.
You're going outside.
Bad dog, stop! Bluella? Oh, hey, there, Lisa.
Just oiling the old door here.
Finally silenced that mournful wail.
Oh.
Huh? No.
I'm not gonna be disappointed again.
Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! They must be Bluella's children! Hello, whale calves! Your mother lives on through you! Huh? Run! I mean, swim! I mean Those baby whales are doomed, just like their mom.
Oh! I guess it's just nature's way.
Nature is a toothless, dying hag.
We are gonna save those whale babies! Dad? Where did you get that boat? I'm taking it on a test drive from the boat store.
Get in.
Shark Week just got canceled.
Drop the 'poon! Oh, come on! Leave me alone! I'm trying to save your precious whales! We're not here to protect the whales.
We're here to protect the sharks.
Did you know that over 40 million sharks are slaughtered every year to make shark-fin soup? You like sharks? Being a true eco-activist means supporting every animal's struggle for life.
Except for cockroaches.
Yuck! Linda, please.
Puh! Typical eco-jerks, using words to talk.
Dad, no! They're right.
If the only way to save the whales is to kill another innocent creature, I can't let you do it.
Sharks, innocent? Please.
Every year, they kill a couple of people who do a series of stupid things.
A shark's reptilian brain understands only one thing-- the crime of murder.
Dad! The sharks must think you're a baby whale.
Ooh, a baby whale.
My diet is working.
Why couldn't I be eaten by a giraffe? That would be fun.
Gently bonk the shark on the nose with this.
It'll either make him go away or eat you quicker.
D'oh! Huh? Ooh, maybe the blood will scare the sharks off.
It's the baby whales' dad! Thanks, buddy! Thanks for not letting me give up, Dad.
Hey, I'd do anything for a sweet, intelligent mammal, by which I mean you.
Oh.
Do you think they'll be okay? Absolutely.
He's young, he's got two cute kids.
He'll be moving in with a sexy lady octopus in no time.
They'll have to sell their old place.
Too many memories.
But if I'm not mistaken, there's a little whale-a-puss on the way.
Tonight let's all draw pictures of what your father just said.
La mer Qu'on voit danser Le long des golfes clairs A des reflets d'argent La mer Des reflets changeants Sous la pluie La mer