The Simpsons s21e20 Episode Script

To Surveil With Love

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy Hey, what up girl? Grab my glasses, I'm out the door I'm gonna hit this city Let's go Before I leave, brush my teeth With a bottle of Jack 'Cause when I leave for the night I ain't coming back I'm talking pedicure on our toes, toes Trying on all our clothes, clothes Boys blowing up our phones, phones Drop-topping, playing our favorite CDs Pulling up to the parties Tryin' to get a little bit tipsy Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up Tonight, I'm-a fight Till we see the sunlight Tick-tock, on the clock But the party don't stop No, oh, ooh, oh, oh, oh Oh, ooh, oh, oh, oh Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up Tonight, I'm-a fight Till we see the sunlight Tick-tock, on the clock But the party don't stop No, oh, ooh, oh, oh, oh Oh, ooh, oh, oh, oh Oh, yeah! Ooh, yeah! Duffman is here to refill your beers! Okay.
Thank you.
Now, for the only thing better than Duff.
Better than Duff? Free Duff stuff! Oh, yeah! Oh! Now, who wants beer cozies?! A shirt that says "Yo!" Sassy seat cushions! And flash drives for your PC so you can take your data and back it up! Whoa! I need some of that.
And now, Duffman has a dinner date with his estranged daughter.
Must not bring up why she dropped out of college.
It's too sad! Huh.
Ha! Ha! Guess what company had a giveaway at Moe's last night? No, I won't.
Keep guessing.
What's it say, boy? Responsibly.
Oh! Kid, you've been staring at these gelatin desserts for 15 minutes.
Pick one! It's so hard to decide.
Is the yellow one lemon or pineapple? It's your pet canary.
Now scram! - Hey.
- Haw haw! You're a spaz! That's not true.
First of all, Milhouse fell because you tripped him.
Secondly, spaz is short for spastic diplegic, someone who suffers from a serious medical condition.
Thirdly, your "haw haw", through overuse, has lost its power.
I bow before your logic.
Excuse me.
I couldn't help but notice how logically you argue.
Well, I am one: flattered, and two: intrigued.
Lisa Simpson.
I'd like to invite you to join our debate team.
I didn't know we had a debate team.
Well, it's the one extracurricular activity that can't be cut, because it requires no equipment.
We're low on funding, so Ralph Wiggum will be standing in as your lectern.
I'm a furniture! And that is why hybrid car buyers should be given rebates paid for by taxes on hamburgers.
Thank you, Lisa.
Excuse me.
The podiums are needed in the art room as easels.
Yay! Megan, cross-examination.
What if someone's driving an old, but functioning, car? Wouldn't the carbon required to create a new hybrid exceed the savings in gas? Initially yes, but And isn't most electricity in the United States ultimately derived from the burning of coal? Currently.
However, solar and wind are The sun and the breeze- the two things you know a lot about.
Right, Blondie? Blondie?! Like, totally.
Why don't we get a bitchin' new perm with daddy's credit card? First of all, my father no longer has any functioning credit cards.
Secondly, how dare you refer to - Ooh, you can count to two.
- Aah.
Do you need some ice on your head? I I The winner by a hair-- a brown hair-- Megan! Ooh! Sir, that hollow mountain in Nevada that was supposed to hold a million years of nuclear waste is full.
Did they jump on the pile to smoosh it down? It went down in one place and up in another.
We need somewhere else to dispose of this plutonium.
Eh, just find the biggest idiot on our payroll and slip it in his bag.
Ooh! That's a bingo.
Good mac and cheese.
I've had better.
Down at the train station.
I'll have to check it out sometime.
Mmm! The best mac and cheese I've ever had is at a bowling alley in Ogdenville.
Mm, I am pretty full.
Breadcrumbs on the top.
I'm on my way! That bag-- surely it's attended.
Unattended bag! All panic! So, what do you think? I think we're gonna blow it up and let the bleeding heart liberals ask questions later.
Well, now, why can't it be blown up by a woman of color? Five, four.
No time for a full countdown.
Ooh, it's dinner time! This just in.
The suspicious bag detonated at Springfield Union Station today contained deadly plutonium, which can only mean one thing- a terrorist plot.
Enough radioactivity was released to create 17 Hulks and a Spider-Man.
Here's an artist's conception.
Quite disturbing.
I admit it.
Everything I've said about terrorism till now was fear-mongering.
But today, I monger the truth.
To protect our city from all future bombings, dirty, clean, dive or carpet, we have hired an outside consultant from London, England.
Does he have a cute accent? Why don't you be the judge, young lady? Ooh, he sounds just like Paddington Bear! My name is Nigel Bakerbutcher.
Sleepy London town.
Once upon a time, the only problem we had here was from overzealous Cockney flower sellers.
Flowers, guv'nor? A pretty for your buttonhole? 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.
But in London of the 21st century, the watchword is vigilance.
London is now ringed by the most comprehensive array of surveillance cameras mankind has ever seen.
Excuse me.
Is this what the framers of the constitution would want? Well, I'm Wally of Wally's Framers, and this is exactly what I want.
How many personal freedoms are we willing to give up in the name of security? That blonde girl thinks she's smart, like us dark hairs.
Again with the blonde! Why in the world would the color of the hair on someone's head have anything to do with the intelligence within? Yeah, you're so right.
I'm smart, too.
I got Joe to promise to leave his wife when I turn 50.
Eh, uh, yes.
Now, all in favor of these cameras say cheese.
Cheese! Those opposed say, "I hate America.
" I ha Oh, wait.
Motion carries.
Next up: motion to limit terms of city officials.
All in favor say, "I have sex with animals.
" I do have sex with animals, but I am not in favor of term limits.
Lisa, I know kids have been making fun of your blonde hair, so I got you this book from the Being Different section of the bookstore.
Hmm? "Sally Circle was eating donuts and Ovaltine when her father came in with terrible news.
" We're moving to Rectangu-Land! Round up the family and let's roll! "Everyone was mean to Sally.
She was too well-rounded.
She felt cornered.
They wouldn't let her play four-square or invite her to the box social.
The end.
" That's a rather unambitious book.
I want a camera on every light pole.
I want two hidden cameras there, open camera there.
Cluster! Right there! Yes! Um, you ain't gonna like what you see.
Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't make ice? She lost the recipe.
You know why it takes longer to build a blonde snowman? You have to hollow out the head.
He sure nailed you, Lis.
You're blond, too.
Blonde guys aren't dumb.
They're evil.
Like in The Karate Kid and World War II.
All right, boys.
Let's see the dark underbelly of our fair burg.
Okay, we got a litterbug on F-6, double homicide in progress on Q-20 A woman sunbathing topless on R-15! Uh, Chief, I think we got a misuse of police equipment on ZZ-99.
Gas station customer washing windshield without buying gas.
Girl using Wite-Out as nail polish.
Oh, man, this is hard.
Hey, did you get that guy who was parading around naked? He was just jogging in a tan sweat suit, Chief.
Are you sure? I thought I saw his That was a fanny pack, worn on the front.
- But there was a - Water bottle - But it was - Leaking.
That's it! That's it! I can't take another minute of these stupid screens! Go Go find some concerned citizens to pick up the slack.
Well, how many should I get? Uh, well, we've got, uh, eight chairs, so Oh, no, wait.
Put one chair in my office facing my desk, so-so I'll seem like a meetings guy.
Oh, uh Oh, have a seat.
Uh, I'll be with you in one minute.
Ah, that's a new low.
We have chosen you to help out, because you are all that rare combination.
Prying, but not pervy.
Now just follow a little formula called P.
and J.
: Peer at the monitor, Be judgmental, and Jot it down.
One way to remember that is A.
: Always Be Considering P.
and J.
But the single most important rule is the four A's: Always Act According to A.
What is it, Ned? I've got two teens in a public park goin' at it like a couple of gibbons in the back seat of Noah's Ark! Should we inform the Chief? Hmm, maybe.
But I feel a little like I'm the Tom Voyeur to these Huckleberry Sinners.
Or you could correct the behavior yourself with our Nag-a-sonic speakers.
Oi! Snogging people! What the hell was that?! Tongues where I can see them, please.
I ain't lettin' you touch me with somebody watchin'.
Come on, baby, it's just a voice.
Don't push it, Kearney.
- I'm Jimbo! - Oh, great.
Make me look easy in front of the voice.
But you are easy! Don't be ashamed of what you are! Shauna I've gone from lookie-loo to talkie-too.
Excuse me, that's your salad fork.
That Wi-Fi's for hotel guests only.
What's the matter, sir, too cool to sing "Happy Birthday?" Isn't this great, Marge? We're like Jiminy Cricket for the whole ding-dang town.
A half-man, half-bug that knows what's best for everybody.
I don't know.
I'm starting to think we're prying too much into people's lives.
And this room isn't really the best place for Maggie to hang out.
That's not Sesame Street, that's a gay bar.
Although I guess this would teach her sharing and caring, but we're going home.
Dye! Dye! Dye! Tomorrow's forecast is Okay, place your bets.
Partly cloudy.
Partly sunny.
Golf ball-sized hail! A chance of severe thunderstorms with golf ball-sized hail! Whoo-hoo! I spy, with my electronic eye, illegal wagering! Hey, weren't these cameras installed to keep America's enemies from blowin' up our homeland? Well, sir, how many times have you been blown up since the cameras went in? Zero times.
Mm-hmm! Now I'm gonna go till you give the money back.
Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm! Cut it out Cut it out! Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm! All right! All right! I'm goin' home.
It's not safe in here.
Don't use that dog as a ramp.
Less radical Less radical! Stop gleaming that cube! So, you like to watch, huh? Well, take a look at this! Huh? Hmm.
Buttocks! Tushie! Ugh! Whoa, a blind spot! Boy cheeks! Fanny! Derriere! Hiney! Backside! Cover up that coin slot! Hey, boy, whatcha doing? Experimenting with my butt.
My little Einstein.
Welcome to Chaos Corners, the Pleasure Patch, Satan's Triangle-- the one place in town no cameras can see you, and no laws can touch you.
Oh, yeah, that stopped the kicking.
Inspiration Point looks pretty uninspired.
All's quiet in Murder Town.
Yep, Springfield is cleaner than the Lord's hand towels.
Sour ball, take me away! Mm-mm-mmm.
Mmm! Mm-mmm mmm.
Another tie.
Followed by three hours of parachute repacking.
Koo-koo-roo! Koo-koo-roo! A phony bird call?! That means Marge is coming! Everyone, act legal! Homer, Maggie has to wear that clown mask for Halloween.
What's going on? Well, uh the one place the cameras can't see is right here in our backyard, so I'm charging people to do whatever they want.
Isn't that wonderful? I don't see what's so wonderful.
Remember how you wanted me to get that expensive operation? Well, now I can afford a motorcycle! Ever hear of the expression "Not in my backyard"? Well that! Nothin'.
I don't want to get Homer in trouble, but it's just plain wrong to use that blind spot to turn our backyard into a Mecca of misdemeanors! Blind spot?! Mecca?! Rod, hold up Daddy's shaving mirror out the window, would ya? I see you now.
Rod, you and Todd stay in the house.
Todd's not in the house.
No! And that's why school uniforms should not be mandatory.
Lisa, rebuttal? Dressing in uniforms is a good thing.
If everyone looks the same, it levels the playing field.
Hmm, very smart.
That's well-reasoned.
A true brunette.
It's better to just fit in with the crowd.
- She's as bright as her hair is dark! - So smart! Great point! Oh, I can't go on! This rebuttal is a sham! You aren't being persuaded by the content of my argument.
You're being convinced by the color of my hair! - Well, that-- that's absurd! - Ridiculous! Although her brown hair makes a persuasive case.
Well guess what? I am not a brunette! I'm a blonde! Roots! We must rid ourselves of these outdated clichés.
Not all blondes are dumb! Not all fat people are jolly.
Would you be jolly if you thought Comic-Con was moving to Anaheim? And not all old people are bad drivers.
This building cut me off! Who wants feet steak? Me! Me! Over here! De-meat those feet! Oh, no! I don't have to listen to you.
If I'm not on camera, you can't see me! I'm standin' right here! Everyone in this town is sick and tired of you looking over their shoulder.
"Don't leave your sprinklers on in the rain!" "Don't burn that pile of ventriloquist dummies!" Oh, but you promised! Later.
But, neighbor, why did you have to do this? I've tattled this town into a paradise! This used to be just a little part of me.
You see, Ned, your citywide nagging compressed all of our town's misbehavior into one small place.
Creating a glittering diamond of super evil.
I guess I did create this.
Like God created the devil.
God created the devil? Finally, He did something cool.
Oh, I never wanted to turn into Big Brother.
I just wanted to be little sister, tattlin' on everyone so the town would be a nicer place.
Well, if you ask me, you were trying to play God.
That's the worst sin of all, for some reason.
What can I do to make things right? You can help me take out those cameras.
Neighbor, we got some work to do.
Yes! So, sadly, the most popular reality show in England is no more.
I'll miss that Ralph Wiggum.
Reminds me of my boy.
Oh, Mummy, my cat's breath smells like cat food.
Y'all ready for this Shh!
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