The Simpsons s22e11 Episode Script

Flaming Moe

D'oh! (tires screech) (screams) (sniffing, panting) (slurping, burping) Hey, look, the late shift's leaving.
I don't like those guys.
Yeah, they think they're better than us just because their performance reviews reflect that fact.
Oh, no.
I left a candy bar in my desk.
That's funny, 'cause I found this candy bar in my desk.
Time to punch in.
(grunting) (all grunting) (whistle blows) Sir, the shifts are fighting like Iran and Iraq.
Who? Persia and Mesopotamia.
Hush! Sign your full legal name here, and your will shall be fully executed.
Charles Montgomery Plantagenet Schicklgruber Burns.
Sir, is that your will? It is.
I know it's hard to see a young buck like me and think of a day when I'm no longer in the pink.
(sneezes) We just need one more set of initials here.
Quickly, now.
We're almost through the half hour per day where you're mentally competent.
And (clock chimes) demented.
(projector clicking as piano plays animation theme) Yeah! Yeah! Yank! Yeah! Yeah! (shrieks) A dinosaur! (crow caws) (door creaking) (mechanical whirring) (creaking) BURNS: "I, C.
Montgomery Burns, "hereby divide my estate in equal shares "to the Yale University Department of Applied Evil, "Gary from Gary's Trapdoor Installation and Repair, and finally, my faithful and constant companion" Your tortoise?! Yes.
It always saddens me that you and Sheldon have never gotten along.
Sir, how could you leave me out of your will? I'm your right-hand man, your guy Friday! Smithers, you are the campiest of my aides du camp, but I'm afraid my true admiration is reserved for the self-made man.
No Steve Woz-ni-ak thee.
So you don't respect me? No, not until you earn it.
Until then, I will never see you as my equal.
Smithers wait! Yes, sir? In case you didn't hear me, I said I will never see you as my equal.
I heard you very clearly, sir.
(spray paint can rattling and hissing) Hmm.
Here's a place I can feel wanted.
You, with the six-pack-- you're in.
You, with the Ben Affleck chin and the Matt Damon everything else.
Guess what? You're in! In, in, in.
Uh, in your dreams.
Oh, come on.
I've had a rough day.
With the buzz cut and the bow tie? This is a nightclub, not a John F.
Kennedy cabinet meeting.
(laughter) (sighs) Can I have a Scotch and water? My Scotch is a Scotch and water.
Business is slow, huh? Yeah.
Frankly, I'm surprised you're not across the street, where they drink for fun, instead of here, where, uh, horrible addiction compels you.
They won't let me in.
No one wants an executive assistant who only works out six hours a day.
If only this town had a men's bar for the average-looking fellow.
BURNS: True admiration.
Self-made man.
Kill the other two heads.
True admiration.
Self-made man.
Kill them before they suspect.
Suspect what? Huh? Huh? Listen, what if I helped you turn this bar into a hangout for guys like me? Uh-huh.
Just so it's clear what I'm proposing, the men I'm talking about are (whispering): men dinner parties.
Whoa-ho-ho, whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh, no offense, uh, but, uh, I just ain't comfortable hanging around all night with, uh, you know, whatchamacallit, uh, swish kabobs.
Mm, yeah, right.
That's too bad.
Could have been fun.
Could have made a little money.
Yeah, you know, thank you, but, uh, I'm very happy with my clientele as they are.
Hey, Moe, two more for me and my buddy.
That was my grandmother's wedding urinal! All right, that's it.
We are changing this place up.
MOE: Whoa, check that out! Stuff is getting done! Look at them renovations! And finished! After this, ain't no turning back.
(grunting) B-E! Four points.
I challenge! Sorry, hobbits.
It's back to the shire for you.
Slam! Oh, gentlemen, there is no need to head home so soon.
Hmm Ew! Isn't that the place where all those rats committed suicide? (chuckling): Oh, it's totally different now.
And it welcomes men with a few extra pounds or a little less hair.
- Ooh! Ooh! Mmm.
- What a great idea! What about super-hairy Wonder Woman? No problem.
Thank you for humoring me.
So, uh, what would you gentlemen like? (laughing): I mean, I know what you'd like, and, hey, why wouldn't you like it? Oh, ain't being comfortable with something weird the best? I'm gonna pour some beers now.
(laughter and lively party chatter) Huh? Hey, something's different about Moe's.
There's no chicks here.
There's never any chicks here.
Somehow, there's more no chicks here than usual.
Something's changed.
There's a sense of acceptance in the air.
Hey, what's that guy doing in the men's room? (gasps) He's washing his hands.
I'm never gonna get that image out of my head.
Look, I have turned this bar into every other kind of bar, and it never worked.
MOE: Total disaster.
A complete bomb.
Utter failure.
Uh, dream I painted.
And in this economy, a man needs to find new customers while keeping his old best friends.
So, what do you say? Hey, there's nothing against it in the bible.
HOMER: Hmm (muttering agreement) Uh-huh.
Wait a minute! Your standard markup is 400%? Now give me that! Don't you dare question the gospel according to Dr.
Swig McJigger.
He's drinking his own brains.
(playing symphony) Children, I have an announcement.
Today is my last day as your music teacher.
(sotto voce): Come on, pretend he meant something to you.
- Stay! Stay, please! - Don't go! No! Oh, bless your little hearts.
This is a happy thing.
I met my soul mate at a local tavern.
There he is! ALL: Aw.
I'm not the soul mate! I'm dating one of your mothers.
I-I forget whose.
Anyway, I-I'm here to introduce your new music teacher, Ms.
Honey, just teach the one with the starfish head, and you'll be okay.
Teach? (laughs) You can't teach music.
You embrace music.
Oh, you inhale music.
You roll around in a pile of music until (sniffs deeply) the scent of music is on you forever! Mm, good luck with that.
(car horn honking) Tick-tock, Dewey! Tanglewood beckons! Coming, Dewey! We're both named Dewey.
Drum roll, please! (sighs) You know, this is the first time I've ever been at Moe's without that little voice in the back of my head saying, "This is not a safe place to drink.
" Check out my tolerance, Marge.
I'm going to use the men's room.
Hey, I didn't know you were, uh, you know, one of those I am not Comic Book Guy.
I am his cousin, Comic Book Gay.
But you do like comic books.
Certain kinds.
Oh, honey, no one's gonna believe that wig is real.
What do you mean, wig? And about that voice.
What's wrong with her voice? Steve, is that you? I'm gonna knock you inside out.
Doctor already did.
Hey, Moe! Looking good.
He is cute with a capital scrumptious.
Uh, Moe, tomorrow's Gay Day at Krustyland.
Want to come? Oh.
Oh, Grizzly Shawn, that-that's so nice of you to think of me, but, uh, the Tony Awards are that night, and I'll be too keyed up to have fun.
Maybe some other time.
Moe, do these guys think you're one of them? Why would they think that? Oh, I love you, Neil Patrick Hairless.
(music playing) Huh.
Yeah, maybe I should clear the air.
(music stops) (music stops playing on stereo) Uh, excuse me, fellas.
Excuse me! First of all, thank you.
This bar was on its last legs.
I was gonna have to move in with Ma, who's dead and doesn't have a house.
So, would not have been good.
Oh, yeah, that's true.
No, no, no.
Makes sense.
But now there's, uh There's something I got to tell youse.
Um If you tell them you're straight, they just might go somewhere else.
All right, all right, good point, but, uh, let's hear from Angel Moe.
I am Angel Moe.
(grunting) (demonic laugh) So, anyway, uh, what I wanted to say was, uh everybody vogue! (music plays) (strumming guitar) Children, if I learned anything from my years as a groupie for the Dave Matthews Band, it was to listen.
So now you listen to the string quartet of birds, river and wind and (panting) We haven't met (coughs) but something terrible has happened.
You misfiled the permission slips.
You keep the green.
I need the white.
Hey, come back to Earth, Mr.
Permission Man.
You're all right.
Jennifer Juniper Lives up on the hill Jennifer Juniper Sitting very still Is she sleeping? I don't think so Is she breathing? Yes, very low Whatcha doing, Jennifer, my love? Jennifer Juniper Rides a dappled mare SKINNER: Strum, strum, strum (song trails off): Jennifer Juniper Well, sir, what do you think of my business? Ooh, a splendid gentlemen's club.
You've earned my respect.
Hey, Smithers, I didn't know you were a geezer-pleaser.
Having a "lemon party"? Ooh, a good old-fashioned lemon party.
I call first squeeze.
Mmm Sir, we are way past your bedtime.
So, Moe, you wanna go to a Grease sing-along? You can be the Doody to my Frenchie.
Oh, yeah, oh, I'm so sorry, uh, but tonight I've got a long-overdue manscaping.
Yeah, but have fun.
"'Cause you are the one that I want.
" Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Moe, have you been telling the men here that you're "one of them"? Hey, it's the bartender's job to agree with the customer.
Now, enough chitchat, I gotta put up this new painting.
A Tom of Shelbyville? (groans) Just relax there, Waylon.
We got a great thing goin' on.
Now we can afford real bowls of pretzels instead of trompe l'oeiling them on the bar.
(humming tune) Huh? (squeaking) Ah.
Got one.
(swallows) (choking) (gasping) (clawing) (scraping) What am I doing here, Seymour? The thing I'm planning hasn't even gone off yet.
(screaming) That wasn't me and you're my alibi.
Yes, well (clears throat) I might have a crush on the music sub, Ms.
Simpson, here's my plan.
(groans) Ms.
Juniper is divorced, and her daughter Melody is in the third grade.
Oh, yeah, her.
Classic space case.
Well, if you took "space case" on a date and brought me to chaperone along with her mother I see how it is.
You get a booty call and I get a cootie call.
Well, it's gonna cost ya.
How would you like two weeks of spring break? Triple spring break plus four weeks at Christmas.
No, but no, if, if the state finds out, they'll shut us down.
Okay, have fun dying alone.
I can't believe I'm playing videogames with Bart Simpson.
I've sketched you so many times in my dream journal.
(growls) Great, baby.
Get me some more tokens.
(beatboxing) Oh, Bart rides that board with a passion of an Arapaho ghost dancer.
You know, passion has always been a passion of mine.
(Bart growls annoyingly) Uh, something else about me is that I'm thinking of becoming an excellent cook.
Would you love her? Yes, I would, sir Dance with me.
What? Here? Right next to the Nacho-Cano? I like you, Seymour.
You do? (voice breaking): But why? I mean, (deep voice): but why? Shh-shh-shh.
Words are your enemy, my love.
Melody is staying at her father's tonight, and, well, I can't dance by myself although I do.
(erupting) Can you believe it? Oh, this is an outrage.
This morning I was like (upbeat): Ding-a-ling-a-ling.
and now I'm like (downbeat): Dong-dong-dong.
Boys, relax, have a drink and tell Mama Moe all about it.
The city won't let us march in the Springfield Founder's Parade.
Well, who needs them? We can have our own parade.
We do.
We have, like, 20 of them.
But we're sick of being second-class citizens.
Things will never change until one of us is on the town council.
Moe should run.
He's the heart of this town's gay community.
(scowling) Will you do it, Moe? Will you become Springfield's first openly gay city councilman? Heh.
Well, I think if you guys can manage to go into the voting booth one at a time, then I can manage to win.
(cheering) Hooray for Moe! Moe, can I discuss an inventory issue with you in the back room? (nervous chuckle) You can't be these people's leader if you're lying to them about who you are.
You're not gay.
I thought it was an inventory issue.
That's a big relief.
Now don't worry, I'll let them down easy.
In four years! (bar patrons cheering) Yes! Your queen is back! (fuming) I'm walking on sunshine Not literally It means that I'm happy post-coitally It was on a school night Skinner! That song needed no lyrical improvement.
Gary Gary, you know what you need? A little honey in your yogurt.
Skinner! You're a regular Casanova.
Or in English, "new house.
" Come on, come to life! I swear I'll be nice to you.
Can I do a handstand against you? (grudgingly): Sure.
(sighs) Melody, you're a great girl, but I see you as more of a sister, and I don't like my sister.
You're breaking up with me upside down? (sobbing): Raggedy Ann was so right about you.
Thanks to you, Melody's mother is so upset, she's moving them out of town.
Good-bye, Seymour.
Think of me whenever you see a tattoo you don't understand.
Calliope, is there anything I can say to make you stay? No.
But you can say you'll come with us.
Leave with you? I'll have to check with Mother.
SKINNER: Seymour, I found a ticket stub for a James Bond movie in your pants.
Explain yourself! Well, it-it, uh took place in a country we teach about.
Fibs break baby Jesus's ribs.
(dial tone) Look, I don't know how long this will last.
It could be a day.
It could be the rest of our lives.
But you'll never know unless you take this chance.
Give yourself permission.
Willie, you're principal now.
Really? Who's the new groundskeeper? Also you, and you don't get more money.
(fanfare plays) (microphone feedback squeal) My name is Moe Szyslak, and I'm here to elect me.
(cheering) Hello, Moe.
Uh, hey there.
Well, it's my business partner, Mr.
Nice of you to drop by and not say nothin' that costs nobody no election.
But Moe, how can you be their leader when you're not one of them? ALL: Oh! I am one of them.
I only read Hustler to see the pictures of Larry Flynt.
Sounds great.
But first, answer me this: Do you find me attractive? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Like all gays, I'm attracted to all men.
Most insidious stereotype ever.
You're cute.
You want to go out later? Whoever said that, yes.
All right, if you're attracted to me, then kiss me, Moe.
Okay, okay, uh, prepare to be kissed.
Ha, here we go.
Giving in to my natural urges.
Okay, a few jumping jacks just to warm up.
Okay, here comes the airplane.
I'm sorry, everyone.
Oh, this is the most embarrassing thing I've ever had to say, but I ain't gay! (all gasping) Oh, Moe.
How could you lie about who you are when who we are is all we are? I didn't mean to.
At first, I was only gay for your money.
And, and I had real, deep feelings for that money.
But then I-I felt accepted by you in a way that I'd never been before.
I just wish you people could know what it's like to want acceptance.
Well, so who you gonna vote for? Me, or a Republican whose record is so anti-gay, he's clearly secretly super gay.
Now we don't know who to vote for, the liar or the denier.
Once again the powers that be have spurned our request for basic human equality.
Must not the heavens themselves cry with rage? (thunder crashing) How did you do that? Classical training.
(crowd murmuring) I'm very sorry.
I-I had to do what I thought was right.
Well, as long as I got nothin' to lose.
Not bad.
Like Frisbee golf, I'm glad I tried it once.
What happened? Well, it could have been a day, it could have been the rest of my life.
And? (sighs) It was only a day.
You've been gone for three months.
MOE: Puttin' everything back.
Sports page back over the urinal, and done.
Jennifer Juniper Sitting very still Is she sleeping? I don't think so is she breathing? Yes, very low whatcha doing, jennifer, my love? jennifer juniper rides a dappled mare (song fading out): jennifer (patrons murmuring) Shh!
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