The Simpsons s22e12 Episode Script

Homer The Father

(shrieks) (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (grunts) Ooh! (gunfire) (tires screeching) (horn honking, Grampa shouts) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) Hmm?! (Homer whimpers, grunts) HOMER: Hmm HOMER: Hmm?! Hey! (startled shouts) (angry jabbering) Tonight on "Kent's Korrections," it has been brought to our attention that the word "correction" is actually spelled with a "C.
" We regret any confusion this may have caused.
Lisa, mash the buttons till something good comes on.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to Tube Town, the home of Sheriff Wholesome; Black President Failed Geena Davis Sitcom 1986 The Voiceover Years Hannigan, M.
F.
A.
-- But coming up now, the classic '80s sitcom, Thicker Than Waters.
Cherish that family smile Picket fence days don't last forever The future is coming up Mom and dad and kids ♪ Are precious.
♪ (studio audience applauding) ANNOUNCER: Filmed before a live studio audience.
(chuckling): Everyone in that studio audience is dead now.
(audience applauds and cheers) (smooth, kindly voice): You know candy's bad for your teeth.
If it wasn't for candy, you'd be out of business.
(canned laughter) Hmm.
Share these with your friends.
(canned laughter, scattered applause over TV) Dad, I need a new baseball glove.
Son, if I just bought you a glove, you wouldn't appreciate it.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to earn the money for it yourself.
Aw, come on, Dad.
AUDIENCE: Aw Oh no, not "the face.
" (canned laughter, applause) Oh, life was so much easier when a machine told you when to laugh.
( Thicker Than Waters theme song playing) I liked the producing, the executive producing and especially the co-producing.
But the supervising producing was the best I've ever seen.
So anyway, that's why me and Nana are taking a break.
Aw! Oh, stupid cheap bike.
To think I was gonna put fenders on you.
Oh, my God! I think I just met the thing I'm gonna die on.
Gotta have that minibike.
Oh, my God.
I've found my new look.
Those are girl overalls.
I could pull it off.
Can I have it, Dad? Bart?! Can I? Thanks for not buying me that glove and teaching me what's really important.
Bart, son, if I bought you that bike, you wouldn't appreciate it.
Because when you get anything you want, you don't want anything you get.
What is this crap? Are you wearing a wire? (chuckles) Someday you'll understand that I'm just being a good dad.
Are you kidding? You're the worst dad who ever lived.
I'd rather take my chances in a hot car than go in a store with you.
Why, you little Homer, a good father is strong enough that he doesn't need to use his strength.
What Bart needs is for you to strangle him with your love.
Hmm.
I never thought of fatherhood as something that could affect a kid.
Son, I won't strangle you anymore, but I also won't get you that minibike.
How about this? I let you punch me in the face and you get me a snowmobile.
I wish I could, son.
I really wish I could.
Now it's ready for garbage.
(sighs, groans) What's wrong, Homie? Bart's mad because he wanted me to buy him something, but I didn't think it was the right thing to do-- Marge, not in front of the refrigerator.
(passionate moan) There's nothing sexier than a man being a good dad.
Whoa.
Oh, well, in that case, Lisa was using her solar calculator yesterday, so I opened the drapes to let in more sun.
(gasps) (chuckles) Just hope the kids didn't hear us.
Well, maybe your kids didn't.
(grunts) Lise, I gotta talk to you.
I'm busy.
(high-pitched voice): Don't you minimize me! (high-pitched squeal) Fine.
Just get in here.
How can I earn money to buy the world's most awesome thing? You could deliver newspapers.
Kids don't deliver newspapers anymore.
It's just creeps in trucks.
(exasperated sigh) Maybe if you buckle down and get good grades, Dad will give you money.
Does he give you money for getting good grades? I've been doing the family's books for years.
I take what I need.
You were right, Dad.
By not telling the teacher that Jimmy cheated on the French test, it's like I cheated.
Well, as they say in Paris, "Ma voiture est pleine de crème glacée.
" You just said, "My car is full of ice cream.
" (canned laughter and applause) Dad, if I get an "A" on my math test, would that be worth some money? Well, in season two, when Sam got good grades, he got a very surprising reward.
And if you do it, son, you'll get the same.
There's no way that means anything other than I get a minibike.
To the library! (chortles cheerfully) Hmm? Hmm (classical music playing) (Milhouse screaming) Aah! 'Tis the playground ghost! I swear I didn't mean to kill ya! It's me, Willie-- Bart Simpson.
Oh, oh, right.
(nervous chuckle) There's no such thing as a playground ghost.
How could you mistake him for me? It was that sassy mouth that got ye killed in the first place.
TV ANNOUNCER: Coming up next on Tube Town: he's in your face from outer space-- Upscalien in Da House! (late '80s-style rap sitcom theme playing) There once was an alien whose mother called him Trey From the fanciest planet in the Milky Way Stole his dad's ship, took it for a trip Saw Lake Erie on his radar and he thought he'd take a dip.
(beatboxing) I did it.
I got an "A"! That's great.
('70s-style disco playing) (laughing) Uh, Dad, if we could get to the reward? Son, you already have your reward-- the feeling of accomplishment you can only get from hard work.
What the?! I wanted a minibike! I told all my friends I was getting one.
Well, if they care that much about whether you have a minibike, then they weren't really your friends.
Yes, they were! But now they won't be! Because I don't have a minibike! (angry groan) Hmm, if this were a TV show, that would be a hell of an act break.
But it could use a button.
(chuckling): Oh, well, what if I said Well, if you (whimpers) Eh.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to I Lost Lucy.
Mrs.
Carbuncle, I need you back at the bank.
Robert Wagner is coming in to open a checking account.
Yah still see that crow on shows sometimez.
ANNOUNCER: Coming up on Tube Town: the '80s classic, Supreme Courtney.
according to the principle sublato fundamento, cadit opus, we need to look at Hargrove v.
the State of New York, in which the court firmly adhered to the (smitten gibberish) (canned laughter and applause) Stupid jerk.
He owes me a minibike, and I am going to get it.
(laughing) (doorbell ringing) Hey, Apu.
Mr.
Homer, you inadvertently left your nuclear plant security badge in the birthday card rack.
HOMER: Can't lose that.
It's the best picture of me I have.
Well, I am more concerned with global terrorism.
America's enemies would give anything for your nuclear knowledge.
Yeah, I do know a lot about nuclears.
And America has so many enemies: Iran, Iraq, China, Mordor, the hoochies that laid low Tiger Woods, undesirable immigrants, by which I mean everyone that came after me, including my children so I'm offering to trade your country nuclear secrets for a minibike.
Concludingly yours, Bart Simpson.
Hmm hmm! Marge, would you like a Thicker Than Waters collectible plate? Homer, you can't order anything from that magazine.
It's 25 years old.
Oh, yeah? I'll show you.
"TV Guide Offer, One World Trade Center" Did I get any mail today, Mom? Uh, well, of course you did.
A gutter cleaning coupon? Hey, they're your gutters, too.
Oh! (grunting with effort) Huh? You must've found out about my letters.
(chuckles nervously) They were just a joke.
Really? That's too bad.
Because we are very interested in your offer.
Uh, you're just lucky we picked you up before the FBI got to you.
Another disgrace for the French Bureau of Investigation.
Don't forget us, the A-Team of Finland.
I pity the fool who messes with B.
A.
Backstrom.
("A-Team"-like theme plays out) We accept your offer.
The secrets from your father's nuclear plant for one Street Assassin minibike.
Just transfer everything to this flash drive.
I don't know.
Can I really betray my country? I say the Pledge of Allegiance every day.
You pledge allegiance to the flag.
And the flag is made in China.
Hmph.
ANNOUNCER: We return to "Thicker Than Waters," the E! True Hollywood Story.
" NARRATOR: Digby Sheridan, who played Patrick, had enormous problems with the show.
(British accent): Crap, total crap.
You, writer, what's your name? Um, David Mamet.
Well, Mr.
Mamet, why don't you (bleep) learn how to (bleep) write a (bleep) script! Hmm (bleep).
I could use that.
Dad, I was thinking about it, and you're right.
You shouldn't buy me something I didn't earn.
And because you gave me the tough love I didn't know I needed, I'm gonna be spending lots and lots more time with you.
Aw.
(sneaky chuckle) He's buying it.
I'm buying it! Cherish that family smile Picket fence days don't last forever The future is coming up Mom and Dad And kids are precious.
I love visiting you at work, Dad.
And I love having you here, son.
'Cause you can wake me up if somebody comes.
(snoring) Check this out, Bart.
One of those retinal scan dealies.
It only opens to my eye or an exact copy.
(laughs) Let's see if this works.
(beep) (bell chiming) Ooh! Damn, that hurt! I'll just use my eye.
(buzzes) (screams) Sweet dreams, boy.
They will be if you're in 'em, Pops.
(both laugh) Aw, they gave me my own vanity plate.
(motor revving) (yawning) You're gonna love meeting my friends.
(whistles tune, screams) Where the hell did that come from? It's from me, son.
Want me to take it up to your bed so you can snuggle with it? No! Why in the world would you get me this? Because you've been such a great kid lately, and I wanted to show you I appreciated it.
Oh.
That's great.
(chuckles) I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China (suspiciously): Something wrong, Bart? You betrayed your country for no reason.
Now you're gonna see stars and stripes forever! (grunting) (groans) (squawking) I've got summer squash! Mm, the boy's acting really weird.
I did everything that TV show told me to, and he's still not happy.
Well, maybe you shouldn't listen to a 30-year-old TV show that only got on the air 'cause the creator had evidence the network president ran over a guy.
Where's he going? Why on earth would a child go to the zoo? (gasps) (gasps) It's still here.
Yes! I get the flash drive back and the manila envelope! Aha! Typical American treachery! I can't believe a boy who would betray his country would betray a different country.
Unbelievable! Terrible! Masters, I can explain.
Explain nothing! Hand over the flash drive.
(gulps) (all gasp) Then you leave us no choice.
A teddy bear?! A teddy bear made in China.
(electricity crackles) Step away from the traitor! Dad! The boy's flash drive may be in there, but I've got a lifetime of nuclear secrets up here.
Okay, but don't I know what you're saying.
I understand food talk in every language! American fatso, your knowledge helped us build this plant.
We would like you to have the honor of cutting the ceremonial ribbon.
Um, I'll see myself out.
Okay, who can take me to the airport for less than $20? I can stand here all day.
Oh, my feet hurt.
You know, Dad, I really did have a good time hanging out with you.
Well, now it's time for the best kind of bonding-- sitting next to each other in silence, staring blankly at the TV.
They fight and fight, they fight and fight and fight Fight-fight-fight, fight-fight-fight! (bees buzzing) (growls) (both guffawing) It's good enough.
Let's go home.
Rebecca, you briefly inspired the hairstyle called "The Lizzie.
" Is "The Lizzie" with us here tonight? I was clear with your people that I would not recreate "The Lizzie.
" Oh, but "The Lizzie" is here.
(high-pitched voice): "I shouldn't judge my prom date "just because he's in a wheelchair.
I should judge him by who he is in here.
" (normal voice): The family hugs.
Ew.
I slept with everyone in the cast, including the dog.
To quote Matthew Perry from Friends, "too much information.
" And to quote Dwayne from What's Happening, "Hey Hey Hey.
" HOMER: Cherish that family smile Picket fence days don't something-something The future is coming soon Mom and Dad and kids Are something.
(homer sobs) (sobbing): My favorite song now.
Sorry, "Don't Fear The Reaper.
" (sobbing) Everybody! Air guitar! Come on, do it with me.
Use your whammy bar! Whoo! Now fuzz it up! (electric guitar ends theme with a flourish) Excellent.