The Simpsons s22e14 Episode Script

Angry Dad: The Movie

(tires screeching) D'oh! (grunting) (whistles blow, buzzer sounds) (speaking Chinese) (whipping air) Gah! (guffawing) So the family's still gone.
What do I do now? Let's get this party started.
Bart's been alone for 23 minutes.
Let's get this yo on the road, people.
Wait, I haven't chosen my mix-in.
Okay, I'll take some of that.
Well, that's my tip jar.
Mix it in! (whirring) Whoa, mama! (laughing) (wind whipping) Let me freshen that up for you.
(belches) I love Saturday! (whimpering) I'm gonna kill you, boy.
(laughing) (whimpering, shouting) (grunts) I'm bored.
HOMER: That's it, boy! I'm eating your yogurt! You ate his yogurt in the car.
He didn't know that.
Stupid kid.
All you do is cost me money.
Money I could be wasting.
(doorbell rings) Is Bart Simpson here? Because I'm about to make him and his family very wealthy.
Wealthy?! Hey, remember the guy who drove you to school that one time.
(laughs) I should introduce myself.
My name is Herman Milwood, and my company makes The Aero Chair.
The most comfortable ergonomic chair there is.
So, what brings you here, Mr.
Chair? Bart, do you remember this? (angry growling) That's Angry Dad, the semi-autobiographical Web cartoon I created.
I legally forced him to say semi.
The multimillion dollar Internet startup that put Angry Dad on the net ordered a lot of my chairs.
Bye, bye Bye, bye But when the tech bubble popped (yelling) the chairs were never paid for, so we repossessed the only thing they had left-- the cartoons.
And most importantly, Angry Dad, because now I want to make it into a movie.
My stupid cartoon a movie?! Thank you! Oh, don't thank me.
Thank Hollywood for being completely out of good ideas.
My little Roman Polanski.
Homer! What? What's wrong with being Roman Polanski? (whispering) He what? You monster! (jabbering angrily) Thanks for letting me make this movie, Mr.
Milwood.
I've always loved cartoons, going way back to the real early SpongeBobs.
Well, I think your movie has real potential.
Everyone has an angry dad, even me.
What the hell are you making chairs for? In this family, we sit on the ground! (sniffles) Now, Bart, this is where we will help you bring your vision to life.
Oh, my God, that's Bart Simpson! And Angry Dad himself.
It's like meeting Mickey Mouse and Walt Disney at the same time.
(high-pitched laugh, like Mickey Mouse) Mr.
Simpson, I'm in charge of the team that animates your ass.
Anything you can give us from real life? Observe.
(grunting) (groans) (all gasping) Wow.
Whoa! (mutters) (hiss) Uh! Soda? No, thanks.
Eh.
More for me.
(gulping) Bart, we've got some bad news.
The actor who did the original voice of Angry Dad can't do the movie.
He blew out his voice screaming about how he never got paid.
The first time around.
Oh, man.
What can we do? Well, the cartoon's based on your dad.
Maybe he can do the voice.
Can he get angry on cue? (humming) (gasps, humming) (humming angrily) Oh! (yelling) (grunting) (Homer growling) Hey, Homer, you want to be the voice of Angry Dad? (yelling): It would be an honor! Thanks for coming out.
One announcement.
The voice Angry Dad will be on a speaker phone today.
HOMER: There's something going on at the nuclear plant that's a little more important than your table read.
(clears throat) Angry Dad: The Movie.
"Angry Dad addresses the family from the top of the stairs.
" Family, today I graduate from my anger-management class.
"Angry Dad slips and crashes down the stairs.
" "Pained noises.
" No, Dad, don't say "pained noises.
" You make pained noises.
Oh, okay.
Lenny, hit me with that chair.
LENNY: Okay.
(whack, Homer moans) (dial tone) Hi, everyone.
I'm Bart Simpson, the creator of Angry Dad.
To make this film, I had to miss countless hours of school.
And there was also some hardship.
I hope you like it as much as I do.
The Movie! What did they think? Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
We'll look at the tape of the audience watching the movie.
(laughter, whistling) Now comes the part where the movie actually starts.
(angry muttering) For God's sake, turn it off! Turn it off! (dejected): Oh.
Don't feel bad, boy.
Everyone makes mistakes.
Yours is just public and expensive.
You know, your movie's not all bad.
If you cut out the stuff that didn't work, it would make a great short film.
A short film?! Many great directors like Wes Anderson, Frank Tashlin and Tim Burton started with short films.
Name one more.
Taylor Hackford.
Well, I don't know who that is, but I'm convinced.
Let's start cutting.
(doorbell ringing) Bongiorno.
Where is the Bart-a Simpson? - I am the Bart.
- Bravissimo.
You know me as Luigi, the spaghetti guy.
But I am here in my capacity as a member of the Hollywood Foreign Press.
Your animated short, Angry Dad, or as we call it in the pizza English-- Papa Apoplectica, she has-a been a-nominated for a Golden Globe.
(all gasping) Now if you'll excuse me, I have some unhappy news to deliver to Sir Anthony Hopkins.
Sir Anthony, your pizza-- She's a-gonna be late.
Damn you.
Damn you to hell! Huh? What? (gasps) The creative team from Mixar! Pardon me.
I have seen all of your movies-- except Cars-- and I can't believe my brother is in the same category as the digital Rembrandts of my generation.
So that makes your brother the competition.
Randy, tell her how we feel about that.
You've got an enemy You've got an enemy You better have nine lives because we have eight knives Yes, you've got an enemy You've got an enemy.
(scatting) Hate your guts (scatting) Hi.
Yeah, it's me, Ricky Gervais.
Tanqueray gin and tonic, please.
I'm paid to drink that in my movies.
The amount isn't important.
A lot to you-- let's be honest.
Not so much to me.
Aw.
Okay, you missed it.
But I just put a tip in there.
A big one.
Double digits, ten.
The lowest of the double digits, but nevertheless, ten dollars.
So a lot of money to you.
Less to me.
But ten dollars nonetheless.
Look at it.
The ten? That was there before.
It was not! Who else in here is going to tip ten dollars?! Keith Urban? Helen Mirren? I don't think so.
They don't have the common touch, do they? Like me.
You've seen that.
We've bonded.
You're thinking, "Wow, he's rich.
He's famous.
He's got great abs.
" Personal trainer.
You couldn't afford that.
I used to be fat.
I used to eat junk food.
You probably still do.
But you're going, "Wow, look at him.
How much did that suit cost him?" Nothing.
I got it for free.
That's what happens when you're a celebrity.
Helen.
Helen.
She can't hear me.
Helen! Mirren! Who does she think she is? Fur coat, no knickers.
Anyway, mate, your ice is dripping.
ANNOUNCER: And now, to present the Golden Globe for best animated short, Russell Brand.
It's great to be here with all the old friends I haven't seen since rehab.
No, no, I'm just kidding.
None of you are my friends.
And now, the nominees for best animated short.
The Brothers of Beauville.
(inhaling) (sneezes) (inhales) (sneezes) (inhales) (wheezes) (sneezes) (laughing) (laughing) Saakashvili Spring.
(sneezes) (sobbing) Condiments by Mixar.
And Angry Dad.
(Homer whoops alone) And the Globe goes to Angry Dad! (gasps) I have many people to thank.
Angry Dad's voice is part Walter Matthau-- (mimics Matthau): Hey, Felix-- part Little Richard-- Whoo! and a little bit of Snoopy when he cries: (crying like Snoopy) (laughter) This is insane! He didn't show up for work, he badmouthed the movie on Jimmy Fallon, and now he's hogging all the credit! Don't worry, sweetie.
This is just the first of way too many award shows.
You'll get your chance to say ridiculous things.
I'd like to thank Mr.
Speedy Pants Repair for sewing up my pants just before the ceremony (orchestra playing) and the woman who has inspired me every day for the past 25 years, the cute one from The Bangles! See you at the cool party! (grand, noble orchestral music playing) (phone rings) (garbled): Hello.
I'm wearing my retainer.
Angry Dad got an Oscar nomination?! I'm going to the Oscars not as a seat-filler I'll get a gift basket, but I won't declare it.
Hey, don't you know it's awards season? Who's calling you at 5:00 in the morning, anyway? Ah, nobody.
Wrong number.
If I find out it's a right number, you're in big trouble! (chuckles) It's Bart Simpson, writer-director of Angry Dad! And you are with? My lame-o sister Lisa.
And Lisa, who are you wearing? I believe it's from Lamps Plus.
And where's the Angry Dad himself? Where's Homer Simpson? Homer? I don't know.
L.
A.
's a world-class city with a lot to offer.
He's probably enjoying the sights.
(creaking) Uh-oh.
Yo-yo-yo! Why you messing with Simon Rodeo's folk-art masterpiece?! Check it out! That's Angry Dad! Hey, why ain't you at the Oscars, A.
D.
? Oscars? What are you talking about? My son gave me this list of awesome things to do in L.
A.
"Chatsworth"? That's where the 118 meets Topanga Canyon, fool! Someone must not want you at that kudo-cast, yo.
Damn, Home Simp, you been Oscar-blocked! What you think about that, Nasty J? That's cold.
Hmm, who could possibly want to stop me from accepting an award? My category comes up pretty soon.
I home free as long as this Oscar show is tight and fast-paced.
Sound mixers may not be glamorous, but they make us sound so good.
Without them, we'd be up a creek without a decibel.
(both chuckle) California No worries, A.
D.
, we got time.
We'll get you over to your venue and pick up some dim sum on the way.
According to this live blog, Ben Stiller and Jack Black are doing a bit that will not end.
Turn it off, turn it off! For God's sake, turn it off! And now please welcome Academy Award winner Halle Berry.
When most people think of animated movies, they think of 40 minutes or more, but there is another type of animated film: Conductor, get ready to play my song.
And the winner is not going to be announced until we watch a lengthy clip from each short.
Condiments by Mixar.
The Tabasco brothers got Frenchy! We're gonna have to leave the kitchen.
(all gasping) I don't want to go! I don't want to go! Wake me for the syrupy ending.
Timmy's coming! Assume your positions! (humming happily) My God, I'm empty! Don't let 'em put pencils in me! (groans) (glass shatters) (tires screech) Thanks, Rollin' 80s.
Hey, you two are honorary members for life.
That means any other gang sees you, they'll kill you.
I was born a Rollin' 80 and I'll die a Rollin' 80! Willis and Crumble in Better Gnomes and Gardens.
Not to worry, Miss Penny Farthing, Crumble will soon have your garden gnomes back in tip-top condition.
(engine chugging) (whirring) (laughs) He's good as new! You must come in for a spot of tea and a homemade Marmite sandwich.
Homemade Marmite?! And made by a woman with such gentle hands.
(tittering) (whirring) (squirts) Crumble! Crumble! Where has that silly dog got to? (screams) Oh, my! Good luck, Mr.
Park.
There will be no shame in losing to you.
Oh, that's very sweet of you.
Thank you for saying so.
(gasps) (chuckles) No worries.
I'll just stick 'em back on.
I'm more clay than man now.
And finally, Angry Dad.
(slurping) (angry grunt) No free refills! (growling) (roaring) (slurping) Ah! Damn, that's good! And for best animated short, the Oscar goes to Wait, one last moment about me.
Every night, I dream that my teeth fly out of my mouth.
Angry Dad.
Yes! (orchestra plays lively tune) This is it! I finally get to accept an award for my movie.
Except it's not just my movie.
It was my sister's idea to make this into a short.
And so many animators.
Every day was somebody's birthday.
And you know what? It was my dad's movie, too.
I only wish he were here, and not at Cerritos Auto Square.
You got your wish, boy.
I'm proud of you.
I'm sorry I took all the credit.
This whole thing is silly.
I mean, isn't the idea of one person taking credit for an entire movie the stupidest thing you ever heard? You make a lot of good points, Bart, a lot of good points.
You're a very thoughtful kid.
You remind me of Deborah Kerr in Black Narcissus.
Anyway, granted, despite what André Bazin might say, films are a collaborative art form.
But hey, you can't give an Oscar to everyone.
We can still order a replacement from the Academy, right? Hey, they're, like, five bucks on eBay.
Oh, hi.
Ricky Gervais.
Um, such an honor to meet you, Sir Ridley.
I love your movies.
Or as I call them, "films.
" Um, glad I bumped into you, actually, because I'm looking to expand beyond comedy.
(sobbing) I know what you're thinking, Sir Ridley.
You're thinking, "Oh, my word! "He's been making me laugh all these years, "but now he's moving me as well! I'm gonna have to put him in my new film!" (sobbing) What do you think? I'm a seat-filler.
Well, why couldn't you have said that a minute ago? Don't take any of my ideas.