The Simpsons s22e15 Episode Script

The Scorpion's Tale

(machine gun firing) Ah! (school bell ringing) (burps) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! Meep, meep.
Meep, meep.
OTTO: Hey, this was one of the planets on Star Trek.
It's so hot I want to wedgie the sun.
I wet my arm-pants.
Children, I hope we all have a pleasant and orderly day here at "Satan's Anvil.
" No one knows why the early settlers called it that, and I suppose we never will.
Now remember to stay hydrated, and (rattling) Rattlesnake! (laughing) Ha! You fall for that every year, Seymour.
And the one year I didn't, I was bitten by an actual rattlesnake.
Yes, if I recall, you took a sick day you did not have.
I was going to lose my foot.
Of which you have two.
Mm Ah! (humming) Greetings, desert dwellers.
Git out.
The second we let one trespasser on our land, then every goldang (squeaking) Aw, for crying out loud, It's like Grand Central Station around here.
Now, Delbert, be nice.
He's just a boy.
Oh, sure, first they send a boy, then a prairie dog, then they send in them black helicopters.
(rifles cocking) Sir, you have won a National Endowment For The Arts grant for your scrap-metal sculptures.
You'll have to put that check in my cold dead hands.
Hmm.
This park's environment has been preserved free of invasive species, except for one rock climbers.
Uh, my jaw is not a toe-hold.
But if I reach your summit, I'll have climbed rangers on seven continents.
Fine.
(grunting) (loud snap) Oh, I sprained my ankle! (sobbing) I'm gonna die up here.
Hang on, I'm coming up for you.
Hurry before it gets dark.
This next move is tricky.
Yeah.
(grunts) (hums) Oh, my God.
The legends are true.
Did you find gold? Better the prospectors left naughty French postcards.
Whoa, mama! Bart, this is fool's porn.
I'll take it off your hands.
C'est si bon.
Si bon.
Si bon.
And remorse.
(bird squawking) "While beautiful, the desert also harbors hidden dangers: "cacti, poisonous snakes, and most deadly of all Scorpions!" (whimpering) (yelling) (gasps, curious grunt) They calm down when they're near the Springfield Silvertongues.
Hmm.
(gasps) Now they're aggressive again.
I'm sure there's a correlation, but could there be a causation?! These flowers saved me from a terrible fate not getting an "A" on my next science project.
(laughs) Lisa, we have to go.
Milhouse found a hippie skeleton and he's freaking out.
Never get off the bus! Never get off the bus! Check it out! Something pathetic's going on.
You can't throw me out! I'm not dead yet! That's the deal, man! I'm sorry, Abe, but you're just too cranky.
I got a right to be cranky.
The food stinks and the TV's only got one channel.
That's a fish tank.
You're a fish tank.
That is so hurtful.
(sobbing) I wish I was a fish tank.
Then I could filter out his nasty words.
Call me a fish tank Just go, Abe.
That doesn't seem fair they won't let him escape, then they kick him out.
I wonder where he'll go.
Either the grave or somewhere much worse.
(sputtering) Sour cream and chives? In my day, all we put on potatoes was pine needles and barber hair.
I hate this century.
Okay, we're going to take turns having Grampa as a roommate.
Who wants to go first? (baby girl's voice): Me! Me! I want him every night, forever and ever.
'Cause I love my (muffled) Nose in a funny book, how rude.
Ain't you never heard of conversation? (sighs) Fine.
How's it going? Terrible.
I got this new roommate and he won't stop yapping.
Here's an experiment for you: Find a man who wants to marry a lady poindexter.
(laughs) MARGE: Homie Hey, you call that making love? Homer, I told you he wouldn't sleep through it.
In my day, women didn't make a sound.
LISA: This calls for some Springfield Silvertongue.
Dad, look.
This essence of a wildflower makes these angry scorpions docile.
That's great, honey.
If you were a boy, you'd be a scientist.
GRAMPA: Back off, you mutt.
Or I'll make dog-head soup out of you.
Hmm, if it works on nasty scorpions, then maybe it'll work on nasty stains.
It does.
(grunts) And there's something else it might be good for.
(noisy chewing and swallowing) Why are you guys eating so fast? Trying to get out of here before Grampa wakes up.
(footsteps thudding, Grampa muttering) That's him! Mom, quick, our lunches! Go! Save yourselves! (gasps) Good morning, family.
It's such a beautiful day, I thought I'd take my little friend here for a walk.
Abe, are you feeling all right? Never better.
The sun is shining, there's a spring in my slippers and my wonderful son woke me up with a delicious cup of coffee.
Hmm Dad, is there anything unusual in Grampa's coffee? Uh, you look tense.
Let's discuss this over a cup of Grampa's coffee.
(shuddering giddily) Here you go, champ.
Go buy yourself some rock-and-roll records.
To the antique store.
(humming tune) Now, what can I do for you? Eat something green? Vote for someone brown? Dad, I know what you did.
(Homer screams) (doorknob rattling) And I locked the back door.
HOMER: D'oh! and that's why you're acting so sweet and kind.
Because Dad drugged you.
Oh, thank you! Thank you! (laughing) Your kisses feel like raw liver.
But it's not real happiness.
It's just because of an untested drug.
So what? There are no guarantees in life.
We don't know if this knife is safe.
Turns out it's not.
The point is, when I'm cranky, nobody likes me, sweet pea.
Let me live as a happy man for my remaining 30 years.
Come on, come on, make with the laffy juice.
I want to take Grampa to have his belly button pierced.
I could hang my Purple Heart from it.
Ya-da-dee-dee-dee, la-da-da-da-da-da-da Ya-da-dee-dee Do-do-do, do-do-do-do It was wrong of me to play goddess.
Everything everyone just said is either obvious or wrong.
Homer, do something about your dad.
He's casting a pall over this grim dungeon full of losers.
Pfft! Dungeon?! We can leave anytime we want.
Homer, why don't you just make some more of the serum yourself? Oh, because Lisa won't tell me what flower it's from.
Excuse me My name is Walther Hotenhoffer and I'm in the pharmaceutical business.
I was wondering when that guy was gonna state his name and occupation.
Quiet! Sir, has your daughter found a drug that renders old people tolerable to us normals? Yeah, but Lisa won't tell me how to make it.
Lisa is irrelevant.
You'd better elaborate.
All I need is one drop of extract, and I can synthesize the drug at my plant.
But where do I find that drop? Nein Nein Nein Nein Aha! Not so fast, Fritz.
Before you waltz off with my grampa grease, I want to know what did you do during the war? World War II? I wasn't born yet.
Funny how many Germans say that these days.
(humming tune) Hmm? (grunts) (panting) (Homer groans) WALTHER: From that one droplet, I have synthesized Please identify the one that is ausgezeichnet.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Can't feel my fingers.
Feel 'em too much.
Erection.
Derection.
I smell music.
Oh, this'll never work.
But when you're doing it with people you love, you just can't help smiling.
(both gasp) Jawohl.
I've isolated the molecule.
(laughing) Nerd.
Now we test him.
"How do you feel about the high salaries of today's baseball players?" Oh, don't get me started on that one.
They're just plain better than the greats of my day.
God bless them, and their refusal to learn English.
(laughing) Huh? This one didn't make me feel anything.
(howling): D'oh! These are my "Suitcase Suzies," who will use their beauty and free giveaways to make sure our drug is prescribed.
Cool.
Are they robots? No, robots can develop human feelings.
We're graduates of Arizona State.
We scoop them up by the sorority.
Uh this is the nerd fraternity.
Drop them in research.
Nice.
Thank you for the tour of your factory, Mr.
Wonka.
I am not Willy Wonka.
No, no.
You're Augustus Gloop, the fat German boy.
Ja, it is true, I am Gloop.
Being stuck in that tube changed me in so many ways.
Gentlemen, we've been doing a lot of funny things today, but now I must be scary.
Go ahead.
Here is the prototype of our pill.
Grampapa, no one but you should take this drug until it has been through rigorous trials.
Be careful if the wrong hands got hold of it, a fortune could be made by selling this drug on the black market.
Hmm wrong hands, eh? That's your cue, boys.
(smug chuckling) You sell drugs.
Why can't you dress like that? Because I use them, too, idiot.
MRS.
SKINNER: No wonder you've still got pimples at your age.
You got all this candy in your desk.
They're Tums, for my acid reflux.
Even your acid wants out of you.
(knocking) I got something to stuff in that old bag.
(grunts) Accursed tide.
Flee from my wrath.
No! I've been moistened! I've got some junk to put a smile on that corpse.
(chuckles) (chuckles) Don't player hate.
I'm just a businessboy.
All right, Bart.
What are you up to now? Now that's what I call a fishing trip.
(gasps) That's what I was gonna call it.
(laughing) Wait, I can't go in there grinning like a Swede on payday.
It'll rile up poor Lisa if she knows I'm still popping that smiley-pill.
Oh, yeah you better "grump it up.
" (clearing throat) (mumbling) Three dollars for a cup of coffee?! In my day it cost you a dime and they gave you back a quarter.
And another thing the, uh It's okay, Grampa you don't have to act grumpy.
I know you're taking the drug, and I don't mind, 'cause you're happy.
Oh! Thanks, sweetie.
I'm sorry I was so stubborn.
I hope you're not mad.
Oh, I ain't mad, and I never will be again thanks to your wonderful, wonderful (all screaming) Let me finish: thanks to your wonderful, wonderful drug.
(gasps) It happened to the scorpions, too.
The flower essence must have the side effect of lubricating the eye sockets to the point of popping.
More saline, please.
At some point, I think we should see a doctor.
No, it's cool it's like we got our own monster.
Your grandfather is not a monster.
Now, let's chain him in the basement until the circus comes to town.
Sounds good.
At least no one else has taken this drug.
(loud gulp) Bart, why are you tugging on your collar? It better be tonsillitis.
Well, actually I may have accidentally traded a few of those pills for money (all gasping) Which I may have already spent, ironically, on these novelty eyeglasses.
Howdy, handsome.
Look! Ooh! (laughs) Ooh, yeah, yeah.
Who loves Mommy's eyeballs? Oh, there's a kitty gonna sleep good tonight.
Yes, you are.
So, I guess we're all in the same boat, huh? Nein, nein.
My boat is me and hundreds of lawyers.
Your boat has you and a lot of people with their eyes falling out.
Walther, when a man puts something on a Frisbee, he should stand by it.
See? You are right.
As always, the Frisbee is the mirror to the soul.
Mr.
Hotenhoffer, there's a mob outside.
An angry mob? No, a cheerful mob.
I'd like to have just one day when I don't put a gun to my head.
(cheering) Now, I ain't much for speeches (popping) But we sure do appreciate what you done for us, and, uh, we were just hoping we could get more of that drug.
Lots more.
(cheering) Those poor googly-eyed fools.
I cannot exploit them like this.
I will have to be content exploiting their fear of losing hair and penis.
I will destroy the drug.
(crowd jeering) What? Well, I never Walther, let's not be so hasty.
Who would begrudge them a few years of shambling, dope-fogged, into the grave? Besides, our generation's got everything under control.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I was supposed to be drunk an hour ago.
To Moe's.
Flat tires? No problem.
Oh! Homer, use your head.
Just buy a new car.
Great idea, but I don't have any money.
You could take out a loan with your house as collateral.
And I wouldn't have to pay it back for three more years.
What are the odds of that much time happening? Pretty close to zero, I'd say.
Problem solved.
Generation awesome does it again.
Boo-ya! Oh, yes! All right, you googly-eyed geezers, turn up your hearing aids I've got something to say.
(feedback squealing) Together, we survived the Depression, won a few wars and put a man on the moon.
In fact, the only mistake our generation made was creating that generation.
(all cheering and laughing) If we want to set these bumblers straight, it's going to take all the crankiness we can muster.
So put down those pills, pop in your eyeballs and "upside-down" them smiles.
(cheering) Let's do as he says.
(chuckles) Wow, their "can-do" will bail out our "won't-try" every time.
So I guess the lesson here is If you go on a field trip, don't break off from the group.
And if you are a fat little boy in a chocolate factory, never try to drink from the river.
The tube.
My God.
Every night I see the tube.