The Simpsons s22e22 Episode Script

The Ned-Liest Catch

(marching band playing) (song ends) Well done, the band.
We're all bursting with pride after our girls' basketball team beat Shelbyville two-nothing in triple overtime! Now let's make some noise.
Using our (loudly): inside voices! (quiet cheering, drum roll) Please welcome Springfield Elementary's own Lady Pumas! (applause) (all gasping) I'm sorry, but the team all got food poisoning at the pre-rally egg salad sandwich party.
Luckily, as equipment manager, I was not invited! (whoops) No team? Oh, I guess I just have to give you all an hour of free play.
(loud cheering) Let chaos reign! (grunting) (microphone squeals) Actually, I do have a speech prepared.
Excellent, Lisa.
Free play cancelled.
(all groaning) No one cancels my free play! (grunts) Sorry, man.
It's okay.
Thanks for making me part of the revolution.
Edna, control your student! He's ruined more assemblies than the afternoon sun in the west window.
He's uncontrollable! Pumpkin stickers mean nothing to him! That's crazy talk.
(laughing) (groans, whirring) (yelling and groaning) Wee! Me bleachers have been weaponized! Abandon gym! (bell ringing) (kids yelling) (yelling) (sighs) (grunts, groaning) (Bart laughing, Mrs.
Krabappel groans) (Bart laughing) Huh? You unrepentant little twerp! (grunts) (clamoring stops) (Bart grunts, children gasp) (gasping stops) Oh, Edna.
It was an open hand.
Does that help? SKINNER: Edna, we can tolerate mild alcoholism, leaving melted cheese in the microwave, even selling A's for cigarettes.
But in laying a hand on a student, you have crossed a line.
Nurse, get a slap kit.
Right away, sir.
In all my years of teaching, I've never raised a hand to a student.
But you learned! You grew! No! You should never raise your hand to a child.
Just leave the crust on their sandwiches.
They'll get the message.
Rest assured, Mrs.
Simpson, that we have a zero-tolerance policy for this sort of thing when it occurs in front of witnesses.
What's going to happen to me? Edna, you're suspended with full pay until the hearing, which is currently scheduled for 57 years from tomorrow.
It was going to be 60, but I moved it up because I I like the way you torment Skinner.
So I-I still get my check, but I get to stay at home? I'm afraid it's not quite that simple.
Uh, Seymour, who's running this meeting? (loud whisper): I thought I was.
Edna, until the state disciplinary committee rules on your case, every workday you'll report to a school board holding facility-- an educational limbo, as it were, where you are the unbaptized dead by.
(groans) They never seem to like that analogy.
(dog barking) This is the Rubber Room, where accused teachers are held until the school board decides what to do with them.
You show up here every day, Shoes remain on, cell phones remain off.
No Wi-Fi, and you may not refer to this experience as either Kafkaesque or Orwellian.
I have to come here every day?! Or you could quit.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? The only thing I'd like more is if I could quit.
Well, I'm not quitting.
I'm staying here till you give me my job back.
So, what do you do for fun here? You'll find ways to pass the time.
Me, I watch that crack in the ceiling.
Hey, hey, find your own crack! Now before I leave, let me turn on this malfunctioning air conditioner.
(whirring) Is that ice? Uh, no, no, they're spider eggs.
(grunts) He's a science teacher.
He'll know what to do.
BA (whispering loudly): Psst! Mrs.
K! Down here! Haven't you caused enough trouble? You shouldn't suffer for my bad deed.
It should just go unpunished forever.
Fine, half-assed apology accepted.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of very important things to do.
(snoring) (munching) Pah! (munching) What else do you want to talk about? Meet me in the bathroom.
(loud footsteps) Check this out-- a dead possum.
(hissing) Ay, caramba! (loud footsteps) Okay, Bart, what's going on? I'm a teacher in a bathroom with a student.
That's why most of these people are here in the first place.
, I'm here to spring you.
Well, that's kind of you, especially after I nearly choked the life out of you.
You didn't do that.
No, but that's what I told everyone I did to earn the respect of the gangs.
But I can't just wander out of here whenever I feel like it.
Who says you're leaving? (Mrs.
Krabappel gasps) You made a dummy of me? Mm, I use it to workshop my pranks.
(laughing) Now follow me! (grunting) Oh, I don't know about this.
I can't believe a middle-aged woman is scared of a three-story drop.
I'll show you who's middle-aged! (whimpering) (groaning) Hmm? Oh, great! The one day I put cream cheese on my bagel! (metal creaking, yelling) (screaming) (chuckling) Did a volcano erupt in Candyland? 'Cause I just caught me a flying red hot! Ha! Ah You know, I don't believe we've ever been formally introduced.
Anyhoo, so I don't commit the deadliest of sins-- omission-- here's my card.
Edna Krabappel.
Good luck finding a rhythm for that Okay, Ms.
Krabappel, what made you topple? Oh, your card doesn't lie.
Well, I'm a truthful kind of guy.
And I like how it's printed in orange.
Uh, so, uh, we were talking about why you decided to drop in to the Flanders Arms.
For some reason, I was following the advice of one Bart Simpson.
Bart Simpson? Why, he lives right next door to me! Yeah, when they made him, they did not skimp on the puppy dog tails.
And what about that father? Homer? (chuckles) Yeah, he's the peanut in your popcorn.
Lots of fun I guess.
So, what say we have lunch? You know, I wouldn't mind Homer lying naked in his hammock, but does he have to string it up higher than the fence line? I'll bet your wife doesn't like it.
Ah, I'm afraid my Maudie's putting plastic on the clouds now.
Oh, you poor man.
Besides my kids, the only thing in my life is my business, The Leftorium.
We've been the anchor store in the sad mall for the last ten years.
And you're a former Mrs.
, so, uh, where's your husband buried? Probably between the hooters of a coat check girl in Shelbyville.
Ha! (chuckling): Oh, boy, that laugh is infectious.
Ha! Ha! That's fun.
Thank you for lunch, Ned.
Well, thank you for taking me to that Pinkberry place.
It's a lot less racy than its name would lead you to believe.
Crossing it off my do-not-go list.
Well, sir, I guess I better refenestrate ya.
(humming) (clears his throat) Any chance I could see you again? You know, I am a fallen woman.
(chuckles) Whoa, slow down.
I never go to second entendre on the first date.
(both laughing) Oh, ho.
(loud knocking) You've been in there for three hours! What are you doing, taking a bath?! ("Heaven Must Have Sent You" by The Elgins plays) I cried through many endless nights Just holding my pillow tight Then you came into my lonely days With your tender love and sweet ways Now, I don't know where you come from, baby Aw.
Don't know where you've been, my baby Good news, Edna.
The governor crushed the teachers' union, so you don't have to stay here anymore.
Now I can just fire you.
Where will I go? I'll rehire you, but you will have to work weekends as a prison guard.
Well, I would get a chance to see lots of my former students.
You've got a deal.
KRABAPPEL: Mmm! Getting sprung really made me feel like celebrating.
Let's see what you're hiding under this sweater.
Well, maybe I should lose a layer.
(laughing) (sighs) Edna, you're a very beautiful woman, but I'm a little, uh, you know uncomfortable with premarital sex.
Oh, come on, Ned.
We've both been married before.
Those two boys of yours weren't delivered by stork.
Oh, yes, they were.
We deliberately chose a Dr.
Stork so we could say it without lying.
But I think if we hold off for a while, you'll find I'm well worth the wait.
Like a mild cheddar, I get tangy when I'm sitting on the shelf.
Okay, I'll try it your way.
But can I at least nibble on the cheese? Mmm.
(both moaning) (laughs) Well, a little nibble won't hurt your appetite.
(laughs) You have the energy for one more? Absolutely.
This is the best DVD about cheese-making I've ever seen.
Oh, great.
KEN BURNS: Episode 17: Muenster.
Oh, what the heck? I know it's impolite to make a move till episode 25 of a Ken Burns documentary, but you're that special.
Ned! That's right, I'm down to my wife-blesser.
(smooching) (school bell ringing, cheering) (cheering and shouting) It's pinot grigio time! (whirring) See you tomorrow, Teach.
Don't remind me.
(both chuckle) (both grumble) (tires squealing) Mrs.
? Are you still bumping moustaches with Ned? Yes.
And the way things are going, you're going to be seeing me here a lot.
Even on snow days? Snow days, strike days, half-day afternoons, and all summer long.
By the way-- you forgot to bring home your math worksheet.
It's due tomorrow-- no excuses.
But what if my dog eats it? (snoring) That's the dog that's always eating your homework? Yeah.
Um, he hates how learning has taken me to a place he'll never go.
See? (whines) Hang on.
Wait a minute.
(annoyed grunt) (humming tune) HOMER: Little help? (sighs) Little help? Little help? Uh, little help? Flanders, little help? Homer, could you stop throwin' balls over my fence? Oh, absolutely, Ned.
(snickering) Little help? (chuckling) (sighs) (bell jingles) Don't worry, sweetie.
Daddy will put Jack back in the box.
Okay, time to go back in the night-night This is harder than it looks.
Don't you humiliate me in front of my kid.
I thought we had a deal, man.
(doorbell ringing) (Lullaby plays) Well, if it isn't the local school marm and his new girlfriend.
(laughing) That's a burn on you, Flanders.
(chuckles weakly) Pretty funny, Homer.
It's not funny at all.
Homer, I'd appreciate it if you weren't so rude to Ned.
Flanders, this chick does not get our thing.
Actually, she sort of does.
(gasps) Homer, do you know how lucky you are? Ned is a wonderful, caring man, and a darn good neighbor.
Yeah, language.
Sorry, Ned, but I can't watch this guy push you around anymore.
(sputtering) Marge, tell her how I don't push Ned around.
Actually, sometimes you do push Ned around.
What?! Don't do that, Homie.
It rubs off your side hair.
(screams) Hey Ned, can I borrow some hair? Which brings me to item number two on the agenda: I understand you borrowed a thing or two from Ned that you never returned.
And I'll just take my tumbleweed back.
See, Dad? Having Krabappel next door is nothing but trouble.
Teachers should not be allowed to live near their students.
We're natural enemies, like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln.
Don't panic, son.
We can bust up Teachy and Preachy.
Here's what we do: I'll take Flanders out and remind him of the joys of the single life.
You scare Rod and Todd by telling them Krabappel will become their evil stepmother.
If fairy tales have taught us one thing, it's that first wives are perfect, second wives are horrible.
Just the opposite of real life.
Yeah, isn't this place great? If you're single, you can come here every night.
I don't want to come here.
Last time I did, someone slipped me a Mickey and wrote "Churchy Joe" on my face.
(snickering) (snickering) It's your own fault.
You gotta read the coaster.
Ned, let's cut to the chase.
Yeah, let me guess.
You're probably gonna do something boneheaded like try to talk me out of seeing Edna.
Ned, if it's boneheaded to talk you out of seeing Edna, then I don't wanna be brainheaded.
Homer, listen to me.
For a long time now I've been lookin' over the fence at that wonderful relationship you have with Marge.
Then I remember what it was like to have a sweet woman of my own lying in a twin bed across the hall from mine.
Someone to hold the other end of the sheet when I fold it up.
Someone to put in my prayers.
(voice breaking): Oh, Ned, I never dreamed that beneath those iddilies and diddilies there was a dude.
That's right.
And like any man, I put on my secret Christian underpants one leg at a time.
(sobbing) Oh, you beautiful, beautiful wuss.
And Cinderella's stepmom made her sew clothes and mop the floor.
We do that already.
Wanna see me load a bobbin? No, I Give me that shirt.
I'll patch the hole in the armpit.
(Todd and Rod humming "Battle Hymn of the Republic") Haw haw.
Can I get this by Tuesday? Ned, I have a confession to make: I may not have come here solely with the noble intention of getting drunk.
But now, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you and Edna the best.
Fellow barflies.
To Ned Flanders and Edna Krabappel.
What a fox.
Yeah, to Edna.
Yeah, that broad is some dame.
You all know Edna? Oh, yeah, man.
(chuckles): Everybody knows Edna.
We made sweet music in the band room, poetry during English class, and you don't want to know what we did in the multi-purpose room.
Shut up.
My e-mail address is Edna-lover-one-seventy-two.
It was the lowest number I could get.
Guys, quit telling the truth.
Yeah, Edna's amazing.
Joey Kramer? The drummer from Aerosmith? Yup, that's me.
And after a night with Edna, I couldn't walk this way, that way, or any other way.
Ooh la la.
Wait, you've all plucked a peach from her tree? Uh Uh So Joey, is Wikipedia accurate when it says "Walk This Way" was inspired by Young Frankenstein? Well Homer, you really put one over on old stupid Flanders, here.
Thanks a lot, neighbor.
Don't you mean "neighboreeno"? No.
Just plain neighbor.
You stupid jerks.
I can't believe you could be so cruel.
Especially you, Joey Kramer.
Ned, is anything wrong? You've been acting distracted all night.
Oh, I was just wondering how many boxes of staples I should order for the store.
Does ten sound like a lot to you? What does sound like a lot to you? What exactly are we talking about here? Oh, okay.
See you tomorrow? LENNY: Yeah, give me a kiss, Neddy boy.
SKINNER: That's right.
Kiss all the men that have ever made their way to Edna's adventurous tongue.
COMIC BOOK GUY: I should be discreet in my Tweet but brutal in my blog.
JOEY: We made love in so many elevators.
PATTY: Experiment.
What is it? (panting): I can't do it.
Edna, call me Delta Airlines 'cause I can't handle your extra baggage.
MOE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No leavin' until we all spook you on Edna's face.
All right, pipe down back there, you'll get your chance.
Oh come on, Moe, quit hoggin' her face.
(screaming) I hope you're proud of yourself, Homer.
I've got some bad news for you, Marge.
I'm actually not.
Well, there's Ned out on his power walk.
Maybe you should talk to him.
What? My doctor said "don't walk.
" That was a traffic signal.
He's a good man and a good neighbor, and you're drinking coffee from his mug right now.
(groans) Hey, Flanders, hold up.
I-I know you're not comfortable with all the guys Edna's seen around town.
And country.
Ned, I've Oh learned that the only way relationship survives is by forgiving.
Endless, endless forgiving.
(gasps) And didn't the Easter Bunny himself say "Forgive them, father, for finding all my eggs"? And if giant rabbit can lay chocolate eggs, maybe you and Edna can find a way to make it work.
(gasps) (yelling) Edna, I had a long talk with Homer Simpson yesterday, and as I was carrying him back home, I had a lot of time to think.
You've been with a lot of men, but I forgive you.
You "forgive" me? You sanctimonious prude.
Who are you to judge how I've lived my life? Ned, I'm not ashamed of dating those men, I'm proud.
I still wear your bra.
Well, not exactly proud, but I'm stuck.
Ned, if we're gonna stay together, you have to promise that my past will never, ever get in our way.
(sighs) I guess this is gonna have to be decided by a higher power.
So we're going to let the Internet decide.
Should Ned and Edna stay together? Visit thesimpsons.
com and vote.
We'll announce the results in next year's season premiere.
Probably at the end, so you'll watch the whole thing.
There's a whole host of voting options-- friends with benefits, frenemies with frenefits, super friends with wonder pets, all designed to distract you while we take your personal information and use it to apply for credit cards in your name.
Homer, stop teasing.
I'm waitin' for ya.
Also, if you wanna find the real shooter of Mr.
Burns, go back and look for more clues.
They're all there.
Homie, it was Maggie.
Yeah, right.
A baby shot a guy.
Just vote.
It's your duty as a citizen of TV.
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