The Simpsons s23e01 Episode Script

The Falcon And The D'ohman

Good evening.
Tonight we reveal to you the fate of Nedna.
I have devoted my summer to a more meaningful task salvaging Mr.
Popper's Penguins online.
Anywaythe answer to Ned and Edna is carefully hidden in tonight's episode, like a bread crumb lodged inside my stomach crease.
Enjoy.
("Walking on the Moon" by The Police playing) Whoa! (gasps) (grumbles) (gasps) What the? Aha! (tires screech) Quiet steps are what I take Sneaking in at noon Just in time for my lunch break Got my fork and spoon Time the cameras just right Duck in the bathroom BARNEY: Hi, Homer! I'm still drunk from last night Got driven home I don't know by whom Some may say (horn honks) I don't deserve any pay But hey I came up with '60s Day Last May.
(laughs) While I'm here, I might as well pre-punch out.
Hmm, we've had a lot of bills lately.
Better put in some overtime.
(chuckles) (humming) Larry, my man! Hey, you're not Larry.
How come you're not Larry? I wouldn't know, sir.
Uh, listen, if you could indulge me, Larry and I fist-bump every morning.
Like that.
The warmth of human contact with a manly whiff of violence.
Eh? Not interested.
Wha?! Sheesh! Hey, what's with that new security guard? He's acting all aloof.
Uh, by the way, that's my word of the day: "he's.
" Maybe I was a little hard on him, expecting him to be Larry right away.
By the way, where is Larry? Crazy house.
Violent ward.
Good ol' Larry.
(humming) Say Wayne, I couldn't help but notice that your breath doesn't smell like alcohol.
You want to go grab a beer after work? I prefer not to have social interaction with coworkers.
It, um, hasn't worked out for me in the past.
Well, maybe he just doesn't like fist-bumping.
Hey, Wayne.
As God as my witness, this fist will be bumped! Put that fool thing down.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Master Chef: Extreme Snack Edition.
Marge, your ratio of peanut butter to cracker was spot on.
And I loved the addition of the thin slice of apple.
This was a great plate of food.
Thank you.
This is my third favorite reality cooking show.
For your prize, you have won a brand-new kitchen, which I will now become.
(makes transforming noises) Ow! Ow! Ow! I miss my soul patch.
(groans): Oh.
Kids, enjoy your extreme snack.
Wait, this tastes different.
I put a slice of apple in it.
Gross.
You know I hate surprises.
You tricked us.
I like routine.
I like routine.
(sighs) (sighs) Did you have a hard day, too? Ah, a guy at work seems not to like me.
I guess it's not much when you look at real problems in the world, like Major League umpires not using instant replay.
It's big to you.
Would you like a get well pork chop? I love you so much.
Potatoes and gravy on the side, please.
(whistle blows) Charlie, want to grab a beer? No, I was tipsy last night when a telephone survey called, so I told them to call back tonight for more accurate answers.
Oh.
Okay.
(thunder rumbling softly) (gasps) Wayne! Want a ride? I can walk.
(hail pattering) (groans) All right, Homer, you win.
You know, I just got a little chill when you said my name.
(quietly): Every town I go to, I run into some guy just like this.
Look, I'm not weird or anything, I just like to feel like I'm friends with everybody.
(sighs) Homer, you're a nice guy.
I'll have one beer with you.
After that, we will have a courteous professional relationship, and that's it.
No secret Santa, we're not trading lunches, Oh! and I don't want you calling me at home and saying "Turn on channel six.
" But what if the weather girl I don't care! Wow, I can't believe Homer bagged the tiger.
Excuse me, I need to use the Men's room! (gasps) Oh, my God.
We're completing each other's Completing each other's sen ten ces Totally surprising entrance! (cocks gun) Hand over your cash and jewelry.
Pronto.
(groans) Hmm.
Hmm.
Okay, now, don't want no trouble.
Let me just get my cash out of my cash drawer here.
Just, uh, lining up all the presidents, nice and neat.
Ain't trying to be no hero.
(chuckles) Uh (chuckles) Uh, here you go.
Thanks for the upgrade.
Ha-ha! (grunts) Wayne? Stand back, Homer! I know what I'm doing.
Well, we all know what we're doing.
The question is, is it an appropriate reaction to the situation? (sighs) Drunks are so boring.
(gasps, gunshot) (screams) My fresco! That's coming out of your stealings! (grunts) (yells) (grunts) Wayne, maybe it's the me being still alive talking, but I think you're awesome.
I'm just a guy who saw what needed to be done and did it.
Oh, speaking of which, let's get these eggs back in a jar.
(humming) (cocks gun) Wow, that's the farthest that one of my eggs ever made it down someone's throat.
It's great to have a home-cooked meal.
Well, if anyone saves my Homie's life, they get a free meal.
Which actually comes up about once a week.
So, Wayne, how'd you learn all those cool self-defense moves? I had training.
Special training.
The kind they're not allowed to give anymore.
(grunts) (screams) (choking) (grunting) (quacking laugh) (grunting) (yelling) (roaring) (straining) Sorry.
I have to go.
Oh, come on, stay for dessert! (straining) (sighs) (door opens, closes) Hey, Simpson, you want to hear about the big change in my life? Sure, why not.
I started drinking orange juice with pulp.
I asked the Reverend, and he said it was okay.
Then he hung right up on me.
That man is cranky at And here he is, this week's Noble Nobody.
What the (bleep) A quiet, unassuming security guard who foiled a robbery at a local tavern, as seen in this Taiwanese animated dramatization.
(female narrator speaking Taiwanese) (laughing) (tires screeching) (video game sound effects) Please, sir, just let me do my job.
Pish tush.
Wayne, as a reward for your valiant fisticuffery, I hereby award you the Springfield Nuclear Plant Silver Safety Hat.
(fanfare plays) (fanfare plays, horses neigh) (chuckles maniacally) Thanks to you, Wayne, we did not lose the visible half of the moon.
Just doing my job, sir.
All too well.
I'm afraid that protocol demands that I totally erase your memory.
(grunting) (crackling) (grunting) Die, you fascist bastard! Mother, is that you? Wayne, stop! That's Mr.
Burns! (gasping) Ooh.
I expect insolence, but rank insolence? Off with his job! (sighs) Damn it.
Why don't you come stay with us till you can get back on your feet? Really? Are you sure? Of course.
I mean, how long could it be? I don't know.
I've got no job, no references, can't afford my apartment.
It's best to concentrate on what you do have.
I have reoccurring flashbacks to a nightmarish past.
That's funny, because I have reoccurring flash-forwards to a nightmarish future.
(chanting): Unfair! Unfair! That robot took our jobs! He said it.
Or, uh, maybe it was him.
Man, this robot really gets me.
My nightmares are real.
Your voice is so gravelly, just like Lauren Bacall's.
If you don't listen to me, Senator, there's not going to be a Fourth of July! WAYNE (panting): Don't you get it? - He used the governor's eyeball for the retinal scan! That's ten members of the electoral college dead in one day! If you don't give me those launch codes, you'll never be able to make the "okay" sign again.
I know the map is inside your eyelids, and I will turn them inside out if I have to! If you move that little top hat to St.
James Place, we'll all be blown to kingdom come! Bring me every fish in that aquarium! One of them is lying! (relieved sigh) I'm sorry I have so many nightmares.
I've done unspeakable things, from Buenos Aires to the Ukraine.
Well, what brought you to Springfield? Was it our Frito-Lay distribution center? I needed somewhere to lie low.
Your town appears on no maps or charts.
Yeah, they couldn't find a Google map photo without me naked or urinating.
And when there was a mapmaker's convention here, they all got Lou Gehrig's disease.
Not the one you're thinking of-- there's another one.
So, Lisa, if you press on Bart's elbow, here, Ow! he'll tell you anything you want to know.
I admit it! I let Milhouse lie down in your bed! Kids, can I talk to Wayne alone a minute? Remember everything they say, and tell us later in rattle code.
(rattling) What do you mean, no? (grunts) I don't know if you should teach our children advanced interrogation techniques.
I'm sorry, Marge.
Sometimes I forget where I am.
Apology accepted.
Now, could you teach me a couple little driving tricks? (laughs) We'll see who gets their pick of pizza pockets! Give us your lunch money! (grunting in pain) (martial arts yell) (bones crack, grunts) What gives, man? Where'd you learn that stuff? If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
Can I tell you? No! I won't listen! We can't keep serving the same thing every day.
These kids have mashed potatoes coming out of their ears.
(Jimbo yells) Point taken.
(playing "Dance of the Knights" by Prokofiev) Oh, my God.
That song.
(loud whooshing) (playing "Dance of the Knights") (people screaming) (music continues) I can't live in the real world anymore.
This is the real world? Hallelujah! I'm still alive! Ha-ha! And I'll appreciate every moment! Except the ones that aren't as good as they used to be.
Which is all of them.
Oh, someone kill me.
("Dance of the Knights" playing) Ah, junk, junk.
Beyoncé confirms she will play at my daughter's sweet 16 party.
Humorous YouTube sent by my brother.
Mildly funny, at best.
Eh, sometimes they are good for giggle.
"Auto-tune disaster victim.
" Hiding in the basement Hiding in the basement And I'm, like, where's the cat? Where's, where's the cat? Hmm "Crazy man attacks boss.
" (gasps) It's him.
American agent who caused the death of everyone I loved! You want to give it zero stars? No! We will go to Springfield, America, and kill this man.
But first Here, kitty, kitty, kitty Here, kitty, kitty, kitty Oh, you're an angel now.
Washing out the dog poo Sure beats picking it up Flanders' driveway Is my goal (whirring) I am looking for a man named Wayne.
Oh.
He's gone.
I don't know where he went.
Are you friend of his? He has no friends.
Except me! (tires squeal) I see you are tight like borscht and beets.
Tell me, if we kidnapped a friend of Wayne's, would he attempt to rescue that friend? Well, I suppose if the friend was being horribly tortured H-Hey, wha? Wha? Wha? (muffled shouts) No! Not the middle seat! This just in: a local man has been kidnapped by Ukrainian gangsters.
We've received the following video.
Death to America! Stick to script.
Fine.
I am being held somewhere in the Springfield area.
Turn the card.
Hold up today's newspaper.
What will you guys use when there aren't newspapers anymore? Perhaps we will be living in a world where there'll be no need to kidnap.
Oh, well, way to make me feel obsolete.
(chuckles): Oh, look-- here's a coupon for scissors that you have to cut out! Thanks, geniuses! RUSSIAN MAN: Shut up.
HOMER: Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing! (punches landing) HOMER (crying): Ow! Ow! Ow! This is no way to treat the talent.
RUSSIAN MAN: Shut up! Oh, God.
I know that voice.
(loud whooshing) (playing "Dance of the Knights") Viktor? Darling, I told you to stay in your room.
I told you the bedspread smells funny.
(gunshot) (distorted): Nyet! Marge I'll get your husband back.
How are you going to find him? Homer is implanted with several highly powerful tracking chips.
How did that happen? I left that out in a bowl and he ate them.
(wheel squeaking rhythmically in distance) I'd take a moment to enjoy those store names if I didn't have a job to do.
Nyet! (yells) (grunts) (organ playing gentle music) Get out of here! Ow! Aah! I won a silver medal in Nagano-- ow!-- and now this! (muffled whimpering) (panicked whimpering) (shivering): Oh cold so cold So, Wayne, once again you crash my party? So cold! Warm me up! (grunts) Stop it! Just let me put my hands under your armpits.
(giggling) (gasps) So much violence on the surface world.
I'm going back.
(grunts) (gurgling): Cold so cold Now you can see why I can't stay in one place.
Not here, not anywhere.
How about living on a train that's always moving? You ever eat on a train, Marge? What they call a steak is barely a hamburger.
Now, Homer, there's one more thing before I go.
Aw.
That's what I call closure.
Good-bye.
(rattling) Yes, Maggie, we will have a use for you soon.
(whispers): Stay close to your busy box.
(rattling) Wait! I know a place you can go! A place where a sadistic man with government experience can feel right at home.
("Dance of the Knights" plays) Sir, this is the wrong form.
Can you hold my space while I go get the right one? Nobody held my space when I was in a North Korean prison being forced to write a musical about Kim Jung Il with a car battery hooked up to my nipples! Well (jaunty orchestral music playing) (Korean accent): Pardon me, sir, can you tell me where palace is? What business do you have at the palace? Why, someday I'm going to be dear leader.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! You? You are too benevolent to be dear leader! Let's see what they think.
(choir harmonizing): "K" is Korea, just the north part "I" is for the Internet he bans "M" is for the millions that are missing "J" is for a human-tasting jam "O" is for oh, boy, we love our leader "N" is for the best Korea, North "G" is for gee whiz, we love our leader, mmm We just wanted to give you all a big thank you from Team Nedna.
It's nice to know people still believe in love.
Now, wait just a minute-- how come I wasn't an option in this contest? Typical Seymour! Waits till the polls have closed before throwing his hat in the ring.
I agree with America: you'll never give me a grandchild.
Thank you.
Oh Shh! WAYNE: Shush me again, and I'll take your head clean off.