The Simpsons s23e02 Episode Script

Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts

The Simpsons? Wha! (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) Beer! (assorted cartoon sound effects) God, I love to watch that woman get beer.
(fart) (laughing) You little! (blubbering) D'oh! (contented blubbering) They always come up with such catchy ways to make us pay for things we don't need for kids we didn't want.
Wow-- the gym ropes are seaweed, the basketball nets are fishing nets Yarr! Just plastic.
Which is healthier than what you find in the ocean.
Buy a Springfield Elementary T-shirt? I don't want people to know my kids go to this lousy school.
We also have T-shirts from other schools.
MARGE: Ooh! We can wear those to the nice mall.
(grunting) And now it's time for lights, camera, auction! (chuckles) No cameras.
Ooh, first item up for bid is always a favorite, lunch with Principal Skinner.
I'll just leave the food on your doorstep and ring the bell.
Moving on.
Next up for auction is this wonderful bench hand-crafted by our second-grade class.
Don't buy it.
I bought one last year and it was crap construction.
Shh.
Do I hear $50? Paddles down.
It's the only way to change the system.
(phone ringing) Hello? Calling from England? Certainly I can put you on speakerphone.
(Bart in British lady's voice): I am Edith Knickertwist, an eccentric widow.
For this masterpiece, I bid $1,000.
(all gasping) Sold.
To the mysterious and unverified Mrs.
Knickertwist.
Next item: our school band will play at a function of your choice.
I bid $4,000.
Well, it looks like our model solar-system will finally get an Earth.
And that concludes tonight's auction, which has raised a school record $116,000.
(cheering) And our windfall is all thanks to our dear new friend on the phone.
'Allo, luvs! Mm.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
I'm Mrs.
Knickertwist.
And I've had a proper hardy-har at your expense.
(laughs) Why do I believe everything I hear in a British accent? He has thrust upon us the motley of the tomfool.
I wore this all night for nothing? (groans) (angry muttering) Mr.
Simpson, I know you're not one of our wealthier parents, but surely you'll honor your son's enormous debt.
Why, of course.
Even if I don't have a legal obligation to pay, it's clearly the right thing to do.
Here's $1,000, $2,000, $3,000 Oh, I need more cash.
Better go to my invisible ATM.
(humming tune) What? Two dollar charge for non-network bank? Oh! (dejected): Oh.
CHALMERS (bellowing): Skin-ner! Yes, sir? I was very pleased with your work last night.
Really? Nope.
Fooled again.
I'd say you're dumb as a post, but at least you can put a sign on a post that says "fresh strawberries-- one mile.
" You are a nitwit in an ill-fitting suit.
I'll have you know I'm lop-shouldered.
I'm sorry, what did you say? I said, I'm lop-shouldered.
And I have been since I was hung by my armpits in a North Vietnamese prison.
I I didn't know that.
Oh, the list of things you don't know could fill a week's worth of morning announcements, with enough left over for a send-home flyer.
There's no need for hyperbole, Seymour.
If you think it's so easy to handle Bart Simpson, why don't you do it yourself? (cheering) You tell him, Seymour.
As some guy said to some dude with a beard, "Death to tyrants.
" You mean Booth and Lincoln? I'm not the history teacher.
Anymore.
Fine.
I will personally take over Bart Simpson's education-- and for once, that boy's going to learn something.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm expecting an important call and cell phone coverage in here is, uh, spotty.
Oh, nicely done, Seymour.
I guess there's some stones in your leaf bag after all.
While I'm on a roll, I'm gonna call that carpet cleaning service and tell them our hallway doesn't count as a room.
Hello, is André there? Oh, yes, I'll hold.
I know I can superintend-- superintend like the wind-- but teach? It's been years.
And we both know how that went, don't we, Gary? So, you are the so-called Breakfast Club.
Wrong room.
We're the Fight Club.
Don't you Forget about me Don't, don't, don't, don't Don't you Thank God they never went on to do anything since.
So, Simpson, you'll be studying with me now.
Same garbage, different Dumpster.
We'll start with American history.
Now, I'm sure you know who these gentlemen are.
BART: Dollar bill guy, five dollar bill guy, sex guy, Will Ferrell, black guy.
(sighs) Bart, what if I told you there was a president who was an actual cowboy? I'd act like I'm interested, but inside I'd be bored.
That's as good a place to start as any.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT: great fundamental issue now before our people can be stated briefly.
It is, are the American people fit to govern themselves, to rule themselves, to control themselves.
I believe they are.
My opponents do not.
Hey, this Roosevelt guy was sort of interesting.
Did you know he was a colonel in the army? You don't say.
And one time, during a speech, he was shot by a saloon-keeper, but Teddy finished his speech before heading to the hospital.
Aha! I'm mad at you for some reason.
TOWNSFOLK (chanting): Teddy, Teddy, Teddy I've never said this before, but I'd like to learn more.
Man, Teddy Roosevelt killed more Spaniards in one day than most people do in their whole lives.
You know, I hate to say this, Bart, but the library is about to close.
Really? I wanted to learn more about trust busting.
Take that, Standard Oil.
Tomorrow, son.
Tomorrow.
Well, I've learned a lot today.
Now, to go home and let TV slowly rot it all away.
Eh-eh-eh.
Not so fast.
Teddy Roosevelt believed you could learn from books.
But he also believed you can learn just as much from the out-of-doors.
I thought teachers only went outdoors to smoke and cry.
Yes.
Son, have you ever seen a horse your father wasn't betting on? No, sir.
Come with me.
(Chalmers laughing heartily) (whinnying) So, Bart, what have you learned so far? Well, when horses poop, they don't stop.
They just keep walking.
Yes, yes.
Well, here's another fun fact for you.
All around you is a national park created by Teddy Roosevelt.
Mm! Wow! And here I thought God created all this.
Thanks for setting me straight.
Well, wait, I didn't mean that.
You've filled my head with horse poop and atheism.
And all these years, I thought I was unteachable.
Let's stop talking now.
"A man who is good enough to shed his blood for the country is good enough to be given a square deal afterwards.
" Just quoting our 26th president, Lise.
You could use a little T.
R.
in your life.
Please.
I went through my T.
R.
phase in first grade.
Now I realize that the greatest Roosevelt is Franklin.
Balderdash! Teddy Roosevelt protected America's wildlife.
Yeah, so he could shoot it himself.
Franklin Roosevelt led this country through the Depression and World War II.
Face on a dime! Face on a mountain! I hated the "Roosie-velts" and all them family dynasties.
The Kennedys, the Bushes, Jon Voigt and Angelina Jolie, Mayor Daley and his smart-ass son, the Daily Show.
That's a lot of anger, Grampa.
Well, I like Stephen Colbert, but that's because I don't get the joke.
And on July 1st, 1898, Colonel Theodore Roosevelt and his band of Rough Riders charged up San Juan Hill and liberated Cuba.
Cuba si! Castro no! I love Teddy Roosevelt because he had asthma as a boy.
I love him because he said, "Bully.
" The dude really knew how to rock some jodhpurs.
Hey, maybe Chalmers would let you guys sit in on our lessons.
After me, men.
(chanting): Bully-bully-bully-bully-bully! I'd be glad to have you boys join our experiment in manly education.
The fact is, today's modern schools have completely failed you.
School failed me? Does school have to go to summer Jimbo? (groans, sighs) Look at him, boys.
He is the canary in the coal mine of a dying empire.
You're in my coal mine now, bitches! Yeah.
Boys are falling behind in every subject, because our classrooms are entirely geared towards girls! It's all about feelings, and celebrating differences.
But I loved reading It's Cool to Cry! Well, it's not cool to cry! (sobs) Boys need to explore! Build things! Wreck those things! And then build them again! Our first lesson begins this Saturday, with an overnight trip to Springfield Forest.
Legend has it that Teddy Roosevelt visited the forest and lost a pair of his trademark spectacles.
This weekend, we set forth in search of those spectacles! (all cheer) This is all well and good, but I must know: what are spectacles? Glasses.
DOLPH: One time, I found an old washing machine over there that still had clothes in it.
ALL: Wow.
This place is as beautiful as the side of a Coors beer can.
The kind my Dad used to leave in the bathtub.
There are no bad fathers in the wilderness, boy.
(growls) (grunts) (owl hoots) Hmm? You know, Bart, morning's when I miss my Rosemary the most.
She sure looked good in a pair of jammies.
(chuckles) NELSON: Dinguses! Dinguses! Huh? (groans) I found 'em! Teddy Roosevelt's spectacles! Ah, nicely done, Muntz! Could this be the moment my life starts to turn around? The moment I (gasps) Gravity blows! Gary, you took these boys on an unauthorizefield trip, and look what happened! He got some bumps and bruises and a thistle in his britches.
What is the big deal? The big deal is I'm gonna sue you! Got me one of them "abogados" from the bus ads.
He said he'll only take "veinte por ciento," whatever that is.
(Spanish accent): You have seen my picture on the side of a bus.
And I am not smiling because I lost the case.
NELSON: Ha-ha! I'm gonna take you for every peso you got.
How did she know we get paid in pesos? They took my job away, boys.
Where to, boss? Just drive.
(tires squeal) (grunts) (grunts) Maybe it is cool to cry.
(sobs softly) Who can name the three types of rocks? Bart Simpson? Chalmers would actually take us out to see the rocks.
You can see the rocks on page 32 of your science book.
My book is missing page 32.
Put your head on the desk and shut your eyes.
My desktop is sticky with soda from the kid that had it before me.
Do as I say! (groans) (kids clamoring) (grunting) (grunts) Stupid fish! Don't you want to be my din-ner?! Hey, Gary.
(sighs) Simpson, you are looking at a man who was not good enough for the worst public school in America.
Well, what would Teddy Roosevelt do? Son, I'm no Teddy Roosevelt.
I'm not even Kermit Roosevelt.
(gasps) I call this meeting of the Brotherhood of the Spectacles to order.
Our mission: to get Chalmers back his job.
ALL: Hear, hear! Hear, hear! Bart, I want to ask you about something I read in a magazine.
Are you boys cyberbullying each other? How could we be? We're all in the same place and we don't have computers.
Marge, I parented! That's great, Homie! Come have some ice cream on a brownie! Later, losers.
I'm thinking of something big.
So big it involves taking over the entire school and not giving it up till Chalmers gets his job back! Bart, your mother thinks there's something suspicious about all you boys having a meeting in this tree house.
Well, Dad, since you are taking an interest in us, maybe I should tell you Oh! Marge, my ice cream's melting and I haven't finished my brownie! Come in and get some more! You guys need to get a woman.
So, I'm considering taking drugs.
Would the school advise for or against that? Oh, strongly against! Would you like to read this pamphlet? Hmm Uh, well, would you read it with me? (giggles) Oh! You see, this boy took drugs and his scores suffered.
(chuckles) Yeah (snoring) There's a car with its lights on in the teachers' lot.
(gasps) Late-'90s model, coffee stains on front seat, stacks of résumés in back seat.
Bart, what are you doing? Taking over the school with all the kids inside.
What?! I'm telling Mom.
Great.
You can call her from the closet phone.
Hello, Mom? You won't believe what Bart's doing.
There really is a phone in there? (scoffs) So immature.
Yo, teachwads! The Brotherhood of the Spectacles has taken over the school! Oh, no, please.
Don't make us start our weekend early.
Our paychecks are in there.
(screams) Why didn't I sign up for direct deposit?! Bart, open this door now, or I will jiggle the handle indefinitely! Suit yourself.
We all rubbed it with boogers.
Damn! Willie, break it down.
NELSON: Not so fast! Back it up or the photocopier eats it! (gasps) Oh, my God! We've got a 30-year mortgage on that photocopier! Willie, stay your tractor! Ye can't just turn her on and off like that! (engine stops) Oh, I guess you can.
Okay, we gotta stay focused: Jimbo, gather all the students in the gym.
Milhouse, take a nap.
You know how cranky you get.
I do not! (siren whoops) (tires screech) MAN (over P.
A.
): Watch Hannity tonight at 8:00.
Dog Day After School?! This is Kent Brockman outside Springfield Elementary with the parents of lockdown leader Bart Simpson.
He's not a bad boy.
He had a teacher who finally got through to him, and they fired him.
Are you covering me up?! Yes, I'm afraid we are.
The least I can get out of this whole nightmare is some face time on the local news.
It's kind of my way of sending a Christmas card.
Happy Holidays, everyone! Family's fine! Dude, you better see this.
Attention, Brotherhood of the Spectacles: you are ordered to immediately evacuate the school, and then return to school where you belong.
I need to know that Chalmers will be taken care of! We don't negotiate with terrorists! Or the people that supply our uniforms and weapons.
We just pay whatever they say.
Let me talk to the boy! (grunts) It's time for you to stand down, son.
When I met you, you were nothing more than a thick file of infractions.
Now I see a young man I'm proud to call my disciplinary problem.
Thanks.
But these Rough Riders aren't dismounting until you get your job back.
What do you think, Chief? Can we take the building without hurting anybody? Well, if a group of Muppets can take Manhattan (gun fires) Aah! Aah! Job restored! Increase in title? Fine, fine.
You're super-duper-intendent.
That's all I ever wanted.
No hard feelings? Nothing but hard feelings, Seymour.
(kids cheering) It's beautiful, man! It's beautiful! Oh, my God.
Milhouse, did you take your nap? Does it look like I took my nap? (laughs crazily) BART: Ay, caramba! Sir, of all the books and movies about Teddy Roosevelt, which would you say is the most informative? No question: Night at the Museum.
One or two? Take your pick, you can't go wrong.
Shh!