The Simpsons s23e10 Episode Script

Politically Inept, With Homer Simpson

Whoa, whoa! (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (gunshot) Hmm.
(grunts) Uh! Mom! (crowd grumbling) Next.
Finally.
The only thing I wait in lines this long for are slightly better cell phones.
Why do we even have to go to this stupid wedding? Cousin Kathy invited us so our feelings wouldn't be hurt.
And we're going so her feelings won't be hurt.
I just don't understand the world of grown-ups.
Sorry, sir, your bag is two pounds over the limit.
Are you sure everything inside is essential? Absolutely.
Let me just redistribute our thingies amongst our various bags.
High school yearbooks I told you not to pack them! (quietly): Don't argue in front of the airport line.
Strangers are judging our marriage! Lisa, do you really need all these Kurt Vonnegut novels? They self-reference each other.
Marge, do we really need all these feminine products? That's toothpaste! Yes, but I never use that kind of toothpaste! (satisfied chuckle) Try to catch one on your tongue.
LISA: We're not with him.
We'll need to have a special agent check this out.
(belches) You're clear.
Now I have to change the nipple.
True patriots breastfeed.
(groans) Sir, you've been selected for a pat-down.
Whoo-hoo! Can you focus on my shoulders? That's where I carry my stress.
Now, if I fart, that's 'cause I'm so relaxed.
(humming) Sir, there isn't enough room.
Yes, there is! HOMER: Whoo-hoo! (sighs) Welcome to flight 55 to Bozeman, Montana by way of Miami.
Due to an unforeseen jailbreak in New South Wales, our takeoff is going to be just a little bit delayed.
So, we're going to be turning off the air, but ethnic people are permitted to open and eat their home-cooked food.
HOMER: Huh? What the? Crazy food indeed, my friend.
(chuckling) (slurping) (people coughing, babies crying) CAPTAIN: Good news, folks.
We've been cleared to taxi back to the terminal.
You still can't get off, but you will be able to look through the window and see other people walking around and making fun of us.
No word on takeoff.
(frustrated grunting) Sir, return to your seat.
But I have to go to the bathroom.
You should have thought of that before you drank the fluids you need to live.
(groaning) Don't tread on pee! (whooping) We probably have rights! Yeah! (grunting) Airlines don't treat people like people anymore.
You make us beg for a filthy pillow that a barnyard rat wouldn't curl up and die in.
And watch pre-taped messages that make crashing look like fun! Never putting me next to a pretty girl.
(groans) (passengers muttering) We're going to need the air marshal.
(clears throat) Now you've done it! (sniffs) (screams) I need backup! Come on, ladies.
You're all deputies now.
(whimpers) Look, all I want is what everybody wants: preferential treatment.
(grunts) You can check my carry-on, but you can't check my spirit.
And why is there moisture between the windows? And don't wake me up to land.
Just land! (grunting) (passengers screaming) (grunts, screams) I regret nothing! Except this part.
(cheering) (groans) This is the last airline that would take us.
Looks like we're back to traveling on tramp steamers and produce trucks.
I call shotgun! It's too early to call shotgun.
It's never too early to call shotgun.
No one's shotgun! Now, be quiet.
(groans) I'm still going to make my flight, right? 'Cause, if not, you have to put me up in a first-class hotel.
That's how it works.
I (gagging) (Homer grunting) (chuckling) "Fatso Goes Nutso.
" And post to YouTube with the following key words: "fat," "stupid," "classic Simpsons," and just to be safe, "baby rides kitten rides penguin.
" (chuckles) Perfect.
You can check my carry-on, but you can't check my spirit.
And why is there moisture between the windows? And don't wake me up to land.
Just land! (bell chimes) (muffled): A six-pack of Duff, please.
Oh, yes, Mr.
Homer.
(groans) What gave me away? Well, the hot dogs spin counterclockwise in fear whenever you are near, sir.
Uh, why are you in disguise? Because of that dumb viral video with 150 million hits, I can't go out in public.
Hey, it's the guy from the plane.
(sighs) (cheering) Hey, way to go! Wha? You said what we all think, but don't have the bones to say.
When I heard Homer speak, I no longer felt small.
They love me.
The quiet Homer Simpson that kept it all bottled up inside is dead.
This is the birth of Homer Simpson, blowhard.
I'm on the roll of my life.
Give me a scratcher.
Give me another one.
Almost a winner.
ANNOUNCER: Head Butt with Nash Castor.
I'm Nash Castor.
Coming up, we butt heads with Ron Paul, Rand Paul, Paul Ryan and Mitt "the Wonder" Romney.
But first, we're here with this guy my kid said was a thing: Homer Simpson.
- Whoo-hoo! I'm famous again! - Yes, your video has been mashed-up, Auto-Tuned, Jimmy Falloned, Philippine prisonered, and occasionally even watched.
Ha! But can you save America from its last savior? - Adriatica Veljohnson.
- Nash, in this kicked-in-the-teeth world, what we don't need is another blustering bloat bag who claims to speak for Bubba and Britney Spray-Cheese.
That's really smart.
That's like something I would say.
Precisely, Nash.
That's a great point, Adriatica.
Well, if I could explain myself Head butt! (groans) We'll be right back after this.
Come here, you.
(moaning, giggling) Homie, you can win this argument.
Just rant and rave like you do to the TV during sports.
Yes.
Yes.
Got it! DIRECTOR: Uh, five seconds to air.
(clears throat) And we're back with Homer Simpson, who's about to become a soggy Pamper flung to the side of history's freeway in three, two Not so fast! (gasps) Now, I may not be some mani-pedied TV blowhard, but I do speak for the common man who does his lousy job, goes to church twice a year and watches women's tennis 'cause he likes to hear them grunt.
I bet Chuck the cameraman and Steve the sound guy know where I'm coming from.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Those real people out there who buy their coffee from the mini-mart and grab enough sugar packs for a week.
Honest, hardworking, sugar-stealing Americans! (crew cheering) DIRECTOR: Cut.
Nash, I'm scared.
Find me a rich husband-- quick! Dad, you out-talked the talking heads.
From now on, when someone asks me, I'm going to say you are my father.
Aw, son.
Now I regret bad-mouthing you to that girl you liked.
Homer, the way you just demolished our number-one on-air personality was fantastic! You are the kind of ill-informed gasbag this network cannot get enough of.
We only have 11 now.
Not to mention our liberal straw man.
Oh, the plain and simple facts is I'd love to raise your taxes And make your children gay But what we don't have is someone who speaks to the average American.
Your flyover Franks, your dirt-bike Daryls.
How can you refer to your audience that way? Well, what you do is take a derogatory term and think of other words that start with the same letter.
- Hmm.
Homer, you're getting your own show.
Finally.
But I want to do it my way: classy and sophisticated.
Welcome to Gut Check with Homer Simpson! Where the truth is served with a side of in your face.
I am Homer Simpson.
(chickens clucking) America's latest teller of truth with a book deal on the side.
Audio book read by Lenny.
I'm not just another loudmouth.
I'm a loudmouth who says things you're afraid to say, but not racist things! Let's go to the map.
Zoomy, zoomy, zoomy.
Dateline: Nebraska.
A high school principal has decided that football is too dangerous, so he's replacing it with soccer.
Are you ready for Irish announcers with lyrical accents? "Oh, that's a lovely touch.
Oh, such a beautiful form.
" If we lose football, we lose the blitz, cheerleaders, Rudys, Ochocincos, something for fat kids to play.
(sobbing) Ochocincos.
(sobbing) Oh, yeah, that's right.
It's already happening, people.
Hoard your toilet paper.
Shoot the mailman! (sobbing): Shoot the mailman.
Is it a little weird how much he cries? No way.
When a guy who loves America cries, it makes him super straight.
This is going so great.
I'm already a Halloween mask! That's not you.
They just painted Shrek yellow.
It's still a great honor.
Dad, I'm glad your show is successful, but I have to ask you: what's with the crying? Great question.
I know you children have never seen your father cry before.
Marge, do we have any more gravy? No, we're out.
(sobbing): Why? Oh, why?! Homie, I'm glad you're passionate, I just hope you're not riling people up with your show.
Oh, Marge, don't worry.
People know I'm doing a character, like Stephen Colbert or Newt Gingrich.
Welcome back to Gut Check.
I have something very, very pro-American to share with you.
Come with me.
D'oh! Death to America! I mean, over here.
You all know I'm a big fan of American meat.
Although, sometimes you got to cut off some of the gristle.
(roars) Take that, centers of art and commerce! And this country has something extra that makes our meat the juiciest, most melt-in-your-mouth, stay-in-your-heart meat in the world.
That's right, I'm talking about the gravy of freedom.
When March Madness spills into April, that's the gravy.
When someone messes with you, and you invade the country that did it plus another one, that's the gravy.
When you stick your flag in the moon and say "Now we're done trying," that's the gravy! So get on the boat.
The gravy boat! Good night and good gravy.
Great show, people.
Great show.
Um.
not a big deal, but next time, can we use real gravy instead of brown paint? Not a big deal.
So, what's this with the gravy boat? Just an innocuous little symbol, like a smiley face or like an I.
O.
U.
You know, symbols can often rile people up.
The swastika, the New York Yankees logo.
(laughs): Oh.
Don't worry, sweetie.
I think I know how to whip up an audience just short of a frenzy.
(clamoring) Why did I make this a loss leader? The gravy boat movement is spreading across the nation like a rumor about some kid and someone's mom hooking up at a high school.
With the presidential primaries coming up and an entrenched incumbent in office, Republican leaders have no choice but to court this movement's inglorious baster, Homer Simpson.
Marge, I'm going to meet with the Republican establishment and pick their nominee.
If there's sandwiches there, you want me to bring some back? Speaking for Lisa and me, we're not really Then what percent above 100 are you behind me? Um, none.
Only 100%?! (groans) Homie, I love you, and I'm glad we're finally using our wedding china, but when you're helping to pick the next leader of the free world Dad, you shouldn't do this.
It's not fair how much influence you have.
Now, Lisa, I'm an entertainer.
And you can't entertain and inform at the same time.
And if you're Access Hollywood, you do neither.
(chuckles) (thunder rumbles) Hmm.
Hmm.
Now, they're all excellent choices, so simply pick the white male candidate you prefer and we'll elect him.
I don't know.
Can't we get Chris Christie to run? I don't think so.
(choking) Save me, ObamaCare! Yeah, maybe I'll vote Democrat.
The great thing is, when they get in, they act like Republicans.
MAN: No one's voting Democrat while I can still draw a bow.
(gasps) (gasps) Ted Nugent.
I made love on my honeymoon to your sweet music.
You're my man! You're endorsing Ted Nugent for president? He's a right-wing rock star who likes everything I hate! Could there be anyone awesomer? Who's hungry for elk? (screams) Hmm.
My daughter's a vegetarian.
That's all right, she can munch on an antler.
Antlers ain't meat.
I thought I smelled death-a-diddly.
What is that, an eight-pointer? From the looks of that moustache, I'm guessing you're a tenured professor at the People's Republic of Berkeley.
Hey, the only left-wing thing about me is the way I write.
(grunts) Oh, that's just fine, as long as you're not a Mormon.
Dad, you cannot endorse Ted Nugent.
I mean, sure, we all love his music Oh, yeah.
No question about it.
I love that guy.
We listen to it.
But he's out of his mind! He can't run for president! I bagged me a fat little badger.
Please, kind sir, have pity.
All I hear is "chitter-chitter.
" (snoring) (snoring) MAN: Arise, Homer Simpson! Huh? Who's there? (screams) Mozart! I am James Madison, sir.
(screams) Fourth president of these United States.
Ooh.
Now, come, and I shall teach you of democracy.
Can we get some pizza on the way? Everything's closed.
They sell some at the gas station.
I don't want gas station pizza.
(whinnies) So, how come your picture's not on money? Actually, I'm on the $5,000 bill.
Do you give them out for fans? 'Cause I'm a fan.
I want to show you something.
What's this? Some kind of bicentennial lemon party? These are the framers of the Constitution, Homer.
This great nation is built upon the hard work of, well, as you would say, nerds.
Nerds! You want I should mess them up? I want you should not mess! You are an embarrassment to the aristocratic slaveholders who forged this mighty nation.
But gravy is the freedom where Silence! Founding Fathers, to me! (grunting) (gasps) "Congress shall have the power to lay and collect taxes"?! "No new states shall be formed "or erected within the jurisdiction of any other state"?! No, no, John Hancock.
I don't need insurance.
Sam Adams, I'm sorry I made fun of your winter ale.
Homie, wake up.
(gasps) It was all a dream.
Oh, Marge, Oscar Madison came to me and told me that politics are serious and important! (yawns) Lisa, you were right! I'm not going to endorse anybody for anything.
(kids screaming) (muffled grunting) Oh, Dad! I'm so glad you've heard the voice of reason.
Yes, the will of the people should not be subverted by demagogues who-- hey, what's this? "Springfield Colonial Village"? What the? You faked it! Lisa, how could you? It wasn't just her, Homie.
It was all of us.
I did it just to mess with your mind.
That's what a play within a play is for! (choking) No strangling on school days! Well, if there's one thing I don't like being taught, it's a lesson! I'm so mad.
Not only will I endorse Ted Nugent, but I will call for an end to the direct election of senators! Dad, no! Really? That made sense? Then I'm definitely doing it.
Folks, because I love democracy so much, I command you to vote for this man whom I alone have selected as your next president.
Now to baptize his candidacy with my tears.
The words "strutting stadium rocker" are overused these days, but when I first met Ted Nugent (gasps) Uh, huh? My emotions were so powerful.
Come on, hurry up and cry so I can get elected and open up the San Diego Zoo for big game hunting.
(grunting) It's not working.
But why? Maybe because, deep down, you know you don't believe in what you're doing.
Oh, my God, she's right.
My lips will say anything, but my eyes know the truth! My ears are keeping their mouth shut.
My fellow Americans, I am full of crap.
I knew you were, Dad.
(sobbing) I always knew! (sobbing) Well, for one brief, glorious moment, I was almost president, sort of, not really.
Now, let me just play a sweet song that I'll never hear.
Hail to me I'm the presidential gonzo Hunt with a bow 'cause it's silent like the night Eat mooses raw so their souls go into my soul I'll move the White House to Kalamazoo.
TED: There is a new national anthem that is sweeping the land And it was written by me And it popped into my head while I was washing my dog Suck on that, Francis Scott Key Oh, I got a good song fever Ted Nugent fever HOMER: Something, something fever TED: Sing it, Homer! HOMER: I got this song fever TED/HOMER: We got America fever We got America fever TED: U.
S.
of A! HOMER: U.
S.
of A.
HOMER: Great song, Ted! When's our next gig? Are we going to New York or? Shh! HOMER: Oh