The Simpsons s23e11 Episode Script

The D'oh-cial Network

(Ned whimpering) (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) D'oh! So what are we doing here? What, is it the thing where the family runs in and sits down? That's it? We flew you in and put you up for that? I, I think we're done here.
Paul.
(playing The Simpsons theme song) (song ends) Lisa Simpson, your actions have brought devastation upon this town, and all because of your selfish desire to be accepted by others.
(gallery murmuring hostilely) Leave her alone.
That's my only talking daughter.
Lethal inject her on the electric chair.
Bart, it's okay to say that at home but not in court.
Take it back.
Withdrawn.
Now, Lisa, tell your side of the story, and use your big voice.
Well, it all started a couple of months ago.
Your Honor, I'd like to request that everyone in the court picture in their minds what the witness is describing.
I'll allow it, but no flights of fancy.
Well, McBain, you certainly picked a bad time to come out of retirement.
I hope you have a COBRA plan.
(hisses) You are suffering from a reptile dysfunction.
HOMER (groaning): Down in front.
Damn it, why do kids have heads? Homie, stop watching the movie in the other people's car.
Oh, but I'm invested in the characters.
You'll miss the turnoff to the fancy new mall.
I make my own turnoffs.
(tires screeching) And that, kids, is how you stick it to the Towne Centre Real Estate Investment Trust.
No, no, no.
Whoo-hoo! (tires screech) Someone thinks we're leaving.
I'll wave them off.
No, no, no, no, let's see how long we can keep 'em waiting.
Everyone act like we're buckling up to go home.
(laughs) Homie.
Marge, if you were married to Da Vinci, you wouldn't tell him not to Da Vinch.
(groans) Damn it, are you leaving or not?! Leaving? Why on earth would you think that? (roars) (all laughing) We totally wasted his time.
And ours.
(laughs) This place is so great.
When the trolley hits you, it doesn't even hurt.
(bell ringing, Homer giggling) You try it, Maggie.
(bell ringing, Maggie giggling) Ooh, condos.
Lenny, do you live here? Yeah, I just moved in.
I have a Drippin' Dots for breakfast every morning; at lunch, I get a massage in front of strangers; and then I spend the afternoon browsing cell phone skins.
Ever get tired of those dancing waters? (Strauss' "The Blue Danube" playing) The day I moved in.
So what are we all going to do together? Actually, we just came to do some shopping as a family.
Oh, no worries.
Mr.
Mall can make his own excitement.
Give me one doll from every time period, and set me up for a tea party in a private room.
Lenny, you asked me to stop you from coming back in here.
Let me help you.
You can help me by giving me Ellis Island Emily.
Hi, dear, I'm your Uncle Lenny.
I'm going to buy you an all-new wardrobe, fix your teeth, send you to the best schools, and you're going to hate and resent me for it 'cause you're an American now.
I was hanging on to these gift cards as investments, but then half the companies went out of business.
Better sort those out.
(applause) CROWD: Aw (loud applause) CROWD: Aw (grunts nervously) D'oh! Do-over.
Hmm.
Whoo-hoo! Unspool it into my mouth till that card is at zero.
Draw the curtain.
(Bart humming) Sir, as a complexion scientist, I must advise you against using any more.
This is the most powerful hydrator we sell.
Less blathering, more slathering.
(grunts happily) (laughs) (laughing) Hey! Watch it! Yo, Bart dude.
Can I get a ride to the food court? Hop on.
(laughing): Ho-ho! (grunts) Hmm.
I kind of want to create my own thing.
Do you sell any just plain sets? No.
We do all the imagining for you.
(sighs) Well, I'll just buy one of these and build something different.
You do and you'd better build yourself a lawyer.
LAWYER: Miss Simpson, does the court really need to hear everything that happened in every store your family visited? Trust me, I've left a lot out and cleaned up the swears.
Anyway, I ran into some schoolmates and thought they might be friendly.
That's what kids do, right, hang out at the mall together? But when I went over Hi, guys, what are you doing? Duh, having feathers woven into our hair.
LISA'S BRAIN: Those girls are snotty and shallow.
Tell them off.
Can I join you? (Lisa's brain groans) Lisa, how can we put this? You're the reason no one wears Silly Bandz anymore.
Wha? They, they don't? (gasps) (grunts) What the? (sighs sadly) (moans) Enough.
I don't trust this place.
Where are the cashiers? Huh? Oh.
Huh? Oh.
Yeah, the lightest, most desirable computer in the world for the next three weeks: the Mapple Void.
I'll take it, provided you charge me for services that Google offers for free.
I already have.
Sweet.
This computer is so great.
I'm watching the latest Sofia Coppola movie at 20x speed to make it seem like a normal movie.
I think it just froze.
Oh, no, no, that bird just moved.
Uh-oh, a draggy backpack.
I have no friends.
Aw, sweetie, hey, why don't you make friends with my new computer? - Okay.
- Let me just finish downloading the complete works of Shakespeare.
(humming) (sneaky chuckle) Now who's the greatest writer of all time? I'd have more friends if I knew what people liked, but I won't know what people like unless I'm their friend.
It's a conundrum.
Helpful hint: If you want friends, don't use words like "conundrum.
" (phone rings) JIMBO: Co-what-drum? Jimbo heard me say it.
I'm dead.
Hmm.
It's easier to be friends with lots of people online than one person in person.
What if I started an online meeting place where all are equal and I am the undisputed center? (both grunting) How's this for a conundrum? It's not really a conundrum.
Sit at my feet and I will elaborate.
So, to summarize, Your Honor, Lisa Simpson created this "social network" because she had no friends.
No, that is not true.
I May I remind you you're under oath? All right already.
I had no friends.
With a attitude like that, I wouldn't be her friend.
Life is too dang short.
So, since I had no friends, I assembled a motley crew of the friendless to help me construct my social network.
Did we become friends? No.
(overlapping chatter) As the CEO of SpringFace, I want you all to have fun as you write source code until you fall asleep at your consoles.
(all agreeing) Delightful.
Here's my favorite computer game: Angry Nerds.
(squawks) (all snorting like pigs) Nelson, is there any way I could be your friend? The only way I would be your friend is if I could click a box under your picture saying "Accept friendship request from.
" Nelson, you've just given us the template for our site.
I don't care.
(grunts) (clatter like bowling pins) (groans) If we don't move, his odds of getting us both are 374 to one.
Ooh-oo-ooh, ooh.
(grunts) Bye.
(keyboards clatter) Now, to skip ahead, your diabolical plan was an instant success.
I never said it was diabolical.
Withdrawn.
This social network quickly unified the disparate children of Springfield Unified.
Oh, I just got invited to make out with Shauna.
See? That went out to 200 guys.
(groans) And seven girls.
(brightly): Oh Santa's Little Helper's friends with Snowball Two? Now I've seen everything.
Ha, all my friends have birthdays this year.
(typing) (click) (chuckles) I just un-friended Skinner Doggone it.
I'm less popular than the hornet's nest in the gym.
You said you were getting rid of that nest.
We trade the honey for chalk and yardsticks.
Hornets make honey? Better than wasp honey, not as good as bee.
Is this how you talk on dates? I wish my dates were this interesting.
Hit refresh.
(click) Hit refresh.
(gasps) I have a thousand friends.
And only eight of them are Milhouse.
A thousand kids? If you could get each of them to send you a dollar, you'd be a millionaire.
Well, it's not just kids using SpringFace, it's moms like me, Marge.
Wait a minute, grownups are on this? Yeah, look.
We've got to thank you, kiddo.
We've gotten so much more action since we signed up and used this picture of ourselves.
(raspy chuckling) That's not you.
You can see our reflection in the sunglasses.
(chuckling) Wow, I've created something incredibly popular.
And I've created something that created something incredibly popular.
And I created an alcoholic hippo.
You never showed it to me.
A stupid alcoholic hippo.
I still want to see it.
There is no hippo.
Then why did you say it? 'Cause you're the hippo.
Are you just saying that 'cause you don't want me to see the hippo? I don't have a hippo! And so, this so-called "SpringFace" spread from the world of children to adults.
Man, this Web site makes talking drunk to my wife so much safer.
I am sitting here zero sheets to the wind (sneaky chuckle) HOMER: counting the moments to closing time when I can stumble home to you.
Another round, Moe.
Uh-oh, did I type that? Delete! Delete! Hm, typing "delete" does not delete.
(puzzled groan) It is gratifying to see all of you bowing in prayer, the light of God shining on your faces.
Uh-oh, Bernice Hibbert keeps "liking" Bumblebee Man'sos.
That's how it starts.
Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk.
Why did I make this church a Wi-Fi hotspot? (groans) If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Let's see, which Muppet am I? Beaker? Hm, I guess that's fair.
Friend, friend, awaiting reply, friend Sherri? Terri? Hopscotch? Double Dutch? Ringolivio? Anyone? Oh, I have a thousand friends, and I feel more alone than ever.
Whee! I am trying to set a mood here.
(somberly): Whee.
So, to sum up, Lisa's social network turned into the biggest Internet failure since (chuckles) Well, there've been so many.
"Ask Jeeves," anyone? (raucous laughter) (horse neighs) And so SpringFace became too big to control, just like the 60-foot baby in my self-published novel, The 60 Ft.
Baby.
Order it online now, while you can still cheat the government on sales tax.
(clears throat) As I was saying, SpringFace was used in ways I never expected.
(typing) (video game gunfire) Thanks for SpringFacing me your head cleaver, Bart.
(screaming) (magazine reloading) (gunfire) (screaming) Check this out: I'm hiding a bomb in this pile of corpses, so when Kearney loots their ammo, he gets a face full of ass shrapnel.
(explosion) Damn, I got ass-shrapped! (groans) (tires squealing) What the?! That idiot cut me off.
(camera clicks) I'm gonna run his plates, find out who he is, then change his SpringFace profile picture to a shot of a monkey.
(chuckle Get that, Marge? A monkey! Homer, watch the road.
Right.
Status update: Homer is watching the (shrieks) (tires screeching, thud) (tires squealing, crashing) (metal crunching) Dislike! Dislike! (thud) (sirens wail) (sirens wailing, tires squealing) (tires screeching, cars crashing, glass shattering) Somebody call 911! I don't know how to use the phone on my phone.
Hey, did you guys get my picture of the fire? Yeah, I did; nice grab.
I didn't get it yet.
Yeah, funny how that works.
Lisa Simpson, can you give us any reason why the city should not force you to shut down your site? I know it's awful and insular and caused 35 deaths, but I had friends.
Four digits of friends! I had a friend in common with Malcolm Gladwell.
He friends everybody.
(quietly): Fine.
I'll shut down the site.
When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye Time to get a life.
You're just like an angel Your skin makes me cry (mimic guns firing) We don't need your crummy Web site.
We can make anything into guns.
(mimic guns shooting) JANEY: Lisa.
Lisa! Want to play Marco Polo with us? We just realized you don't have to play in a pool.
You really want me? (sarcastically): No.
We want your Dad.
Marco.
Come on, Lisa.
Polo! Fish out of water.
(laughter) When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye You're just like an angel Hey, Winklevosses.
You're gonna lose yet again.
You should see the expression on your faces.
Oh, wait, you can.
They're fat, they smoke, they started training a week ago.
Why can't we pull away? Because we can't stop concentrating on that $65 million Facebook settlement, which somehow wasn't enough for us.
Even though we were rich in the first place.
(grunts) So long, you big babies! Hope you like the taste of silver! Help us, Larry Summers! Come on, Wonder twin! Pull! NARRATOR: And now, for a Simpsons "Show's Too Short" story.
(thunderclap, bat screeching) Once there was a young rascal named Bart.
This lad was trouble from the very start.
When it came to mischief, he had a black thumb.
It didn't hurt that his daddy was dumb.
And when it came to best friends, it was Milhouse who picked him.
Sometimes the sidekick, sometimes the victim.
Then one day at school engulfed in ennui, Bart dreamed of wrapping the place in T.
P.
So off to the discount store they did skulk.
With the evil intent of buying in bulk.
They went to the school and put up a ladder.
Only to wait for Milhouse's bladder.
All that evening they unfurled with delight.
And soon the school was covered in white.
The mischievous boys had done their best.
When an eagle approached, needing a nest.
They tried to escape with struggles and squirms.
But all they got was a diet of worms.
There they remained to this very day.
So now you know, pranks do not pay.
Simpson! (The Simpsons theme performed by The Tiger Lillies) (song ends) Shh!