The Simpsons s23e15 Episode Script

Exit Through the Kwik-E-Mart

(goose honking) the simpsons D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (crows cawing) Dad? Dad? (snoring) (beeping) (tab popping) Yes! Awake! Let's do this! Dad, I wanted to give you a heads-up.
Mom's birthday is tomorrow.
It's time to start your annual mad dash around town to get her a present that's not completely insulting.
You know, sweetie, there was a time when I would've killed for that information, but I'm pleased to announce I've already bought your mother a present.
(gasping) And brace yourself, I put some thought into it.
(bigger gasp) It's a state-of-the-art food mash-'em-upper.
Wha? Mom is gonna love that! (chuckles) Love?! Your mom's gonna feel so good, it'll make mere love seem like chewing tinfoil.
Because today, I'm getting it autographed.
By who? Lenny? By the box lady herself! Whoa-whoa-whoa! Yeah-ohaa! Man, oh, man, look at this place.
Finally, a supermarket with a clear premise: "island something.
" It's like going to Hawaii without the murderous locals.
They have jellies made of fruits I've never heard of! These'll go great with betel nut butter.
Wow, I don't believe the Simpsons Apu! What are you doing out of your natural habitat? I am finding out who my real customers are, and who is going to cheat on my store with some South Sea sugar shack! But at the Kwik-E-Mart, the only fresh fruit is the one banana by the register.
You keep your ice cream right beside the motor oil! You sell cigarettes to kids.
Now see here, I have always considered you cash-giving cows to be my friends.
And friends do not betray friends.
Friends are the only people you can betray! And you'd do it in a second for a supermarket that gives free coffee samples! (grunts) Defend yourself, sir! (grunting, whimpering) (yelling) Convenience forever, freshness never! (grunting) Uh-huh.
Would you sign this for my wife Marge? She's a big fan and her birthday is tomorrow.
Uh-hm, you know, while I was signing this for your wife, I just cooked up (gasps) a great idea! Oh How would you like it if I called your wife live from my show tomorrow to wish her a happy birthday? You would do that?! Oh, my God, this might be a Marge's birthday where I get sex! Ooh! An apron with a sonnet! Open mine! Quick, before it suffocates! A bunny! Just like the one I had when I was a girl! How did you know? I saw this picture at Grandma's house, then I hit the pet stores till I found one that looked just like it.
Oh, Bart, you got me the fluffy pet I've never stopped thinking about.
Now, last but not least, your present, Homie.
Oh! (chuckles) Wait one second, Marge.
Before you open it, you're gonna get a phone call that will make this your most awesome birthday ever.
Well, we're still focused on me instead of watching golf, so that's pretty good.
The only golf we'll watch is ladies' golf, and we're not watching that.
Now in three two one I repeat.
One Ooooooone (moaning) (coughs) ne.
(raspy): Oonnneee Please don't say one again.
(whispers weakly): Onnneee.
Homie, whatever it is, it's not happening.
(grunts) This yolk-separating camera-hog was supposed to call you and say happy birthday! From her show! Well, at least you remembered I like her.
A pity kiss?! That tears it! I'm gonna call that Paula Paul and give her a piece of my mind! Huh? The phone's dead.
Normal, normal, normal, normal, nor Uncharacteristic?! Hm? A chew-through.
What could have Aw I mean, (growls) Aw, he's trying to eat "ewectwicity.
" You let this monster into our home, where he chewed through our one and only phone cord! Wait! Maybe Paula Paul left a message.
PAULA: Hi, Marge! Paula Paul here, calling live from What's On Paula's Windowsill?, ready to wish you a happy birthday, but since you're not home yet, we'll go to commercial and call you right back.
(beep) Hi, Paula Paul, calling back for Marge Simpson! Kind of a big moment for you, a little surprised you're not picking up! (beep) Marge, this is just plain disrespectful.
I bumped a segment to do this and you're making me look like an ass! (beep) Screw you, Marge Simpson! Don't read my books and don't make my recipes! May my curse follow you beyond the grave! Check it out! It's on TV! They're booing you, Marge! An audience full of church groups and Marines! Marge, go to hell, Marge! I think that's enough birthday fun.
Why you little I'm gonna get (grunts) No, Homer.
You can't strangle a boy on his mother's birthday.
Juries hate that.
So instead, boy, I want you to (grunts) Get in that rabbit cage! No way, man.
I'm a free-range kid.
No backtalk! In the cage! Now! Get in there.
(sucking) Son, do you have a minute? I've been thinking.
I really shouldn't have put you in there and left you there while we were having pizza without you.
So I'm gonna let you out with my apologies.
Don't wanna come out.
(high-pitched grumbling) What!? I like it in the cage.
These cedar shavings are a hell of a lot better than my lumpy mattress.
Boy, get out of that cage! But it's my home now, sir.
(grunts) I'll poke a broom in there! You know I'm capable of it! (both grunting) Hey! Get out of there, you little brat.
(grunting) Aah! Fine.
(muttering) Stupid kid.
This isn't comfortable at all.
I don't see how a rabbit could possibly (snores) There.
Awesome revenge, cutting your dad's face out of a piece of cardboard.
No, you dweeb.
It's a stencil.
I'm going to take Homer's ugly face and spread it all over town.
Can I come? Every vandalism spree needs an obnoxious laugher.
(obnoxious laughing) You're in.
("The Sorcerer's Apprentice" playing) Hey, you punks! What are you doing?! (both laughing) If you wake up my pigeons, they're gonna do their business again.
And these days, there's no newspapers so I have to put down Amazon Kindles.
I'm like It's, it's bankrupting me.
(humming The Simpsons theme) Dri-ving-to-work What the huh?! HOMER: Wait a minute that guy on the poster looks familiar.
Don't just stare back at me, come up with a theory! Geez, it's all over the place.
Holy moley! Quiet night.
Nothin' but the sound of a spray can and kids laughing, heh.
Tag, we're it! Springfield has been hit hard by a mysterious graffiti artist and his iconic calling-card, which we have dubbed "Mr.
" Heard about this thing, boy? No, no.
I'm too concerned with unemployment.
Hm, sounds like a lie, but what could he be covering up? Homie, have you seen our stencil budget for this month? Not now, Marge.
Chief, any leads on this "Vandal Van Gogh"? I don't traffic in wordplay, Kent.
But I do have a message for Mr.
Prank Lloyd Wright.
Uh, that's architecture, not painting, Chief.
They're all artists, Lou.
Why don't you open your eyes.
Now, as for Mr.
Prank Gehry, you may have thumbed your nose at the police, and made yourself into a combination of Robin Hood, Luke Skywalker and, well, every rapper ever, but unless you prove that this wasn't just a one-time spree, and take your controversial art form to the next level, I am not impressed.
Hmm (screams) Boy, you like this necklace I just bought? Pretty dope, don't you think? (sighs) So, how do you like working at Swapper Jack's? Hey, after biting off a man's nose in a prison race war, selling pre-cooked Pad Thai to soccer moms is pretty darn sweet.
Here, I'm not Jailbird, I'm just "Bird.
" (gun cocks) This is a stick-them-up! Because I have a gun, you must stick them up now! Yes, it is loaded, with bullets that you put in my chest.
Now empty the cash drawer! Come on! All right, chill, bro.
Just chill out.
I will chill you, right between your damned eyes! For once, the Indian has been outsourced! Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.
Just give me the piece.
No You've got a family, dude.
No Or were you lying when you begged for your life? Oh, sweet Vishnu the Destroyer, what have I done? Dude, it's okay.
The jails, they don't have room for us now.
Wiggum just makes you do book reports for Ralph.
But you have to make 'em so it looks like he's done it.
That's that's kinda the hard part.
Where's this 2006 Beaujolais that's puttin' me out of business? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! There's a white wine? And wha-- and a Swiss cheese? And a peanut butter? And a potato chip? And toilet paper? Wha-what?! Yo, mysterious pranksters, it's time for dinner.
Damn it, she knows! Okay, how do we buy your silence? Just throw in a couple of "fur is murders.
" How is fur, murder? They're just animals.
Dad! Fine.
Fur's murder.
Everything's murder.
Tonight The streets are ours Tonight The streets are ours These lights And our street are ours Tonight Bart, you've really grown as an artist.
Thanks, Milhouse.
We make a great team.
Hold it right there! The jerk in the glasses did everything! Whoa! Waah! Need inhaler (gasps) (coughs) Oh, God, man! Here, drink this paint thinner.
So, you're the two punks who've been tagging the town.
BOTH: Huh? We're street artists.
Take that, Ronald Reagan! Even in death, you're not that safe from me.
Is that graffiti or are you opening up a Mommy and Me? That's it.
You just got yourself a place on the wall, kid.
Nooo! I've been satirized! Who are you guys? Kenny Scharf, Robbie Conal.
I'm Shepard Fairey.
(chuckles) What was that name again? Shepard Fairey.
NELSON (distant): Haw-haw! (laughing) I'm the guy who created the Obama "Hope" poster, and the "Obey" stickers.
Man, you're the talkiest bullies I ever met.
We're not bullies, we're artists.
And so are you.
Urban vandalism is now the hottest art form there is.
Hey, I got an F in art.
Mainly so it would say "fart" on my report card.
Bart, we would love to set up a gallery show for your street art.
Well, if it's in a gallery, how is it street art? Bart, street art is not about questioning authority.
Well, I'll have to discuss it with my partner.
Bart, say yes! At the opening, I could wear a sports jacket with a t-shirt and jeans! First, I'm not sure you have the shoulders for it, and second, maybe we've pushed this far enough.
(laughing) I put you in a rabbit cage! I poked your flab back in, square by square.
(growls) Count me in.
(siren wailing) (tires screeching) Apu! It is a miracle! What now? Swapper Jack is reuniting Led Zeppelin in aisle six? Swapper Jack's is closing! No.
Do not give me false hope like the time they said it was only sextuplets.
It is true! Every successful corporation harbors a terrible secret.
Theirs is that what they sell as chicken is actually monkey.
But the drumsticks Stunted monkey tails.
And their chicken pot pie? Monkey pot pie! But how 'bout their rotisserie chi-- Monkey, monkey, monkey! They scoop them up off the streets of Brazil! So, we have won.
Finally I am lucky at something.
You were lucky at love.
Yeah, sure, baby.
Hey, Bart, check this out.
Look at me, I'm Mr.
Fatso! (laughing) It's funny 'cause it's so preposterous.
(nervous laughing) Yeah.
(chuckles) We've hit the big time! "I, Carumba"?! Not so loud.
If my Dad hears about the show, he might realize Mr.
Fatso is him.
What the? You idiot.
Fatso is you! What? No.
It can't be.
That's right, numbskull.
Your son's made a fool of you in front of the whole town.
Shut up! I'll fix you! (gulping) Well, I'll fix you.
Go drive a car! Yes, master.
Here, car! Here, boy! Excellent installation, dude.
And a great excuse for me to bust out my courtroom jacket.
Thanks, guys.
I, um Ooh, this collar's feeling pretty tight.
(grunts) Help! Help! (posters growling) Oh, this is just a dream.
All I have to do is wake up.
Why, you little (choking) Pay for your genius! Oh, what's the use? When a man isn't a hero to his son, he's nothing.
I like what used to make a neighborhood look dangerous now makes it look sophisticated.
I like how the painting makes more than I do.
Looks like Dad's not coming.
He won't leave the car.
I can see how this show might not be to his liking.
Come on, Dad.
You made me mad, so I got back at you.
How was I to know parents had feelings? Well, we do.
I want to show you I understand how you feel.
And they say a picture's worth a 1,000 words.
You just ruined my car.
Correction, it's worth ten times as much.
$500! Whoo-hoo! Thanks, boy.
You're welcome.
And from now on, Dad, if anyone laughs at you, they've gotta go through me.
Really? Anyone? What about the Hulk riding a rhinoceros? Would you stop him from laughing? Wait, is the Hulk laughing, or the rhinoceros? Both, but the rhinoceros doesn't know why.
He's just trying to fit in.
Dad, it's getting cold out here.
(clinking glass) Art lovers and Bart lovers! First of all, I'd like to thank the good folks at Springfield Arts Daily for setting this up.
Thank you for bringing us a fresh new voice.
(chuckles) Yes.
Yes yes.
As a graffiti artist, there are so many people to thank people who build walls nighttime, for being dark Hold it right there, Spray-candy Warhol! (gun cocks) Bart Simpson, you're under arrest for tagging the town.
This overdue art-quake that taught us all a new way of seeing, was actually a police department sting.
It was? Yeah.
Do you think people would be stupid enough to pay for something some amateur put on a wall for nothing? Oh, no, indeed! Now if I can just get my $3,000,000 back.
No refunds.
But he just said the show was a sham.
Oh, it is.
And I'm just a guy sitting at a table.
The only thing that's real, is the sign that says "no refunds.
" Ooh Wait, Chief.
I must know who tipped you off? Eh, probably shouldn't tell you this, but, uh, it was our undercover officer, Shepard Fairey.
You're an undercover cop? Hey, don't be so surprised.
I spent 20 years putting up posters that said "obey.
" What gives, Daddy-O? I thought you were the dean of the underground scene.
I'm not in the business of helping out posers any more.
Now, I just sell stuff to them.
Wait, wait, wait! He's just a boy.
Do you have to put him in jail? Well, we've gotta teach him a lesson somehow.
Hmm Chief, I believe I have the answer in the back of my car.
Hm! There you go.
Thanks for coming out.
I need to go to the bathroom.
Uh, knock yourself out.
All right, time's up! Aw, aw, aw, no! Shh!
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