The Simpsons s23e16 Episode Script

How I Wet Your Mother

(barks, whimpers) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (beep) (whirring) (door creaks) (buzzing) (zapping) Item being procured: one standard-sized paper clip.
Did you guys see that stupid foul call in the game last night? See it? We followed the ref home and beat the crap out of him.
Yeah, I ill think that might've been a kid who worked at Foot Locker.
Hey, the supply room's open.
I better close it.
Unguarded stuff! (grunts, chuckles) Attention, lovers of free office supplies! Come and steal things you can easily afford! (sizzling) (loud scraping, rattling) (horn honking, tires screech) (stapling) (chuckles) Can someone open this bottle of mother wolf placenta for me? (gasps) Mr.
Burns! Save me, panic! Huh? MAN: Oh! Whoo-hoo! (rapid clicking) (gasps) My rubberized bands! My binder clips! (shudders) My accordion Post-its! Oh, Lenny, why would you steal my bear? I just wanted something to cuddle at night.
That's my cuddle bear! I loved him, I shot him-- he's mine! (crow caws) It has come to my attention that you lunch-bagging wage lizards are robbing me blind.
If you paid us better, we wouldn't have to steal! You don't even work here! Wha?! You mean I've been calling in sick for nothing? I might not be here tomorrow, that's for sure.
Only one of you monkeys wasn't caught with his sticky paw in my tin cup.
Homer Simpson.
(chuckles) How you doing there? Wow, he threw us under the bus, and now he's sitting in the bus driver's lap.
Now, Simpson, how is it that you alone managed to keep your moral compass pointed to true north? Well, sir, before I do anything, I stop and ask myself: "What would Jesus and Mr.
Burns do?" You are garbage made flesh! This is a mockery! Hush! Now, while Simpson gets the day off, the rest of you will write "Homer Simpson: Moral Lodestar.
" Question: Can we have fun with it? No, you may not.
(grumbling) (birds chirping) (chuckles) You know, boy, my dad used to take me fishing just like this.
(text chimes sounding) (chuckles) More angry texts from work.
(whistles) That's a lot of eights.
I can't believe you got all your friends in trouble and you got the day off! Hey, it's called karma.
Isn't karma where if you do something bad, bad things happen to you? (chuckles) A common misconception.
Suck it, karma! Yeah! I'm talking to you, karma! Ha-ha-ha! Karma's a bitch, karma! (yawns) Ah, nothing better than a lazy Saturday morning lying in a warm, moist bed, because weekends are Moist?! I wet the bed! The one embarrassing thing I've never done! (whimpering): I (muttering) Marge, from time to time I've heard you speak of a "washing machine.
" Where would I find this marvelous contraption? Why? Are you going to do the laundry? Not just the laundry.
That would be weird, and you might ask questions.
I'm gonna do all the chores.
HOMES BRAIN: What the hell are you doing! Don't yell at me, brain.
This happened on your watch.
You have two jobs-- thinking and bladder control! I'm doing the best with what I got.
All you feed me is reality shows! I like to watch Lamar Odom play Xbox while his giant wife yells at him.
Is that so nuts?! Huh?! Yeah, shut you up.
(birds chirping) Now, I'm sure yesterday's incident of urination domination was a one-time deal.
But just to make sure (shrieks) Oh, why can't I cork my wang-wine? Homer you do not yet understand the meaning of karma.
But isn't karma just an expression of the dharma? (stammering) That is beside the point, okay? If something bad is happening to you, it must be because of something you did to others.
(gasps) Deep down, I must be feeling guilty about getting my friends in trouble! And my problem won't stop till I make things right with them! But first, a little more sleep, hm? (grunting) (snoring) This is the best "I'm sorry" party Homer's ever thrown.
Who the hell are you? I'm sorry.
Cheese on that? Sorry.
Hey, Lenny.
One more announcement.
Make sure you whack "piñata me" and not "real me.
" (grunting) A lot of work went into this thing.
(grunting) Die! Die! Die! So, I got to know, do you guys forgive me? OTHERS: Oh, yeah! Ain't no problem that free food and free booze won't fix.
Free?! Uh Oh Free it is! (cheering, whooping) Thanks, guys.
(chuckles) Tomorrow morning my sheets will be as dry as the surface of Mars, except for the poles.
(birds chirping) (gasps) What the? Wet? Again? Oh, I did the right thing for nothing! There's only one solution left.
(grunting) Mm-hmm.
MAN (over loudspeakers): Homer Simpson! You forgot your receipt for your adult bedwetting product! Homer Simpson! Are you there?! (light scraping) Mm-hmm, okay.
Place detection pad here.
Connect alarm hook-up here.
Now, that's what I call looking out for number one.
(chuckles) (Homer snoring) (alarm blaring) (gasps) What's going on? Uh, uh, that was just the fire alarm.
Try to go back to sleep.
(grunting) Shut up! (alarm stops) Oh (gasps) (laughs): Whoa-hoa-hoa! What's going on? Is this a joke? Son, I'm afraid the Uralarm Whiz-no-more 9000 is no joke.
What is going on? (groans) Kids, there's something I have to tell you.
Your mother and I are wetting the bed.
"We're" wetting the bed? Hey, when you were pregnant, everything was "we.
" (grumbles) (smooching, moaning) HOMER: I'm so turned on.
(both moaning) (grumbles) What? I'm sorry, Homie.
A diaper just isn't sexy.
What about Cupid? He's smokin' hot.
He's a baby with wings.
Marge, it's not the diaper, it's what's inside.
(chuckles) (singing striptease music) (continues singing striptease music) That's just not doing it for me.
Oh (Homer snoring) (continues snoring) (explosion, yelling) Professor Frink, are you all right? Oh, yes, yes, I'm fine, my dear.
I was just trying to get past the New York Times pay-wall, and then kaboy! And what brings you out in the middle of the night? It's kind of embarrassing.
Yes, I heard about your husband's bedwetting problem.
How do you know about it? Tweeted by Bart, re-tweeted by Krusty.
(grumbles) Well, perhaps I can help.
You see, I have invented a device that allows you to enter someone else's dreams and explore their subconscious.
So we can go inside Homer's sleeping mind and find out why he's wetting the bed? Uh, yes.
In fact, I just used it to cure another Springfielder of his particular obsession.
Normal Stu likes normal things! Hmm.
(Homer snoring) (continues snoring) We're actually entering Dad's dreams? Yes, yes.
You see, it's the only way you can uncover the psychological trauma that is causing your father's secret shame.
Why does Maggie have to go? What am I, a babysitter?! (click) (sigh) So no school for me.
(whooshing, zapping) (grunting) (chuckles) Hey, guys, whatcha doing in my dream? Trying to fix your broken brain.
My brain's fine.
In my dreams, I'm an intermediate skier! (Maggie sucking pacifier) (sinister laughter) Ski patrol! Everybody be cool! It's Death! I recognize him from 40th birthday cards.
(Death chuckling) Homie, this might be a clue.
What's in that coffin could be behind your nighttime oopsies.
You wet the bed?! Oh great! Now Death knows! (whimpering) (screams) What do you see? Uh, nothing, typical dream nonsense.
(all screaming) Relax.
Everyone knows that if you die in a dream, you just wake up.
(phone rings) Oh, uh, actually, because I neglected to install the latest Adobe Acrobat update, if you die in the dream, you die in real life.
(gasps) Incidentally, I've also proven that Hell is real, and everyone goes there.
Frink out.
(all screaming) (screaming) Wait a minute, I can't die.
(roaring) Mommy.
(screaming resumes) Listen, everyone.
We should fall asleep in this dream.
One minute at this level equals two hours one dream level below.
Wait, dreams have rules? Everything has rules, Bart.
Not me, when I hit the dance floor.
(making goofy noises) Ooh-ooh-ooh! Ah-ah-ah! (snoring) (belches) Bart! Can the chatter and fetch me a baloney sandwich.
Why don't you fetch it yourself, man.
Bart's making faces! Shut up, you kids, and bring me baloney.
(grunting) Wait nicely.
Simpson family? Now, I believe that to solve Homer's problem, he must face what's inside the coffin.
Forget it, Doc.
What if that's my marriage in there? Marriage, shmarriage.
What's in the box, man? (yelling) See what your monkeyshines have done, boy? Still smells better than your gym socks, man.
Why you little I'll teach you to make fun of my socks.
Here, quick! Everyone into my dream! (gasps) What brings thy merry band to Stratford's plains? Forsooth, a myst'ry doth confound In your dreams.
We never do my thing.
Ooh Huh? (grunts, gasps) I know this dream.
It's the land of my innermost thoughts and fondest desires.
At last we'll get to the bottom of WOMAN: Welcome back, handsome.
(nervous giggles) Uh, Marge, this is my friend Keggy.
Mmm Oh (doors ding) In this fantasy Kwik-E-Mart, you get your change in bacon.
Whoo-hoo! MOES: In this place mothers are for drunk driving.
ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug! Hey Dad, if this is your fantasy world, how come Flanders is here? Hi-diddly-ho, dream team! (screams) Where's my God now? (laughing) Homie! We're here to find answers to your problem.
We know there's a marriage in trouble, and it has something to do with fish.
Oh, lighten up, Marge.
I take you to the Disneyland of me, and you just want to go to the lost and found.
Well, guess what? We're staying in this dream forever.
(laughing) Whoo-hoo! (laughs) Wheeee! I'm in me! (laughs) Oh, I love the down part! Here it comes! Whoo-hoo! (humming) Unplug these people, Dr.
Ker-dork-ian! Oh, you foolish man, if I unhook them now, I won't know if this is safe to use on chimps! All right, I'll do it myself.
Give me that, give me it! No! Oh, the largeness! (screaming) (shrieks) Quick! Gum up the gears with Moes.
Hey, you know what's good for cleaning Moe gunk out of your gears? White vinegar.
(screaming) Uh, we're goona be here a long time.
Oh Death, you're a life saver.
Thank you, Death.
May I ask, what's taken so long with Larry King? I am not Death.
Mom?! Grandma So your alive? No.
But I live on in Homer's dreams.
Just like my hair.
It's Jennifer Aniston's hair on Friends.
Exactly like Chandler, always criticizing.
Now, I have something to show you.
Something that just might help Homer wake up dry.
While you boys are out playing in the boat I'll go to the store and pick us up some dinner.
No need.
With two Simpson men in the boat will bring you back a pile of fish.
I'm in charge of the tackle box Ha-ha.
And we're off Bye.
(laughing) Man Homer, you've always been a loser.
Why you little there's nothing in this dream world that can't strangle you.
Um, I hear you and mommy yelling again last night.
Oh, no, no.
It was just a TV show.
Mitch Miller was yelling at one of his idiot singers.
You just concentrate on catching the fish and not whether there'll be someone there to cook it.
I got a bite! We got a fish! We got a fish! All right, settle down there, boy.
After we eat it, can we let it go? Can we catch a submarine? (both scream) MONA: You got home hours late with no fish.
It was only a few weeks later that I left your father for good.
You left him because I tipped the boat over and ruined the vacation? Pathetic.
A kid who can't keep his parents' marriage together is no kid at all.
It's true! I failed the basic duty of childhood.
(gasps) And then when I took Bart fishing, it all came back, and the guilt made me wet the bed.
Case closed.
Now, let's return our dream skis.
Case not closed.
Hmm? Homer, you have nothing to feel guilty about, and I can show you.
Roll the film, Cletus.
"Roll the film, Cletus.
" "Kiss me, Cletus.
" Whatever you say, boss lady.
Sorry, Mona.
We had more of an adventure than we planned on.
It's okay, Abe.
You brought back the only treasure I care about.
And when the time came that I had to leave your father, I knew you were in good hands.
I'm cured! I'll never wet the bed again.
And maybe you'll stop overeating, too.
No can do, baby.
(loud rumbling) And never forget, Homer: the three of us will always be together, in your memory.
Right next to the movie trivia.
Stanley Kubrick wanted Robin Williams to star in The Shining.
Casablanca was originally going to star Ronald Reagan.
There was a Grease 2, and I wasn't in it.
Whoa! Hey, watch it! There you go again.
Shazbot! And now you'd better run along, sweetheart.
Hmm? Hmm? Huh? (mumbles) (grunts) (gasping) Whoo-hoo! I'm dry! Come on, everybody, feel Daddy's underpants! We'll take your word for it.
So what do I do again? Spin the top.
If it falls over, we're in reality.
If it spins forever, we're still in a dream.
All right.
Look at it go! All right! Hey, since it's a dream, let's ride our bikes naked around town.
Sounds like a plan.
(both laughing) MARGE: Is that hail coming down? HOMER: It's just dream hail.
Ow! Ooh! Ow! Dream hail! (screaming) Hey, there's a dream truck.
(thud) Ow! When you were little, you dreamed you were big You must have been something, a real tiny kid When you were big and needed advice You reached for your mom You dreamed me alive And your dream had a name And the name told your story It's called, growing up You're the dream operator
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