The Simpsons s23e17 Episode Script

Them, Robot

The Simpsons D'oh! (tires screech) (grunts) (wails) (spray paint hisses) (Homer snoring) (muttering) (snoring) Power's out.
Oh, your father must be sleeping on his side again.
(snoring) (choking) From downtown! And it counts! (choking) Think he's okay? Eh (raspy) Thank you.
Just drink some water, you're all right.
Oh, yeah, you don't want to go to the hospital at 5:00 on a Friday.
Whoo-hoo! Thank God it's TGIF! MR.
BURNS (over P.
): Attention, wage worms.
It's time for afternoon announcements.
(jaunty swing music playing) This Monday, the plant will be conducting physical examinations of all employees.
And anyone testing positive for narcotics will be terminated immediately! Bad news, Lang-Soo.
Some casual Friday this is.
You're outta here, drug-o.
And don't forget, federal law mandates that we consider alcohol a drug.
(echoing thunderously): D'oh! (twittering) I told them to make these track d'oh-proof! (rumbling) Homie! You're home early! Well, I didn't feel like going to Moe's today.
Thought I might hang out here for as long as I could take it.
Company physical coming up, huh? Yeah, but a weekend without drinking is no big deal.
I did it when I was in that alcohol-induced coma.
So, what's on the agenda? Well, we're having brunch with my sisters.
(moans) You're hosting my Preteen Braves meeting.
(moans louder) And we're gonna make dreamcatchers out of litter we pick up.
(moans loudly) you promised to help me write a iku.
Why did I do that? It sounds so dull and boring.
What was I thinking? Thank you! Huh?! And you and I were going to study the municipal voter's guide.
What the? Section 1 of Article 21 of the State Constitution is amended to read: Section 1.
In the year following the year in which the national census is taken under the direction of Congress at the beginning of each decade, the Legislature shall adjust the boundary lines of Congressional, State Senate and Assembly districts-- (wailing) Liquor, mustn't think of liquor GRAMPA'S VOICE: Hey, there! What's cookin'? Come on, boy, crack my seal and drink your father.
(screaming): Owwww! (stammering) Wait a minute-- that feels good.
Mm! So, a sober weekend hasn't been that hard.
Let me just take a few antidepressants here.
(gulping) I feel sorry for people without willpower.
I truly do.
Homie, what are you drinking? A surprisingly not-horrible fruit drink called a mimosa.
There's champagne in those! (shrieks) Then there's champagne in me! Oh, what am I gonna do? It's less than 24 hours till my drug test! Maybe I can sweat it out.
(grunting, panting) Oh, man, I'd better have some coffee and iced tea.
No! Irish and Long Island! What about this lemonade? Mike's Hard! Then I better soak up the alcohol with some food! Whoo! Cake! Rum cake! Crepes! Suzette! Cherries! Whoo! Jubilee! (brunchers gasping in awe) (applause) (bird squawks) Wow, passed with flying colors! I've sure earned this! O, Lord, I have once again besotted my liver with Thy fermented gifts.
If You can weasel me out of this physical, I will blow Your mind by doing something incredibly holy, at some point.
Now to mumble in a religious fashion.
Dear God, O, Lord, O, God, O, Lord O, Lord, O, God, O, Lord Almighty.
(jabbering, muttering) Hm your cells have been overexposed to gamma radiation.
Like the Hulk? Well, sort of like the Hulk.
But instead of getting powerful, you're going to get very, very sick.
(moans) Hulk smash Yes, Hulk smash.
(chuckles) Mr.
Burns, you are liable for thousands of dollars per employee, not to mention my extensive fees which (screams) This trapdoor app works like a charm.
LAWYER: You'll still have to pay! (sighs) This is the last time I pay the price for the irritating mortality of the human worker.
Smithers, it's time to re-staff with the super-intelligent kangaroos we've been breeding! I'm sorry, sir, but they just filled their pouches with office supplies and hopped away.
Even the joeys? You know, sir, there is a more high-tech solution.
More high-tech than kangaroos? Ladies and gentlemen, meet the future masters of the human race.
( Night on Bald Mountain playing) (shrieks) Comicon nerds! You fool! These are robots! You will train them and they will replace you.
I give you permission to shake your fists in anger twice.
(employees growl twice) I didn't say, Monty Says.
Now I have cause to terminate.
(angry muttering) LENNY: This is crap.
Now get out.
You didn't say Monty Says.
This is no game! Excellent.
Sir, I'm afraid we do need to keep one human worker-- to sign for packages, a scapegoat for meltdowns, things that would be a waste of the robots' time.
(groans) So we need one meat sock on the payroll.
But who? Mr.
Burns, before I leave, I got a few things to get off my chest.
One, I liked the new microwave in the break room.
Just push "popcorn," you don't have to know how long.
Two, replacing us with robots is heartless and despicable.
Three, how about a farewell party with a caricature artist? You know, it's something both kids and adults can enjoy.
So, to sum up: nicely done, we hate you, and food for thought.
Simpson, wait! As it turns out, there is one job available.
But be forewarned, it promises naught but soul-crushing boredom.
Does the chair go back like this? Yes.
Whoo-hoo! (groans) Well, looks like we've found this plant's one remaining worker of bone and sinew.
(chuckles) Sir, I believe there are two, including yours truly.
It's one, excluding mine falsely! Well, surely no robot can replace me.
Oh! Mmm! (whirring) I can do that.
(imitates whirring) What about this? (jaunty 1920's-era music playing) (groans) (tires screeching) (scoffs) Nice parking, idiot.
So, uh, you guys are my new coworkers.
So, workin' hard or hardly workin'? (chuckles) I said, workin' hard or hardly workin'? Workin' hard or hardly working?! Working hard or hardly working?! It's a simple question! Are you A.
) Working hard or B.
) Ow! (giddy laughter) I guess I just met the joker of the group.
Better watch out for you on April Fool's, am I right? I said, am I right? Am I (yells) So, you guys have any luck finding a new job? Does it look like I've got a job? No, I didn't.
Homer, show a little more sensitivity around these jobless washouts, eh? Hey, I gotta tell ya, I'm miserable there.
I'm all alone, and when there's some problem due to human error, guess who gets blamed? Hey, Homer, you know what I'm playing for ya? The world's smallest violin.
And now I got to sell it, just to make my rent! Oh, my God! Where's the bow? I can't sell it without the bow! Easy, easy there, Lenny.
You can always play it pizzicato.
The buyer clearly specified violin and bow! (Lenny crying) Um, maybe I should be heading home.
(crunch) Oh, no! He stepped on the bow! Boy, this place has gotten so grim.
I'm gonna do something I've never done: Make myself a drink.
Ugh! You call this beer? It's watered-down swill! Oh, you got a problem? Well, here's the complaint department.
MOE: You know what I think, Moe? I think you ain't got the guts! (gun fires) Ha! Missed, ya son-of-a When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie That's amore When the world seems (moans) When you do chair gondola all by yourself, it almost seems stupid.
(moans) (grunts) (gulps) Ah, here it is-- Hydraulic systems flush EEPROM bios auto boot conversation mode?! They can talk?! I just have to press this button, right Well, at least it doesn't feel pain.
Wait a minute D'oh! "Override self-destruct protocol with authorization code Human interaction mode activated.
Initiate conversation.
Will you be my friend? Friendship cannot exist between man and machine.
But I can simulate interest in your statements.
(gasps) You're not a friend you're my best friend.
Uh, just don't ask me to drive you to the airport.
It's no fun to live in a town with a 99% unemployment rate.
Things are so bad.
Look at what happened to the man on my pizza box.
Burns seemed like such a nice man the day he arrived.
(marching band playing brightly) (elephant trumpeting) Cheap power, plentiful jobs, and all your swimming holes shall be warm and bubbling.
Can I pet the elephant? (laughs) Of course.
(coos happily) (screams) (wailing) (groans) Guess I'll just have to become beautiful on the inside.
MARGE: Which he didn't.
I ain't paying! Two of my shortbreads were broken! Hey, check it out! Lenny's hit a new low! I don't want my window washed! Too late! I don't want my squeegee wiped! I got what I needed.
That's it, boy.
Live one more day.
Good morning, class.
I'm your substitute teacher All right, who did that? (coughs) Fine.
We will not be reading Death in Venice today.
(collective groan) Someone's in a mood.
Barney? Hey, if we learned anything from The Full Monty, it's that in a tough economy, ugly people strip for money.
Do a lot of people pay? No, but I can also play three-card full Monty.
Follow the hats, where's the wiener? Follow the hats, where's the wiener? Now you see it, now you don't.
So, Bart, the little dickens, is going through that phase where young boys think their dad's an idiot.
Sounds like you are having family difficulties.
That's exactly what I'm having! You guys totally get me.
We are programmed to respond to your verbal prompts.
Could you give my wife a few lessons? (chuckles) Hmm.
Your laughter indicates you do not wish us to give your wife lessons.
(laughing): Yeah.
So, uh, it's 5:00.
Time for Moe's.
My watch says 3:00.
Let's go.
Automated workers are not able to leave the plant.
What happened to you guys? You used to be cool.
We are the same temperature we have always been.
(mocking) "We're the same temperature we've always been.
" Our programming restricts our movement to yellow guidance lines.
Hmm Play ball! (grunting) Okay, I'm up again.
According to the on-line rules of baseball, all players get a turn "at bat.
" Uh, right, right.
Uh, actually, I'm the designated hitter for all you guys.
The designated hitter corrupts the purity of an otherwise elegant game Illogical, illogical.
Don't get your circuits in a bunch.
Circuit-bunching has yielded important advances in modern robotics.
To wit Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Hey, Dad, can we play? We cannot take the inferior one.
My heart makes up for my shortcomings, like Rudy.
Rudy was only put in at the end of a meaningless game.
We will notify you if this game becomes meaningless.
I got it! I got it! I said I've got it! That could've been my motherboard lying in the street! Our primary directive is to preserve human life.
And here I was waiting till you slept to rob you of your copper.
You know, it's crazy but Homer, move away from me.
You are still in the road.
Hush, bionic prince, as I cradle your waning form.
Such a peaceful end.
(high-pitched electronic screams) Oh, geez! (horn honking) Get out of the road! (horn honks) Hey! (horn blares) (horn honks) You stupid jerk! (horn beeping) (man shouts angrily) (Lisa plays slow, melancholy blues melody) Axles to axles, rust to rust, amen.
Dearly beloved, we are not here to mourn their deactivation, but to celebrate their period of function.
Can I hollow out this one's head and use it as a turtle tank? No! I'm already using it to put my keys in.
Now, let me raise this beer to toast (shrieks) What the? Alcohol is harmful to humans.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, save your breath.
We have no breath.
We do vent nitrogen once a year.
You do not want to be around for that.
D'oh! I have some adjustments to make.
Homer when am I getting my power drill back? When I'm done with my robo-botomies.
Primary directive deactivated.
Our new primary directive becomes removing all impediments to the plant.
Uh, Homer, I'm afraid this is the part of God's perfect plan where you're murdered by robots.
Flanders, I don't judge a robot by the color of their eyes, I look at their hands which have turned into buzz saws.
(screams) Son of a! Why did you do that? (muttering) ROBOTS: Eliminate impediment.
Eliminate Just say "kill me," jerks! ROBOTS: Kill him.
Kill him.
Dad, they can only go three miles an hour! I'm doomed! Can they climb stairs? With great difficulty.
I'm doomed! (knocking on door) (panting) Robots trying to kill me.
And now they'll kill you, 'cause I led them here! Now see here! You are so not the human automatons I was looking for.
There's one thing man has that machines can never match: hounds! (snarling) (yelps) (all whining) Fine, slink away.
And guess what? All those times I said "you're a good boy," it was a lie! (growling, barking) No, stop! I'll give you the combination to the num-num safe! (growling) Flee, you fool! Aren't we getting num-nums? (shuddering) (dogs barking) Ah.
The solarium.
We'll be safely cornered in this glass room with one door.
(grunts) Stop brandishing me.
Before we die, can you tell me how old you really are? Well, it has four digits (crash) Unemployed Springfielders to the rescue! And underemployed.
To servos with love.
Guys, thank you.
The words "prime directive" get thrown around a lot these days, but I'm glad yours was saving me.
The saddest part is: none of this had to happen.
If Mr.
Burns had simply trusted the human worker.
Or if someone, anyone, had told me that robots were incapable of human feelings.
I told you precisely that fact 1,562 times (laughs) And his arm can be my back-scratcher.
(electricity buzzes, Homer screams) Well, I've learned the robotic worker is no match for the old-fashioned man of labor.
You're all hired back as temps.
(workers cheering) ROBOT: Homer, why have you reprogrammed me for this? I'm giving you your wish: to be a real boy.
I am real and I do not have wishes.
Then take us out to sea! I am not a transformer.
I cannot turn into an outboard motor.
Oh, I believe you, but Flanders' drill doesn't.
(imitates motor revving) Ah, this is the life.
(gentle intro playing) There's electric cars, there's electric trains Here comes a robot with electric brains Robot parade, robot parade Wave the flags that the robots made Robot parade, robot parade Robots obey what the children say.
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