The Simpsons s23e18 Episode Script

Beware My Cheating Bart

(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (tires screech) D'oh! (grunts) (grunts) (laughter) (shrieks) Hey, shut up! (grunts) (knocking) (cooing): Dada.
Okay, what's an appropriate movie for you boys? No.
No.
Ooh, here's one! Happy Little Elves Two: The Sequelf.
Two kids.
That movie's for babies.
Eh, watch whatever you want; I got you here alive.
(chuckles) Now I'm gonna visit the only court I could never be in contempt of: food court! (laughs) Now, to save on calories, I won't eat the paper in the fortune cookie.
(humming) (wheezing) (panting heavily) Sir, I can't help but noticing that you are very near death.
Closer than you think.
(humming) (grunting) Ow! Homer-- Can I call you Homer? Sure.
What's your name? Well, I'm not required to tell you that.
Homer, how long do you want to live? I heard Lenny had a terrible fall.
You know who else fell? Dr.
Hibbert.
Yeah, falls'll getcha.
Well, I want to help you make it to that glorious day.
For money.
This is the Butt-Whisperer 9000.
- Cushioned track - Ooh! hydration dock - Got to have that.
built-in HDTV - Loving it.
dog-walk side path - A must.
liability opt-out button - Keep 'em coming.
and drill sergeant mode.
(beep) Run, you maggot! Faster, you tub of lard! (gasps) It's programmed to my specifications! Oh, but I can't afford this.
Homer, you can't afford $300 a month? No.
Well, what about ten dollars a day? Easy! How was Crappy Little Elves? My friend and I only see it to rank on it.
Get that stuff off! Take a picture first.
Now! (laughter) We're gonna be checking out a delightful Hong Kong horror remake known as Crawlspace, based on Paxing kongjian.
Well, count me out, Jimbo.
I don't need to hear how every chick in the movie got what was coming to them.
Shauna, food for thought: if we don't watch movies about torture in crawl spaces, how will we know what to do if someone puts us in a torture crawl space? Not if, when.
Nah, I'm gonna go see one of those Jennifer Aniston movies where she rolls her eyes on the poster.
Mm.
Babe, you know I don't want you watching a movie by yourself.
You're a total perv magnet.
Aw! So, I'll find someone to take you.
Someone unthreatening.
Hey, you know our deal: chaperones cannot be humiliating.
She's got you there.
How 'bout this one? Simpson? Let's see.
No starter stache, temp tat, still has baby teeth at nine and 24.
Total pre-puber.
Now, you stay close to my Shauna.
If someone so much as peels a ladybug decal off her fake fingernails, I'm blaming you! Come on, come on.
The best murder's always first.
(dramatic music playing inside) MAN: Not my eyelids! ANISTON: (groans) Are you telling me the real reason you started dating me was so you could buy my flower shop? Yes.
Your lease was the last thing stopping me from tearing this place down and building the biggest horse crematorium in Manhattan.
But none of that matters now.
All right, we've seen his ass.
Let's go.
Hey, I can hook you up with pinto and black beans.
Oh, I'll do anything for free beans.
Anything.
Hey, Nametag.
Do you know who her boyfriend is? Jimbo Jones.
I got to go sort tortillas! Corn, flour, corn, corn, no gluten, corn.
Two stuck together?! Oh, now I got to fill out a form! Listen, lady, you do not two-time the man with the skull T-shirt.
(scoffs) Jimbo doesn't care about me.
He didn't even notice my side braid.
Oh, that is cool.
Looks like two snakes trying to kill each other on your head.
That's what I was going for.
You know, for a second grader, you're pretty sharp.
I'm actually in fourth grade, but I read at a second grade level.
They think I might have a problem.
Wow.
KEARNEY: Why did I see that movie the day before I have to clean the crawl space? Come on, boy! We've got to go home! I saved big bucks on the delivery charges.
(grunting) (muffled): D'oh! I got to go.
He's my ride.
Not so fast, Simpson.
FYI, you got another date tomorrow with Shauna.
(chuckles) Why can't you do it? We're going to a seminar: "Extracting Lunch Money from a Cashless Society.
" We're gonna rob the guy giving the seminar.
Bart and I'll figure out something.
Yeah.
(humming) (slurping) (sighs): Ah.
Doesn't get any better than this.
Huh? That's weird, my armpits are getting wet! Wow, the TV's hooked up to the Internet.
You can stream whole seasons of old TV shows.
Hmm.
Seen it.
Seen it.
Seen it.
British version was better.
Totally scripted.
Sued it.
Stranded? What's that? Stranded was a show about people marooned on a mysterious island that's riddled with religious and scientific paradoxes.
It was huge.
Well, the first season and the last season.
Well, islands are always entertaining, from Gilligan to Iwo Jima.
(dramatic music playing) (screams) A plane crash! Wait a minute.
That flashback raised more questions than it answered.
(grunting) Oh, my God.
Inside the coconut, my pet cat from when I was little.
And on his name tag is the number of our flight! Purr-gatory.
Where are we?! What a great opening episode! And I'm sure everything they said will pay off handsomely! (dramatic music playing) Hmm.
Ah! Huh? Let's go.
And don't look guilty.
(alarm beeping) Young lady, I need to check your purse.
I didn't steal nothing.
If anything happens to her, I'll beat you up from inside your brain.
(grunts) I stole this.
You stole perfume? Uh, yeah, me.
I use it all the time.
Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi You-you-you-you and I are taking a trip to mall jail.
Isn't that what used to be the Beanie Baby store? Shut up.
(explosion) This is so cool.
You took a fall for me.
No one's done anything for me before.
Uh-oh.
Don't worry.
I made sure he can't get too far.
(tire pops, hisses) I'd use my legs but I've forgotten how! Come with me.
Hey, the first time we lost Maggie was in this store! Bart, here's my thank-you gift.
What could a girl have that I Oh, my God! It's just like Dad's! Bart, you haven't touched your mashed potatoes.
More breast? What-- No! I'm offering you a chicken breast, you boob! Doesn't anyone here realize I'm only ten years old? Bart, no dinner means no dessert.
(gasps) I'm just not ready for cookies! You know, I should get back to the treadmill.
(chuckles) He exercises so much, but he looks the same.
I guess the weight will all come off at once, some day in the future.
Don't you believe anything Homer says.
His first word was a lie.
Who did this? Mommy.
She did?! Then I'm gonna withhold affection without telling her why.
(dramatic music playing) (groans) Huh? Don't believe anything you were told by me in the past, because that was not me.
But this is me now.
But in less than a second, I'll be gone forever.
(roaring) I might be back! (gasps) The lava being! That's why they showed a clip of it on "previously on.
" MARGE: Homer! You're using your expensive new treadmill just to watch a show that went off the air five years ago? And when I wanted to watch it with you then, you said it was pretentious and repetitive.
Marge, there're so many mysteries I need to have solved.
Now, if the Korean couple can't speak English, why were they doing a crossword puzzle where the answer to 23 down was "enigma" spelled backwards? What does it mean? It means use the treadmill for running or take it back! And where will I watch TV? On the TV! And where will I walk?! On the ground! - And where - This is the stupidest fight ever! We've had stupider! I don't think so.
(slurps) JIMBO: Hey, Fart-tholomew.
You did a sweet job watching my woman yesterday.
(both moaning) So, what do you want to do now? What any boy would: push you in a puddle and run away.
Maybe I should be faithful to Jimbo.
He's bought me a lot of gum over the past couple months.
Listen I could get wedgied for this, but Jimbo's a jerk.
You can do better.
Wow.
You told me what's best for me at risk to yourself.
Come with me.
(gulps) Shauna, I forgot to grope you goodbye.
(both moaning) At last! This episode promises to finally answer one question.
Whoo-ho-ho-ho MARGE: Homie! (shouts) The kids are away and Maggie's napping Ooh, that's great.
Can it wait another MARGE: Oh! (slams door) She walked away and slammed the door.
What does it mean? What does it mean?! MARGE: It means I'm mad! Oh, that's such a first-take answer! (Simon & Garfunkel's "April Come She Will" playing) April Come she will When streams are ripe and swelled with rain May she will stay This one's yours, Ralphie.
(siren wails) Resting in my arms again June She'll change your tune In restless walks, she'll prowl the night July she will fly And give no warning to her flight Simpson, I guess you don't have much respect for me.
Well, who wears a wool hat to a pool? (grunts) (laughing) It's not fair! You know that's hilarious! (grunts) (grunts) (whistle blows) No horseplay in the pool area.
This isn't play; this is some serious payback.
Well, that's, um All right, you may have found a loophole.
All right, I better check.
Hello, Abby? I'm not calling about the shift change! God! But, well, since you bring it up, if there's a way to flip Saturday with next Wednesday Simpson, prepare to Hey, no running on the deck! I'm on the grass apron! Huh? Ugh, everyone's a swimming pool lawyer.
Oh thank God, mom will pound them.
Why if it isn't Jimbo, Dorf and Ernie.
(all laughing) Bart's not home yet.
But I'm always looking to encourage non-Milhouse play dates.
Stick around.
(groans): Oh SHAUNA: Hey Bart! Oh, it's you.
Why do men always think with their tongue? I came to help you.
Then go back to Jimbo, and show him every boob you've got.
But you told me he was a jerk, and I that I could do better.
(groans): Oh All right.
Follow me to a place where nerds, dorks and dweebs can gather in safety.
This isn't, like, some creepy place under an off-ramp? Okay, we'll go to my second choice.
Now you be careful with Bart's undies.
We will, Mrs.
Simpson.
Think of this as your personal Asgard, and I, the all-seeing Heimdall, guardian of the gate.
All-seeing? Yeah, when's the last time you saw your feet? Oh, that's it! Fellow bullies, I've got them! We'll be right there.
You're a bully? A cyber bully.
Anything I do, it is important that I can lie down while doing it.
(phone chimes) Huh? You just got yourself in a flame war with a teenage girl.
Oh, flame on! Oh! Oh! You have cloven me from my ponytail to my slipper shoe! (sobs) Get out! And never return! Oh, unless you want to buy old Archie comics.
are a dollar.
Thank you all for coming to my Stranded discussion group.
Hey, I loved that show.
Wasn't it awesome when Colonel Darkwater (horn blares) Spoiler alert! I've only seen up to season three, episode 17: "Coconut Cream Die.
" So you don't know that season five was a complete wank? (blaring) Spoiler! Homer, calm down.
It's not like any of this stuff really took place.
(blaring) Spoiler! Homer, for God sakes, I'm trying to put Maggie to sleep.
(baby talk): I'm sorry, sweetie.
It's a Strandie discussion group.
Yes, it is! We discuss why airplane go crash-crash but people don't die-die.
You wanna know what happens on your stupid show? Firstly, the "mysterious island" is 15 miles from Long Beach.
Al, Doorway Three led to Hell despite the series creators' repeated insistence it did not lead to Hell, and the entire Strandiverse, is a piece of gravel in a cosmic kitty litter box! (gasps) Thanks, Marge.
You ruined my show.
Now, I'm going to give you a spoiler about our marriage: it's not great right now.
(gasping) Well, since this is a discussion group, let's discuss.
I think they're having a spat.
I'd say it's more of a tiff.
Oh, so I'm a moron, am I? Fellas, fellas, I know where this is going.
Give me all your weapons now.
(grunts) Now it's time to talk about what Carl wants.
Oh, man, they have every entrance covered.
You'd have to be a Navy SEAL to get in or out.
LISA: Hello, lovebirds.
Whoa! What are you doing here? I've been following your storyline from afar, Bart, waiting for that inevitable point where you get into trouble you couldn't get out of.
Perhaps I could broker a settlement.
Well, that's my boyfriend, but he's a wad.
And your brother's not a wad, he's a dink on the road to doofus.
Here, here.
Ow.
The lamb has returned to the slaughter.
Whoa, you should write that down, man.
I'll remember it.
I don't think Shauna should choose any of you.
Shauna should choose Shauna.
Your older sister's right, Bart.
You don't want me? I want to find out who I am.
And that's something only an inappropriately older man can tell me.
Well, that is one lucky creepy guy.
MARGE: Lisa, are you out there in your slippers? Come inside! Well, Bart, I guess that's our cue to skedaddle Not so fast, Simpson Uh, what was that thing I was gonna do to him? Told you you should've written it down.
If I wrote down everything you told me to write down, I'd have no time for punching.
Whoa, you should write that down, man.
Lousy Marge ruining the delicate relationship between a man and his TV show.
I'd tell my best friend, but that's Marge too.
MARGE: Homie, come in the bedroom.
(gasps) Care to join me in a private last episode party? Well It's okay, Dad.
He's just putting the fear of God in me.
Okay, but if this house starts a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.
Have a wonderful evening, sir.
(moaning, smooching) Purr-plexing, isn't it? HOMER: D'oh! Shh!