The Simpsons s23e19 Episode Script

A Totally Fun Thing That Bart Will Never Do Again

The Simpsons (stomping) (pacifier sucking) (alarm buzzing) (sighing): Monday.
Here we go again.
(Hot Chip's "And I Was A Boy From School" playing) And I was a boy from school Helplessly helping all the rules And there was a boy at school Hopelessly wrestling all his rules.
Sorry, kid, but there comes a day when that just doesn't do anything anymore.
ANNOUNCER: Stuck in a rut? Hmm ANNOUNCER: Ready for a change? (excited whooing) ANNOUNCER: We built heaven and made it float.
Royalty Cruises, one week away from the everyday.
Visuals and commercial, if anything, underplay the thrill of actual cruise experience.
(building): Want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want! Want!! (humming) BART: Mom, Dad do you know there's a boat out there where nothing sucks? It's called Royalty Cruises, and Royalty Cruise specialists are standing by now! (grunts) I'm sorry, sweetie.
Maybe we could afford a vacation if some big shot didn't pick up the tab for his buddies at Mr.
Steak.
Again with Mr.
Steak! Do you know why I go to Mr.
Steak? Because at Mr.
Steak, they don't get mad at me for ending a lot of money at Mr.
Steak! Well, of course they don't! Why don't you talk to Mrs.
Steak? There is no Mrs.
Steak! Who could stay married to such a man? Okay, maybe I can pay for the cruise.
Let's see how much it costs for a cabin on a low deck.
Face it, we're just kids.
We can't afford stuff with zeroes in the prices.
All we have in the world are the things our parents give us.
Hmm Bart! There's a really mean squirrel in the backyard.
I need you to dare me to fight him! (gasps) Huh?! Bart's been raptured! And his crap's been craptured! (grunts) Ah Why do you want a box of Bart's baby teeth? Doctor says I need more calcium, and I ain't "Tums Rich.
" (loud chewing) (groans) I sold all my stuff, and it's still not enough money for the cruise.
Just try to enjoy your dinner, sweetie.
I can't, I sold my "dinner futures.
" Nice doing business with you, boy.
(laughs) Homer! (groans) It's okay.
I don't have much of an appetite.
I'm going to floor.
(grunts) BART: Mom! Dad! I woke up and the money jar was full! That means the devil accepted my bargain.
Now, to uphold my end of the deal! Snowball II! No! We saw how much this cruise means to you, so we all sold something special.
And we made just enough for an economy cabin! I sold a couple of my rare jazz records.
After a while they all start to sound the same.
(chuckles) Still love the genre, of course.
Not even close to getting sick of it.
And I sold our good china.
Really?! But that's been in your family for generations.
Yeah actually, my mom stole it from a woman she cleaned for.
Took her years to get the whole set.
And Dad donated something, too.
What happened to my mini-pool table?! I was training to be a mini-pool hustler.
We sold it to pay for a family cruise.
I never even got to realize this jacket was too small.
It's weird to hear myself saying this, but I love you guys.
This is going to be the best vacation ever! Yeah, for you kids, maybe.
For dads, a family vacation is a "Are you wearing enough sun block?" "Is that splashing or drowning?" "Why does every sand castle require my participation?" Then a kid disappears, and it's total panic until you find him at the swim-up bar eating a 30-dollar cheeseburger, which he drops in the water! And here's the worst part: I never get any time alone with my wife because we're all sleeping in the same room! Look, that's our ship! (Concert For Harp & Strings in C - III by Francois Boieldieu) Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but your cruise is overbooked.
What? I can offer you a cabin on our sugar-free fitness cruise.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to eight days and seven nights of pushups and kale! (groaning) (groans) Well, well, Mr.
Never-Wrong was right again: Family vacations always suck.
I called it! Called it.
(grunts) Homer, this is bad for you, too.
(conga chant): Worth it to be ri-ght! Worth it to be ri-ght! (groans) Wait a minute, I can get you back on your original ship, but in a different cabin.
Upgrade! (all cheer) I'm sorry, there's been a mistake.
This isn't your cabin.
(Bart groans) Double upgrade! All right! (all cheer) (groans) I knew it.
It was all a dream.
No, honey.
You just passed out when you saw the private bedroom in our triple upgrade! I actually did it-- a perfect vacation.
You'll never guess how many bath towels they gave us enough! (squeals) Whoo And there's a DVD library of movies that haven't been released yet.
Whoa Whoa.
(chimes) Greetings, cruisers! I'm your cruise director, Rowan Priddis, and welcome aboard the Royalty Valhalla, where the only rule is "Always Have Fun!" Your every need will be catered to from our toddler's club to "Condolences," our award- winning luxury morgue.
Your enjoyment pays my salary, so in a sense, each of you is my boss and as my boss I'd like to ask you for a week of vacation.
A week I will spend here on this cruise, performing my normal duties as cruise director.
That's how much I love my job.
Bon voyage! Whoa, a "Fun Schedule"! There's so much to do: Laser-Tag, Waterslide Bobsled (gasps) Oh! Ice Cream Snowball Fight starts in five minutes! (Bart and Lisa laugh) Homie, we actually have the cabin all to ourselves.
(moans) Sex on a family vacation? I never thought such a thing was possible! (both moaning) Oh, ho (chuckles) And the ocean will do all of the work.
(both moaning) HOMER: Ocean sex rules! Go to hell, land sex! (Marge moans) (sighs) KidZone.
Let me guess: a broken foosball table and a game of Clue missing its candlestick.
Lisa Simpson? Our KidZone pre-screeners have placed you with our most sophisticated children-- "KidZone: Elite".
Help me study the effects of rising ocean acidity.
No, help me tag and release seabirds.
It's so diverse.
I've died and gone to a PBS Kids show! (blissful chuckle) Two?! (rapturous giggle) All right, Fun Schedule, you're about to get did! (shouting excitedly) (Ruslan And Ludmilla Overture by Michael Glinka playing) (song ends) (giggles) Two diplomats' sons are in love with me.
Who will I choose: Ghana or Portugal? Boy, thanks to you, we're having fun-- "before you were born" fun.
Where did the ship stop again? I don't know, a lot of barefoot kids kicking soccer balls, shell necklaces; they really hid the poverty nicely.
Anyplace is fun if you're there with "Super Lips.
" (both chuckle and moan) (chuckles) Your names I'm just glad everyone is having the best week of their lives.
(drum roll, rimshot) (microphone feedback squeal) Whenever we reach the halfway point of our voyage, I like to take a moment to reflect.
Hit it, Gary Ocean and the Motion! Enjoy it while you can Ice-sculptures, conga lines, and working on your tan Enjoy it while you're here One week of glitz and glam instead of pain and fear In just a few days' time, this boat pulls into dock And when it does, you lovely people may be in for a shock Here you've made exciting friends Back home, you'll all lose touch Here, Hawaiian shirts are cool Back home, well, not so much Back home, you'll be to tired for making magic in the sack So, eat buffet, and play and pray There's some delay on our way back Enjoy it while you can Here at sea, we drink and frolic Back home, that's called alcoholic Your future's up but parabolic Enjoy it while you can.
(cheering) Bravo! Yeah, all right! Oh, yeah! (gasps) (panting) The song's right.
No matter how much fun I cram into this cruise, it only lasts a week.
Then it's back to Mom and Dad fighting, Lisa moping, homework, bullies and a lunch bag sandwich soggy with the sweat of a juice box! After this cruise, for the rest of my life, it's all downhill.
(monitor beeping steadily) (sighs) Only good week of my life.
(monitor flatlines) Haw-haw! (monitor flatlines) Why can't vacation last forever? I've got to do something.
(gunshot) Sorry.
(people chattering) There's something I see that's even more beautiful than Ganymede, Lisa.
I Oh.
That's right, Io.
But no moon of Jupiter is as beautiful as you.
(sighs): Oh.
(both laugh) BOTH: Purple! (laughing) (moaning) (alarm wailing) (static crackles) This is General William Sullivan with an emergency message.
I'm speaking to you from a CDC clean zone.
Outbreak of the deadly Pandora virus is spreading rapidly.
precedented threat requires a worldwide quarantine.
All ships must remain at sea until further Humanity must endure.
(clamoring) MAN: A virus?! WOMAN: We're stuck on the ship?! MAN: What should we do?! (clamoring continues) They're buying it.
They're buying it.
"Chillingly plausible" indeed, Joe Morgenstern of The Wall Street Journal.
Now to make sure no one can call home to check, with a little help from the make-your-own-sundae bar.
Squirt, squirt.
Mmm.
(static crackles) (chuckles) Mmm.
(laughs) (clamoring) Our attempts to contact the mainland have met with nothing but static.
It appears we have no choice-- to avoid the virus, we must remain at sea indefinitely.
(clamoring, screaming) Oh, no! We're stuck here! BART: Woo-hoo! Vacation forever! ROWAN (over P.
A.
): Good morning, everyone! As we greet a sunny Day 12, After Virus.
While the world deals with their pandemic, we're having a "fundemic," under the capable hands of our Norwegian Captain Svalbard.
I always knew mankind's hubris would doom us all.
Ja, he spoke of it often.
Once we reach our exciting and hopefully virus-free destination, romantic Antarctica, our activities will include building shelter, hunting for food and starting civilization anew.
While supplies may be running a little low, not to worry, as today's delicious buffet features fresh seagull and hull-scraped barnacles.
In the Chuckles Comedy Club, we have Joey Scazzazone, with his no-longer-observational take on our pre-virus lives.
Hey, so what's the deal with how many Starbucks there used to be, huh? I don't know why that bothered me so much.
Hug your kids.
(feedback squeals) ROWAN: Need a break? Then don't check out the Sensations Luxury Spa, which is now the stronghold of charismatic cult leader Dave the Lifeguard.
Mankind was warned not to run near the pool! Mankind did not listen! The virus is his reward! CROWD: Ohm ohm So, remember, rule number one is "always have fun," because fun is the only thing that will keep us alive.
Fun! Worthless, worthless, worthless.
Hey, guys, can you believe how awesome this is? If it wasn't for this virus thing, we'd all be back at our old sucky lives.
Instead, you're here, where you can be lovey-dovey all the time.
Come on, kiss.
Kiss! Bart, we're too worried to enjoy each other's mouths.
Yeah, and the customer service on this cruise has really gone downhill.
Drop dead, fat-ass! Last week, that steward brought me extra shampoo.
He called me "lovely lady.
" Hey, Lis, at least you nerds are still geekin' it up.
What could be sweeter than a vacation that never ends? Sweet? Sweet?! The passengers on this ship could be the last people on earth.
Like monks during the Dark Ages, it's up to the KidZone: Elite to make a record of human culture.
This group is adapting children's classics for the stage to entertain generations of survivors.
Erik, we must work with the humans.
You are so naive, Charles.
We should rule them as conquerors.
Can't anybody enjoy their forever vacation? (grunts angrily) Check it out! The gallery was gonna throw these paintings overboard, like they were worthless garbage.
Bart, glad you're here.
We're all gonna watch a movie together.
Yeah, a movie! It is about time you guys started having some fun.
Humanity must endure.
General, it's worse than we thought.
The virus is getting bigger.
(roaring) (screaming) (gasps) Bart, how could you? Uh, got to go! Man, I kicked butt in the gladiator arena today.
I won the last package of hot dogs on the ship.
I got robbed by marauders on the way home.
There is no virus! Bart faked the whole thing with a DVD.
A direct-to-video DVD.
You stand accused of letting down your team during music trivia.
Your fun-ishment: eight hours in the penal conga line.
(gasps) (groaning rhythmically) Excuse me, Cruise Director Priddis.
My son has something to tell you.
Speak passenger, son of passenger.
It was all a hoax; there's no virus.
(crowd gasps) But the warning from the general! That was just Treat Williams in a virus movie.
You know, I thought that general looked familiar.
What? I'm in a lot of movies.
(Simpsons gasping, crowd grumbling) I take back everything I said to you that night in the dolphin lab.
(gasps) All that happened is we got a little extra vacation.
Is that so bad? MAN: I think I ate people meat! (groans) I know my son did a terrible thing.
But there's a chapel on this ship, and in that chapel there's a book, and it says, "Judge not, lest ye" (groans) After this, I'll be lucky to get work on a clothing-optional Jimmy Buffett cruise! What about the duty-free stuff we bought? "Never have fun!" My booze and cologne! (grunting worriedly) (humming) That's fair.
Sorry.
I deserve it.
Ow! That one really hurt.
Sorry, sweetie, I just needed to get that out of my system.
This stupid prank is the most selfish thing you've ever done! I wasn't being selfish.
I did it for you guys, too.
Lisa, you made friends with kids just like you.
Mom and Dad, you were more happy and in love than I ever saw you.
It was the best week of all of our lives, and I wanted it to last forever.
(Lisa and Marge aahing) Choke on my numb blue hands! (grunting angrily) Oh what the (groaning) LISA: Hey, up here! You got to see this! (gasps): Ooh! LISA: From egg to baby to grownup, we can see them living their entire penguin lives from up here.
(crackling) (chirping) BART: What a load of crap.
They spend all their time trying to raise a baby, and why? So it can grow up and do the same dumb thing, on and on forever.
The penguin's life isn't all bad.
Those ones are having a blast.
But the slide's just like our cruise: a short awesome thing that just shows you how boring the rest of your life is.
Well, sure, life is full of pain and drudgery, but the trick is to enjoy the few perfect experiences we're given in the moment.
Yeah, stupid.
Stop thinking about fun and have it! ("Winter's Love" by Animal Collective playing) Whoa whoa! (laughing) Hey, wait for me! (all laughing) What a great ride.
Shh!