The Simpsons s24e02 Episode Script

Treehouse of Horror XXIII

(screeches, whistles) (shouting gibberish) According to our Mayan calendar, the world will be destroyed at the end of the 13th baktun.
Unless we appease the gods' anger with a human sacrifice.
Don't worry.
We got a guy here we really been fattening up.
Is it you? Not me.
That guy.
More cricket fajitas! Oh, my brave, brave glutton.
I'll be so lonely when they sacrifice you to the gods.
(loud spit) What?! No one said anything about a sacrifice! Although I I did kind of space out during orientation.
All right already, let's get this done while our doomed civilization is still flourishing here.
Any words of comfort? Oh, yeah, sure.
Even though you know it's coming, when you see your own beating heart, try to act surprised, huh? It's some kid's first time.
Fear not, my beloved blood offering.
(quietly): I have a plan.
Tell me, High Priest, are you interested in women? What priest isn't? Before we make love, would you mind putting a sack over your head? Is there any other way? (chuckles) Nice and tight.
Now enter the Room of Pleasure, Ooh.
and I shall join you shortly.
Now, uh, I got to warn you.
I'm into rough stuff.
Ooh, that's a good start, but, you know, make it hurt.
(sword whooshes) Heh.
Ooh! That whooshing sound is really turning me Oh! Uh.
Oh, yeah.
(grunting) (groans) Quetzal H.
Coatl! We sacrificed the wrong person! Now the earth will be destroyed after the 13th baktun.
(shouting): Can you explain that in simple Ancient Mayan?! Of course.
There's no need to shout and scream.
Let's see, uh, converting to base 10, assuming for the birth of Jesus, invent and then carry the leap year, and the world will end in 2012! (relieved sighs) And it will be Obama's fault! (dramatic theme plays) Hey, uh, Marge, I'm setting my watch.
What baktun is it? Oh! (doorbell rings) Oh! What have we here? Ow! What the hell! (explosion) (Homer screaming and crying) Ow! Ow! (letters thudding softly) (yelling) QUIMBY: Welcome to the grand opening of our whatchamacallit, which, thanks to the lobbying of Lisa Simpson, we built instead of a new baseball stadium.
At least the pennant works both ways.
Professor Frink will now throw a switch, which will either answer certain obscure questions of subatomic physics or destroy the universe.
(electrical humming) (man coughs) Oh, my God particle! What is it, Professor? You can tell your grandchildren you were here when humanity finally learned that this accelerator is much too small to tell us anything important.
(crowd groans) Thanks a lot, Liser! That money could've been used for a war! (whirring) (whirring growing more high-pitched) (crashing) (crackling) (black hole slurping) (snores) (gasping) Aah! No one takes Willie's mop! (gasping) Take the mop! Take the mop! (sobbing) Huh? (slurping) (gasps) A mini black hole! (slurps) Whee! Oh, no! I got to take it away before more clueless kids fall into it.
Geronimo! Wha! (whooshing) I's rich! (slurping) I's poor and shack-less.
(slurping, objects clattering) (grunting) HOMER: Lisa, do you have a stray dog down there? Um, it's a lot worse than a stray dog.
Two stray dogs?! It's a black hole! That was gonna be my next guess.
Are you sure your next guess wasn't three stray dogs? Maybe.
HOMER: A black hole?! (hushed): I'm sorry, can we call it that? Yes.
It's the preferred term.
And most scientists believe that what enters a black hole never comes out.
But some think they may be a gateway to other universes.
Hey! Could it open a pretzel bag for me? Help a brother out, B.
Whoo-hoo! D'oh! Guys! Stop throwing things in the hole! The more you throw in, the bigger and more dangerous it becomes! Come on.
You can't look at that infinitely dense little guy and not want to feed it something.
Dad, don't pat it! Why shouldn't (screams) (chuckles) Why you little (grunting) (quiet choking) (gasps) I'm nature's perfect choking machine! (loud grunt) Okay, that's it! I'm putting a baby gate across the black hole.
And don't throw anything more into it! (groans) Yes, Homer? Dad, that's creepy.
("Gone Gone Gone" plays) I know we shouldn't feed this, but grease brings raccoons.
Gone, gone, gone Really gone Gone, gone, gone 'Cause you done me wrong Done me wrong Ah, ah Huh? Oh-oh! (slurping) (clattering) Quit bageling my English muffins! The black hole is looking a lot bigger.
Does anybody want to admit to throwing things in? No.
Not me.
Do we even still have that thing? And I have to ask, has anyone seen the cat? (whimpers) (excited chattering outside) Now what? Okay, it's possible someone may have started a business called Magic Craphole Waste Removal, but it wasn't me.
Ew! (Homer chuckling) (deep rumbling, whooshing) (pop) Yar! (pop) Yar, ar.
Stop! This is a black hole, not a lawn-and-leaf bag! If one more thing gets in there, it could reach critical mass.
I did it! I hit my first home run! LISA: No! (people screaming) I'm still proud of you, buddy.
And look! I got money to take you for pizza! You saw that I had the money, right? (grunting) (gunshot) (chuckling) (yelling) (grunting) (screaming) (thud, suckling) (debris clattering) (suckling) (all yelling) (gasping) (grunting) Welcome, trans- dimensional visitors.
We have received your many gifts with gratitude.
NELSON: Haw-haw! We have built our society around the treasures you have sent.
Our most popular magazine is your Presidents' Day Mattress Blowout insert.
Oufarite food is your banana peel.
(slurps) And we listen to all our music on the most wonderful device ever created, the Zune.
(chanting): Zune, Zune, Zune.
Treasures? Gifts? You've got it all wrong.
That stuff is just our old Wonderful stuff.
Enjoy it.
(dramatic theme plays) Day 1: We bought this camera because strange things have been going on at our house in the dead of night.
And if anyone finds this footage after we're all missing or dead, remember me as a hero.
Dad, you forgot to pick me up after Little League.
You tossed your car keys in my bean plant.
A hero! FLANDERS: Homer, is that my camera? Hero, away! Night 1.
Want to snuggle? (smooching) Not with the camera on.
Uh, I turned it off.
Looks like the red light's on.
I swear I am not filming! (whispering loudly): Note to self-- edit out my lies.
Oh! (tape fast-forwarding) (door creaks) (door creaks) (loud thumping) (tape fast-forwarding) (loud thud downstairs) (whimpering) (both yelp) Wait! Don't kill the monster without me! (Marge screams) HOMER: I'm right behind you, honey! We have stairs? (thumping) Ow! D'oh! Aah! D'oh! (continues grunting, thumping) What the? Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh! (continues grunting, thumping) (flames crackling) HOMER: What the? (gasping breaths) Why is this happening to us?! I don't know, I don't know! I'm sure I don't know! HOMER: Oh, sweetie.
Sometimes a mysterious, invisible being from Hell waits for a family to go to sleep then kills them.
Now, go to bed.
But Uh-uh.
School night.
Now, you're sure I bought enough cameras and extended warranties to catch that ghost? Sir, whatever happens in this house, these cameras will pick it up.
Ooh, I can't wait for tonight's massacre.
(tape fast-forwarding) Hey, Marge.
(low grunt): Mmm Oh.
Like what you see, huh? (low grunt): Mmm I like it when you don't say words.
Come here, you.
Mmm (chuckles) Mmm (singing a melody) (tape fast-forwarding) (continues singing melody) (tape fast-forwarding) (continues singing melody) Eh, eh.
Yeah, that's hellfire, all right.
Someone in this family has made a deal with the devil, and now the devil wants his due.
Now, remember, this creature feeds on your fear (cuckoo clock chimes) What the hell was that?! (sobbing loudly) Actually, he feeds on more than just fear.
(door creaks) (wind whistling) Give back my baby! DEMON: We had a deal! Mom, what's going on?! DEMON: Don't act so surprised, Marge.
You knew this day was coming! Let's see what we're dealing with here.
(grunts) It's Moe with wings! Moe Szyslak? Come on, he's much more hideous and evil than me! (all agreeing) (crying): I brought this on us all.
It began when I was a girl (deep grunting) (in unison): Hail Satan.
What are you doing? Trying to summon the devil.
Why? Nothing good on TV.
We have no boyfriends.
We're bored.
Something to do.
Hail Satan, the Minister of Sinister, Rude Dude with a Bad 'Tude.
(Selma and Patty grunting, choking) (gasps) Save us, Marge.
We'll never make fun of any man you date or marry.
Uh, Mr.
Demon? Mmm? Could you come back for my sisters later? (Selma and Patty grunting) Very well.
You have 30 years.
But when I return, Marge, I shall take your favorite child.
I thought I was the favorite! Not the favorite! Not the favorite! Listen, pal, you seem like an honest guy.
Is there any other deal that you can accept? Three-way.
You, me and Marge? Mmm, demon, demon, you.
(heavy sigh) I guess it's one of those things a dad has to do.
Now, before we start, what's the safe word? Cinnamon.
Ooh, I like that.
Now, I'd like to try something new, if you don't mind.
(laughs) Cinnamon.
Cinnamon! Cinnamon! You know, it's really not fair.
You're charging 200 bucks for a comic that says 25 cents on the cover.
The only way to buy that comic book for 25 cents is to go back to 1974.
That's impossible! Mmm? (quietly): Or is it? (zapping) Wow, it worked! My time machine has worked! This is the most fantastically powerful invention in mankind's history! Here, kid, hold my keys while I grab some lunch.
(humming) (whirring) (zapping) I won't be needing this! (zapping) Now to get my comic book and explore a world where no one's mad at George Lucas.
(humming happily) Eh, pretty good.
A little preachy.
MAN: Well, well, well, if it isn't Homer Simpson and Barney Gumble.
Hmm? Allow me, gentlemen.
It's Homer! Before his boobs came in! (Homer whistling) Hey, Homer.
Who are you? I'm your unwanted son from the future who killed all your fun! Why, you little (grunting) Excuse me.
Is this room 106? (instrumental version of "Close to You" playing) (choking) Let go of him! What kind of jerk strangles a little boy?! Would you go to the prom with me? Promenade? With you? Forget it, bub! (grunts) It was love at first sight, and you ruined it! It was not love at first sight! What do you know? I know who I'm in love with! You're looking at him.
You're an idiot.
You're the idiot! (gasps) Don't act like I'm the first person that ever said that.
You are the first person who ever said that! Shut up and go to the prom with me! Ay, caramba! If you guys don't get together, what does that mean for me in the future? (gasps) I don't exist?! Or my life might be a hell of a lot better! Ma'am, whatever you do, do not marry that ape.
Whatever you say, little boy.
(laughing) (growling) Come here! Now, to return to a future where I'm either rich or allowed to stand in front of a rich guy's house.
Either way, better than now.
(whirring) (tires screeching, zapping) (Bart laughing) Stupid kid steals my future.
Well, I'm going to (gasps): Ice cream with cookie dough?! Unnecessarily big TVs! Thursday Night Football? And the globe feels so warm! I am in awe of the future.
(Wiggum snoring, muttering) Okay, that's not so great.
Here's your smoothie, sweetheart.
Why would I suck smoothie when I can suck face with you, Mrs.
Artie Ziff? (both moaning) My dad is Artie Ziff? Indeed! Which makes you Barty Ziff.
Oy, caramba! Achem! Good morning, beloved son.
Enjoy your luxurious life, including your own bully butler.
Will that be haw-haw, sir? Give yourself a wedgie.
Excellent choice.
(grunts) I've met some jive turkeys in the '70s, but that turkey's the jivest.
Hey, you! This is my peeping tree.
Young me? What brings you to the present? I traveled through space and time to make Marge settle for me because she doesn't know better.
Well, if we put our heads together, we could think of a plan! I got to ask, what happened? Was I in a forest fire or something? No (whip cracking) I love my life, I love it not.
I love my life, I love it not.
You're just like Indiana Jones, son.
A role played by Richard Dreyfuss in our universe.
(doorbell rings) I'm here to take my life back! I thought this might happen, so I mastered Brazilian jujitsu.
Crawl atop me, and meet your doom! Not so fast.
Say hello to the United Federation of Homers Through History.
(Italian accent): Crush them in the name of Jebus! Okay, guys, let's regroup.
We'll come back with more Homers and start fresh in the morning.
(yelps) ("Close to You" plays) (unimpressed): Oh, what's she doing here? I'll tell you what I'm doing.
I'm realizing that I married the wrong man.
Oh, you poor, sweet, simple Homers.
I was supposed to be with all of you! (grunting gibberish) Even you, Caveman Homer.
That's Renaissance Homer.
Well, cardinal or cannibal, I wish that 20 years ago, I had chosen love.
Mmm Let me get this straight.
None of you had time to take out the garbage? Make Egyptian Slave Homer do it.
It's always me.
(laughing in unison) (screams) (eerie organ music plays) (aah!)
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