The Simpsons s24e03 Episode Script

Adventures in Baby-Getting

Oh, man, not another election.
Why do we have to choose our leaders? Isn't that what we have the Supreme Court for? (humming) If you're gonna vote, we'll need some photo I.
D.
But I lived here all my life.
Stopping all Americans from voting is for the protection of all Americans.
But I'm a 40-year-old white guy who didn't go to college and gets all his news from monitors at gas stations.
In you go.
Barack Obama? I don't know.
I already got one wife telling me to eat healthy.
Plus he promised me death panels, and Grandpa's still alive.
Mitt Romney? I hear he wears magic underpants.
I expect the leader of the free world to go commando.
Plus his horse totally choked at the Olympics.
On the other hand, he did invent Obamacare.
COMPUTER VOICE: Thank you for voting for Mitt Romney.
You may now see his tax returns.
Wow.
Medical deduction for personality implant? He's got six wives all named Ann.
The government paid him taxes for five years! I've got to tell the press! (gasping) COMPUTER VOICE: You are now being outsourced.
Oh, I hate being sucked into tubes! (grunts) Well, at least I got a steady job.
D'oh! Oh! (humming) (bubbling) Hummingbirds, hum and get it! (chuckles) (chirps) (yowls) (chirps) Homie, the faucet is dripping.
I'll get right on it.
Homer, when are you going to fix this faucet? I'm on it! Are you going to fix the faucet or not? For the third time this year, yes! Hmpf! "I'll get to it, Marge.
I'll get to it" When we first got married, he'd only take six months to do things.
Mom, how come you didn't do my homework last night? (all gasp) (all scream) Oh, no! Lisa's face, it's the same! (chuckles) Everyone, relax.
I think I've got an emergency sinkhole kit in here somewhere.
(grunts) (grunts) Ooh! (air his Oh, man, I got to climb stairs? Forget it.
No one stays in the sinkhole! Lousy surface dwellers.
So, what seems to be the problem? Springfielders are getting that sinking feeling (chuckles) as the dangerous sinkhole continues to expand.
While this sinkhole is larger than the Sarlacc pit which swallowed Boba Fett, it is smaller than the Geonosis battlerena where Jango Fett was beheaded by Mace Windu.
Weren't those two places about the same size? I didn't know this was an ambush! Eh, you know, in this town, you learn to adjust to things: runaway monorails, NASCAR star Jeff Gordon.
Hey, Moe.
Hey.
Bet we never see him again.
I'm gonna call it a day, Moe.
(humming) (gasping) Hey, hey, hey, hey! That plank's only for coming in! (gasping, screams) Try to land on the other traitors.
(men grunt) People of Springfield, please be cool like Lou.
Yo.
We will eliminate one eyesore with another by bulldozing our tire fire right into the sinkhole.
But my car's down there! For the first time, my administration has solved a problem.
The hole has been filled by the thing it fears most: stuff! (gasps) (crowd cheering, camera shutters clicking) (groans) (bell rings) (kids laughing) So, just when my dad finishes his online degree in Sinkhole Engineering, they go and fill it in! Are the credits transferable? No.
That guy has a bone to pick with the Board of Regents.
Hey, Lisa's not getting on the bus.
Where's she going? I don't know.
Dork farm? Who cares? She never doesn't do what she's supposed to! This is major! Fine.
We'll follow her.
Well, if they're not taking the bus, neither am I.
I'm going to a accident! Lisa's taking a cab? I'm worried.
Does she even know how much to tip? (tires squeal) What's it say? "The five boxing wizards jump quickly.
" Whoa.
My sister's finally become mildly interesting.
Sounds like a case for the "Detecti-pals.
" Taxi! (horn blares) Ah, they never stop for blue-heads.
Hello, ma'am.
Are you and your husband here to look for a new car? No, I'm here to buy one myself.
Uh-huh.
Well, I think the Tissan Sensibla is the car for you.
It's got all the features that a modern woman wants, including all manner of makeup mirrors.
This car looks a little small.
Is the engine powerful? Wow, somebody knows her cars.
This baby comes with an RX-12 2-cylinder.
Well, that's odd, because the consumer Web site says the RX-12 2-cylinder has a dealer's invoice of $14,700.
(chuckles) You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna talk to my manager.
This says you are the manager.
Those Web sites are taking food out of my children's mouths.
It says on your Facebook page you have no kids.
I have two Yorkies, and I'll be talking about you to them tonight! I got to hand it to you, Marge.
You got the exact amount of car for our family.
Room for two adults, three kids and zero grandpas.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-oh! Do you hear that rattle? I don't hear anything.
Me, neither.
(sniffs) And what's that smell? I think it's "new car smell.
" Well, I don't like it.
(tires screech) (humming) (humming continues) (kids cough and groan) I still smell it! (starter chugging) Darn car won't start.
Let Automobile Von Bismarck give it a try.
(engine starts) Well Hmm.
Well, it wouldn't start for me.
(hushed): I think this car's a lemon! (groans) Worst car ever! I can't believe it! Hmm (groans) MARGE: The wipers wipe backwards, and the defroster lines on the back window are too close together! Excuse me! Sir, the car is fine.
Can I be straight with you? Mm-hmm.
As a mechanic, I'm not totally qualified to judge mental health So, you're not totally unqualified.
I think the problem is in your wife's head.
Mm-hmm.
There's a psychological reason why she hates this car.
Oh, a reason? What could it be? I'm sorry, but there's no diagnostic computer for the female mind.
Wow, an auto mechanic who tells the truth.
Mmm! If you want me to examine your wife overnight, I can arrange a loaner.
She's an '83 Yugo.
(Yugoslavian accent): I don't do laundry or kiss boo-boos! Uh, no, thanks.
Marge.
Mm-hmm? Do you think maybe there's another reason you don't like this car? Um, a "feelings" reason? What are you talking about? Well, maybe you and the car got off on the wrong foot.
When do you think things first went wrong? All right! I remember we all got in.
And by the way, that backseat is pretty tight for the kids.
I mean, I don't know what we'd do if we had another baby.
(gasps) With this car, we're basically saying no more babies.
No, no, Marge.
I want you to explore your feelings.
Homer, the reason I hate this car is I think I want another baby.
An "on purpose" baby?! I do! Oh, I really wish I had fixed that faucet.
Homie, I want another baby.
What about, you know, "Stinky"? Maggie's not a baby! Her soft spot's been skulled over for the last three months! Being a mom is who I am, and I'm not done being who I am.
Okay, Homer, don't speak.
If you must make a sound, whistle.
When your wife looks at you full of hope, with an idea that would destroy life as we know it just smile, nod and stall, stall, stall until she changes her mind.
Whatever you want, sweetie.
Well, take a shower, 'cause we're gonna try it tonight! All right! "Try it" means sex.
Whoo-hoo! Homer, why do you take a three-second pause before you answer what I say? Just appreciating how lucky I am to be with you.
What a wonderful thought.
(Homer, Marge laughing) Boxing wizards.
Boxing wizards.
What's she up to? Let's settle this like adults.
Wands down! Maybe I should go on antipsychotic meds.
Bart! What are you doing in my room?! Lowering your blinds.
I'd hate for your carpet to fade.
What are you doing Tuesdays and Thursdays after school? What do you do Tuesdays and Thursdays after school? Write stupid stuff on the chalkboard.
And if you have any ideas, I'm really running out.
Today's was "mousetraps are not slippers" or something.
Now, what are you up to? A gentleman doesn't ask, and a lady doesn't tell.
Can I use that on the chalkboard? I guess.
Gentleman doesn't ask, lady doesn't tell.
Now all I need is one for Martin Luther King Day.
My husband and I have been snuggling six ways from Sunday And let me tell you, a towel rack will not support your weight.
But we aren't making a baby.
I thought we should check to make sure Homer has you know, working stuntmen in his cannon.
You were wise to check, Marge.
What do you mean? (chuckles) Take a look at this.
HOMER: Ooh X's for eyes.
I guess that's that, then.
Honey, I am so sorry.
I guess we'll just have to learn to love the three children we have.
Oh BART: Lisa's going somewhere after school two days a week, and all we have are boxing wizards.
If we're gonna find out what Lisa's up to, I'll need the help of all her old boyfriends.
Guess we've all carried the same books, huh, guys? (scoffing): She carried mine.
This just became a tree house of horrors.
Whoa! (thud) MILHOUSE: It's okay! I landed on a mattress! Whatever it is, she's in over her head.
Way over.
We got to save that poor girl.
Uh anyone know how we get home? We got bigger problems.
It's Father Mike! Tura lura lural (gasping) I can't believe we're never going to have another child.
Is everything okay over here? Sorry, guys.
Private family moment.
No, it's okay.
We can share this with you.
Homer can't make a baby because he nuked his swimmers.
Aw, that's a shame.
Yeah.
That's why I wrap my plums in tinfoil every day.
Eh, nothing we can do.
Hey, Homer what if you got back one of those samples you sold years ago at the Shelbyville Sperm Bank? You never told me about that.
It's true.
That's how I got the money to buy you your necklace.
Aw Ew.
Homie! We still have a chance! Okay, Homer.
This is the moment of truth.
You've got to tell Marge you really don't want another kid.
I, uh hope it's twins! Eh, how bad could it be? (shrieks) Now, I'm thinking Alex if it's a girl and Xander if it's a boy.
Uh-oh.
She picked names.
Who puts this much thought into having a baby? Stall, stall, stall! Hey, uh Hmm Why don't we take the longer but nicer historic route? Then today will be nothing but beautiful memories.
Okay.
HOMER: Watch it! Ooh, a Christmas ornament museum! Can we stop? Okay, but just for a minute.
We want to hit the candle store, Fudgerama, the Zipper Hall of Fame, Snow Globe World and the Taj Meatball.
I think that Shiva used to be Paul Bunyan.
What's Detention doing here? I need to know what's up with Lisa.
If her grades drop, we're not technically a school; we're a tornado shelter with voting booths.
Nothing exceptional here.
Except blue reinforcements.
Only one person I've ever known uses these: my predecessor, Principal Meredith Milgram.
(gasps) Follow me, but be warned: There's no permission slip for what we're doing.
WOMAN: A quick movement of the enemy will jeopardize six gunboats.
That's about three more jeopardized gunboats than I'd expect.
Thank God we brought the bus driver.
Huh? Seymour, what are you doing here? Taking four children across town to investigate a piece of paper we found on the ground.
Don't you have better things to do? Sadly, no.
Same old Seymour.
I know why they're here.
Because they can't let me have a secret.
It drives them crazy.
LISA: Cursive writing.
I'm learning cursive.
All these sentences have every letter of the alphabet in them.
Ooh, don't they teach those fancy squiggles at school? Uh, we do not.
Outmoded, no room in the budget, and all the teachers forgot how to make a capital "Q.
" Two loops and a flourish.
Luckily, a few brave students still want to learn.
I hope you're happy.
You all just wasted your time working your way into an afterschool class.
(horrified cries) What fun! (bell jangles) I can't believe we spent the whole day here.
(chuckles) And I got to try every flavor of candy cane: white and red.
Well, maybe we should check into a motel.
(kissing noises) MARGE: Ooh, Homie, you've lost weight.
HOMER: What's that, baby? Wha? I'll take it from here, wingman.
(chuckling) Oh, it sure was nice to have a day together as a couple.
Yeah, no kids to ruin it.
I thought the whole point of this trip was to have another baby.
Marge, I was just being a good husband by pretending to agree with you while secretly undermining your agenda.
So, you don't want another baby? How long have you felt this way? Uh, well, looking back, I guess it started sometime before Bart was born.
(whimpers) Room for one, please.
(squeaking noise) Honey, I'm sorry.
It's just that we have a hard enough time handling three kids.
Emotionally, financially, the boy I just didn't know how to tell you.
Just yell across the house like you do everything else.
Okay, good, we're talking.
We're not talking! Your phone just dialed me.
You were pocket-dialed! Hey, the pocket wants what it wants.
Oh They just leave the maple syrup on the table, huh? How about that? That's trust, huh? Shush! MAN: Now, kids, help your brother Xander.
There he is.
The fat, pathetic slob I'd be with four kids.
Where's Daddy? Where'd Daddy go? Here he is! (laughing) Oh, right.
That dad was there all along.
Whew! That was so sweet.
Maybe there's no such thing as too many kids.
MARGE: I know what Homer's thinking.
He's thinking that he really wants a baby now.
So this should be the time, ironically, that I'll change my mind and not want one.
Well, no way! I want one more than ever! (grunts) Uh-oh.
I I don't think I rewound the video the last time I was here.
Um, I'd like to get back a donation made 15 years ago by a Simpson, Homer.
Or it may be under the name Thad Supersperm.
Homer Homer, this is the point where I really have to know what you want.
I'll tell you what I want, Marge.
I want to make another Simpson.
The table with four legs is sturdier than the table with three.
Cubes are made of cheese, but pyramids are schemes.
And anything that's half you is guaranteed 50% perfect.
Oh Nice speech, but the last of your sample was just selected by another couple.
Are you sure there isn't more? I mean, there's always a little ketchup left in the bottle.
I'm afraid not.
But the couple is waiting in the room there.
Maybe you can talk them into something else.
(Homer clears throat) Aah! Oh! I'd like to buy back my sample.
Are you saying our sample came from you? Here, it's yours.
We don't need it.
Well, I expected a little argument.
No, no, no, look in the mirror-- that's your argument.
Geez.
I mean, I'm no Luis Guzman, but I'm all right.
(Marge gasps) Homer? How many samples did you sell? Uh remember that Corvette I had? I thought they only paid $50 a trip.
Exactly.
Well, we're all set.
Let's make a Thad Supersperm Jr.
With a name like that, he could be president.
Homie, maybe we should wait.
Wha? Maybe there's enough Homer in the world for now.
Oh.
But I was really looking forward to Oh oh, boy.
Uh You're right, Marge.
I don't want to bring more kids into a world full of my kids.
Yah! Two adults, please.
Enjoy the film, you two.
(laughing) Another thing that would be harder with four kids.
You know, I always send the theater manager a check the next day.
D'oh! ALL: D'oh!