The Simpsons s24e09 Episode Script

Homer Goes to Prep School

(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (humming) Learn Zone? Mom, you said we were going someplace fun.
Yeah, Mom, you promised! Homer, I told you, don't call me "Mom.
" Sorry, Mrs.
Simpson.
(groans) (laughter) (excited vocalizing) (whirring, children cheering) Ooh! This isn't a learn zone.
Darn it, it's a fun place! Yay! (whoops) Yay! (laughter) For maximum safety, all children must wear anti-kidnapping bracelets.
(laughs) Is this a kid you'd pay ransom for? Dad, what would you do if you got my ear in the mail? I don't know.
Feed it to the dog? You'd have to wrap cheese around it.
Don't you tell me how to feed you to the dog! (laughter) (snoring) (whooping and laughter) Whoa! (screaming) Where do they go? Whoa! FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Mormon Church, America's most respectable cult.
(whooping and laughing) Keep an eye on the kids, Homer.
Can I keep an eye on that kid? He's fabulous.
Bart and Lisa.
Oh! It's always my kids.
Yay! (laughing) Where'd they go? Oh.
Hmm.
Almost.
Holy moley.
What the?! Oh, it's hopeless! What's hopeless? Who the hell are you? (laughter and cheering) Dad, come up, come up! Pretty, pretty please! Absolutely not! My adult frame is simply too large.
Come on, Dad! No! Never! Come on, Dad! Fine.
Here I come.
(grunting) Crawling.
So painful.
(grunting) Duck walk.
Infinitely worse.
Ooh! (grunting) (panting) Only wanted to be fun.
Shh, shh, shh.
Soon you'll know peace.
(panting) I made it, kids! I am king of Learnington Castle! (laughing) We tricked you.
Eat Nerf, Homeboy! Real mature! (grunts) Yay! (laughing) Ralphie! (Homer grunting) Huh? Hmm.
What cool kid thing's in here? No kids.
That's what's cool.
(humming) I have a phone.
It's very tiny.
Ain't no shame in being poor, boy.
What's pitiful is if you is ignorant.
Is these mice pillows here for the taking? I hate working here.
At least at Krustyburger, you could burn yourself and go home.
(siren blaring) MALE VOICE: Unauthorized child departure.
Lockdown mode initiated.
(gasping) (yelling) Another stupid kid got out.
I can't tell the manager.
I am the manager.
Duh! We're locked in! (whirring) These lasers are nothing more than colored lights! Calm down, everyone.
Calm down.
I'm sure they'll have us out of here soon.
Until then, why don't we bond by sharing our childbirth experiences.
The nurses were so great.
My husband held my hand the whole time.
See? All you need to get through a crisis is a little friendly conversation.
Bet you the dads are doing the same thing.
(clamoring) The sneeze guard is broken! There is no law! Oh, I just came here to pick up my daughter.
But now I'm gonna kill you all! (laughing maniacally) Don't forget your jacket, sweetie.
(laughing maniacally) Get out of there, you! Never! (screaming) Mmm.
Butter.
(clamoring) (humming) Round and round.
Round and round.
Freedom! (grunts) MAN: Let's get out of here! Come on! (loud chatter) (hooting) Apes.
Deep down, we're all savage apes.
Leave your body, Homer.
What the hell was that? (barking) You've been through a traumatic experience.
Are you sure you want to go to work today? Well, I've taken eight months off.
It's time to get back on the horse.
(baby cooing) (chittering) Ho, ho, ho.
(electrical buzzing) Ho, ho, ho.
Hey, neighbor, your welcome mat's looking a little dusty.
Mind if I come over and sweeten your greetin'.
Sweeten your greetin'! BOTH: Sweeten your greetin'.
ALL: Three Neds are better than one! (shrieks) (panting) (grunting) I hate to be a nag, but this is my real head.
(loud grunt) I guess, despite all our so-called civilization, anarchy lurks around every corner, like a racially-diverse street gang on a network cop show.
My friend, you just experienced W.
R.
O.
L.
firsthand.
Hey, hey, read the sign, pal, no acronyms.
You see? And that goes for the rest of youse, too! Okay, okay.
Hey, in this bar, we say "Old Kinderhook!" What's W.
R.
O.
L.
? It means "Without the Rule of Law.
" Anarchy.
The end of civilization.
Coming soon to an America near you.
America can't collapse! We're as powerful as ancient Rome! Ah, take a look at this.
NARRATOR: The modern world-- an inexorable march of progress.
Sweet.
Or is it? (screams) We're slaves to the system.
Close the supermarket, and we starve.
Cut off the tap, we drink our cat's blood.
(dramatic music playing) NARRATOR: Who will survive in this new world? The man who is prepared.
(upbeat tune plays) Oh, my God! This unsourced, undated video has convinced me beyond any doubt! And I'm the guy you want to know when the stuff hits the fan.
Hey, man, no need to almost swear.
Come with me.
Well, Homer's gone.
Let's all go into our suspended state till he gets back.
Homer, meet the Springfield Preppers.
Preppies? Oh, I hate you guys! Always partying on deck with your Docksiders while us townies are scrubbing the bilge! Not preppies.
Preppers.
But I like your hatred.
It's based on nothing.
That's super.
Now, Homer, what would you do in the case of an E.
M.
P.
? Electromagnetic pulse.
A burst of radiation that knocks out every electrical system in the country.
I'd slash my wrists.
But how, without my electric knife?! There is an alternative to suicide.
Mm.
I can't conceive of any.
We can teach you the skills you need to survive any crisis.
Ooh.
All we ask is that you keep your prepping secret.
We won't have room for all the unprepared.
Don't worry.
I'm very good at keeping secrets.
"Impending doom.
" What you reading, Dad? (screams) Honey, everything's fine.
There's nothing to worry about.
When grown-ups say that, it means there is something to worry about.
Just go play your saxophone.
While you can.
What does that mean? Secrets? I have no secrets! Just enjoy this golden time you will soon cling desperately to the memory of.
Smell some bread! When things go south, the sheeple will clean out every supermarket in town.
Typical sheeple.
Uh are you eating my grain? Maybe.
That was a five-pound bag! Yeah, but I'll go home, weigh myself, and I'll have gained six pounds.
What's that about? Prep, prep, prep.
(humming) Hey, Dad, are we going camping? I guess an open garage isn't the best hiding place.
What's up? Going crazy again? (scoffs) I wish.
Son, the best way to explain this is to show you some age-inappropriate movies.
So, what have you learned so far from our post-apocalyptic movie marathon? Guys who call themselves Preacher or Deacon are very bad.
Water is money, unless gasoline is money.
And even though lots of things are razor-sharp, no one ever shaves.
Hollywood has taught you well, my son.
Now let's push play.
Now the Ice Bishop of Beverly Hills will teach you the true meaning of cold! (laughing maniacally) I have come from a place where the land is warm, and the only ice is made by machines called fridge-ra-torrs.
ALL (chanting): Fridge-ra-torrs! Fridge-ra-torrs! Fridge-ra-torrs! Aren't they just saying "refrigerator"? Do not question the wisdom of Tom Skerritt.
Here it is, Homer.
The Springfield Preppers' top secret Bug-Out Retreat.
Wow! Your end of the world is better than my during the world.
Homer, we all know America's collapse is about three months away.
Six weeks at most.
There's always one alarmist.
Anyway, when the Four Horsemen ride, we want you and your collaterals right here with us.
Aw.
Uh, listen, I've got to know-- you're not just being nice to me because in a pinch you could make candles from my fat? Well, that is a big part of it.
It's okay.
I know what I am.
MARGE: Hmm? I can't find all our cereal crackers, juice boxes, the butter brush Um a lot of that stuff must've got lost in the move.
What move? We haven't moved.
What's going on? Oh! I want to tell you, but I promised to keep it a secret.
You can't have secrets from your wife! It's very late in the marriage to tell me that.
I've hidden all our supplies behind a fake wall.
I thought the basement looked cleaner.
See? These are our bug-out bags.
In here is everything we need to survive.
Survive what? The looming kablooey.
It's reassuring to see you're aware of the future, but this is all a little creepy.
Creepy?! Marge, the apocalypse is coming.
Maybe not tomorrow, maybe never, but it's coming.
And soon.
I'm going to bed.
There's no handle on this side! The one thing I couldn't prepare for.
Oh, these here are my snack chips.
Your cheese puffs.
Those are doodles.
I will eat anything orange except an orange.
(siren blaring, clattering) And that's how you deliver a baby calf with a bathroom plunger.
Mm-hmm.
(siren blaring) (electrical buzzing) (clippers stop) An E.
M.
P.
?! You know what that means! Hand scissors.
(electrical buzzing) (gasps) (gasping) (all muttering) (electrical buzzing) Oh.
(sighs) (humming) (electrical buzzing) (electrical buzzing) (clamoring) All electronics in Springfield have been disabled.
Even the musical greeting cards.
(clamoring) This is it.
Bug-out time.
Everyone but us is doomed.
I am so jazzed.
(high-pitched giggling) Mr.
Mayor, what's your administration doing to ensure there's no panic? I don't know.
What is your administration doing? There you have it.
A town without rules, without leadership, without television.
This is Kent Brockman, talking to himself.
Marge, this is it, TEOTWAWKI! (gasps) "The end of the world as we know it"? Uh-huh.
Where's the kids? Lisa and Maggie are downstairs, and Bart's in his room with Milhouse.
Boy, get in the car, and say good-bye to your best friend forever.
Bye forever, Milhouse.
See you, Bart.
Mmm.
This is my daughter.
She brings the gift of music to the new world.
Is that sax alto or baritone? Baritone.
This is gonna be a long apocalypse.
Ay, caramba! Ay, caramba indeed.
Dad, how are we supposed to spend the rest of our lives here? We're already bored.
Here's something to pass the endless time.
Write down which celebrities were rumored to be gay for future generations.
Yes, sir.
Society will not have to start from square one.
(groaning) Homie, I never thought we'd turn our backs Marge, when I started prepping for the end of the world, everyone laughed at me.
No one was laughing.
You kept it a secret! Well, just because I imagined it, doesn't make it any less true.
And now all those people are on their own.
How can you call yourself a Christian? If Jesus had a gun, he'd be alive today.
Homer Simpson! When I fell in love with you, it was because of your big heart and your good looks.
But some day, those good looks are gonna fade.
What?! Soon we'll be approached by people who haven't prepared.
Now, do not look at their faces.
That can trigger feelings and emotions, which have no place in Civilization 2.
0: Rise of the Weirdos.
I may have solved that problem.
This rifle scope I modified makes any human face look dangerous and threatening.
Boom.
Why do we have to shoot them at all? Are you that good with a knife? No! I want to help the people who didn't prepare.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
What'd you shoot me for? You were thinking I'd gone mad with power, weren't you?! I wasn't, but I am now.
Boom-boom- boom-boom-boom.
(snoring) (muffled horn honking) (others gasp) Oh, God, now what? Every time you wake us up early in the morning, it's either church or we have to change our identities.
Don't be silly, Mary Ellen.
Now we're going to leave this place.
I'm sorry, Bart.
I know you've made a bug-out camp girlfriend.
I've got to be honest with you.
It was just a bag of rice I drew a face on.
White ricer brown? I never noticed.
Good boy.
So we'll take these supplies back to Springfield where they're needed most.
You're a good man, Homer Simpson.
(alarm blaring) You said you cut the wires to the alarm.
Hmm, I cut the wires to something.
Okay everybody, keep your eyes peeled for an unlit mile post marked "23" or "36" or something.
If we miss it, we're dead.
Dad, there are lights following us.
How can that be? I took every last can of gas.
(horses whinnying) Now, everyone relax and pretend we're about to be hit by a soft brick wall.
(screaming) Out of our way, corn! The starving people of Springfield are desperately in need of our delivery of canned corn, corn flakes and flash frozen corn niblets! (tires squealing) I'm proud of you.
Society may have crumbled, but our decency hasn't.
Now to save these sorry souls from a life of anarchy, starvation and having sex for procreation.
Huh? Oh, everything's normal.
The world didn't end! Dad, you said people would be drinking each other's blood.
You got to watch a VHS copy of Red Dawn 13 times! Stop complaining! What happened with the E.
M.
P.
? Only Springfield lost power, you see, and after a few days, it came back.
Maybe a little bit brighter.
(mutters) And the spirit of neighborly cooperation broke out as if all the weird, angry people had left.
Then society didn't crumble? The zoo animals weren't eaten? No-- well, a couple.
This non-disaster is a catastrophe! Are you really so disappointed the world didn't end, just so you could be proven right? No, no.
It's just that, in the new world, I would have been a big shot.
Well, not for long.
Me and the others were planning to overthrow you and seal you in a cave.
Yeah, but what you didn't know was I was gonna poison all your drinking water.
Which is why I'm only drinking my own urine.
(groans) Guys, can't you see that even an imperfect society is better than the savagery of creating a new one? I for one am glad we're stuck with civilization, and I think we will be for a long, long time.
I'm hungry.
Look, you can have potato chips now, or if you wait ten minutes, you can have all the brains you can eat.
I want both.
Shh!