The Simpsons s24e10 Episode Script

A Test Before Trying

(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (gunfire) (tires screeching) (horn honking, Grampa shouts) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) ANNOUNCER: In a world, in a hemisphere, in a continent, in a country, in a state, in a city, in a neighborhood, in a street, in a house, in a living room, five heroes would be called.
To tackle the most dangerous quest of their lives.
Let's sit on that couch.
They're in.
And in retrospect, city officials regret holding the gang truce negotiations at Santa's Village.
In other news, we're about to go live to Mr.
Burns' announcement of his annual rate hike.
Springfielders are about to find out how much their electricity bills will go up.
I'm being told that Mr.
Burns is approaching the lectern now.
Apparently there are a few stairs he's struggling to climb.
He's up the stairs but is now being buffeted by the breeze.
And they've put some rocks in his pocket and we're ready to go.
To decide how much your electricity bills will rise, I've assembled a team of distinguished economists and placed plausible rate hike percentages on their backs.
Now we will use unfettered free market principles to arrive at a number.
Release the hounds.
(dogs growling, people shouting) Notice how the Keynesians climb trees while the Austrian school economists hide under rocks.
That is fascinating.
And there you have it, folks, rates will rise a healthy 17%.
And now, to help you disperse Let me guess, you're going to release the hounds again.
(chuckling): Oh, don't be silly.
Release the radioactive steam.
(screaming) Electricity costs are going up 17%.
(laughing): This station can't afford that.
We're barely keeping the lights on as it is.
I know it's a kid's show, but I got to see you topless.
This isn't your dressing room.
I know, but the monkey's got a girl in my dressing room.
The decision to pull the plug is never easy.
Particularly with the 17% rate hike.
Do I get a vote? That's just air escaping his lungs.
Oh, I guess we'll be peeling our shrimp by hand this year.
We can keep the shrimp de-veiner, though, right? I'm afraid not.
And this goes, too.
When I found out shrimp cocktails had no alcohol, I really lost interest.
Children, we can no longer afford to use anything electric.
However, we will still be able to watch today's film, thanks to the magic of potato power.
NARRATOR: Sometimes Y: the story of a vowel that goes both ways.
(losing power) Emergency meeting in the faculty lounge.
Well, class, I don't mind leaving you, because one of you is my spy.
You said you weren't going to tell.
Oh, wait, you didn't.
So no one knows who the Milhouse is.
The school is broke.
I had to sell all the trombone mutes.
(wah-wah) (groans) Why did I sell one to Nelson? (wah-wah) Hmm.
Sounds better than half the kids in the band.
So does a leaf blower.
Look, the district can't afford to keep every school open, so all the kids will take a standardized test.
Whichever school scores the lowest will be closed forever.
So you're saying, if our kids don't pass this test, you're shutting down Springfield Elementary? I don't teach to the test.
I teach 'em to dodge balls.
Things they can use in life.
How is that useful? Ow.
We all came here to avoid scrutiny.
Who else would hire a lunch lady accused of poisoning her husband? Never convicted.
They couldn't find the body.
Anyone care for some chicken-Pete pie? Did you say "chicken-Pete pie"? His friends called him Pete.
Good-bye, my electrical friends.
I can't afford to use you, so I'm doing what any good American would do: throw you away.
(gasps) (gasps) And it still works.
This could come in handy.
Ah, ah, ah, but let me check that list of things Marge said never to bring home.
Dogs, cats, octopuses, octopi, octopuseseseses.
Parking meter, you're working for me now.
Mannequin heads, you're working for me now.
Lot of people at the dump today.
The proctors are here.
Their leader seems to be a woman.
Catalog poses.
("Halloween Main Theme" by John Carpenter playing) (sighs) When will they finish grading those tests? I hate waiting; that's why I hate risotto.
Even mushroom risotto? What do you think?! So (chuckles nervously) how'd we do? Not as bad as the worst school in the state.
Oh, thank God.
You did worse than the worst school in the state, which now makes this school the worst school in the state.
Why did you say that to us in the meanest way you could? To show you that there's no way out.
Except Except what? No, I meant you should accept your terrible fate.
This place is worse than the elementary school in prison.
This student filled in everything but the ovals.
In art school he'd be a genius.
This isn't an art school.
We tried to have ourselves accredited as one, but no one here could, uh, draw the pirate.
Children, Groundskeeper Willie will direct you to your new school district.
Any correlation to your talents, needs, or friends is completely coincidental.
Sherri, you're going to West Ogdenville.
Terri, North Haverbrook.
But we've never been separated.
I'm not sure we can even live apart.
Stop your whinging.
It's not like you're losing a rake or a backhoe.
Nelson, you're off to Arkham Elementary School for the Criminally Insane.
(whistling) Well, I'm glad you're not upset.
All my extra credit points are like frequent flyer miles on a bankrupt airline.
Hey, don't blame me.
I didn't even take the test.
You didn't? Is there no limit to your disrespect? Eh, I had something better to do.
(laughing) Driving you crazy instead of pulling off your legs.
I've really matured.
Wait a minute.
If you take the test now, your score could raise the average and save the school.
Proctor Clarkson, one student still hasn't taken the test.
(gasping) Let it be Martin, let it be Martin.
It's Bart.
(all groaning) I have an aunt named Hope.
Perhaps you'd like to kill her as well.
Bart will take his exam first thing tomorrow morning.
Bart, I'm begging you to try and study.
When I think begging, I don't imagine someone standing up.
Sorry, I can't grant a favor to someone I don't respect anymore.
You can spin in my chair! Whee! Spinner! Slow down.
(chuckles) Well, sure the Lord wouldn't have placed his meter there if he didn't want me to park.
This is the easiest money I've ever made.
Lugging around a 90-pound parking meter.
It's not that kind.
All right, now to drag the meter to the next idiot.
Oh, God, my back.
(laughing) Suckers.
Oh, my disks are grinding.
(laughing) Easy money.
(grunting) Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes Turn and face the strange ch-ch-changes Don't wanna be a richer man Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes Turn and face the strange ch-ch-changes.
(laughing) Thanks for the freedom of speech, dorks.
(whistling) Uh, we're cool, right, boy? Nothing a few George Washingtons won't solve.
(grunts) Now, to sleep the sleep of the just.
(sighs) (humming) Godspeed, old chum.
Pass the test and your lunch money is yours.
I'm a kid you've never seen, and I speak for all the kids you've never seen.
Do it, man, or you'll never see us again.
Principal Skinner, could you help me sharpen this pencil? I guess a little circular grinding might relax me.
I can't do this.
I'm not ready.
You really didn't study? Well, I slept on my books, so I might have gotten something through osmosis.
So, you know what osmosis is? Uh, pajamas? Let me make this crystal clear to you, Simpson.
If you don't pass this test, it will destroy the school.
(laughing) Our entire school riding on that coffee can head of yours.
We've got to get you more time to study.
But how? Pull the fire alarm.
I'd do it, but everyone's looking at me.
What to do, what to do? Don't do it, Seymour.
You've never broken school rules.
You wimp.
(alarm ringing) Children, remain calm, find your disaster buddy, which is different from your lab partner but may be the same as your lunchroom buddy.
BART: Well, well, well Looks like Mr.
Vanilla just grew some chocolate chips.
Save your analogies for the analogy portion of the exam.
I bought you time, boy.
Don't blow it.
I won't.
I'm going to ignore everything else on my schedule.
Pass this test and the eggs are on me.
They will be, Seymour.
They will be.
(laughing) I'm king of the bus station.
Meter, meter, quarter cheater? A rogue parking meter has been terrorizing the streets.
Experts estimate the cost to taxpayers at north of $50.
That's right, Kent.
The entire force is on the lookout for anyone with an excessive amount of change.
Our top criminologists have a theory as to what the suspect just might look like.
But, of course, that question mark could be an exclamation point or an interrobang.
And the man or woman could be Hispanic or, most frightening, contain no punctuation at all.
So, how's the studying going? When I start I'll tell you.
This is the most selfish thing you've ever done.
You're letting your friends go hang because you are lazy and selfish and, hey, are you falling asleep just to spite me? Hey, why aren't you eating that? There's four of us and eight slices.
We don't know how to divide it.
Something Stu forgot the music he loves.
Krabappel? Are you a teacher of the night? Ha, I wish I was a hooker.
No one in this town has any money.
But the worst thing is what's happened to the school.
No, no! (all grumbling) (groans) What have I done? Spinach farm, huh? That's right, you talk in your sleep.
Lisa, I want to pass that test.
But I need your help.
I have all sorts of problems: Lack of attention, I'm afraid of ovals, I only know 24 letters.
Don't you fall asleep on me.
Excuse me, you're that proctor that's shutting down my children's school.
I don't shut anything down.
People cut their own heads, and I just tip 'em into the basket.
You've been in public education a long time, haven't you? (grunting) Freeze, Jack Nickel-scum.
Wha? You know what they do to parking meter thieves in prison? They probably treat 'em pretty well.
But when you get out, you're not eligible for jury duty.
Which, again, sounds pretty good.
Eat silver, copper.
D'oh! (tires screeching) Stay with me, man.
Stay with me.
No, no! You're the first successful business I've ever run.
It's hopeless.
I can't make up for ten years of goofing off in one day.
I need two days.
Look, the thing is, it's more important to know how to take a test than knowing what's on it.
So do the ones you know first.
If you don't know one, guess "B" and move on.
Now, what is the capital of Massachusetts? Uh, "B"? Very good.
(ticking) BART: Okay, this is it.
Do or die.
Will you stop that? Burly Paper Towels, Burlyville, Minnesota.
Dear Sir or Madam: Your paper towel packets promised 102 sheets of towels.
But I was blessed to receive 103.
I'm returning the extra towel, unused (jingling) Hmm? A pillow case full of quarters? Where did you get that money? And what have you done with the pillows? The pillows are safe at my workstation.
As for the quarters, well, I'm ashamed to tell you what I did.
How long have you been in there? Well, we're going to turn this change into change for the better.
Whoo-hoo! And I wish that Mr.
Teeny gets a banana, that the Isotopes emerge from this season with a great blooper reel.
I wish that wishing wells worked so I wasn't tossing my money away and that Marge loves me forever no matter what stupid things I do.
(grunts) (splash) And I hope Bart passes his test and saves the school.
Way to get us back on topic, Marge.
If you have to guess, guess "B.
" Not every question! The second that boy fails, we're knocking down this school.
Please have a little faith.
I hear you, Seymour.
Start the upswing! The least common blood type is A) B, B) A, C) AB, D) O d'oh! Ten more seconds.
("Halloween Main Theme" by John Carpenter playing) And the last answer, "C.
" Is correct.
Congratulations, you made it by one.
That'll do, bug, that'll do.
("Superman Theme" by John Williams playing) He passed.
Stop that ball! Now your mom can see you work from her house.
Seymour, stop slouching! I'm not sure if you gave my son any extra help, but if you did, thank you.
Perhaps this was a test of my humanity.
A test I like to think I passed.
Would you like to have coffee or dinner, or just talk? None of the above.
Testward ho! (Beethoven's "Symphony No.
6" playing) (wind blowing) (growls) Is this Wilson Elementary? No.
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