The Simpsons s24e11 Episode Script

The Changing of the Guardian

D'oh.
(grunts) (thunder booming) "In this exciting strategy game, "you amass resources-- timber, salt fish and wax-- "to fund the syndicate to gain influence with the Doges of Venice.
" Doges? Why do we have to play this stupid game Lisa likes? I don't like this game.
Nobody likes this game.
Even the kids on the box look bored.
They're miserable.
We have to do something until the storm passes.
Now, just fill out these customs forms, and we can get started.
(gasps) Twister! No! Whenever we play that, my elbow touches Dad's junk.
No! Outside the house! (all screaming) (grunts) (grunting) You live like this? Ooh, dear Lord, if thy tornado must take me, please let it take me to Oz.
But don't let Flanders be the scarecrow.
(gasps) We made it, boy.
(yelping) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
This counts as a walk! The tornado took old what's-his-name.
I'm going after him.
No, Homie, it's too dangerous.
(knocking on glass) Hey, Homer, we were just doing a little storm chasing.
Lenny, take us with you to find our dog.
It's okay, Marge, they're professionals.
What? 'Cause they rented a van and taped an antenna to the top? (scoffs) Not just any tape.
Duct tape.
Oh, all right.
But I'm coming with you to make sure no one does anything stupid.
Don't worry, Marge, we bought a ton of safety gear from a highly-respected storm chaser's widow.
(gasps) It's not what you're thinking.
He died of a heart attack.
Yeah, 80 feet up in the air.
Behold, the awesome nonsense of nature.
Okay, the tornado that took your dog looked like an F3 moving westerly.
I guess you do know your weather.
Ha! That means a lot coming from such an attractive woman as you.
I'd say she's prettier than a surface hoar.
Hey! Surely, you didn't misunderstand my usage of "surface hoar.
" The sublimation of ice crystals that's colder than a frost point.
Maybe.
Look, you guys obviously know about weather, but I understand something much more predictable: women.
What women really want is a guy who's confident enough to go completely downhill after marriage and know she'll still love him.
I'll tell you what women really want: a man who can hold a note the longest.
That is the stupidest One, two, three, go.
(all holding single note) (all continue holding note) Homer, you do not have to compete with your friends for me.
I would never do that.
(resumes vocalizing) Enough with the singing.
(all stop vocalizing) Fine, but I swear, I will win you back from Lenny.
'Nado! Ooh.
It's like God's vacuum cleaner.
(laughing) We're cutting it kind of close.
Not to worry-- we're safe in the van.
Anyone want their seat warmer? (gasps) It's gone.
Help me, God.
What is it I'm paying you for every Sunday? (Marge screaming) Can always use a good babysitter.
I was just 27 years from retirement! Oh, my God, the twister got Carl, my best friend in the world.
I can barely remember what he looks like.
He was a black guy, but his voice sounded like a white guy.
Hey, excuse me for wanting to fit in.
And here comes Santa Little Helper.
Homie, we made it.
(both scream) Oh, my God.
NELSON: Ha ha! You're trapped in there good.
Once again, the big banks stick it to the little guy.
(both grunting) Come on.
Are you pushing? Yes, it won't give.
(sighs) I don't know if we're going to be able to get out.
(squeaking) What are you writing? Maybe the last words I'll ever write.
Oh.
Lenny, you calling for help? Let them have their moment.
Kent Brockman here at death's revolving door.
Police have arrived on the scene after having fled the state at the first sign of the storm.
Bulletproof, as I somewhat suspected.
But don't you worry, we're having a very expensive crane brought in from Shelbyville.
What is this, a bird? It's a bird known as a crane.
And it got very sick on the way over.
Well, our top priority is making sure that bird gets well.
Hey! Hello! As for you, your only hope is this glass cutting guy from the hardware store.
You guys want to come out in a plain circle or a kind of a rosette shape? Just cut the glass.
Everybody wants it done yesterday.
(chuckles) (groans) WIGGUM: Uh, now we're ordering some lunch.
Uh, want to go halfsies on a pizza? FYI, that means you get one slice.
Okay, wise guy, you get to pull out the two corpses when we're done.
Except for the face full of glass when the door finally collapsed, he did a pretty good job.
Found another one.
It was so scary thinking something might happen to you guys.
Mom, I am so glad you're alive.
Were you worried about me, boy? Sure.
Why not? (stammers angrily) Clearly, the boy's in shock.
(chuckling): Oh, yeah, I'm a wreck.
Stop being blasé.
Never! Now, I know you kids are scared by what happened, but it's bedtime.
Just go into your dark rooms and shut your eyes.
(kids groaning) Homie, if we did both die, we've never named guardians.
The kids could end up wards of the state.
Connecticut? No, our state.
(screams) Okay, you're right.
It's hard to imagine anyone else bringing up our kids, but I think the choice is obvious: my dad.
Oh, you'd let me have another chance after the way I screwed things up with you? Eh, good point.
We'll find somebody else.
Yep, you're a big bag of blubber soaked in worthless juice.
I got it, Dad.
Why I married you I'll never know.
Oh, yeah? The tornado was more of a father to me than you.
Okay, how about my brother? He's rich.
(beep) (over answering machine): Hi.
You've reach Herb Powell.
I'm poor again.
(startled grunt) There's really only one choice, or should I say two identical choices? Sugar? Oh, how very kind of you.
I'm not giving our kids to these gravelly-voiced super hags.
One lump, please.
Homer, my sister's adopted Ling, and she's doing great.
We've been tiger-mothering her.
Ling, music time.
Ling, floor routine.
More syncopating.
Stick the landing! And no resenting us ever.
That's some impressive flute-nastics.
Shut up! You can't praise her.
She'll think she's smart and slack off.
Then all our loving would be for nothing.
Mmm, maybe we'd better go.
Didn't you want to ask us something? Good-bye forever.
(whispering): Help me.
I think it's time to go off family.
KIRK: Luanne and I have gone through some rough patches, so to be seen as stable enough to raise your kids, well, it would be an honor.
You know what else would be an honor? Having a husband who asks my opinion before inviting in three more mouths he can't feed.
Hey, Luanne, you always asked me what I saw in Vicky at the Walgreens.
Well, I'll tell you what I saw: not you! You told me you didn't even know her name.
Well, that's her name, okay? BRANDINE: Let me get this straight.
We have 17 kids, and you want us to take three more? Anything new that wanders into this house winds up in the stew pot.
Hey, I'm so sorry, but we just adopted a baby.
Give me back my pants.
I've got to get back to my unit.
Someone's cranky.
All right, Marge, maybe we're being a little too choosy about who our kids spend the rest of their lives with.
We'll take what we can get.
(gasping) Uh-oh.
I wonder if word has gotten out that we're looking for guardians.
(grunts, growls) Ah! Go! Go! (tires squealing) (beeping) (people screaming) (people screaming) (people screaming) (dog howling) (people screaming) (hums, grunts) (Dr.
Hibbert chuckling) (airplane flying overhead) All right, the coast is clear.
(relieved murmuring) Wait a minute, I live here.
Aw.
Where are we going? And why are we wearing our good clothes? With name tags on them.
Kids, there's nothing to worry about.
(walrus barking) But we're looking at replacements for your mom and me if we should fail to die together as a family.
Oh, I see.
You guys are trying to find a couple of saps to take us when Dad has a coronary in the dead of night, rolls over and crushes Mom.
This is not that, and that smart-alecky attitude is exactly why no one wants you.
Homer, dual incomes, no kids at 2:00.
(gasps) Ooh.
Okay, I'll nudge them with the car.
We'll get a whole "meet cute" thing going.
(gasping) Aah! What the hell are you doing? Keith, relax.
Look at those adorable children.
Hmm, I think I hear a slight accent.
Mid-Atlantic.
(gasps) That's where they filmed The Wire! Step on it! (tires squealing) This is a pretty important decision.
How about asking that Japanese guy who set the world record for eating hot dogs? He's like a successful version of Dad.
(groans) Maybe we should just give up for now, have some fried clams and collect sea glass.
Wait, what about that couple? They look pretty cozy.
That's Moe and a bag of garbage.
Boy, cats sure breed a lot.
(meowing) (yells) Why would you do that to me after I thought about feeding you? (grunts) Mmm.
(laughing) Whoa, look at that guy.
Yo, I'm Mav.
Wow, a man's stomach can be flat? It's one of the, like, awesome side effects of being a pro surfer.
Wow.
Someone's smitten.
Whoa, way to shralp the crispies, babe.
My wife, Portia.
Another surfer? Environmental lawyer.
(sighing) And in my free time, I prosecute record companies who withhold royalties from elderly blues musicians.
(sighing continues) (grunting) Um, why don't we discuss it over dinner? Discuss what? Things that you're desperately missing from your life that you never knew you needed.
Cool.
See you at 6:00.
(birds cawing) So, surfing is really your job? Yeah, I earned a couple million on the tour last year.
Just for standing on a thing? Mmm.
Wow.
Your house is perfect.
No sharp corners, no unsafe balconies, a cool grandpa.
I love two things: shutting up and giving away money.
Ooh, thanks, Dad.
What's that stone around your neck? It's a promise stone.
It signifies that if I ever get to be a burden, I just jump in a volcano.
Wow.
I assumed the Jackson Five were the only perfect family, but now I see there's another.
Princeton, B.
A.
, Oxford, M.
A.
I smell a Rhodes.
No, I turned it down because Cecil Rhodes was such a racist.
(sighs) Uh, say, listen, Portia.
How would you and Mav feel about um, swinging? Uh, with you guys? Uh, seems like my husband would be getting the much better deal.
No, no, no.
I-I meant pushing kids on swings.
Give me a minute to get some images out of my mind.
Okay, take whatever time you need.
I just want to know if you'd like to be their guardians.
Wow.
Wow, that's quite an offer.
This is so fast.
It's so hard to get to know a child after just one day.
I All you need to know is I'm a politeness monster who eats please and farts thank-yous, ma'am.
I'm exactly the kind of kid he's pretending to be.
(belches) Hmm.
Babe, when a killer wave hits, you can't spend your whole life deciding if you want to drop in or not.
It just might be the most righteous tube we ever shot.
Man, you sure can talk surfer talk.
Okay, we'll give some serious thought to taking them.
Maybe this will help you make up your mind.
It's empty.
You never know when you might want to mail something.
Homie, it's been a wonderful day, but do you think maybe we're moving a little too quickly? Worrywart Marge.
You don't look a Trojan horse in the mouth.
(laughter) But we know so little about them.
I swear to you, Marge, when I have the time, I will Google them both.
It's all good, brah.
Hey, where's Bart? Oh, uh, well, he wanted to be here, but I'm going to decrease the volume of my voice and mumble so you can't really understand what I'm saying, and I'll just keep doing it until the subject Your father says I need to keep you lashed to the mast for five more arrrs.
Is that arrrs or hours? Both.
Great.
And now my Dad can notarize.
I still have my uses.
Mm-hmm.
Name another.
(groans) Well, I must admit it's a relief to get that taken care of.
Now I can finally complete my bucket list.
(chuckles) Homer, Marge, we have a favor to ask.
Too late! You already signed! Oh, wait, there's one more.
Suckers! Oh, wait, you've got to initial this.
Checkmate.
(chuckles) Listen, Homer, we just wanted to know if we could borrow the kids for a weekend at our ski house.
We thought they could pick out their bedrooms.
A whole weekend? I don't know.
Hey, if they can watch them for the rest of their lives, they can certainly do it for a weekend.
I guess.
As long as we don't make it a habit.
Marge, no indulgence of mine ever becomes a habit.
Do you have to do that in front of people? It helps me write.
Just the two of us We can make it if we try Just the two of us Just the two of us Marge, this has been great couples time.
The one thing people with kids desperately need is no kids.
Well, at least we have time to get the pets' Christmas presents.
I don't like the way they just rip the paper off.
Santa's Little Helper, my ass.
(gasps) Hmm? (gasps) My God.
They want to steal our kids.
No one steals my kids, except me, from that theme park jail that I never told you about, except I guess I just did.
We're all caught up now.
Let's go.
MARGE: It all makes sense now.
That's why they took our kids so quick.
Like all childless couples, they troll the beaches waiting for the egg-layers to wander off from their young.
She's gonna raise three kids without wrecking that perfect figure.
Oh, yeah, man.
(groans) Don't worry, Marge.
We'll get them.
Unless we die on this icy mountain road.
Then they've won forever.
Homie, I just had a horrible thought.
(chuckles) Women and their horrible thoughts.
What if they are better for the kids than us? Marge, let me set your mind straight about something.
That spectacular young couple is definitely better for the kids, but those kids are ours, because we made them by accident.
And now we're gonna take them back because we love them, especially now that we've had a little time apart from them.
(crashing, groans) I've got a bone to pick with you.
Then an apology to make.
Then we exchange insurance information.
Then more bone picking.
Homer, Marge, I understand your anger, but your kids are more awesome than the breaks at Waimea.
Those better be good breaks.
Honestly, we fell in love with them, and it just seemed like you guys didn't really want them.
Sure, you wanted the fun parts, but do you want to go to their little league games and recitals? We totally have.
Like clockwork.
Well, I'm glad someone has.
Look, before anyone says anything else, how could you possibly think you could get our kids? It happens more than you know, Marge.
I'm a lawyer; he's a surfer.
That combination's pretty unstoppable.
BART: Well, I'm afraid that we don't want to be with anyone but Mom and whoever she chooses to be with.
Portia, you're the woman I dream of becoming, but Mom is my mom.
Fine, but you're leaving a gap in our lives that can only be filled by foreign travel, sleeping late and gourmet food.
You guys lock up.
We're going to Bali.
(groans) Again.
We've won! (flatly): Whoo-hoo.
Kids, your father and I have decided we're not in such a hurry to get you guardians.
Instead of concentrating on dying, we're going to concentrate on living.
If you call this living.
Why, you little (choking, grunting) I do call this living.
Living the way kids in India can only dream of.
There is nothing like your biological family.
(Homer, Lenny and Carl holding single note) (Lenny and Carl coughing) (Homer continues holding note) HOMER: I win.
LENNY: Win what? HOMER: I forget.
Shh!