The Simpsons s24e12 Episode Script

Love Is a Many-Splintered Thing

(panting, gunfire, yelps) (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) The Szyslaks.
Already cancelled.
(sighs) Everything I know about women can be summed up by a jump-rope rhyme: "Girls go to Mars to buy candy bars, boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.
" Except I didn't have to go to Jupiter to get stupider.
(clears throat) I had a bigger ball of gas I could study.
FEMALE GPS: In three-tenths of a mile, make a right turn.
Homer, listen to the GPS.
GPS: Turn right Homer, watch the road! onto First Street, head east.
Not this road, the other road! Ladies, please! You can boss me around, just one at a time! On Main Street, turn right now Our Sunday drive is ruined! Hands at ten and two! MARGE: What are you doing? It said turn left, not right.
(screaming) BART: Huh? HOMER: Huh? Hmm.
What the? GPS: Switching to male voice MALE GPS: so you will obey.
Finally! A supervisor! Oh So the closest thing I had to an adult male role model were the schoolyard bullies.
Hey, Simpson! I dare you to stick this caterpillar down that girl's dress.
Can't I just stick it in Skinner's sloppy joe? It would actually be the only meat in said Joe.
Not everything can be solved with Skinner pranks, Bart.
Yeah, think outside the Skinner box.
(laughing) Hey, look, that movie we were in got short-listed for an Oscar.
KEARNEY: Awesome! (gasps, bullies laugh) Who's that stickin' a fuzzy-wuzzy down my back? Mary Spuckler! Lady I'm your knight in shining armor And I love you.
I thought you left home to be a star.
There's a lot of with a voice and a dream.
I only got work as a hand model.
That's your hand? Just the thumb.
Did you miss me? (moaning) Get out of my face, cootie breath! I did miss you.
You stink! Come over Saturday.
I'm gonna have to push you in the mud now.
Don't you pig-waller me, mister! Do what you must, darlin'.
(grunts) (laughing) That sure makes up for my dad beating me last night.
And for my dyslexia.
(bullies laughing) (doorbell rings) (yawns) Mary? (shrieks) Thank God I wore the underwear with the hole on the side.
(humming) It's 8:00 in the morning.
I'm a farm girl.
I already milked the cows, overcame a bout of prairie madness, and made you some sausage and biscuits.
Rain is so romantic, don't you think? You get the picture.
Perfect girl.
(imitating Woody Allen): So like a schmuck, I treat her like day-old matzo.
(coughs) (ominous music plays on video game, gunfire) (screams) (screams) BART: Doctors Without Borders, you're now doctors without faces! (monkeys hooting) (laughs) Bart, when are we gonna do girl things, like catch a frog or leg wrestle? Soon, baby, soon.
Let me just kill Milhouse's character.
He thinks we're on the same team.
MILHOUSE: Betrayed again! Mary, could I steal Bart for a minute? Ask his girlfriend, the game.
Oh, Mary, you know you're the coolest person I've ever hung out with.
MILHOUSE: Another betrayal! Bart Simpson, I don't know what the future holds for you If you're lucky, me, then this.
but, Bart, I do know this: you will not do better than Mary Spuckler, so don't ignore her for a stupid video game! Hey, relax.
She knows she's the apple of the corner of my eye.
Bart, do you mind if I call my mother? Not at all.
Mama! Come pick me up, I'm bored! BRANDINE (distantly): You'll have to wait! The mule's takin' a nap! We hope it's a nap.
(video game gunfire) (clanging) Dinnertime! Now, let's enjoy the granola bars that city fella gave us in exchange for lettin' him go.
That'll teach him to try to preserve our folk singing for posterity.
(scatting) Just wait till my dad hears this at 3:00 a.
on NPR.
It'll prove I'm not wasting my life.
You realize you just ruined the recording.
(scatting continues) A lot of musical talent in this house.
But no one blows on a blade of grass like you.
(playing "Flight of the Bumblebee") Eight more payments and I own this.
But are you sure there ain't no video game you'd rather be playin'? All eyes on you, baby.
Well, tell your eye-ears to watch-listen to this! I used to think I wanted to roam But there ain't not never no place None better than home Count the negatives, it all works out.
They say that home is where the heart is But for me it's where the Bart is Now what are you doing? (piglets squealing) I wrote a whole song for you, Bart Simpson.
Least you could do is pay me full mind.
I was gonna enter it in a competition.
!Ay, caramba! Well, you're gonna win, 'cause you've got star quality.
Like the Hulk in movies other than The Hulk.
You know what? Every now and then you say the perfect thing.
(knocking on door) Mary, it's our turn to use the boyfriend room.
Y'all don't have boyfriends.
We's gonna practice kissing with this French-Canadian mountain man.
Pourquoi m'avez-vous amené ici? He's still wearing leg shackles.
All men is unpolished stones.
Ou est le whisky que vous m'avez promis? And then I ran right home to you.
You did everything great, Bart.
Then you told me all about it like a true gentleman.
I can't wait to use your moves on Lisa.
Ew! On every level, ew! Bart, you have to treat girls like they matter, not like they're a bunch of Milhice.
What? It's the plural of Milhouse.
Look it up.
Listen to your sister, boy.
What I'm saying applies to you, too, Dad.
What are you talkin' about? Marge and I are goin' great.
Homer Simpson! Did you take Maggie to Moe's? It was during Happy Hour.
Don't you want our baby to be happy? Don't you see? You're taking women for granted.
And aside from being lumped together and generalized about, it's the one thing all women hate.
(scoffs) How can something that applies to Bart apply to me? I'm so much older and wiser.
More like balder and wider.
Why you little (choking) I'll teach you to say something that sounds similar! (applauding) Thank you, last contestant.
Tomorrow we will feature the no-longer racist country comedy of Barry the Satellite TV Guy.
Isn't it funny how all people are of equal worth? Please do not boycott my line of power tools.
(laughs) Now all Barry's jokes are about his ex-wife.
No, they ain't.
We're back together.
Then you got no act.
(chuckles) And now, the winner is (drumroll) Devon Peacock! I can finally get my suspender buckled! (cheering) Looks like we got a feud with the Peacocks now.
All I care is what you think, Bart.
(whispers): Compliment her.
I don't know what she wants.
What would my heroes say? Slash her face now, Bart.
Slash it while she least expects it.
Bart, tell Mary to play the drums the only thing anyone listens to in any band.
It's hard to pick just one of those.
Bart, you'd better get your act together.
And me, too.
I've gotta get these shirts to the dry cleaners.
They close at 6:00.
Bart Simpson, you get out of that gosh-darned fugue state this instant.
Lift my spirits! Um lifting people's spirits is an interesting topic.
For centuries, Neanderthal and astronaut alike have enjoyed lifting spirits.
You're givin' me book report talk.
Excuse me, I am a Brazilian record producer.
I concentrate in the rapidly-growing jug band-samba fusion market.
Oh, my God! Do you know Billy-Bobaloo Skeeter-Rodriguez? Know him? Before he was famous, he kidnapped my mother! Mary, would you like to have dinner with me and my handsome, girl-crazy son tonight? I am the first boy to get my own liquor ad.
(Latin guitar music plays) Bart, you want to come with us? I need you.
Mary, we've just been through three hours of music.
Usually, I only have music one hour a week, and the teacher spends it reading real estate listings for Fire Island.
I'll see you later, Bart.
Mary, are you okay? Sure.
Everything's fine.
At that moment, I had a vision of every time in my life an angry woman would say "Everything's fine.
" I guess it's just me and the dog.
(groans) Everything's fine.
(whistling) Melvis? Where's Mary? I brung you regrets from my sister.
She has been de-avoidably untained.
(groans) Am I getting dumped? Okay, Bart, maybe you blew it by taking Mary for granted.
Woman are life's great mystery, along with why do they give you salt and pepper at a Chinese restaurant? But if you want one more shot, I know a date that will turn this mighty Aphrodite into your purple rose of Cairo.
Those are movies I made.
It's my oeuvre.
It sounds dirty, but it's not.
(speaking in French) (snoring) Everyone's fast asleep.
It's like my second wedding night, except more walkouts and there were no refunds.
Gee (couples moaning) Can I see you tomorrow night? Sure, I'll be here with my other boyfriend.
He's watching us now.
BOY: Oh, boy.
Okay, Luann, it's all settled.
We're gonna ditch Milhouse.
Bart, I think it's best if we take a break.
Good idea, I can chuck eggs at the other couples.
Just hug me, dummy.
Back pats? This is a breakup.
You'll be fine.
There's a pot for every possum.
Give me another chance.
I'll be way more attentive to your needs on the seesaw.
I'll stay down there for as long as you want.
Sorry, Bart, I'm a hillbilly girl of 13.
If I'm not married in the next few months, nobody's gonna want me.
Not even old Joe Clabby.
Hey, you're a pretty little thing, you are, but ticktock, ticktock.
Good-bye, Bart.
Aw, sweetie.
I told you this would happen if you dated outside the family.
(groans) Move along, relationship's over.
(groans) Sure do like forcing people to leave areas.
MARGE (inside house): I was the only without a date at Patty's new lady friend's travel bookstore soft opening.
You told me it was up to me if I wanted to go.
You should know that me saying I don't care means I couldn't care more.
I am sick and tired of trying to decode you like you're some kind of human being separate from myself.
Bart, would you go to your room while your father and I finish our little talk? Little talk? You guys are having a big fight.
This is the problem with women-- they don't say what they mean until it's too late.
All right, fine.
If you boys want it, I'll tell you what I really think.
Finally, we're getting somewhere.
You're both in the doghouse, which is misleading 'cause I still like the dog.
(sighs) Hand me my suitcase, boy.
When do I get a Krusty suitcase? When you're older.
So this is where you go when Mom kicks you out? You're saying it like it happens all the time.
And by the way, the paint's a little faded on my parking spot.
You call this a platinum club experience? We'll get right on it, Mr.
I told you a thousand times, call me Homer.
Oh, what's this notice on the wall? Standard hotel boilerplate.
It just says somebody died in this room in the last 72 hours.
Aw, man, we just missed it.
(laughs) Oh, it'll happen again, son.
Um, I've got to make a phone call.
Eh, knock yourself out.
D'oh! Not again.
(touch tones beeping) Mary? Ooh, that's odd.
I thought I was calling the Suicide Not Line, because I'm doing great.
So, um, how are you handling taking a break? Great.
Turns out Adele was right.
Ain't nothing better for songwriting than when your relationship takes a bolt to the brain.
Tell me what you think.
I broke up with a fella (samba rhythm plays) But I ain't grieving He was much too proud Of underachieving I can't believe I liked him I must have been blind He wasn't so smart or handsome Or kind Every moment with that boy Was totally horrid And I can't even tell where his hair meets his forehead Why did I buy her that rhyming dictionary? My eyes are wide open Now I see his warts I wish him well, down in hell Where he'll eat his own shorts.
It just poured out of me like venom from a snake.
(groans) I had this idea years ago, but your mother wouldn't let me do it.
shows how much she (muffled yelling) It's hurting my eyes! (gasps) It's so great here-- no wife to get mad at you for closing your laptop whenever they walk into the room.
Or getting your kid hooked on pot.
She's my kid, too, you know.
You know what we need? A classic "kicked out of the house" party.
Now, who's got a rocking CD? I've got the audio book of Robert Caro's The Passage of Power.
That's it? Well, then let's "power" this party up.
ROBERT CARO: Air Force One, the president's plane, is divided behind the crew's cockpit into three compartments.
In the first of them, just behind the cockpit, women sat weeping and Secret Service agents were trying to hold back tears.
"You've heard of strong men crying? Well, we had it there that day," recalls a reporter.
As the pilot lifted the big jet off the Dallas runway, in a climb so steep that to a man I miss Mary.
I miss Roxie.
That's the club where I used to smoke pot with my kid.
This calls for decisive action.
Like LBJ's use of the period of mourning following the assassination to push through the Civil Rights Act.
But how do we figure out what to do? The same way Hollywood does.
By watching British movies.
(people clamoring on video) (gavel bangs) The Prime Minister, that is to say, I would like to make an emergency declaration of love to my poor but cheeky secretary.
What, me? Eliza Commonbottom? I that is to say Flibberty-gibberty.
Ah (Parliament cheering) All the young dudes Hey, dudes Carry the news Oh, yeah Boogaloo dudes Love is more powerful than all my magic.
Hard to believe that country used to rule anything.
Agreed, but to win back our women, we need to make a grand romantic gesture.
OTHERS: Hear, hear.
After we finish watching the movie.
Carry the news All the young dudes Carry the news Let's hear the news, come on.
Hmm, cursive.
"You are invited to a grand gesture"? Ooh.
(orchestra playing "Ode to Joy") I wrote this song to say I'm sorry Dad, don't be a credit hog The melody is by Beethoven Not bad for a movie dog I'll stop eating from the garbage Marge, you will get the last pork chop Oh (all giggling, cooing) A completed chore list.
And I promise to do the things I checked off within a year.
(swooning sigh) Spuckler Mary, please forgive me All I ask is one more chance.
Bart, you're a good duck, but we wouldn't last.
But I'm the main guy in this story.
Things are supposed to work out for me.
Everyone is the main guy in their own story.
My friend, welcome to my story.
And that's when I learned Cupid was just a fat, naked jerk with an arrow.
But surely you didn't give up on love after just one setback? Love is our only defense against the abyss in this meaningless universe.
Love-- what is it? What does it mean? How do you spell it? No one knows.
Fortunately there is a cure.
Any video game ever made.
FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: Remember, this game is for age 14 or under.
If you are older than that, please get help.
Get help, get help.
Married? (groans) (gasps) MALE COMPUTER VOICE: One message received from The widow Mary Spuckler.
Whoo-hoo! Well done, Bart.
You played that like a combination of Willie Mays and Paul Cézanne.
Who are you? I you know, I-I played the ant in Antz, the lesser known of the ant movies.
Oh, yeah.
(Brandine and Cletus scatting)
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